Pregnant and husband left me

[darger]

Hi...my husband, 38, and I, 30, were going through a rough time regarding how to handle finances. We almost split up, but he came to a realization that a marriage means sharing (he stopped working for a year and when he resumed, he wouldn't share his money with me, meanwhile everything I made went to our joint account and paid all the bills.) In reconciliation, he wanted to admit that he had sought comfort and support outside the marriage with ex-girlfriends, though only through phonecalls and emails. I admitted I had done the same, and we both agreed all that would stop.

 

A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. A couple of weeks after that he told me that he couldn't forgive me for what I had done and wanted a divorce. I convinced him to stay, cried and begged although I kept wondering why he didn't see he did the same. A few weeks after that he still couldn't forgive me and told me that he could only have passion and fun, nothing less. He needed to be happy. He said he would move out of my house when he found a place to live. He also asked me to get an abortion at 17 weeks.

 

I fought him for a bit, but then I stopped. Later that day I ordered divorce documents and told him that although I had fought for him to stay in this marriage, I completely respect his reasons for wanting to leave - thus these divorce papers will be at his disposal to sign when he is ready. I also told him I made the decision to keep my pregnancy out of concern for the baby and my health (an abortion procedure at 17 weeks seemed too risky for me) but would not list him as the father on the birth certificate so he wouldn't worry about providing child support. He doesn't make a lot of money and doesn't have access to financial support like I do. Furthermore I am fortunate to have a good paying job. His response was that he was thankful I thought about his feelings and he didn't know what direction to take at this point.

 

I tried to be just in this situation and not corner him like a dog. Do you think I did the right thing?

[J2FT1]

Hi...my husband, 38, and I, 30, were going through a rough time regarding how to handle finances. We almost split up, but he came to a realization that a marriage means sharing (he stopped working for a year and when he resumed, he wouldn't share his money with me, meanwhile everything I made went to our joint account and paid all the bills.) In reconciliation, he wanted to admit that he had sought comfort and support outside the marriage with ex-girlfriends, though only through phonecalls and emails. I admitted I had done the same, and we both agreed all that would stop.

 

A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. A couple of weeks after that he told me that he couldn't forgive me for what I had done and wanted a divorce. I convinced him to stay, cried and begged although I kept wondering why he didn't see he did the same. A few weeks after that he still couldn't forgive me and told me that he could only have passion and fun, nothing less. He needed to be happy. He said he would move out of my house when he found a place to live. He also asked me to get an abortion at 17 weeks.

 

I fought him for a bit, but then I stopped. Later that day I ordered divorce documents and told him that although I had fought for him to stay in this marriage, I completely respect his reasons for wanting to leave - thus these divorce papers will be at his disposal to sign when he is ready. I also told him I made the decision to keep my pregnancy out of concern for the baby and my health (an abortion procedure at 17 weeks seemed too risky for me) but would not list him as the father on the birth certificate so he wouldn't worry about providing child support. He doesn't make a lot of money and doesn't have access to financial support like I do. Furthermore I am fortunate to have a good paying job. His response was that he was thankful I thought about his feelings and he didn't know what direction to take at this point.

 

I tried to be just in this situation and not corner him like a dog. Do you think I did the right thing?

 

Yes you did the right thing. Not many women think like you anymore. Let him go off and grow up.

[Touche]

"Just?" How is it just? It's not just to your baby and it's not just to you either.

 

You didn't produce this baby on your own. He needs to take responsibility. He sounds like a spoiled brat.

 

Don't enable this immature and deplorable behavior.

 

Why should a child that he is half responsible for suffer the consequences of his non-support (financial and otherwise)?

[Touche]

Yes you did the right thing. Not many women think like you anymore. Let him go off and grow up.

 

Too late for that. He should have "gone off and grown up" BEFORE producing a child. Now he has a responsibility that he should be obligated to bear.

 

I'm glad not many women think like the OP in this regard.

 

This reminds me of a guy who called my H's practice today. (H is a lawyer.) He wanted to find out about signing off his rights to see his kids so he could get out of paying child support.

 

Turns out the mother is getting financial aid from the state. What a creep. I was thrilled when my H told him it doesn't work that way.

 

Why should the state and its taxpayers bear HIS burden? What a jerk! He can't do that under the law.

