My Affair Made OUR Marriage Great

[MiVatoPorVida]

i don't know if i feel Mi is dissapointed but the thought would cross anyones mind in her position. She may not have wanted him to 'fight for her' but of course she's going to notice he didn't.

As i've said before try not to take all the attacks here personally. all affairs are not the same & they don't all have to end the same. I think it's human nature tho, that if someones marriage ended that perhaps that person doesn't want or honestly doesn't think yours has a chance.

You've been very honest imo, even when it doesn't cast you in the most favorable light. I tried to be as well when i was seeking help. It's all you can do.

How are things with you & your husband right now?

 

I'm doing alright inapanic.... I don't take the responses personally. I love to hear other's insights on the situation.

 

As for my H and I.... things are great still. Don't get me wrong.... Im not going to sit here and lie and say we are all over each other 24x7. But we are managing a normal marriage.... but way better than it was before. We can sit down at dinner and have an ongoing conversation, when I get home he asks me how was your day and kisses me and tells me he loves me, this morning he made me breakfast, this weekend that just passed we went out on a date to a drive-in, just the 2 of us with no kids; he has been showing me more compassion, he has been more open with me, he doesn't get angry like he use to.... over all; compare to how it was before. things are great. Thanks for asking.

[porter218]

Dissapointment.... No. Just to think that I almost lost a man that truly loves me.... to be with someone that just said what he needed to say to get a peice of me.

 

ANd so others that think that the OM/OW loves them or truly cares..... if they cared they would care and respect the fact that u are married and step back.

Oh wow. What if this OM had fought for your love and proved he really genuinely loved you back...would your M be history??

[MiVatoPorVida]

You know what MVPV, I am not entirely convinced their posts are 'bitter' because of their Ms not working out. They are just speaking the truth. My M has survived my Hs A, and yes we seem to be doing very good(most days). Sure he is a better man then he was before, but I will always till the day I die be haunted by the thought of him f***ing someone else while I was at home being a perfect W. I will never be the same, a part of me has died because of his A, so don't be so quick to assume that your H doesn't feel like me. After all I appear to be very happy and sometimes I truly am, but I have suffered such a blow that I will never get over.

 

If not bitter, than what do you call it? They are mad in some way or another.... they never got past the whol betrayal stage. Which will make anyone angry or bitter. Everyone has their opinions on the situation, that is why I don't take it personally. And I don't deny that my husband is going thru pain within... and it hurts me to know the pain I have caused him.... but I am doing everything possible to show him that I love him and need. All I can do is take it one day ata time.

[almost famous]

Sounds like he's just going through the motions,honestly, not much passion and love on his part. Can't blame him.

 

 

I'm doing alright inapanic.... I don't take the responses personally. I love to hear other's insights on the situation.

 

As for my H and I.... things are great still. Don't get me wrong.... Im not going to sit here and lie and say we are all over each other 24x7. But we are managing a normal marriage.... but way better than it was before. We can sit down at dinner and have an ongoing conversation, when I get home he asks me how was your day and kisses me and tells me he loves me, this morning he made me breakfast, this weekend that just passed we went out on a date to a drive-in, just the 2 of us with no kids; he has been showing me more compassion, he has been more open with me, he doesn't get angry like he use to.... over all; compare to how it was before. things are great. Thanks for asking.

[MiVatoPorVida]

Sounds like he's just going through the motions,honestly, not much passion and love on his part. Can't blame him.

 

 

Compared to how it was prior to the affair.... is alot better for me. Did you read my entire post? I honestly had given up on my marriage because I honestly felt my husband did not love me. And when I would bring it to his attention, he just didnt care. Go ahead AF, read my post!!!

[bish]

As I said Bish, Iam sorry that things didn't work out with you and your W... And I am sorry that u couldn't get past the images until u let her go, and u say that u were not completely happy in your marriage either... and u say u didnt go out and stick it to someone else.... but the unhapiness u had in your marriage made it easier to let her go when u found out about her unfaithfulness.

