Divorce

[PWSX3]

O.K. I've been working at saving a marriage & it didn't work, the W started packing her stuff last night & said she is finished & will be moving out as soon as she finds a place.

 

I've read many of books trying to better educate myself & thanks to all the support here I feel I did my best to make the marriage work.

 

I do listen to a Christian talk show & people call in with questions & the one thing they keep saying is you have to grieve the divorce as though it is a death. You go thru the same type of pain.

 

My question is are there any books out there to get you through a divorce???

 

Has anyone ever gone to classes? I noticed there are support groups in my area for such things. Would this be something I should look into???

 

For some reason it really hasn't hit me just yet. I know when she moved out when we separated I was a wreck, but I don't feel that way just yet but then she has only started to pack up a few boxes maybe it will get worse.

 

For those that know my story such as LadyJane, Gunny, ILMW, etc. I just want to thank you for all your help & support. You guys don't have to be here & take up your time to help people you don't even know but you have helped many people including me and I thank you for that.

[SingleDad]

I recommend DivorceCare - it is a 12 week program helping those through divorce - usually offered by large Christian churches...

 

Tons of books out there - many mentioned on the various threads - surprised you haven't heard of them - you've been around here a long time...

[dgiirl]

PW, I'm sadden to hear of this news, but I know you did your best.

 

From the very beginning, some of the things you've written about your wife rang bells in my ears and I felt your wife is going through some sort of depression and she doesnt seem to realize it just yet. I know I didnt at the time when I was going through my own, but a lot of the things you've written about her, I was doing myself, especially about wanting things to change and yet being complacent in life. If she pursues this road, I at least hope she'll wake up and realize what she is doing and snap out of her depression. Hopefully, you two will be able to reconcile, but if not, you will still be ok!

 

As for yourself, I think it's a great idea to seek out some kind of support system, whether it's individual counseling or group organizations. You might not grieve as much as the first time, you might not even grieve at all because you know you did your best, but in either case, having a support system is still a good idea. Not just necessarily for you to deal with your divorce, but to also get beyond your divorce and for every day things. We all need support from time to time.

[GreenEyedLady]

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out. You know you did your best at trying to put it back together.

 

What about Crazytime?

 

I read it when I went through my divorce. My best friend loaned it to me after her XH left her. I found it to be a good resource. It has all sorts of stories in it.

 

((HUGS))

[PWSX3]

dgiirl, the thing I don't understand is she is on meds for depression. I have always wondered if it was working or should be tweaked, but she thinks it works & I have no say about it.

 

I really feel she is doing a good job of not being honest with the shrink that she sees about it.

[john30]

Sorry to hear it's not working out for you PWSX, especially after all the hard work you've put in.

 

A better day will come, I'm sure.

 

John.

[ilmw]

PW,

 

You did your best! As for the depression... yeah... you can be depressed and not even know it... you feel lost... and don't know what to do. Almost like being trapped in the dark, and not being able to find your way out to the light.

 

I dont know of any titles to recommend... but have seen a lot of books on the subject at the book store.

 

And... yes I agree... the end of a marriage is like a death... similar grief... but.. I think it lingers more.... because... someone still lives... but not with you??

 

Keep your chin up... so when this does hit you... your head will still be high... and you won't be looking at the ground watching your feet.

 

Take care bud,

 

ilmw

[sumdude]

PW,

 

 

And... yes I agree... the end of a marriage is like a death... similar grief... but.. I think it lingers more.... because... someone still lives... but not with you??

 

 

Yeah... having faced both a few times the last couple of years I agree. It lingers because they made that choice you have to live with and never quite understand. You have to get over that feeling that somehow you weren't good enough for them. That they lost faith in you and the marriage. That you weren't worth trying harder, being more patient etc etc..

 

They're still around... and you wonder what the heck they're up to.

 

It'll be OK.. just takes some time and effort to deal with it.

[Missy27]

And... yes I agree... the end of a marriage is like a death... similar grief... but.. I think it lingers more.... because... someone still lives... but not with you??

 

Sorry to hear this news PW. You did your best ~ and that's all you can do. In the end.

 

I think what ILMW says above is very true. My eldest brother got divorced 5 years ago and was a total wreck. He said the worst thing for him was that the divorce split his two children up. One lived with him, the other with the ex wife. It broke his heart that two little boys couldn't live together as brother's and recalled how close him and my other elder brother were when they were younger (they were thick as thieves ~ believe me!)

 

I remember talking to my bro in length about his divorce and it always stuck in my head that he would say to me that to a point, he wished that Garg (my name for ex wife) had died rather than divorced him because she would ALWAYS be around somewhere ~ lingering in the background ~ reminding him constantly of all the pain he went through and ~ would always be somewhere nearby ready to trip him up as soon as he started to get his life back on track..... and as much as I wouldn't wish ill on anyone without good cause ~ I could kind of see where his thinking on that one stemmed from.

 

PW ~ I still think your wife's issues lie within herself ~ I think she's very unhappy on many levels and I think she's got so many deeply routed self esteem demons that until she learns to be truly happy within herself ~ you're basically pi$$ing in the wind trying to save your marriage.

 

You'll be ok PW ~ This is old hat to you ~ you know the drill now ~ and you know you'll be ok either way ~ You've still got your boy and you've got your health ~ that's two of the most important things to remember

[lovelorcet]

I personally think that it can be initially worse than a death. From my own experience I was still head over heels in love with her even after 10 years. She more or less came home one day and said she thought she had met someone else.

 

-I lost my wife

-my friend

-my lover

-the whole life we had made

-I had move across an ocean to be with her and had no family...

