My Affair Made OUR Marriage Great

[MiVatoPorVida]

I have been with my H for 14 yrs now. I am 31 & he is 33. Our marriage was never perfect, no ones ever is. But we have been thru alot and we always manage a way to work it out. But at the beginning of the year I betrayed my H in the most pathetic way. I had an A, with a man I had met just a few months prior.

 

My H was too comfortable in our marriage... he told me himself he just never thought he had to worry about me going anywhere. He lacked compassion... especially in public. And I am a Woman, I love attention, compassion, love, kisses and hugs coming from my H, we lacked communication... it was always only when he wanted to talk.

 

I have always been stable with him it was just the love and attention ZI needed so I found it somewhere else.... I know it was wrong, but my husband and I were arguing everyday already, I got to the point that I didnt even want to show him affection and I think the OM had alot to do with my confusion. Before the A I told my husband we r not right and we need to fix it or we r going to have to seperate... his response "whatever, do what u want". So I did... and had the A.

 

My husband got suspicious, and when I went out that friday and came back late... he had a feeling. He found mmessage I had of him on my Phone cuz I forgot to delete. ANd that is where everything started... but I did not deny it. I was completly honest with him about the A. I guess since i felt that the marriage was over anyway, this would make it easier for us to seperate. instead..... I realized what a great man I had at home. He did not leave me or kick me out or beat me up... he cried, he went hysterical, he was angry and confused. He went thru the normal stages of a BS... but that pain I saw in his eyes and for t he first time that I saw him cry the way he did... God how it tore me up inside.

 

It has been 6 months since the affair. He has gone thru all his stages... anger, sadness, resentment, loss of love..... He still can not trust me completely. but I am doing everything to gain his love & trust back. And we are now more in love than ever.... while he was going thru his phases, I was getting hurt as well, confused and hurt that I almost love the man I truly love. but i finally told him that "i dont want to lose him, and I love him and only him and how sorry I am for what I did.... and that I understand that he must hate me for what I did... but if he wants to stay with me then we need to start moving forward and make things right, but if he thinks he cant be with me no more, or feels that he can never trust me again or hates me for what I did, then we need to stop now and go our seperate ways. cuz not only is he hurting but I am hurting too. I love him".

 

We are doing so good right now..... he has been more passionate with me, tells me he loves me and kisses me... everything that i wanted to begin with. All I need to do is continue being a wife anbd give my love in return, and dont give him reason to doubt me and just assure him that I love him and only him.

 

But this A really made both of us realize that we do love each other. The only thing left is to get his trust back.... and as hard as it is, I am doing whatever it takes... and hopefully one day, he can trust me just like he use to... but he is "My Vato Por Vida"

[John Who]

you are very lucky you got a second chance,live and learn you know what lead you to your A,always keep that passion going and if you feel it fading talk about it make shure you always have communication with him.

 

Goodluck

[quankanne]

I think maybe you've put down this post as a way to profess your bravery in an very uncertain situation. Because deep down, you know that having lost his trust, it's going to take a long, long time to heal your admittedly troubled relationship. Almost as if you had the affair to "prove" to him (and you) that it didn't matter if you slept around, and that you didn't care if you hurt him because he hurt you by shutting you out. And while that's a very normal thought process, you're stuck with an even trickier situation of trying to get the marriage's trust level back to where it was before.

 

"And we are now more in love than ever.... We are doing so good right now..... he has been more passionate with me, tells me he loves me and kisses me... everything that i wanted to begin with. All I need to do is continue being a wife anbd give my love in return, and dont give him reason to doubt me and just assure him that I love him and only him.

 

this reminds me of those couples who say arguing for some fire is the best thing for a relationship because the make-up sex is incredible. I always felt that was being a bit dramatic, because you shouldn't have to manufacture an event just for a relationship to be "good."

 

but that's merely a two-bit opinion from someone who thinks there are much better ways at making a relationship work ...

 

good luck to you, I think you're going to have a very hard row to hoe because of the lack of trust you introduced to the marriage.

[Owl]

Perhaps I'm misreading your post, but I don't see any regret or remorse over the affair really spelled out in your post.

 

You seem glad that the affair occurred.