 

read again, I said I wasn't COMPLETELY happy. Just because I didn't get what I wanted, when I wanted, all the time like a spoiled brat doesn't mean I didn't think the marriage was worthless or worth effort.

 

What made it worthless was her cheating.

 

 

Cause like I said before... we love each other and this made us realize the true love we do have for each other... that is the reason we arefighting for our love. But since u were not HAPPY that is why u gave up so easily and didnt even try to figure out the reasons for the unhapiness.

 

I didn't give up easily......she did by cheating.

 

 

but one thing i would want is to know the truth behind it all.... I WON"T WANT TO HOLD IT ALL IN AND BECOME A BITTER PERSON!!!!

 

Ah, so because I didn't want a cheater, that makes me bitter? Hmmmm....interesting.

[porter218]

.... is alot better for me......

see you said it yourself.. I could tell from all of your posts that this is all that you meant.

[bish]

"ANd honestly... if he was to go out and have an affair on me....i hope he won't do it just to revenge on me, but if he were to, I honestly don't think I would be able to handle it. I don't know if I am as strong as him. But if he would have done it first and since I love him and if I see that he was willing to fight for my love and leftcontactwith the other person, then I would at least try and see where it will take us."

 

I thought I did answerhis question.

 

No, you didn't really.

 

You assert that your affair made your marriage better. So wouldn't an affair by him at this juncture, by your own logic, make the marriage that much more better?

 

maybe he needs to go out and get some on the side to see if he really loves you since you assert that you getting some on the side made you realize you really loved him.

 

In other words, following your logic of an affair being a good thing for your marriage, it might do your husband good to go out and explore himself a little.....right?

[bish]

Is that a hint at dissapointment that the OM didnt fight for you?

 

Thats the way I read it too. Very unusual.

[bish]

You know what MVPV, I am not entirely convinced their posts are 'bitter' because of their Ms not working out. They are just speaking the truth.

 

thats the way it works. When a former BS tries to let a cheater know what may be more than likely going through their BS's mind, we get called bitter.

 

Hey, no sweat. Use to it by now.

[porter218]

thats the way it works. When a former BS tries to let a cheater know what may be more than likely going through their BS's mind, we get called bitter.

 

Hey, no sweat. Use to it by now.

Well I am getting the picture that MVPV is not listening to anything said anyway. She is still very much in a selfish state of mind, she feels like as long as it is better for her, then that's all that matters. If I ever found out my Hs thought process was like hers, then I would be long gone.

[bish]

Well I am getting the picture that MVPV is not listening to anything said anyway. She is still very much in a selfish state of mind, she feels like as long as it is better for her, then that's all that matters. If I ever found out my Hs thought process was like hers, then I would be long gone.

 

Yes, that is the point she isn't getting. She talks about how he is showing her more compassion as a result of her getting it from another man. Hence the message: not getting what you want from your spouse? Go out and get it elsewhere and show them what they are losing.

 

the thing she isn't getting is that he is in a fog right now. When the fog clears, then she can see if it really made their marriage better.

 

I was the same way as he was when I first found out. It was out of fear of losing my family and keeping my kids in a home with 2 parents.

 

The fog didn't last long for me. About 2 weeks of feeling restless I realized that no matter how hard I tried to put on a front for all involved, i still looked at her from time to time and saw "cheater" written across her forehead. That wasn't a life I wanted for myself. I wasn't going to settle, much less fight, for a cheater once I came to my senses.

 

I think there are alot of people out there that stay in a marriage for whatever reason after infidelity. And I won't best them for it. My sympathies will always lie with a BS.

 

But I think even if they stay with someone that betrayed them, then there will always be part of them that just wishes they had someone else, or their partner was someone they thought they were when they first met.

