No intimacy - needed

[lilmrcheerful]

Hi,

 

I am currently involved in a relationship that includes no intimacy of any description because she feels very uncomfortable about it. We have been together for 4 months and she has lived with me during all that time.

 

I have studied and learn't more about this behaviour and I concluded that she is asexual as she shows all the traits and fits the classic description. The way she describes intimacy is exactly how asexuality is described.

 

I have now accepted that this isn't going to change so I have tried to concentrate on building up all the other parts of the relationship which works well. I really do miss the sexual side of being in a relationship but that's not an option here.

 

However, I do have a problem with certain things which really doesn't help. My gf is still very affectionate and really adores being hugged, kissed (passionately) and really adores massages, especially back massages. This was OK at first, but now I am finding them hard to do because I get so aroused, she is so beautiful and I find her so attractive. I can just about manage the hugs, I actually really love hugging anyway and I don't usually find this sexually stimulating, however, everything else does, especially the back massages. The problem is, I can't win here because if I either refuse or don't show any real effort in it, she takes great offence to this and starts to accuse me of not really liking her. We've pretty much exhausted all there is to say about the intimacy side which almost always ends up in tears, so I now totally avoid the subject.

 

It's hard enough having to accept a "loving" relationship without any intimacy as it is but this just makes it harder. If we were sexually active, then the massages would be fine as my libido tendencies are not huge anyway, just a little intimacy would suffice.

 

Any suggestions on how I can approach this?

 

As always, thanks for reading.

[Ronni_W]

Hi.

You mentioned a relationship "without any intimacy" -- do you mean that emotional intimacy is also lacking, or just the sex?

I can empathize with the problem of willingly turning-on one's self with a partner while knowing not to expect sexual satisfaction with that person.

 

Even before I checked the FAQs at asexuality.org, I was going to suggest a medical check-up just to rule out chemical and/or hormone imbalances.

 

It does seem that she is lacking understanding of, and compassion for, the problems and issues that 'sexuals' face when in romantic relationship with 'asexuals'. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to discuss and find mutually acceptable compromises when one partner is taking "great offense" over the other's normal needs.

 

The other thing is, this seems to be a non-professional diagnosis(?) Another experience that can cause sexual shut-down is having been sexually abused or raped. If it is not a case of asexuality but something else, the caution would be about allowing a 'label' to explain, excuse and enable a condition that actually requires healing on an emotional level.

 

Aforementioned site also mentions that "excellent communications" are crucial in romantic relationships between sexuals and asexuals. I expect relationship counseling will be able to help both of you improve that aspect.

 

Wishing you the best -- sorry I do not have more to offer.

[reservoirdog1]

If it were me, I'd have a lot of difficulty with this. Absolutely, sex in a relationship isn't everything. But it's still pretty damned important.

 

The reason for her "asexuality" aren't really important. What is imporant is that she's, well, apparently asexual. And you need to decide if that's something you can accept in a relationship, even if your own sex drive isn't generally through the roof.

 

If she's going to be continually reduced to tears just because you raise the subject, then that's also a huge problem because it demonstrates that she's not willing to even talk about it or try to work on it. Which basically means it's her way or the highway.

 

I think you need to be clear with her, in as nice a way as you possibly can: you have physical needs in a relationship, you love being with her, you want to have a great sexual relationship with her, will she work on this problem with you?

 

If she won't, then your choices are (1) accept a life of celibacy, or (2) end the relationship.

[lilmrcheerful]

Hi Ronni,

 

Thank you ever so much for your reply which has really helped.

 

I totally appreciate that the diagnosis wasn't a professional one, however, she has been diagnosed with a condition called vaginitis, she has a huge fear of sex which I can totally understand. I have been very supportive of her, however, she has increasingly shut me out and doesn't want to talk about this much. She appreciates that she needs help but I think she prefers to ignore this. As I said, I can accept this but to a certain point, as long as I don't get aroused then I am fine, the moment I am, I become upset because naturally I want to express my feelings towards her in a sexual way too, after all, she is my gf and we love each other deeply, plus being so attracted to her makes it even harder too.

 

She is also Bi-Sexual, not sure if this has any bearing on matters, maybe not but I thought I'd mention it in case maybe someone may think it may have.

 

I think you are right when you suggest that she lacks understanding, but she does have compassion towards it because she does "regret" not being able to make love, she sincerely believes that she will never experience it and she has most certainly appeared to have given up.