 

Not trying to attack, but want to understand your mindset.

[MiVatoPorVida]

I am Very Blessed, Thank you. I didn't post my thread to get my situation criticized... I just posted to let others know, that there is always a hope. When you love someone and they love you back, the love is infinite. And the way he responded, comes to show he is a great man and that is the reason I realizeand understand now the reasons I do Love him and always have. He took in the situation as a MAN, and not only saw the situation for "What I did Wrong", but he saw it also as "Where did he go wrong for me to go and do this" cuz I wasn't the only to blame. Have you ever heard the saying???? "You can make a Woman Fall In Love With you, But Can you keep Her IN Love?" Other Husbands ... would just say f*** the B**** and get the F*** out or go and revenge on the spouse. Which tells me that there was no true love to begin with cuz u gave up too fast.

 

The reason I did not go into detail about our whole marriage cuz believe me after 14 yrs of marriage... I would run out of space on this post. Therefore I stuck to the points... I am very regretful, I am disgusted with myself... never did it cross my mind to cheat on my husband, but when u start feeling lonely, and unappreciated, and u find this fresh voice telling u how beautiful, and how he would love to have a girl like me, u begin to feel wanted. I know cheating was not the answer, that is why I regret every minute of it. I can say I will never do it again, cuz it was an experience for me as well, to think I almost lost my family, my husband, my life... The minute my husband found out, it was like my world just shattered.... I still cant beleive how close I was to losing him. But the minute he found out, i did everything ppossible to show him I was done with the EA and one time PA... I even contacted the OM to tell him, It was a mistake in front of my H.

 

I could go on and on... but I will ne here all day, so I will answer Q as they come. Thanks.

[MiVatoPorVida]

Once again:

 

i am very regretful, i am disgusted with myself... Never did it cross my mind to cheat on my husband, but when u start feeling lonely, and unappreciated, and u find this fresh voice telling u how beautiful, and how he would love to have a girl like me, u begin to feel wanted. i know cheating was not the answer, that is why i regret every minute of it. i can say i will never do it again, cuz it was an experience for me as well, to think i almost lost my family, my husband, my life... The minute my husband found out, it was like my world just shattered.... I still cant beleive how close i was to losing him. But the minute he found out, i did everything ppossible to show him i was done with the ea and one time pa... I even contacted the om to tell him, it was a mistake in front of my h.

[Owl]

Thank you for posting that...I meant no insult.

 

I can appreciate where you're coming from...my wife felt similarly after her affair and our reconciliation as well.

 

I wanted to ask...what specific steps have the two of you taken to work through all of this? How did you deal with his anger/hurt/etc..., how are you rebuilding his trust in you, etc...?

[orangesean]

Perhaps I'm misreading your post, but I don't see any regret or remorse over the affair really spelled out in your post.

 

You seem glad that the affair occurred.

 

Not trying to attack, but want to understand your mindset.

 

I agree, it sounds like she lacks remorse or feels like she can take what she's entitled to by hurting someone else or putting them under her finger. It's apparent most when she wrote:

"I am a Woman, I love attention, compassion, love, kisses and hugs coming from my H"

 

Like that's all good and fine, a man should always show compassion and attention throughout the whole marriage, but it sounds like she expected it to just come her way without work on her part. Does she give the man compassion and attention? There are a lot of "old fashioned" women who sometimes feel they don't have to give but only receive.

 

But I'm just going by the little information the OP has given us. It may be a completely different situation.

 

I'm not sure the reason for this thread but I'm getting the theme that if your marriage doesn't work, screw someone else and then your spouse will try harder.

[MiVatoPorVida]

Thank you for posting that...I meant no insult.

 

I can appreciate where you're coming from...my wife felt similarly after her affair and our reconciliation as well.

 

I wanted to ask...what specific steps have the two of you taken to work through all of this? How did you deal with his anger/hurt/etc..., how are you rebuilding his trust in you, etc...?

 

 

No insult taken... just wanted to clear it up. I guess it it all depends on the person.... You learn from your mistakes no matter what the situation. I learned from mine... I got to a point that I felt he just didn't love me and didn't care so I figured it wouldn't hurt him the way it did. I swear to myself never to make him or anyone go thru that again. It really honest to God hurt me to see him going thru his pain and phases.

