My Affair Made OUR Marriage Great

[bish]

Actually he has but not in those exact words. He actually told me that he is sorry for not realizing how much he was hurting me and that this actually opened up his eyes. It will make hima better person so that he won't go back to his ways and so that I dont have reason to go out and do it again.

 

So basically it is emotional extortion and blackmail. "Straighten up or another man will be inside me".

 

Do you hear yourself? THIS is the problem we are highlighting that you JUST DON'T GET!!

 

This is all about you. Its all about HIM changing to stave off a cheating wife.

 

And you just said, "so that I dont have reason to go out and do it again".

 

You just now JUSTIFIED you having an affair. You had "reason" to cheat on him.

 

This is why he is a fool. You have him wrapped around your finger and he is straightening up out of fear.

 

Why don't you tell him, "go back to your old ways, and you'll find another man inside me in no time" and see if he feels the same way.

This post of yours right here shows me that you can't EVER guarantee you won't cheat again.

 

Your husband doesn't deserve this to be held over his head.

[bish]

IAP, you go girl!!! U understand the situation very well. ANd that is exactlly what I tried to come acroos thru them when I said they were bitter. They sound bitter in the way that they look at MY situation. They are comparing it to THEIR situation. And what I told them before that "we love each other in a way, THEY WILL NEVER KNOW" because they will never know and understand why or how my husband can love me and stay with me after what I did

 

And the fact that you already told this forum that you had reason to do what you did and would do it again if he doesn't change 100% to your expectations is a love "we will never know"

 

I hope I don't experience love like that....cuz it aint love in any sense of the word. "straighten up, or I will have cause to cheat again"....ya, thats love alright:confused:

[LifesontheUp]

I only ask because I know two people IRL that found out about affairs their spouses had & immediately kicked them out. Both have stated over & over that they regret they did that & wished they had at least attempted to work it out.

 

Make that another that kicked xH out day after I found out. Never took him back despite him begging me too. Best thing I ever did too No regrets at all.

[bish]

Or maybe you just didn't love her enough to give her a chance

 

Why did she deserve a chance? What is it about cheaters that think someone who dumps them didn't love them, but that someone who cheats can still love their victim?

 

 

to hear her out... cause besides... usually affairs start from home.... which it is none of my business but BISH, if you really need some advice and guidance... open up a POST and I will be glad to give you my support and advice.!!!

 

With an attitude like, "do what I want or I can/will cheat again", you are in no way qualified to give a BS advice.

[bish]

I'm not sure if you meant it to come across this way but I read from the above "if you do what I want then I won't go out and have another affair." Sounds completely selfish to me and your husband is probably very very worried that if puts a foot wrong you'll go and get it elsewhere again. What a way to live!

 

BINGO!!!!!

 

This is the part she seems to just want to gloss over.

[porter218]

IAP, you go girl!!! U understand the situation very well. ANd that is exactlly what I tried to come acroos thru them when I said they were bitter. They sound bitter in the way that they look at MY situation. They are comparing it to THEIR situation. And what I told them before that "we love each other in a way, THEY WILL NEVER KNOW" because they will never know and understand why or how my husband can love me and stay with me after what I did.... I don't even understand, but he has and that alone makes me love him and respect him more and more.

 

Yeah the first 2 weeks and more were the roughest.... so BISH, I don't know what kind of LOVE you had for your ExW because you gave up after 2 weeks because u were angry and since u never got any explanation or questions answered, you stayed at that angry stage that made u bitter. Or maybe you just didn't love her enough to give her a chance to hear her out... cause besides... usually affairs start from home.... which it is none of my business but BISH, if you really need some advice and guidance... open up a POST and I will be glad to give you my support and advice.!!!