 

On top of that, there is more than just the loss but also the rejection that goes along with it. I think all of that hurt more and caused me to suffer more than if she would have just died one day.

 

But this was a few years ago... I have healed and we are on really good terms with each other now. It is a bit hard to explain but now that I have healed it makes me happy to see her, to hear how she is doing and to still have her in my life the way she is.

 

If she had really died then I think I would have mourned her for the rest of my life in some way.

 

So the initial sting hurts but it goes away...

[PWSX3]

Has anyone done divorce groups or anything like that after the spouse moved out?

 

I think there are some in our county & I was thinking of maybe doing that just to make sure I can grieve & work my way through this & not let it just set in my head.

 

I have a tendency to sometimes just put stuff in the back of my head & not deal with it but I feel this is something I really need to deal with so I can get passed it.

[PWSX3]

After talking last night with the stbxw it got me thinking.

 

So does this sound like something that might make since?

 

When a person is wanting out of a marriage they see the bad in the marriage, while the other person that is trying to keep it together sees the good?

 

Then once they are separated/divorce do those rolls change?

The person that left starts to look at the good times they had while the other starts to see all the bad?

 

What got me thinking about this is when we were talking I told the stbxw we could be divorced as soon as 3 months, but when I told her that she said she isn't sure she wants to do it that fast.

 

She said she wants to make sure the grieving of her friend wasn't getting in the way of her thoughts on our marriage.

 

We still get a long now & hopefully we will afterwards, but then down the road will there be that chance she will want to come back?

 

I have a cousin that married, divorced, then got married years later to the same gal. The lawyer said she has worked with a couple that have been married three separate times.

 

Just my mind wondering around trying to drive me crazy :laugh:

[SingleDad]

PWSX3 - I attended a DivorceCare 12 week course through my church - certainy something to look into.

 

I think during my marriage I was clueless and unhappy. My W was trying to get through to me that she needed more from me and I took that as nagging.

 

Now that she forced the separation, she is not looking back and I am hoping for a reconciliation.

 

I think such a dramatic event has people wake up and see things differently - they either react and want to try hard to make things work - or they go the opposite way and get so hurt by the process they need to end it asap. Unless both people turn toward each other and decide to try to make it work - do things have a chance. Though I am hopeful and praying that by my turning toward my W with desire to reconcile - she may some day see how much I love her that she may be willing to at least let me show her (even if she does nothing at first than let me).

[TrustInYourself]

After talking last night with the stbxw it got me thinking.

 

So does this sound like something that might make since?

 

When a person is wanting out of a marriage they see the bad in the marriage, while the other person that is trying to keep it together sees the good?

 

Then once they are separated/divorce do those rolls change?

The person that left starts to look at the good times they had while the other starts to see all the bad?

 

What got me thinking about this is when we were talking I told the stbxw we could be divorced as soon as 3 months, but when I told her that she said she isn't sure she wants to do it that fast.

 

She said she wants to make sure the grieving of her friend wasn't getting in the way of her thoughts on our marriage.

 

We still get a long now & hopefully we will afterwards, but then down the road will there be that chance she will want to come back?

 

I have a cousin that married, divorced, then got married years later to the same gal. The lawyer said she has worked with a couple that have been married three separate times.

 

Just my mind wondering around trying to drive me crazy :laugh:

 

Anything can happen. I think that would be up to you.

[ryanrigney22]

I recommend DivorceCare - it is a 12 week program helping those through divorce - usually offered by large Christian churches...

 

Tons of books out there - many mentioned on the various threads - surprised you haven't heard of them - you've been around here a long time...

 

I agree completely with this recommendation. Thats a good book to read when dealing with a situation like this.

[PWSX3]

PWSX3 - I attended a DivorceCare 12 week course through my church - certainy something to look into.

I found a couple of churches in my area that do these courses so I'm going to look into them. Thanks for the information.

[Ariadne]

they keep saying is you have to grieve the divorce as though it is a death. You go thru the same type of pain...it really hasn't hit me just yet...maybe it will get worse...

 

Why would you want to go to some support group or read books if you are not even in pain? Just because they say so?

 

Be glad that you are taking it so well, maybe during the separation you got over it already.

 

See what happens now.

[PWSX3]

Why would you want to go to some support group or read books if you are not even in pain? Just because they say so?

 

Be glad that you are taking it so well, maybe during the separation you got over it already.

 

See what happens now.

I feel the reason it hasn't hit me yet is because the stbxw is still living here, we went out shopping last night with our son to get cloths for school, etc.

 

Last night when she told me she had her own place now it really hurt, like someone hitting me in the gut so I know there are stormy weather ahead.

[Ariadne]

I feel the reason it hasn't hit me yet is because the stbxw is still living here, we went out shopping last night with our son to get cloths for school, etc.

 

Last night when she told me she had her own place now it really hurt, like someone hitting me in the gut so I know there are stormy weather ahead.

 

Yeah, maybe you are in denial.. Especially with the anecdotes from the lawyer about those people getting married three times etc.

 

Well, good luck there. Never know what will happen.

[PWSX3]

Yeah, maybe you are in denial.. Especially with the anecdotes from the lawyer about those people getting married three times etc.

 

Well, good luck there. Never know what will happen.

Like I had said before the way I grew up is what keeps me thinking I need to keep the marriage together.

 

If I really ask myself if I am happy I can say; no I don't think so, we just don't have anything in common anymore but like the Christian suggestions I have received say; its not the outside but the inside we need to fall in love with & maybe that is something I never did do. Maybe I just look at the outside & not the inside I don't know. :confused:

 

Hopefully this will give me time to sort things out, use this life experience to make my next one (if I have one) better.