My Affair Made OUR Marriage Great

[Trimmer]

Several other posters have commented on the possibility that your husband will wake up in 3 or 5 or 8 years and decide that it's not working and he wants to leave. Maybe so, maybe not.

 

The other possibility I would consider is that this will happen to you again instead. In other words, things will be "great" for a while - this is the honeymoon phase; my wife and I were really close after her first affair - but then one or both of you will slip back into old ways, and eventually the relationship will slide back towards the same state it was in that led to this affair, or at least something like it.

 

If that does happen, I think it more likely, based on the relationship history you described, that your husband will just learn to live with it, and that you will eventually do something about it. Maybe this time you'll just leave, maybe once again you'll take his treatment of you to be justification to go seek solace elsewhere.

 

he loves me and he just wants to make me happy I just have to promise never to hurt him again. I swear to him I wont.

I'm not really as bitter as this is going to make me sound, but the only difference between this vow and the one you made when you got married is that now you have proven you can break them.

 

What are you going to say, that "back then" you didn't realize how much an affair would hurt your husband? How could someone not know that? The issue is that once you were fed up with the state of your marriage, you didn't care, and that's the same state you can get right back to again. And it's not just about your husband making changes to please you, and you "just have to promise never to hurt him again." It's about both of you making fundamental changes in yourselves.

 

I'm not throwing stones out of hostility here, it's just that I've been through the scenario you described, and it was "great" for a while (enough to have two wonderful kids, who are deeply loved by both their parents...) but it turned out that 10 years later, while I was still willing to make the marriage work, and working to balance family and marriage, she ultimately decided it wasn't for her, and left - once again into the arms of another man. I'm sure she "didn't intend" to hurt me, but I'm sure that once again, she just got to the point where she felt justified in not caring.

 

I hope you do work it out, make it all good again, etc. But don't think your job is done after convincing him to make permanent changes, and that you "just have to promise never to hurt him again." Seems simple, and even obvious, but it's not enough.

[bish]

We are doing so good right now..... he has been more passionate with me, tells me he loves me and kisses me... everything that i wanted to begin with. All I need to do is continue being a wife anbd give my love in return, and dont give him reason to doubt me and just assure him that I love him and only him.

 

But this A really made both of us realize that we do love each other.

 

don't kid yourself. Maybe it has, maybe it hasn't. it may be the "infidelity fog". I was in shock when I found out about my wife's affair. I tried to overcompensate myself, but at the same time, deep down I was highly angry. I just chose to supress it.

 

the "fog" may lift for your H soon and he may start thinking differently. He may act the same and fine, but I guarantee you, he will not forget what you did to him and he may grow resentment later.

 

When the "fog" lifted for me, I realized I was being played and that my wife thinking that her affair was a good thing spawned my resentment.

 

I divorced her not soon after that.

 

He may be ok on the outside, and who knows maybe he is truly ok with you messing around with another man. they have a word for that.

 

But even though he may be ok on the outside, trust me, he will look at you from time to time and feel some sort of resentment towards you for what you did. It may be great for you, but I guarantee you, he is scarred for the rest of his life.

 

 

The only thing left is to get his trust back.... and as hard as it is, I am doing whatever it takes... and hopefully one day, he can trust me just like he use to... but he is "My Vato Por Vida"

 

Problem is, with the attitude that, "my affair helped my marriage", what is to stop you from going out and having another one if he gets comfortable.

 

I mean come on, if the worst thing is that a person gets comfortable in the marriage, and cheating is a result, I'd hate to see what happens when there is a REAL problem.

[bish]

Perhaps I'm misreading your post, but I don't see any regret or remorse over the affair really spelled out in your post.

 

You seem glad that the affair occurred.

 

 

Well said. she learned a very valuable lesson, cheat on your partner if things don't go your way and she will get what she wants.

[bish]

I am Very Blessed, Thank you. I didn't post my thread to get my situation criticized... I just posted to let others know, that there is always a hope. When you love someone and they love you back, the love is infinite. And the way he responded, comes to show he is a great man and that is the reason I realizeand understand now the reasons I do Love him and always have. He took in the situation as a MAN, and not only saw the situation for "What I did Wrong", but he saw it also as "Where did he go wrong for me to go and do this" cuz I wasn't the only to blame.