See MVPV, You are really missing the point. You have failed to address if your H is feeling happier with you after the A. You are claiming your M has benefited from your A, but every other statement you make is simply about you being happier with him and not him being happier with you. I can't be lumped into the category of bish and everyone else because I did choose to stay in my M. I have chosen to stick it out and I am not bitter. My M is doing pretty good, but my H does not share the same mindset as you...he read your post and was horrified by how selfish you sound. He knows that the A hurt our M and has left me in pieces...and all he wishes he could do was to undo it....not be proud of doing it. You seem outrageously focused on how much harder he has worked on making you happier but that is not how it should be, and means that he is in a 'fog' still. His actions sound more like someone who is terrified of losing his wife and very unhappy. His actions do not sound like that of someone who has become ore satisfied with their M. Stop being so thick headed and listen to what I have to say for a second..please...unless you don't care about losing your H down the road.

[MiVatoPorVida]

I'm not sure if you meant it to come across this way but I read from the above "if you do what I want then I won't go out and have another affair." Sounds completely selfish to me and your husband is probably very very worried that if puts a foot wrong you'll go and get it elsewhere again. What a way to live!

 

So whilst he's working on doing everything you want to make you happy what exactly are you doing for your husband?

 

Nope you read it wrong..... He said this to me. "It will make him a better person so that he won't go back to his ways and so that I dont have reason to go out and do it again. (so that I don't have a reason to do something like that again) And after he made that statement, I assured him and still assure him that I will never do nothing like that to him again. He is working hard on making things right for us.... I have always done everything I was supposed to do in this marriage... cook, clean, kids, wife, laundry, work...etc. He was the one that never aprreciated, nor treated me the way a wife is spposed to be treated. ANd I still do everything I am supposed to as a wife.

[blair08]

Nope you read it wrong..... He said this to me. "It will make him a better person so that he won't go back to his ways and so that I dont have reason to go out and do it again. (so that I don't have a reason to do something like that again) And after he made that statement, I assured him and still assure him that I will never do nothing like that to him again. He is working hard on making things right for us.... I have always done everything I was supposed to do in this marriage... cook, clean, kids, wife, laundry, work...etc. He was the one that never aprreciated, nor treated me the way a wife is spposed to be treated. ANd I still do everything I am supposed to as a wife.

 

 

I see alot of blaming things on him. Even you said yourself, "I have always done everything I was supposed to do in this marriage."

 

Its kind of like it ALL falls on him to make or break the marriage. I thought it took two, maybe I was mistaken.

 

But hey, since it was ALL his fault this took place anyway, and since you did everything you were supposed to, I hope he busts his a$$ every day, and I mean works hard real hard to make things right with you so you will NOT go out and do this again. But remember, if he is busting his a$$ to hold on to you and make things right and do what he should have done to begin with, make sure you bust yours as well, to make sure he doesn't go out and do the same thing to you.

 

I have a feeling your statement in bold, will open up a new can of worms.

[bish]

Nope you read it wrong..... He said this to me. "It will make him a better person so that he won't go back to his ways and so that I dont have reason to go out and do it again. (so that I don't have a reason to do something like that again)

 

So he was the one basically cow towing and saying that he won't give you a reason to go elsewhere again?

 

Well then, if thats the case, congratulations, you have beaten him down into being submissive and you have him wrapped around your little finger.

 

I stand corrected, your affair was a very wonderful thing for the end result.....getting him to act the way you want him to act.

 

he better do everything just right from here on out.

 

 

And after he made that statement, I assured him and still assure him that I will never do nothing like that to him again.

 

 

And if he slips back into being comfortable in the marriage just like the atmosphere you say led you to cheat....then what?

 

 

He is working hard on making things right for us.... I have always done everything I was supposed to do in this marriage... cook, clean, kids, wife, laundry, work...etc. He was the one that never aprreciated, nor treated me the way a wife is spposed to be treated. ANd I still do everything I am supposed to as a wife.

 

Oh brother. So you were sooooo perfect and didn't do a thing wrong eh? I guess I never looked at a cheater as an ideal, perfect wife.