 

Not saying this is the same situation, as the OP sounds more financially secure..but still. It reminds me of this call today.

 

Sad.

 

Glad most men aren't like this. At least I don't think they are.

[Gunny376]

You counldn't divorce this worm soon enough!

 

No self-respecting man would ask a woman to abort his child, and then not support them!

[Shiranna]

but would not list him as the father on the birth certificate so he wouldn't worry about providing child support. He doesn't make a lot of money and doesn't have access to financial support like I do. Furthermore I am fortunate to have a good paying job. His response was that he was thankful I thought about his feelings and he didn't know what direction to take at this point.

 

Just because he is a bit of CRAP doesn't make him not liable for this child. He needs to face the MUSIC. It is only going to get worse. Kids are EXPENSIVE, both in $$$ and emotionally.

[SingleDad]

I'm confused...

 

Is this your husband's child and he thinks you are trying to trap him ?

 

or is H angry because he thinks this child was from an affair while you were apart ?

 

Whoever the father is needs to be listed on the birth certificate regardless of the finances - he could make money later... unless he really is a scumbag and you want to avoid him gettting any custody and want him completely out of your life for good... but I still do not think it is right your child will never know who his father is - that is just not right.

[Mr. Lucky]

I also told him I made the decision to keep my pregnancy out of concern for the baby and my health (an abortion procedure at 17 weeks seemed too risky for me) but would not list him as the father on the birth certificate so he wouldn't worry about providing child support. He doesn't make a lot of money and doesn't have access to financial support like I do. Furthermore I am fortunate to have a good paying job. His response was that he was thankful I thought about his feelings and he didn't know what direction to take at this point.

Who is being an advocate for your unborn child? You're considering giving away something - the identification of the father - that is not solely your decision to make. Doesn't your son or daughter deserve a connection - financial or otherwise - with his or her father? You husband was probably happy to be there for the conception, so now he also gets to experience the next 18 years. Shame on him for wanting to walk away and on you too for even considering letting him do it ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[discouraged4ever]

let him "go." but dont let him "off"

[Moose]

Is this your husband's child and he thinks you are trying to trap him ?

 

or is H angry because he thinks this child was from an affair while you were apart ?

Yeah....I think something else is going on we're missing here...

[whichwayisup]

He also asked me to get an abortion at 17 weeks.

 

A sane thinking man wouldn't ask his wife to abort their child, even if the marriage was on shakey grounds. You've both cheated on eachother - Are you saying physical affairs? Because if your husband is scared that the child you're carrying isn't his, that's the only reason why I can think of he'd ask you to abort. If it's his, then there's more issues and problems in your marriage, or he isn't ready to be a father yet. I hope you come back and tell abit more info about your situation..

[darger]

Thanks for the responses. I think I want to clear up some things. My husband is an alcoholic, though sober. I didn't really fully understand this when I met him since he told me he gave up alcohol a year earlier. He never drank the 3 years I was with him, and doesn't now. However, he quit working for the last year to attend AA meetings and do soul searching, which was when I began to resent him for shirking financial responsibilities and questioned him about the extent of this illness. It's weird for me to think of him as an alcoholic, but I learned that dry alcoholics have certain tendencies, even though they are sober.

 

I see now that he isn't well, and probably hasn't been in the past, but he truly hid it well from me. Alot of you think that I'm letting him off the hook, but do you think if I made the court pay for his kid and make him visit him, he would become a father? My kid would associate that as a father figure? Would getting even really make things right? Also I'm not denying him as the father, I'm actually giving him the option to step up as one.

[SingleDad]

My father was a drunk alcoholic and nearly drank himself to death, but instead he used potassium cyanide to finish the job when I was 15.

 

Yet he was still my father - and the only father figure I had. I do not regret having him as a father, though I think about his life and fate often enough.

 

Alcoholism is a disease and an addiction, not a personality disorder - no more than cancer is disease or smoking is an addiction. You may want to attend Al-Anon to understand the disease better and help your H stay away from the alcohol drug - just one drink and they can fall back into the habit. The fact that he has remained sober the entire time you have known him, shows me the man has some good traits to him as well - that is one tough addiction to get over.