 

There is the problem. You just justified what you did. I know you will come back and say you aren't blaming him for your decision to cheat, but come on. You are.

 

 

Have you ever heard the saying???? "You can make a Woman Fall In Love With you, But Can you keep Her IN Love?" Other Husbands ... would just say f*** the B**** and get the F*** out or go and revenge on the spouse.

 

Not me. I don't do the revenge thing. I simply leave a relationship with a cheater.

 

 

Which tells me that there was no true love to begin with cuz u gave up too fast.

 

If you loved him, you wouldn't have cheated. Even though you want to stay in your M, you gave up on him the minute you made yourself available to another man.

 

 

The reason I did not go into detail about our whole marriage cuz believe me after 14 yrs of marriage... I would run out of space on this post. Therefore I stuck to the points... I am very regretful, I am disgusted with myself... never did it cross my mind to cheat on my husband, but when u start feeling lonely, and unappreciated, and u find this fresh voice telling u how beautiful, and how he would love to have a girl like me, u begin to feel wanted. I know cheating was not the answer, that is why I regret every minute of it. I can say I will never do it again

 

When you have the attitude like an affair was a good thing for your marriage, then no, you can't say you will never do it again. In your own words, you never intended to have an affair. Hence, it just "happens", right? If it just "happens", then that is an insinuation that you had no control over it.

 

 

cuz it was an experience for me as well, to think I almost lost my family, my husband, my life... The minute my husband found out, it was like my world just shattered.... I still cant beleive how close I was to losing him. But the minute he found out, i did everything ppossible to show him I was done with the EA and one time PA... I even contacted the OM to tell him, It was a mistake in front of my H.

 

I could go on and on... but I will ne here all day, so I will answer Q as they come. Thanks.

 

Ok, here is a question. And don't just say you'd forgive and move on so easily.

 

What if your husband now feels like he is inadequate and "needs" validation from another female and goes out and gets him a little on the side. What would you do?

 

Really think about that. Really put yourself in that situation and ask yourself, could you ever put out of your mind and never be haunted by the vision of him thrusting himself into another woman and pleasuring himself with another woman?

[Darth Vader]

My husband got suspicious, and when I went out that friday and came back late... he had a feeling. He found mmessage I had of him on my Phone cuz I forgot to delete. ANd that is where everything started... but I did not deny it. I was completly honest with him about the A. I guess since i felt that the marriage was over anyway, this would make it easier for us to seperate. instead..... I realized what a great man I had at home. He did not leave me or kick me out or beat me up... he cried, he went hysterical, he was angry and confused. He went thru the normal stages of a BS... but that pain I saw in his eyes and for t he first time that I saw him cry the way he did... God how it tore me up inside.

 

I hope you're happy with yourself doing this to your husband!

 

"i dont want to lose him, and I love him and only him and how sorry I am for what I did.... and that I understand that he must hate me for what I did... but if he wants to stay with me then we need to start moving forward and make things right, but if he thinks he cant be with me no more, or feels that he can never trust me again or hates me for what I did, then we need to stop now and go our seperate ways. cuz not only is he hurting but I am hurting too. I love him".

 

You don't want to lose your hubby, a bit late for that! After you rode another man!

 

and I love him and only him and how sorry I am for what I did....

 

No, you're NOT! Otherwise you wouldn't have done this to him!

 

But this A really made both of us realize that we do love each other. The only thing left is to get his trust back.... and as hard as it is, I am doing whatever it takes... and hopefully one day, he can trust me just like he use to... but he is "My Vato Por Vida"

 

That's the problem lady, he'll NEVER get that back again! EVER!

 

I know cheating was not the answer, that is why I regret every minute of it.

 

But you did it anyway! Then why did you do it? I know, out of selfish revenge on your husband! Well, you got it! Now you have to live with it!

 

The only thing you did that was honorable was not denying the A to your hubby.