 

You have a sense of entitlement. "Behave the way I want or suffer the consequences". Hey, I guess it worked. You got what YOU wanted. A brow beaten husband that will cower at your every demand out of fear you will go get more on the side.

[In Like Flynn]

Yep she sure showed him who's boss!!!

[LoyalGirl]

What if he does go back to his old ways? Will you be tempted to stray again? It's great that you are reconciling, but what did YOU learn as a result of this experience? What did you learn about yourself?

[couchmonkey]

OP, look at this statement because it is what most of us are trying to call your attention to:

 

You have a sense of entitlement. "Behave the way I want or suffer the consequences". Hey, I guess it worked. You got what YOU wanted. A brow beaten husband that will cower at your every demand out of fear you will go get more on the side.

 

The paradigm you have set for a "Great Marriage" is completely selfish. You are stating that:

 

"My Affair Made My Husband Behave The Way I Want Him To"

=

"My Affair Made OUR Marriage Great"

That equation does not provide enough evidence to be true.

You also quoted your husband as saying:

 

"he is sorry for not realizing how much he was hurting me and that this actually opened up his eyes. It will make him a better person so that he won't go back to his ways and so that I dont have reason to go out and do it again."

 

This is very telling of your husband's actual feelings on the matter. He is taking preventative steps most likely out of fear. You have BULLIED him.

 

Lets build a more balanced equation for a "Great Marriage":

 

"Wife is Happy/Happier in Marriage"

+

"Husband is Happy/Happier in Marriage"

=

"OUR Marriage Great"

 

It is obvious that YOU are happier in the marriage post-affair. "I am Happy/Happier with my husband since my affair".

 

What about your husband? Is he happier in the marriage post-affair or is he scared or troubled as his quote implies?

 

So far you have shown that YOUR Marriage is Great but it doesn't even seem to cross your mind whether or not HIS Marriage is Great.

 

All that seems to concern you is that his behavior conforms to your needs. Become more aware.

[porter218]

Wow..she is a trip:lmao:.

 

Well lets just hope for your sake your H doesn't read this thread. Gosh..how hurt-full that could be to see the inside workings of your selfish brain.

[couchmonkey]

Wow..she is a trip:lmao:.

 

Well lets just hope for your sake your H doesn't read this thread. Gosh..how hurt-full that could be to see the inside workings of your selfish brain.

 

Actually, I think she should show this thread to her husband and discuss it. Sharing and open communication are traits of a "Great Marriage". Perhaps it would give THEM the opportunity to trade incite on THEIR feelings about the "Greatness of THEIR Marriages".

[porter218]

Actually, I think she should show this thread to her husband and discuss it. Sharing and open communication are traits of a "Great Marriage". Perhaps it would give THEM the opportunity to trade incite on THEIR feelings about the "Greatness of THEIR Marriages".

LMAO:lmao:

[imagine]

I truly think that many people are missing the point of this thread.

 

The title is misleading. Surely it is evident that the lady is trying to help build marriages that are in the apparent doldrums such as was her own.

 

She is NOT advocating infidelity.

 

The responses here make me wonder whether the LISTEN muscle is not fully operational. Possibly this malady is the root cause for us ending up at this forum. I know that I am often guilty of this fault.

[InaPanic]

Bish, thanks for answering my questions. Appreciate your honesty.

 

I just don't understand the harsh treatment on this lady. Some of you actually seem to be enjoying taunting her. This is not the first time I've heard of someone having an affair due mistreatment or neglect in a marriage yet some of you act like it's the first time you have heard that reason. I imagine this may be the biggest reasons for affairs by either spouse. This is not a rare incident folks.

 

Obviously there is no reason that makes an affair right, I think that's been stated by her, but there is always something that leads up to it. And why do you presume he is this doormat because he's seen the err in his ways? Maybe it's just the old 'wake up call'; people get these in all aspects of their lives, not just over affairs, & it doesn't make them a doormat. Hopefully she also got her wakeup call as well, she seems to have to me.