[MiVatoPorVida]

LOL... wow. Isn't it funny how people try to turn the whole story upside down and inside out....!!! Bottom line..... yes i cheated on my H... yes he found out and I did not deny it..... yes he is hurting because what I did... yes I regret every minute of it..... yes he forgave me, yes we are mving on with our marriage rebuilding what we had into better.... am I happier now with my husband... yes. Do i love or want to be with the OM...NO! I never accumnilated deep feelings for the OM... it was just pleasant to hear things that I wanted to hear but would have perfered to hear from my H's mouth. yes I am sorry for what I did. and no, I can't take it back. ALl I can do is assure my H that I will never do nothing like that again, ever.

[PandorasBox]

thats the way it works. When a former BS tries to let a cheater know what may be more than likely going through their BS's mind, we get called bitter.

 

Hey, no sweat. Use to it by now.

 

 

I agree. As I said on a previous page, when I ended my marriage after my ex husband cheated, I was happy with my decison. Best decison I ever made.

 

I do remember a time though where I was called bitter by someone here who had cheated and they had decided to stay in the marraige. All I said was the same thing I said now, its a choice to stay or leave. BUt it came across as her saying I was bitter because I chose to leave and I think she thought I should have stayed, just because she did. Nope, wrong, sorry. If people want to stay wonderful, if they want to leave wonderful.

[bish]

LOL... wow. Isn't it funny how people try to turn the whole story upside down and inside out....!!! Bottom line..... yes i cheated on my H... yes he found out and I did not deny it..... yes he is hurting because what I did... yes I regret every minute of it..... yes he forgave me, yes we are mving on with our marriage rebuilding what we had into better.... am I happier now with my husband... yes. Do i love or want to be with the OM...NO! I never accumnilated deep feelings for the OM... it was just pleasant to hear things that I wanted to hear but would have perfered to hear from my H's mouth. yes I am sorry for what I did. and no, I can't take it back. ALl I can do is assure my H that I will never do nothing like that again, ever.

 

You aren't getting it. The whole premise of this thread is that you say your affair was good for your marriage. Maybe on your end of it, but deep down for him, I guarantee, it just aint so. He may be willing to accept the status quo.

 

and again, if you really feel your affair was good for your marriage, then maybe it would be good for him to go out and do the same. Then we will see if you really feel that an affair is good for the marriage.

[BUENG1]

Compared to how it was prior to the affair.... is alot better for me. Did you read my entire post? I honestly had given up on my marriage because I honestly felt my husband did not love me. And when I would bring it to his attention, he just didnt care. Go ahead AF, read my post!!!

 

Alot better for you, thats the key phrase.

[porter218]

See MVPV.. let me reiterate what I said before...

 

.... am I happier now with my husband... yes. .

Do you not see what is wrong here???

[couchmonkey]

MiVatoPorVida. Serious question:

 

Do you think your husband would make the following statement?

 

"My wife's affair made OUR marriage great!"

[InaPanic]

I think the heading of this thread has caused a lot of people who have been betrayed to be angry & even tho I have heard this statement many many times in the things i have researched & read on the internet I can understand how it would cause anger amonst those that are the BS. I think that may be where a lot of animosity is coming from beyond the simple 'you're a cheater & you always will be a cheater' mentality that sometimes surfaces.

 

C'mon folks, every marriage is different. Every affair is different. Tho it's good to come here & offer help & guidance & it's good to come here & ask for help & guidance giving hateful & mean responses does make you look bitter. That's why you are accused of it. You can let someone know how you feel without getting so personal about it. She does seem to be trying & she does seem sorry. I'm not sure what else you all want from her. No one knows where her marriage will be 5 years from now or that her husband will always look at her as a cheater. Just because some of you did doesn't mean he will. Of course he will never forget but HE is chosing to stay with her for reasons only he knows. And I imagine one of those is that he loves her enough to try to make it work.