 

What I have posted is harsh, but not half as harsh as what's been done to your husband, and your little girl, oh yes, you cheated on her as well.......

 

However, you do sound remorseful, but, it's a little late.........

[Darth Vader]

Ok, here is a question. And don't just say you'd forgive and move on so easily.

 

What if your husband now feels like he is inadequate and "needs" validation from another female and goes out and gets him a little on the side. What would you do?

 

Really think about that. Really put yourself in that situation and ask yourself, could you ever put out of your mind and never be haunted by the vision of him thrusting himself into another woman and pleasuring himself with another woman?

 

I see what you are saying Bish. Those are the images that will haunt her husband for the rest of his life, of her screwing another man!

[bish]

I see what you are saying Bish. Those are the images that will haunt her husband for the rest of his life, of her screwing another man!

 

And even if he decides to work it out an if things on the surface seem fine to her, with him, it won't be. He may come to a point where he doesn't think about it as much, or he can put on a really good front and "seem" happy. But deep down he will always have some sort of resentment and will envision her hopping up and down on another man.

 

Thats the cold truth of it. What kind of life is that? Only way to get rid of those visions to where you aren't bothered by them any longer is to get rid of the cheater.

[PandorasBox]

And even if he decides to work it out an if things on the surface seem fine to her, with him, it won't be. He may come to a point where he doesn't think about it as much, or he can put on a really good front and "seem" happy. But deep down he will always have some sort of resentment and will envision her hopping up and down on another man.

 

Thats the cold truth of it. What kind of life is that? Only way to get rid of those visions to where you aren't bothered by them any longer is to get rid of the cheater.

 

 

That's exactly what I did in my situation. I got rid of my now ex-husband. I don't play the cheating game, if you cheat you're gone, period. He did, so he got the boot. For me, I just couldn't see hanging on to something I would always wonder about and wonder if he was doing it again, to me that wasn't a life.

[MiVatoPorVida]

U know what guys.... I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out for you 'pandorasbox and bish and trimmer. I know what I did was wrong and we will have to live with it for the rest of our lives. But it's done... I really expected him to leave me and divorce me and hate me and probably even kick my ass for what I did to him. But he didn't... and as hard as it has been for him to deal with it.... he made a decision to Forgive me for what I did. Yeah, I never expect him to forget about it, but if he did find it in his heart to fogive me then all we can do from this point on is to find the flaws we had in this marriage and fix them so that we can save our marriage and hopefully move FORWARD. It has been hard seeing him go thru this pain I have caused... but I am going to fight for my husband's love no matter what it takes. He loves me in a special way, in a way u guys will never know.... because besides the 1 time affair I had... I never had cheated or lied or disrespected my husband in any other way. I always have and alwys will do what my husband asks of me.... yeah I messed up what everyone presumed to be a happy marriage but in reality, it was not. And I know cheating was NOT the answer, but in a crazy way, it helped our marriage out. We have learned to communicate without yelling at each other, we have learned how to show compassion without pushing each other away. And maybe it is a phase for him, but for now as long as my husband is willing to except me regardless of what I have done and caused, I am going to take advantage of the situation by excepting the love he is giving me and me giving it back to him. And if he does decide that in 5 yrs or 6 or even 8 years, that he doesnt love me, or that he can't live like this or leans to hating me for what I did and decides to leave me... then I guess I will deal with it THEN> but for now I am very greatful that I have a man like my husband.... i'm just mad I couldn't see it before.

[Trimmer]

Yeah, I never expect him to forget about it, but if he did find it in his heart to fogive me then all we can do from this point on is to find the flaws we had in this marriage and fix them so that we can save our marriage and hopefully move FORWARD.

That's all I'm saying - don't just move forward blindly, but put some work into it. Good luck.

 

He loves me in a special way, in a way u guys will never know....

While my first response was to be insulted, I'll set that aside. I did know, because 13 years ago, I was your husband.

 

I'm not going to throw stones; I truly wish it all turns out well for both of you.