 

Anyway, you also knew your H was an alcoholic when you were with him and are now having a child with him. He is the father like it or not and your child has a right to know his father, and your H has an obligation to his child. If he is a bad father figure, maybe you should focus on getting full custody of your child, allowing visitation with the father, and if there is a divorce then your can re-marry and find a better role model father figure in a step-dad.

 

Sorry to lay it out there like that - you just hit a touchy button on mine. Yes I had a rough childhood, but at least I knew who my father was.

[Touche]

It's not about "getting even." It's about doing what's right for your child. Why should your child be denied the financial support? Isn't it bad enough if the father doesn't step up and act like a father in every other sense? Because you're right. You can't make him do that.

 

You say you don't need him to help financially. You say that now. And if that's the case then put the money away for your child's education and future.

 

Also, you'd be surprised how many men like this when forced to pay child support actually DO end up stepping up to the plate and at least have visitation with their kids.

 

Don't deny your child his/her due. If you don't do everything in your power to get him involved financially and otherwise, then you're not doing everything a good parent should do.

[SingleDad]

But sober alcoholism is no excuse to not get a job and financially support his family - there are other negative traits about him that are not due merely to being an alcoholic.

 

My father had a PHD in chemistry with 16 patents and invented "Off" type bug spray and worked with others on inventing Keri lotion.

 

So alcoholics can support their family and be a role model to society.

[darger]

I don't get it. You guys seem to think I'm trying to keep my husband away and deny my child a father. The name of this topic was not, "Pregnant and I'm Leaving Him". Did I not mention that I begged him to stay? That I asked when he was ready to establish his paternity because he wasn't ready to do so now?

 

You are asking me to do the obvious. If I could I wouldn't be here. How do I make a grown man work for a living and provide for a family? How do I make someone step up and be responsible? How do I do it in a way where they feel they had a part in making that choice? Please tell me, how?

[SingleDad]

I admit I was being hard because you hit a button on the alcoholism bit - I think it may have little to do with alcoholism and more on his personality - He is plain lazy.

 

I was not telling you to stay married to this man... though as it were - I wish my wife would have figured out we were not meant to be together before we had a child together. I would do anything I could to keep my marriage together. I am a good man, a good father, and would be a good husband again if my wife let me.

 

By needing a paternity test - to prove who the father is, does that mean that you are not sure yourself ?

 

What I am saying it the real father will always be the father, whether it is on paper or not. Even if he is an irresponsible, lazy father figure - that does not change the fact that he is the biological father - and as such has legal responsibilities - whether or not you and he are married to each other going forward.

 

I have come to learn through my childhood and now through my divorce - that there is nothing more important than a father to his child and a mother to her child - whether they are married or not. He may not realize it now because the child is in a womb and not running to hug him - but when the child grows up... maybe not even for a few years... The father should come to his senses and realize what a gift a child is.

[whichwayisup]

However, he quit working for the last year to attend AA meetings and do soul searching, which was when I began to resent him for shirking financial responsibilities and questioned him about the extent of this illness. It's weird for me to think of him as an alcoholic, but I learned that dry alcoholics have certain tendencies, even though they are sober.

 

Yes he quit his job, but he was working on himself, figuring things out. That to me, is a big thing, a positive thing. UNLESS he didn't help out around the house, didn't do chores, and just lazed around while you worked and paid the bills.

 

You are asking me to do the obvious. If I could I wouldn't be here. How do I make a grown man work for a living and provide for a family? How do I make someone step up and be responsible? How do I do it in a way where they feel they had a part in making that choice? Please tell me, how?

 

Go to marriage counselling together, that's something to discuss with him.

[Touche]

I don't get it. You guys seem to think I'm trying to keep my husband away and deny my child a father. The name of this topic was not, "Pregnant and I'm Leaving Him". Did I not mention that I begged him to stay? That I asked when he was ready to establish his paternity because he wasn't ready to do so now?

 

You are asking me to do the obvious. If I could I wouldn't be here. How do I make a grown man work for a living and provide for a family? How do I make someone step up and be responsible? How do I do it in a way where they feel they had a part in making that choice? Please tell me, how?

 

I'm sorry, Darger but I don't get what you don't get.

 

Here is what I was mainly responding to:

 

but would not list him as the father on the birth certificate so he wouldn't worry about providing child support

 

That is just SO wrong..on so many levels. I wish you could understand that.