 

The steps we have taken are on our own... We did try MC, but the responses were more negative. Made us angry in a way, so we ditched that. The A, remains a secret... only him and I know about it. Wich it was his idea but I agreed. Him because of shame, and me because of shame. So basically we have learned to communicate with each other. I think communication is the key. Before we didnt have that, he just didnt want to hear it.... so after a while I didnt want to hear it, our passion is better than ever. When we kiss it feels so much better.... we take showers in the morning sometimes... I work days and he works nights, so when he gets home he call wakes me up with a kiss, and asks me if I want to take a shower with him... "OF COURSE I DO".

 

It was hard at times when he was going thru his phases... I just had to take it. When he was sad and cried, I was there to cry with him and told him over and over how sorry i was.... when he was mad, I took the negative words he told me and if he asked me aboutb the A, i answered him but he wanted to know but assurred him i was wrong, and regret and how sorry i am, when he was resentful and told me he didnt love me no more, i told him but i do love you and im sorry ..... it was hard and still is hard. I am afraid to wake up one day and decides that he doesnt love me or cant forgive me or trust me and tells me it is over. I would die. One minute he was loving me, and the next he would tell me to get away from him. It hurt me... I was afraid we were done. But I stuck it thru.

 

I do everthing..... i have always cooked and cleaned.... still do, but now, he can hold on to my phone if he wants without me hurrying him up to give it back, I can keep the ringer on LOUD, he can answer my calls if he wants, he can go thru my phone bill, my emails, he has the PW for everything. If I go to the store, he needs to know but thats ok. If he asks me what am i doing, i just tell him the truth and never say "nothing or why or why do u want to know". but it is ok, I am not hiding anything anymore. He checks my phone everynow and then... I know it is hard to not have the trust from your husband but that is the consequence of it all. It was worse when he first found out. He did not let me go to work for the first 2 weeks. He missed days too, he had his sister move in with us, he had me on the phone with him everyminute he was not with me. His sister moved out after 3 weeks so it got hard again. But little by little he starting to trust again. I just have to be patient.

[Kenyth]

The steps we have taken are on our own... We did try MC, but the responses were more negative. Made us angry in a way, so we ditched that. The A, remains a secret... only him and I know about it. Wich it was his idea but I agreed. Him because of shame, and me because of shame. So basically we have learned to communicate with each other. I think communication is the key. Before we didnt have that, he just didnt want to hear it.... so after a while I didnt want to hear it, our passion is better than ever. When we kiss it feels so much better.... we take showers in the morning sometimes... I work days and he works nights, so when he gets home he call wakes me up with a kiss, and asks me if I want to take a shower with him... "OF COURSE I DO".

 

Hopefully things continue to work out for you two, but this part makes me wonder if he has truly come to terms with it. It smacks of denial and pretending it didn't happen.

[imagine]

Hi M

 

There is a poster here by the name of Poppy that is in a similar situation as yourself before the affair.

 

What would you advise in place of having your affair that would have boosted your relationship?

[MiVatoPorVida]

I agree, it sounds like she lacks remorse or feels like she can take what she's entitled to by hurting someone else or putting them under her finger. It's apparent most when she wrote:

"I am a Woman, I love attention, compassion, love, kisses and hugs coming from my H"

 

Like that's all good and fine, a man should always show compassion and attention throughout the whole marriage, but it sounds like she expected it to just come her way without work on her part. Does she give the man compassion and attention? There are a lot of "old fashioned" women who sometimes feel they don't have to give but only receive.

 

But I'm just going by the little information the OP has given us. It may be a completely different situation.

 

I'm not sure the reason for this thread but I'm getting the theme that if your marriage doesn't work, screw someone else and then your spouse will try harder.

 

 

As a matter of fact..... Yes I did my part. I always do my part. I have a full time job, I am a mother of a 9 yr old girl, I have a house to maintain, our home is always clean, I cook a home-cooked meal everyday for my family, I dont deny him anything, never did, i did everything for him and still do. I maintain the finances, errands, even sex is never denied to him and it is great.

 

As I said before, the purpose of this thread was to give hope to others that are in the same predicament as I am. Let them know there is hope in a marriage after and A, but it all depends on how much love there was to begin with.