[Triarge]

You know MiVatoPorVida, if I were you I would discount most of these replies predicting your future demise. I'm not sure who they think they are helping, not your husband because he's not here, and I cant possibly see how all the negativity is helping you.

 

I am in a very similar situation to you, though I'm 1 and a half years into recovery. My relationship with my wife is like nothing its ever been in 15 yrs. I've since realised alot of things about myself and my relationship with my wife.

 

What alot of people fail to realise is that in alot of cases an A is a 'symptom' of an already deep rooted problem. What I have since realised with my own M is that prior to the affair I was wanting for something. Something I thought was lacking and could only be obtained outside of the M. This wasnt a thought, it was a feeling I had for a long time. Part of the problem was that I wasnt putting enough into the M to get back out what I was craving. Mainly affection. That 'love' feeling.

 

On top of that my expectations were unrealistic. We're not the people that Hollywood would have us think we should be. We're flawed, imperfect people.

 

Looking back I cant see how our marriage could have continued the way it was doing. If I hadnt have had an A then I'm sure that eventually my W would have. And failing that the relationship would have just died a death of antropy.

 

The A was a train wreck for both of us. But it was also a new start. We're going to renew our wedding vows seeing I broke that original promise and I want to say those things again with hindsight knowing exactly what it means to foresake all others.

 

If I had one bit of advice for you it would be this. Let go of the guilt and forget the past; its only going to weigh you down. Dont think to the future, because you cant live in the future without sacrificing the now. You live all the moments you have with your husband the best way you can. Dont take him for granted and 'talk to him' when something isnt right.

 

I wish you (and myself) good luck.

 

Triarge

[PandorasBox]

"I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out for you PandorasBox."

 

It's ok, it was the best thing that ever happened actually.

[Owl]

Something to consider...

 

 

Some people really CAN'T get "past those mental images". I can believe that Bish, Darth, and others simply could never get past that point. It was too overwhelming, too devestating...there was no healing in that relationship for them. I can see that.

 

But, there ARE others who CAN and DO heal. That CAN 'get past the images'. That rebuild a better marriage, and learn how not to focus on the painful past. They're not haunted by the affair, by the images, because they've healed both themselves and their marriage. What they've got in front of them is far, FAR better than letting those images keep creeping back in.

 

There are two sides to this...and both are right.

[bish]

U know what guys.... I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out for you 'pandorasbox and bish and trimmer. I know what I did was wrong and we will have to live with it for the rest of our lives. But it's done... I really expected him to leave me and divorce me and hate me and probably even kick my ass for what I did to him. But he didn't... and as hard as it has been for him to deal with it.... he made a decision to Forgive me for what I did. Yeah, I never expect him to forget about it, but if he did find it in his heart to fogive me then all we can do from this point on is to find the flaws we had in this marriage and fix them so that we can save our marriage and hopefully move FORWARD. It has been hard seeing him go thru this pain I have caused... but I am going to fight for my husband's love no matter what it takes. He loves me in a special way, in a way u guys will never know

 

 

Nice try at a stab with that one. Funny how a cheater thinks she has the gold key to the crapper and the rest of us are unworthy.

 

 

.... because besides the 1 time affair I had... I never had cheated or lied or disrespected my husband in any other way. I always have and alwys will do what my husband asks of me.... yeah I messed up what everyone presumed to be a happy marriage but in reality, it was not.

 

I wasn't completely happy in my marriage either. My XW sure as hell didn't meet all my needs. But you didn't see my going out and sticking my member in other women.

 

 

And I know cheating was NOT the answer, but in a crazy way, it helped our marriage out.

 

Well then maybe he needs to go out and cheat once. Afterall, if it helped, then surely him getting a one night stand out of his system would help even more........right?

[bish]

Something to consider...

 

 

Some people really CAN'T get "past those mental images". I can believe that Bish, Darth, and others simply could never get past that point. It was too overwhelming, too devestating...there was no healing in that relationship for them. I can see that.

 

But, there ARE others who CAN and DO heal. That CAN 'get past the images'. .

 

I got past them, but it took getting rid of one of the people in those images to do it.