 

Who cares if he feels like he's a part of the choice or not? He was part of the choice when he had sex with you and you became pregnant. As for the rest, if he feels like he's not "part of the choice" so what? That's life. You have to be accountable as an adult.

 

The way you make him step up and be responsible is by getting a lawyer and going through the courts. That's how.

 

Stop enabling this guy. Make him be accountable. And maybe, just maybe, he'll surprise you in the end and be a REAL father.

[darger]

The paternity test is for his comfort and reassurance, not mine.

 

SingleDad, I understand your point of view. He may not have made a great husband, but I always wanted him to be the dad. I thought that instinct will take over and he would be a great influence to the child, because it is his child. I'm merely taken aback that someone, whom I had great confidence was a deep down good person, would walk away.

[Mr. Lucky]

Stop enabling this guy.

Also the first word that popped into my mind. Interesting that his alcoholism qualifies him in the OP's mind to avoid doing the right thing. I don't get it.

 

This isn't about what he wants, can, needs, will or won't do. This just is his responsibility, now and ongoing. Assuming you are having this baby, then the events are set in play. No going back for you and especially not for him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[darger]

Yes he quit his job, but he was working on himself, figuring things out. That to me, is a big thing, a positive thing. UNLESS he didn't help out around the house, didn't do chores, and just lazed around while you worked and paid the bills.

 

Yes! That is what happened. But I guess instead of lazing around he was just attending AA meetings, twice a day, everyday.

 

 

Go to marriage counselling together, that's something to discuss with him.

 

Yes, we went to 3 of them, the last one he hated because the counselor called him a "peter pan", meaning someone who was still a boy and not yet a man.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, we went to 3 of them, the last one he hated because the counselor called him a "peter pan", meaning someone who was still a boy and not yet a man.

 

Hmm, seems the counsellor hit a nerve with your husband. The truth hurts!

 

Your husband needs to man up and fix himself, he needs to grow up!

[darger]

The way you make him step up and be responsible is by getting a lawyer and going through the courts. That's how.

 

Stop enabling this guy. Make him be accountable. And maybe, just maybe, he'll surprise you in the end and be a REAL father.

 

I'm sorry, I have to disagree here. Getting ordered by court to pay for your own child is far from assuming responsibility. That's merely monetary punishment and I've stated that money is not what I'm after. I'm trying to get my husband to see he needs to be a father. Countless people pay child support and hate it because it's a chore. Countless people receive child support and still hate it because it's not enough.

[Touche]

I'm sorry, I have to disagree here. Getting ordered by court to pay for your own child is far from assuming responsibility. That's merely monetary punishment and I've stated that money is not what I'm after. I'm trying to get my husband to see he needs to be a father. Countless people pay child support and hate it because it's a chore. Countless people receive child support and still hate it because it's not enough.

 

Wow. This is sad. You're so wrong. I wish you could see it.

 

It's not "far from assuming responsibility" at all. That's what the courts are there for. Who cares if he hates it because it's a "chore." Wow. I'm just shocked at some of what you say here. And it's not "punishment" to take care of your responsibility and your child. It's just that some immature and sad individuals need the government to enforce what most responsible parents do willingly. But yeah, you have a Peter Pan on your hands so he has to be "made" to assume responsibility.

 

Do you not see that this is for your CHILD. It's not for you. It's not to punish him. It's to help raise the child. Like I said, put the money away for your child's future then. But you're not being a very good mother if you don't go after what is your child's due.

 

You've gotten some excellent advice here. And you may disagree all you want but hopefully one day, you'll realize that it's good advice aimed at helping you to do what's best for your child.

 

This is no longer about just your or about him.

 

And did you read the part where I wrote that many parents step up to the plate and act more like a parent when they're "made" to provide financial support. I'm not pulling this stuff out of my ass. My H sees it in his practice all the time.

 

Well, I've said all I can say here. You asked for advice. But you don't seem to agree with how to go about this in a way that will be in the best interest of your child.

 

I doubt your H will just wake up suddenly and become a man. Especially not with you enabling him to continue to be a big baby. Too bad you won't let the court system help speed up his growing up.

 

Your doing your child no favors.

 

Good luck.