[MiVatoPorVida]

Image:

 

Poppy Writes: {This "affair" guy made me feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and like a real woman in every way. I cannot believe he still wants me after all the crap I put him through. He is single, no kids, btw.

 

I feel so shallow for even thinking about restarting the affair, but this man provides an oasis of love in my emotional desert.}

 

Wow, her story does sound so much llike mine before and during. The only difference now is that I have lost complete communication for the OM. I changed my numbers, closed my email i comm with him. with, and i specifically told him that it was a mistake. It sounds like Poppy is still communicating emotionally with the OM. SHe sill never be able to clear her thoughts that way.

 

I have been thru so much with my H... we have been together since teenagers. Since I was 15... and things were always great... just that as we gopt older, he told me himself he just got too comfortable, thinking that the compassion didnt matter since we were already married. Which he is completely right. He was hard to communicate with before, he was so serious, angry, kept to himself emotionally. Didnt understand the concept of letting it all out especially to your wife... it is ok.

 

Instead of the affair... what would have boosted the R? I guess woman to man, if we cook for you, at least have the courtesy to clear the table, if we clean for you, at least throw oiut the garbage... 50/50. For a woman, think ahead. Stop, Look & Listen>>> Stop and think of the consequences. Are u wqilling to lose your H and Family and trust and life for another man that jhasn't seen u without your makeup? Look at your H in his eyes and ask him one simple question. "Do you love me"? Listen to your heart... i didnt, i knew it was wrong, and during our rendevous, I felt uncomfortable but I didnt listen to my tru feelings.... if I did, I would have never gone to see the OM that night. I would have went home to my H to tell him I love him and that i needed his love.

[lkjh]

Give it time its only been six months, eventually hes going to realize he shouldn't be competing for his wife and hes not going to be so eager to take so much blame for YOUR mistake. This post is about 5 years to early

[InaPanic]

I think you sound very remorseful for what you did. And i think you were able to show where your husband could have done things that led up to what you did but i don't feel like you are trying to lay all the blame on your husband. I congratulate you for making it this far after the affair was revealed. I agree your husband showed strength & genuine love for you by staying. You haven't said but have you cut all contact with OM?

If you two can work this out now I see no reason why 5 years from now he's going to suddenly decide he's done & leave as I think one poster was saying. Best of luck to you both.

[MiVatoPorVida]

I think you sound very remorseful for what you did. And i think you were able to show where your husband could have done things that led up to what you did but i don't feel like you are trying to lay all the blame on your husband. I congratulate you for making it this far after the affair was revealed. I agree your husband showed strength & genuine love for you by staying. You haven't said but have you cut all contact with OM?

If you two can work this out now I see no reason why 5 years from now he's going to suddenly decide he's done & leave as I think one poster was saying. Best of luck to you both.

 

Thanks InaPanic: I am very remorseful for what I did. I sometimes pray to God that there was a time machine so that I could go back in time and take back what I did. But I can't and now I have to deal with the consequence. I am not at all blaming my husband for what i did, I made the choice, I just wish I could have made the right choice. I think my H and I have a special love and bond that we were both 2 blind to see and this just open our eyes. He came to understand my needs and what I need to be happy, and I came to understand and appreciate what he means to me and the love we have is strong but as delicate as a rose with no water. I love my husband, and I will never give him no reason to doubt me anymore, i will never do anything to disrespect him as I did. SO in 5 years if he does decide to leave me cuz he can't take the blame for my mistake or be compete for his wife, then I will have to understand, but at least I know in my heart that I did everything I could to fight for his love and trust again and if I don't succeed then I will have to deal with it THEN. For now, I am enjoying every minute I lost with my husband.... everything he never did with me before, he is doing now. And I will just have to do my part to show him i love and appreciate HIM.

 

As for the OM, I have cut complete contact with him. The day my H found out I contacted him in front of my H and told him it was All a Big Mistake. the last time I saw him was the night of the affair and I left there feeling disgusted... so when my H told me to cut contact with the OM, I did not think twice. I changed my phone number, and my email that same week. And now my husband can look at my phone bill and emails with my PW cuz I assure I have nothing to hide.