[MiVatoPorVida]

Nice try at a stab with that one. Funny how a cheater thinks she has the gold key to the crapper and the rest of us are unworthy.

 

I wasn't completely happy in my marriage either. My XW sure as hell didn't meet all my needs. But you didn't see my going out and sticking my member in other women.

 

Well then maybe he needs to go out and cheat once. Afterall, if it helped, then surely him getting a one night stand out of his system would help even more........right?

 

As I said Bish, Iam sorry that things didn't work out with you and your W... And I am sorry that u couldn't get past the images until u let her go, and u say that u were not completely happy in your marriage either... and u say u didnt go out and stick it to someone else.... but the unhapiness u had in your marriage made it easier to let her go when u found out about her unfaithfulness. Cause like I said before... we love each other and this made us realize the true love we do have for each other... that is the reason we arefighting for our love. But since u were not HAPPY that is why u gave up so easily and didnt even try to figure out the reasons for the unhapiness.

 

ANd honestly... if he was to go out and have an affair on me....i hope he won't do it just to revenge on me, but if he were to, I honestly don't think I would be able to handle it. I don't know if I am as strong as him. But if he would have done it first and since I love him and if I see that he was willing to fight for my love and leftcontactwith the other person, then I would at least try and see where it will take us.

 

but one thing i would want is to know the truth behind it all.... I WON"T WANT TO HOLD IT ALL IN AND BECOME A BITTER PERSON!!!!

[couchmonkey]

OP, are you avoiding Bish's point? Can you be as good a person as you claim your husband is? Respond to this:

 

Well then maybe he needs to go out and cheat once. Afterall, if it helped, then surely him getting a one night stand out of his system would help even more........right?

[MiVatoPorVida]

OP, are you avoiding Bish's point? Can you be as good a person as you claim your husband is? Respond to this:

 

"ANd honestly... if he was to go out and have an affair on me....i hope he won't do it just to revenge on me, but if he were to, I honestly don't think I would be able to handle it. I don't know if I am as strong as him. But if he would have done it first and since I love him and if I see that he was willing to fight for my love and leftcontactwith the other person, then I would at least try and see where it will take us."

 

I thought I did answerhis question.

[couchmonkey]

Have you considered that he may not be motivated by revenge? Do you think the scales are balanced? The question revolves around your husband's self-esteem and how he perceives himself as a sexually potent being not your comeuppance. Though most would perceive you as immoral, or weak as you have put it, your husband is likely privy to the fact that you have other options while he doesn't. That is a power shift in your favor. He thought you were his 'only' and that he was your 'only'. You have asserted your independence and he clings to you because he is unsure of his own. You might be his 'only' and now he must compete for you.

 

Your love can't show him his independence. It can't restore his identity. It can only make him more dependent on you. It encourages the cycle that he competes for you. He may distinguish his personal value from the value of his behaviors that beg for you to stay with him.

 

Do you understand that he may perceive you as more powerful than himself? How do you rectify that?

[Kenyth]

Guys, I think I see some of you transferring anger from past infidelities onto this woman. Be careful with that. They do have a right to try and make a go of it. Her attitude, if she is sincere, seems unusual for a cheater. If he is also the forgiving type, they may be able to get by this. I imagine it will take at least 5 years for him to get over most of it, and he will never be completely over it, so I hope she has the endurance to go the mile.

 

Regardless, understand that your past bad experience gives you a very biased view. Though she did do wrong, try not to immediately bite her head off. It's just not constructive.

[MiVatoPorVida]

Guys, I think I see some of you transferring anger from past infidelities onto this woman. Be careful with that. They do have a right to try and make a go of it. Her attitude, if she is sincere, seems unusual for a cheater. If he is also the forgiving type, they may be able to get by this. I imagine it will take at least 5 years for him to get over most of it, and he will never be completely over it, so I hope she has the endurance to go the mile.

 

Regardless, understand that your past bad experience gives you a very biased view. Though she did do wrong, try not to immediately bite her head off. It's just not constructive.