 

Bish, I am just curious (tho not trying to highjack this thread) you said you stayed for 2 weeks & then gave up because you didn't think you could move past it. Honestly, do you think if you had tried a bit longer than 2 weeks it may have ended differently? You left pretty early in the realization of the affair when you had to still be hurting something awful & it seems that you are still in that phase. I just wonder if given more time together could the outcome had been different, or if not different could you maybe have moved on a little better. I only ask because I know two people IRL that found out about affairs their spouses had & immediately kicked them out. Both have stated over & over that they regret they did that & wished they had at least attempted to work it out.

[MiVatoPorVida]

MiVatoPorVida. Serious question:

 

Do you think your husband would make the following statement?

 

"My wife's affair made OUR marriage great!"

 

 

Actually he has but not in those exact words. He actually told me that he is sorry for not realizing how much he was hurting me and that this actually opened up his eyes. It will make hima better person so that he won't go back to his ways and so that I dont have reason to go out and do it again.

[MiVatoPorVida]

I think the heading of this thread has caused a lot of people who have been betrayed to be angry & even tho I have heard this statement many many times in the things i have researched & read on the internet I can understand how it would cause anger amonst those that are the BS. I think that may be where a lot of animosity is coming from beyond the simple 'you're a cheater & you always will be a cheater' mentality that sometimes surfaces.

 

C'mon folks, every marriage is different. Every affair is different. Tho it's good to come here & offer help & guidance & it's good to come here & ask for help & guidance giving hateful & mean responses does make you look bitter. That's why you are accused of it. You can let someone know how you feel without getting so personal about it. She does seem to be trying & she does seem sorry. I'm not sure what else you all want from her. No one knows where her marriage will be 5 years from now or that her husband will always look at her as a cheater. Just because some of you did doesn't mean he will. Of course he will never forget but HE is chosing to stay with her for reasons only he knows. And I imagine one of those is that he loves her enough to try to make it work.

 

 

Bish, I am just curious (tho not trying to highjack this thread) you said you stayed for 2 weeks & then gave up because you didn't think you could move past it. Honestly, do you think if you had tried a bit longer than 2 weeks it may have ended differently? You left pretty early in the realization of the affair when you had to still be hurting something awful & it seems that you are still in that phase. I just wonder if given more time together could the outcome had been different, or if not different could you maybe have moved on a little better. I only ask because I know two people IRL that found out about affairs their spouses had & immediately kicked them out. Both have stated over & over that they regret they did that & wished they had at least attempted to work it out.

 

IAP, you go girl!!! U understand the situation very well. ANd that is exactlly what I tried to come acroos thru them when I said they were bitter. They sound bitter in the way that they look at MY situation. They are comparing it to THEIR situation. And what I told them before that "we love each other in a way, THEY WILL NEVER KNOW" because they will never know and understand why or how my husband can love me and stay with me after what I did.... I don't even understand, but he has and that alone makes me love him and respect him more and more.

 

Yeah the first 2 weeks and more were the roughest.... so BISH, I don't know what kind of LOVE you had for your ExW because you gave up after 2 weeks because u were angry and since u never got any explanation or questions answered, you stayed at that angry stage that made u bitter. Or maybe you just didn't love her enough to give her a chance to hear her out... cause besides... usually affairs start from home.... which it is none of my business but BISH, if you really need some advice and guidance... open up a POST and I will be glad to give you my support and advice.!!!

[EnigmasMuse]

To the OP, I'm happy for you that you chose to stay and try to work on the marriage. Just as I am happy for those who chose to get out of their marraige because they felt it wasn't a workable situation for them. No one should have to feel miserable.

 

I think people have to do what works best for them and their relationship. In my case, I chose to get out of my marriage, it wasn't just about him cheating though it went deeper than that. There was alot more issues there, that I felt I could not deal with. Am I bitter for my choice? No not one bit. It doesn't mean I wasn't hurt or mad to begin with, but that was years ago, and since then things have gotten much easier.

 

Some people are NOT bitter because they were/are a BS. Some are.