[Trimmer]

If you two can work this out now I see no reason why 5 years from now he's going to suddenly decide he's done & leave as I think one poster was saying. Best of luck to you both.

I don't wish to knock the OP or judge whether she is sufficiently remorseful. But I do think the comment about "5 years from now" is an important one.

 

If "working this out now" consists mainly of agreeing that it was a mistake and we're going to move on like it didn't happen and continue with our lives, maybe feeling a little wiser, then I think there's a reasonable chance that the fundamental pathology in the relationship that lead to the affair may eventually rear its head once again. Happened to me - 10 years and 2 kids after the affair, we divorced partly, I think, because we just kind of put the affair away - hey we agreed and said "OK, then, let's just move on" - and we let time turn the wounds into scars, but we never explored the fundamental problems in our relationship directly, and thus didn't heal the underlying disease that eventually brought our marriage to an end.

 

Again - I'm not predicting what will happen with the OP - I wish her and her husband the very best. I hope they will heal in time, but as lkjh put it more bluntly, don't underestimate the damage that's been caused, how deep it might be, how much work it will take to repair it, and for how long it will affect the foundations of your relationship.

[changchewsoon]

Dear MiVatoPorVida,

 

Wow, I hope everything is well between you and your husband now. After what has happened, I'm happy for the both of you that things are being put behind and moving on.

 

Building back the trust is certainly not an easy task, it takes a long time to build it and seconds to just lose it.

 

I just hope that one day your husband will not suddenly "snap" out from his mind wondering why the hell did he allowed himself to be put through all those phases of denial, anger, disappointment etc 5 years down the road. Then he'll start to question himself, and that's the time where things could turn ugly where he starts to bring up the past.

 

But given the determination you have, there's still a chance. You've shared how remorseful you were for your actions from your postings, I guess if you could bring the same impact to your husband he would truly feel it.

 

I honestly do hope that the both of you could work it out. All the best.

[MiVatoPorVida]

Some people r not following. I know I did alot of damage in this marriage... I hurt my husband like he's never been hurt before. My husband trusted me with his life before the Affair. I did and still do everything for him. We have been thru so much.... as teenagers we were inseperable... he has given me everything materialisticly.... don't get me wrong. He was not a bad man.... he is a great father, great provider, my family loves him, his friends love his great sense of humor, he is a great lover.... but emotionally, he had so much anger growing up as a kid, and since he could never communicate with his family.... he grew up holding alot inside. He didnt communicate with me, he didnt show affection enough, he didnt appreciate everything i did for him, he was at times emotionally abusive....

 

I confronted him with my feelings prior to the affair. 1 year prior to the affair, we had a heated argument and seperated for about 2 weeks.... in those 2 weeks, I went to my moms. In those 2 weeks I still went home and washed dishes and picked up a little... he eventually asked me to com back home. We talked about it over lunch and I told him every single problem i had with the relationship and he told me his. I told him that he tells me he will fix the prob, for 2 weeks he will be ok and then he starts again.

 

Prior to the affair, I was feelind depressed again.... i was crying to myself everynight. I told him that we need to talk... his response "here we go again" , i told him that if we cant fix this problem then it is time to seperate. His response "do whatever u want".

 

Basically, after the affair, once he found out, i told him everything that happened. Why I did what I did..... basically, I felt that my husband didnt love me. Bottom line.

We are not putting the affair behind us and expecting to forget about it.... we're just not letting it stop us from moving forward with our lives. We have learned so much from this experience. Now we can sit in the car and actually converstae, I can kiss him in public and hell kiss me back, we laugh more and smile, i could still see a hurt in him when he looks at me somtimes.... but instead of telling him what is his problem, cuz obviously i already know, instead I look at hime back and tell him How much I love him and means to me.... he looks at me, and tells me "you promise" I say "yes I promise", and he tells me I love you too and kisses me and sometimes just tells me .... he loves me and he just wants to make me happy I just have to promise never to hurt him again. I swear to him I wont.

[JackJack]

"We talked about it over lunch, and I told him every single problem I had witht he relationship and he told me his."

 

Just out of curiosty, what was his problems he found with the relationship? You had stated what your problems were with him and the relationship, so what did he say?