 

Ya know, you all could be right & you all have valid points. But at least be open to the OTHER side of the possibilities as well. No one should presume they know exactly how anyones situation on this board is or how it will turn out because they simply do not.

[PandorasBox]

I could see how some people's words might come across as harsh. I also think maybe those who preceive it to be harsh is where alot of people think a person is bitter. However, that's not always the case. I will say that bish for example, might sometimes come across harsh, but I also think alot of times he is dead on with what he says too. JMO though.

[couchmonkey]

I truly think that many people are missing the point of this thread.

 

The title is misleading. Surely it is evident that the lady is trying to help build marriages that are in the apparent doldrums such as was her own.

 

She is NOT advocating infidelity.

 

The responses here make me wonder whether the LISTEN muscle is not fully operational. Possibly this malady is the root cause for us ending up at this forum. I know that I am often guilty of this fault.

 

The title serves as the Thesis of her argument. It sets the tone of her posts. She claims to feel pangs of guilt when she observes her husband's misery but this is justified by the fact he changed to accommodate her. She has made it clear that she sees the affair as a solution, a positive step. In her first post she even went as far to say that:

 

"...I understand that he must hate me for what I did... but if he wants to stay with me then we need to start moving forward and make things right, but if he thinks he cant be with me no more, or feels that he can never trust me again or hates me for what I did, then we need to stop now and go our seperate ways..."

 

I don't know. Maybe its just her style of writing but it appears as though she is in a hurry for him to get over it. If he can't do that(I imagine within her time frame) then she will move on. This is a very real threat.

 

Her process appears a little like this:

 

1. Husband ignores her

2. (Positive Step 1) Has affair

3. (Result) Husband becomes compliant with her but is unhappy=Great Marriage

4. (Positive Step 2) Husband gets over it

5. (Result) Husband gets to stay in their Great Marriage

 

Right now she seems to be waiting between step 3 and 4. I'm not sure she realizes how difficult it would be to move on to the second positive step. It appears that she takes for granted that she has redefined her relationship in some negative ways when she had her affair. For her the positive out way the negative and her "remorse" comes off as pillow talk.

[porter218]

I truly think that many people are missing the point of this thread.

 

The title is misleading. Surely it is evident that the lady is trying to help build marriages that are in the apparent doldrums such as was her own.

 

She is NOT advocating infidelity.

 

The responses here make me wonder whether the LISTEN muscle is not fully operational. Possibly this malady is the root cause for us ending up at this forum. I know that I am often guilty of this fault.

Oh I surely am listening. I have carefully read all of her posts. I am not trying to sound harsh, I just simply want her to see she needs to do some work to make her husband happy too. I have never heard someone sound so self centered in my life...she is just so focused on her happiness and the fact that her H is working so hard to keep her from cheating again..but fails to mention what she has improved in her own behavior. She has allowed all blame to rest on her Hs shoulders. If you don't see that then you have paid much attention to what she has been saying here. Like I said before my H who has had As as well has read this post and was outraged by her mindset. People who have been on any side of an A should be able to see that her views are seriously flawed and self centered. I think she needs to invest a lot of time in both MC and IC.

[bish]

I truly think that many people are missing the point of this thread.

 

The title is misleading. Surely it is evident that the lady is trying to help build marriages that are in the apparent doldrums such as was her own.

 

She is NOT advocating infidelity.

 

Maybe not directly, but her entire attitude is what wonders it has done for HER. Read on. She claims to be perfect wife in the marriage and this is ALL her husbands fault.

 

The title may not be misleading, but when combined with her attitude, there is nothing misleading about it. She wants HIM to make all the effort in making the marriage great. She doesn't have to do anything. Remember, she was "perfect" as far as wives go...I guess you can be a perfect wife and still cheat.

 

Her attitude is either HE changes, or HE will suffer the consequences.