 

Some are also bitter because they stayed and didn't know how to get out too, and realized it wasn't what they thought it would be by staying after all. I have seen both ends before.

 

Good luck to you.

[dazed.1]

OP, I think it is great that you have such a positive outlook on the situation, that is how you should look at it. But I also think you have to consider other possibilities too, and that is what others are trying to get across to you, which may seem like attacks but I think they want to you see more than what is directly infront of you (as in the way your perceive your H to be feeling).

 

I have never been a BS, WS or OW, but I imagine my own R in a similar situation.

 

You see your H as being strong for staying and trying to work on the M, have you ever considered that maybe he is being very weak? That your A has stripped him of his dignity, and he now finds himself holding on for whatever scraps he can get? I just picture it being this way for HIM: his wife cheated because he didn't do enough for her, he is so totally hurt and devastated not only for the humiliation that is W cheated, but for the possibility that all he has ever known may be gone. He is afraid of losing his marriage/family and the one woman he has been with for over half his life, he is so scared that this may happen again that he is ACTING like something else, something he imagines YOU want, something he preceives will keep you from another A. What if he is going through the motions because he is so afraid that next time you might actually leave? Do you want him to live like that? Some of the stongest people have fears that are greater than they are, and maybe losing you and the life you built together (regardless of the pain he is experiencing), is so strong that he is putting himself aside. And if that is the case (which I can only speculate), it will not last forever.

 

There is only so long a person can pretend they are OK, you have to address the A and his feelings head on (which to me it doesn't seem like you have done). I think serious MC is the only way to get through this. Get a new therapist if the last one made you two upset. If you two are really going to make this work, it is going to have to be for something other than fear of losing all that once was.

 

Good luck to you and your H

[bish]

Bish, I am just curious (tho not trying to highjack this thread) you said you stayed for 2 weeks & then gave up because you didn't think you could move past it. Honestly, do you think if you had tried a bit longer than 2 weeks it may have ended differently?

 

Nope. 2 weeks for the fog to lift to make me realize I wouldn't see her as anything but a cheater.

 

And let me qualify my statement, 2 weeks was all it took for me to realize what she was. I still tried for another couple months to stay, but it was for the wrong reasons. I wanted to stay for my kids and thought I was willing to sacrifice my integrity and happiness for them.

 

It just only took 2 weeks to see that she is a cheater and that I would never see her as anything else. I knew living with someone and reliving what they did to me for the rest of my life was no life at all.

 

 

You left pretty early in the realization of the affair when you had to still be hurting something awful & it seems that you are still in that phase.

 

Not in that phase at all. No more hurt. I'd still be hurting if I didn't get rid of her.

 

Now that isn't to say that I can't come here and let my opinion be known of how a BS just might be seeing the affair or what they may be feeling.

 

One doesn't have to be hurting to despise people screwing over other people.

 

 

I just wonder if given more time together could the outcome had been different, or if not different could you maybe have moved on a little better.

 

No. Staying with her would have simply been me settling for someone that doesn't deserve my trust. If I had stayed with her, I'd be ok at home, but I wouldn't be that happy father my kids know.

 

 

I only ask because I know two people IRL that found out about affairs their spouses had & immediately kicked them out. Both have stated over & over that they regret they did that & wished they had at least attempted to work it out.

 

Not me. Best decision I ever made.

[LifesontheUp]

Actually he has but not in those exact words. He actually told me that he is sorry for not realizing how much he was hurting me and that this actually opened up his eyes. It will make hima better person so that he won't go back to his ways and so that I dont have reason to go out and do it again.

 

I'm not sure if you meant it to come across this way but I read from the above "if you do what I want then I won't go out and have another affair." Sounds completely selfish to me and your husband is probably very very worried that if puts a foot wrong you'll go and get it elsewhere again. What a way to live!

 

So whilst he's working on doing everything you want to make you happy what exactly are you doing for your husband?