[quankanne]

it's good that you've been able to get to this point, mi, but the worrisome thought is that this response is a temporary thing ... that there is no real framework established (like with some form of marriage counseling) to keep the relationship slipping back to where it was before. We're all creatures of habit, and unless we teach ourselves how to do things differently, we backslide. And I think that's where a lot of the posters are coming from: Your actions may have elicited the desired response from your husband, but something's wrong with the picture when it boils down to a bad deed getting results. That should come from positive action, not negative ones ... because at some point, it could blow up in your face, esp. when he starts feeling like he's being taken advantage of, being played a fool or whatever is that will upset him and he's going to stop trying.

 

I think you're one of the more fortunate ones in that your affair brought you closer, but without the right foundation, it could be a problem in the future.

[InaPanic]

Mi, your last post really touched me! I think it really does sound like you both are trying. I have to admit I am not as sold on the therapy thing as the bulk of the people here are. If you already know what caused you to have the affair then, imo, you know what to work on & you both are.

 

I also understand what everyone else is saying & it really scares me that my husband at some point might just go 'oh hell with it all'. I honestly can't see him doing that but I also know that nothing can be ruled out in ones life. But counseling doesn't work for everyone. My husband & I tried & we both just had a hard time with it because we both have long been people who never took psycho-babble seriously. I'm not trying to be insulting or say that it doesn't work for a lot of people but it just didn't seem to do much for us.

 

Only time will tell. You could go to counseling & end up divorced or you could continue to do things as you are & be successful. Or it could end up the other way around. There just are no guarantees & we all have to do what we feel is best in our own situation.

[Untouchable_Fire]

He took in the situation as a MAN, and not only saw the situation for "What I did Wrong", but he saw it also as "Where did he go wrong for me to go and do this" cuz I wasn't the only to blame. Have you ever heard the saying???? "You can make a Woman Fall In Love With you, But Can you keep Her IN Love?" Other Husbands ... would just say f*** the B**** and get the F*** out or go and revenge on the spouse. Which tells me that there was no true love to begin with cuz u gave up too fast.

 

You left the marriage dummy. You just didn't have the guts to tell him to his face.

 

What are you doing to keep him in love with you? That is the real question here!

[porter218]

MVPV,

I just thought I should point out that I am sure your H is not thinking your A was the best thing that happened to your M. Yes, I agree there is hope for Ms that have suffered such a blow, however you could/should have fixed your M a more respectable less destructive way. I promise you a piece of your H died from this A, and he is likely in more pain then you know. He will likely be able to move on with your M and continue a happy life with you, however he will take this pain to his grave...don't ever forget this.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Talk about one of the many statements that really doesn't make sense, this is one of them. People really should thoroughly think about. These false ideas and statements people subscribe to are some of the things that continues the cycle of negative effects of life. So many foolish people subscribe to this idea, tell others, they try it, and wonder why they are on the fast road to Splitsville, hurt, or worst. An affair is NEVER, EVER right or good. You can't take a negative and make it a positive. It would be like peeing in a cup, mixing sugar and water in it and adding some ice cubes and calling it drinking lemonade. Yes it may hydrate you and maybe refresh, but you are still taking back into yourself all the impurities and toxins your body is releasing (and actually one should only do such a thing once or twice for survival).

 

The fact that the marriage is stronger and better was not the fact an affair went on. It was because the two of you were willing to sit down and talk and work on things. The affair was just the catalysis for talks and negotiations (like pointing a gun at someone's face to get them to conversate). The couple have to dig through all the stuff that lead to all the negative things that went on in the relationship. One has to rebuild the trust that is lost and that same level of trust will never be the same.

 

Just because the marriage is "great" in your eyes, you will never truly know what is going on in the mind of all those involved. You don't know that the person is secretly having you watched and spied upon (I know of a few people who love their spouse deeply, but because of a certain act, has introduced a new level of protection and distrust that will always be there). Betrayal never, ever gives one the full level of trust back, no matter how much one's partner tells you so.

 

In short, the title of the thread is a falsehood. It is because you and your spouse are finally able to do what you both should of been doing a long time ago is what is making your marriage great, not because you had an affair.

 

 

DNR