 

I don't disagree that he needs to change, but she is now a cheater. She has to earn HIS trust back. But she puts this all on him.

[MiVatoPorVida]

oK oK..... I UNDERSTAND THAT EVERYONE IS GOING TO HAVE THIER THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS ON THIS MATTER. WELL, ISN'T THAT THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS FORUM? I SINCE I WAS "SO BUSY ENJOYING MY LIFE AND WEEKEND WITH MY HUSBAND"... I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO CHECK ON MY REPLIES.... LOOK, THE REASON I LEFT A POST HERE TO BEGIN WITH WAS NOT TO JUSTIFY THAT AN AFFAIR IS RIGHT, BUT TO CLARIFY THAT HAVING AND AFFAIR IS NOT THE ANSWER TO A FAILING MARRIAGE. AFTER, 14 YRS OF ABUSE, NEGLECT, CONTROLING.... I GAVE UP IN MY MARRIAGE.... AND THE MORE I DEALT WITH IT, THE MORE I SAW NO REPAIR TO THIS MARRIAGE. i AM NOT SAYING I WAS A PERFECT WIFE... I MEAN WHO IS? BUT I DID EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO BE THE PERFECT WIFE.... AT LEAST I THOUGHT I WAS. HONESTLY MEN, WHO CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT THEIR WIVES COOK EVERYDAY FOR THEM, HOT HOME COOKED MEALS, AND DOES THE LAUNDRY FOR THEM, AND MAKE SURE THEIR HOME IS SPOTLESS EVERYDAY, AND RAISES A CHILD, AND RUNS ALL THE ERRANDS (IE... GROCERY SHOPPING, PAYING OF BILLS, PHONE CALLS, ETC...) AND STILL WORKS A 9-5.... AND DOES ALL THIS WITH NO COMPLAINTS. i DON'T EXPECT MY HUSBAND TO HELP ME COOK, OR CLEAN OR DO LAUNDRY, BUT WHEN HE DOES, I APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH. MY MOTHER, THE WOMAN THAT TOUGHT ME TO LOVE, RESPECT AND DO EVERYTHING FOR YOUR MAN... EVEN WORRIES THAT i AM STILL UP AT 11PM EVERY NIGTH BARELY COOKING FOR DINNER FOR THE NEXT DAY. oH YEAH, DID i FORGET TO MENTION THAT MY HUSBAND WORKS NIGHTS, SO i HAVE TO COOK THE NIGHT BEFORE SO THAT MY HUSBAND CAN GO TO WORK WITH A FULL STOMACH. so BASICALLY, WHEN I GET HOME FROM WORK AT 5:30, i HAVE TO WARM UP THE FOOD I COOKED THE NIGHT BEFORE AND MAKE HIS LUNCH SO THAT HE CAN LEAVE AT 6PM... ONCE HE LEAVES, I WASH THE DISHES, CLEAN UP HOUSE, HELP DAUGHTER WITH HOMEWORK OR SPEND TIME WITH HER.... DO ANY CHORES THAT MY HUSBAND LEFT FOR ME FROM HIS LIST, PUT DAUGHTER TO SLEEP, SO ABOUT 11PM OR AFTER, I AM BARELY COOKING THE NEXT DAYS DINNER, GET UP AT 6 AM AND START MY DAY ALL OVER AGAIN. HOW U LIKE THEM APPLES? AND I DON'T COMPLAIN.... I LOVE COOKING,, I LOVE LIVING IN A CLEAN HOME. tHESE ARE THINGS THAT i HAVE TO DO.