 

Thank you Kenyth... well put and thanks for unserstanding my point!!! I am very sincere with everything I have posted. I am very sorry for what I did. It is eating me up as well. I honestly don't see how I came to committ such an error in my life. I don't know how other spouses can do this and not feel some kind of guilt or regrets.

 

And now I look more into the situation and I come to realize... the OM, didn't care about me... he just wanted a pice of ass and found it was easy to get it if he played the cards right cuz he found me in a vulnerable moment in my life. And I am not going to make excuses... but just to let others know that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. If the OM cared like he said he did.... he had no concerns, no worries nothing after I told him my husband knows everything. If he did care, I figure he would at least try to see just to make sure that my H didn't kick my butt... or even try even harder to get me to want to be with him.... isn't that what love is all about.... Fighting for Love????????? But it's ok..... I'm just glad it happened the way it did before it was too late... I am so grateful that I have my family and my H in my life. Nothing is worth losing the love and respect I have from my family. And I am willing to go the extra mile just to get that respect back from my H>...... whatever it takes.

[Triarge]

Is that a hint at dissapointment that the OM didnt fight for you?

[InaPanic]

i don't know if i feel Mi is dissapointed but the thought would cross anyones mind in her position. She may not have wanted him to 'fight for her' but of course she's going to notice he didn't.

 

As i've said before try not to take all the attacks here personally. all affairs are not the same & they don't all have to end the same. I think it's human nature tho, that if someones marriage ended that perhaps that person doesn't want or honestly doesn't think yours has a chance.

 

You've been very honest imo, even when it doesn't cast you in the most favorable light. I tried to be as well when i was seeking help. It's all you can do.

 

How are things with you & your husband right now?

[porter218]

U know what guys.... I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out for you 'pandorasbox and bish and trimmer. I know what I did was wrong and we will have to live with it for the rest of our lives. But it's done... I really expected him to leave me and divorce me and hate me and probably even kick my ass for what I did to him. But he didn't... and as hard as it has been for him to deal with it.... he made a decision to Forgive me for what I did. Yeah, I never expect him to forget about it, but if he did find it in his heart to fogive me then all we can do from this point on is to find the flaws we had in this marriage and fix them so that we can save our marriage and hopefully move FORWARD. It has been hard seeing him go thru this pain I have caused... but I am going to fight for my husband's love no matter what it takes. He loves me in a special way, in a way u guys will never know.... because besides the 1 time affair I had... I never had cheated or lied or disrespected my husband in any other way. I always have and alwys will do what my husband asks of me.... yeah I messed up what everyone presumed to be a happy marriage but in reality, it was not. And I know cheating was NOT the answer, but in a crazy way, it helped our marriage out. We have learned to communicate without yelling at each other, we have learned how to show compassion without pushing each other away. And maybe it is a phase for him, but for now as long as my husband is willing to except me regardless of what I have done and caused, I am going to take advantage of the situation by excepting the love he is giving me and me giving it back to him. And if he does decide that in 5 yrs or 6 or even 8 years, that he doesnt love me, or that he can't live like this or leans to hating me for what I did and decides to leave me... then I guess I will deal with it THEN> but for now I am very greatful that I have a man like my husband.... i'm just mad I couldn't see it before.

You know what MVPV, I am not entirely convinced their posts are 'bitter' because of their Ms not working out. They are just speaking the truth. My M has survived my Hs A, and yes we seem to be doing very good(most days). Sure he is a better man then he was before, but I will always till the day I die be haunted by the thought of him f***ing someone else while I was at home being a perfect W. I will never be the same, a part of me has died because of his A, so don't be so quick to assume that your H doesn't feel like me. After all I appear to be very happy and sometimes I truly am, but I have suffered such a blow that I will never get over.

[MiVatoPorVida]

Is that a hint at dissapointment that the OM didnt fight for you?

 

 

Dissapointment.... No. Just to think that I almost lost a man that truly loves me.... to be with someone that just said what he needed to say to get a peice of me.

 

ANd so others that think that the OM/OW loves them or truly cares..... if they cared they would care and respect the fact that u are married and step back.