 

Sex isn't something that I am overly bothered about, but I do want some sort of intimacy, I have been intimate with every single one of my past relationship and this one feels a little strange. I am not giving up where maybe a lot of others would have, she means the world to me, I just wished I knew where to find the balance in letting her know that if there isn't going to be any intimacy until further notice then I can't give her massages in the way she wants them, it just turns me on so much, I can't help it but they do.

 

I also hope that things improve although I think some cracks are starting to appear which is really upsetting us both.

 

Thanks for reading.

[reservoirdog1]

Sorry, double post.

[Ronni_W]

some cracks are starting to appear which is really upsetting us both.

According to asexuality.org, being bi, straight or gay is neither here nor there, when dealing with genuinely asexual individuals.

 

But of course, you have now moved away from asexuality and into the area of fear of sex. That she recognizes (grudgingly admits?) that she needs help also points away from asexuality.

 

Which really then leaves you with having to help her deal with her fear. Well, first helping her want to deal with her fear, I guess. Which means her getting really clear about what she will get out of participating in a healthy, wholesome, fun and passionate fully sexual relationship (her benefits and gains, so to speak.) She'll need many good reasons to want to explore a fearful situation that she'd rather ignore.

 

The cracks that are starting to show may prove to be the positive motivation that she'll need. As tough as this sounds, a little LESS understanding and a lot MORE open and honest communication about your own needs, limitations and future hopes may also assist.

 

"Less understanding" can just be you standing firm on your refusal to indulge her in her back rubs; expressing your own needs clearly and lovingly; opening up about your dreams for a future filled with sensual back rubs..."just as soon as we get to the bottom of what is blocking all of that for us."

 

A bit of "tough love" may stimulate her to take another look at things and seek alternative perspective and approaches, with goal of ensuring that your relationship continues to grow and flourish.

 

I actually would think that a therapist who specializes in sexuality issues would be most appropriate and beneficial -- getting her to that is an entirely different thing, not to mention delicate and difficult.

 

My instinct is saying it's about having to help her accept that she DOES have capacity to experience an extremely satisfying sex life and, even more importantly, she DESERVES to experience it.

 

I'm interpreting that she has no desire/interest in pleasuring you manually or orally -- what are her feelings about not being into that? (Having taken asexuality off the table, that is.) But even there, it will need so much patience, and commitment/devotion, and open, honest communication, and er, more patience, to get her to the point of first wanting, then being comfortable enough, to approach/touch you in a sexual way.

 

There is a book that may be helpful. 'The Art of Sexual Ecstasy' by Margo Anand. I'd even suggest that you read it first...leaving it out in plain view, of course...and then share whatever your instinct tells you may be pertinent and useful.

 

PS: Yes, sex during a bout of vaginitis can be painful (but not necessarily) but the common forms of it are not chronic according to just-googled sources. As far as I'm aware, most women suffer from vaginitis at one point AND another. Her fear and ignoring would rather suggest that this might have become the "easy" explanation that allows her to ignore the real problem and deny her sexual self -- here again, too much understanding can become more of co-dependent/enabling behaviour on your part.

[vanilla87]

To me it sounds like she isn't mature enough to have sex since she actually gets upset and cries over the idea of it even being a conversation.

 

Also if you can't talk about it nor even have a real mature sit down with her, then she is NOT ready to be getting sexed up with you period.

 

But it seems to me maybe something happened in the past that is preventing her to even want to talk about sex or even doing it at all.

 

If she was taken advantage of or had a horrible experience her first time, no girl is going to be capable of being comfy with the idea of sex, let alone being able to trust you, its not about you it would be about her fears.

 

But if thats not the case, then she just isn't mature enough to be in a full fledge sexual relationship with you.

 

Now ask yourself, how long are you willing to wait till she is ready to sleep with you? because if she can go for years, then you have to wonder how much is she really worth curbing your sexual desires.

 

I'm a female and for me, I couldn't go past 6 months if I was in a real relationship that was mature and ready to have sex, because in the long run you'll get frustrated and it'll offend her because you will be too mad at her that she doesn't give in to the idea of talking about it let alone doing it with you.

 

Also if she has morals, like religion, then she won't for a really long time...

[mark982]

maybe she isn't bi- sexual at all. but is strictly gay,and isn't willing or won't come out. and is using you to hide her true wants and needs.my wife has a female friend like this.If you're willing to give up a good sex life stick w/ her.

[norajane]

she has been diagnosed with a condition called vaginitis, she has a huge fear of sex which I can totally understand.

 

Here's a link on vaginitis:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginitis

 

It is not a condition. It is an easily treatable vaginal irritation or infection. That hasn't been going on for 4 months if a doctor has already diagnosed her, so cannot be the cause of her lack of desire for sex.