 

lET'S SEE WHERE DO i BEGIN..... MY MARRIAGE FAILING. yES, I LOVE MY HUSBAND DEARLY, I ALWAYS HAVE, EVER SINCE i WAS 15 WHEN i MET HIM, I NEW THAT HE WAS THE ONE THAT I WAS GOING TO BE WITH AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH. THINGS STARTED OUT PERFECT IN MY EYES, HE WINED ME AND DINED ME, AND TOOK ME OUT EVERYWHERE, AND KISSE DME AND HUGGED ME AND PROMISED HE WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. WHEN I WAS 16-17, HE TOLD ME HE WAS COMING TO GET ME TO TAKE ME HOME WITH HIM... HE DID, HE PICKED ME UP IN HIS DAD'S MINIVAN, LIKE AT 10 PM HONKED THE HORN, AND BLASTED THE RADIO TO OUR SONG. EVEN THE NEIGHBORS HAD TO YELL OUT "SHUT UP". WE JUST LAUGHED... AND I CAME DOWN GOT IN THE CAR AND LEFT WITH MY FUTURE HUSBAND. ROMANTIC HUH? WELL.... THINGS WERE ROMANTIC FOR A FEW WEEKS.... THEN THE ACTION BEGAN, THINS BEGAN TO CHANGE, BUT I WAS SO YOUNG AND NAIVE... I FIGURED HE WAS THE WAY HE WAS CUZ HE LOVED ME.

 

I HAVE BEEN THRU IT ALL WITH THIS MAN.... BUT YET I STAYED CUZ I LOVED HIM. HE WOULD PICK ME UP FROM WORK ON FRIDAY NIGHTS, HE WOULD TAKE ME OUT TO EAT, WE'LL GO HOME, AND WHEN I WOULD TURN AROUND HE'LL BE GONE. i WOULD STAY IN AND CRY CUZ HE WONT COME BACK TILL 5 IN THE MORNING, SAME THING SATURDAY NIGHT. COULD I GO OUT WITH FRIENDS... NO. I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS I HAD CUZ I COULD NO LONGER COMMUNICATE WITH THEM. hE WAS VERY CONTROLLING, VERBALLY ABUSIVE..... I COULDN'T BUY THINGS WITHOUT HIM BEING THERE AND IF I DID BUY SOMETHING, IT HAD TO GO BACK. MY CHECK WOULD BE PUT TOGETHER WITH HIS AND I WOULD GET AN ALLOWANCE THAT WILL TAKE ME TO AND FROM WORK... SO I WOULD GET 20 BUCKS A WEEK. I COULDNT GO NO WHERE WITHOUT HIM..... MOST OF IT STOPPED WHEN WE GOT PREGNANT. WHEN I GOT PREGNANT AT AGE 20, IT WAS THE HAPPIEST TIMES IN OUR LIVES,CUZ WE HAD BEEN TRYING FOR 3 YRS... YET, HE NEVER WENT TO A DOCTOR APPOINT. WITH ME, HE NEVER WENT TO AN ULTRASOUND. HIS EXCUSE WAS THAT HE WAS SCARED THEY MIGHT TELL HIM THEY MADE A MISTAKE, BUT I WOULD HAVE LOVED FOR HIM TO BE THERE AND ALTHOUGH I TOLD HIM THIS HE STILL NEVER WENT. .... WELL BY THE TIME I WAS 8 MONTHS PREGNANT, HE TRIED TO SNEAK OUT ON ME AGAIN... I ACTUALLY OVER HEARD HIM CONTACTING AN OLD FLING AND WAS MAKING A PLAN TO GO SEE HER THAT NIGHT... BUT NO, I WAS CRAZY, I WAS HEARING THINGS, CUZ FROM WHAT HE SAID, IT WAS HIS COUSIN AND HE WAS GOING TO WATCH SOME MOVIES AT HIS HOUSE. WHEN I TOLD HIM EXACTLY WHAT I HEARD, AND FOR HIM TO GO F*** HIMSELF AND HAVE A GOOD F*** AND PRACTICALLY FOUGHT WITH ME TO GET THE KEYS CUZ I HAD HIDDEN THEM, HE ENDED UP NOT GOING THAT NIGHT BUT IT STILL HURT THE HELL OUT OF ME AND STILL I FELT BETRAYED.

ONCE WE GOT OUR OWN HOME I FIGURED THINGS WOULD GET BETTER... THEY DID AS FAR AS HIM NOT GOING OUT NO MORE, AND HIM TAKING MORE RESPONSIBILITY, BUT THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE WAS STILL THERE. IF HE WAS FINE AND HAPPY, HE LET ME HUG HIM AND SIT ON THE COUCH WITH HIM AND WATCH MOVIES TOGETHER.... BUT IF HE WAS TIRED AND STRESSED, IT WOULD TURN INTO GRUMPINESS AND FORGET ABOUT GETTING NEXT TO HIM, HE WOULD TELL ME TO GO SIT ON THE OTHER COUCH, OR JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE. iF WE WERE OUT AND HE WOULD GET ANGRY AT SOMETHING, HE WILL LEAVE MY ASS AT THE STORE AND I'D HAVE TO TAKE A BUS. iF HE WAS MAD, i WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO CONVERSATE WITH MY HUSBAND... HE NEVER LISTENED TO WHAT I HAD TO SAY, IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT HIM. IF HE WAS TALKING I WOULD HAVE TO LISTEN... BUT IF I STARTED TALKING ABOUT MY DAY, "HE DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR IT". THERE IS ALOT MORE, BUT I WOULD BE HERE ALL DAY TALKING ABOUT IT. BOTTOM LINE IS THAT OUR MARRIAGE IN MY EYES WAS FAILING. i FINALLY GAVE UP, I STARTED BECOMING DEPRESSED , ANGRY, UPSET... FOUND MYSELF CRYING EVERYNIGHT FOR HIS ATTENTION. WHILE HE WAS HOME, I WOULD JUST FEEL TENSE AND STRESSED, BUT THE MINUTE HE WOULD LEAVE, THE TENSION WOULD DISAPPEAR, I COULD LAUGH WHEN HE WASN'T THERE. i WOULD TELL HIM HOW i WAS FEELING AND HIS WORDS... "HE DONT WANT TO HEAR IT, DO WHAT U WANT TO DO". soMETIMES HE WOULD SAY, HERE WE GO AND WHEN i WOULD TELL HIM WHY I WAS FEELING LIKE THIS BECAUSE HOW HE HAS BEEN WITH ME... "WHY DO U BRING UP THE PAST". so I WOULD CLEARLY TELL HIM " I DIDNT WAKE UP ONE DAY AND DECIDE I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU, BECASUE OF WHAT U DID AND THE WAY U WERE THEN AND NOW IS WHAT BROUGHT ME TO FEEL LIKE THIS". WE NEED HELP I WOULD TELL HIM.... HE DIDNT SEE IT THAT WAY. HE FIGURED I WAS NUTS. AND THEN WHEN HE WOULD SAY HE WILL KILL ME IF I LEFT HIM, THAT MADE IT EVEN HARDER.

 

SO YES, I GAVE UP ON MY MARRIAGE, I FINALLY STARTED LOOKING INTO A DIVORCE... I CONTACTED AN ATTORNEY, I EVEN GOT A BOOK ON DIVORCING MYSELF. IN THE MEANTIME I MET THE OM AND THINGS HAPPENED SO QUICKLY WITH THE OM. I WASN'T IN LOPVE WITH THE OM, IT WAS MORE LIKE AN OPENING OF MY MIND WITH HIM, A WAY TO VENT, THINGS JUST GOT OUT OG HAND. I FINALLY DECIDED TO TALK TO MY HUSBAND ONE MORE TIME AND IF WE DID NOT GET RESOLUTION, THEN I WAS DONE, I WAS LEAVING. I TOLD HIM ONCE MORE... HE SAID "HERE WE GO AGAIN", I TOLD HIM I WAS DONE, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE... AND HIS WORDS "DO WHAT U WANT"... I TOLD HIM I WANTED A DIVORCE. hE RESPONDED AFTER A WHILE "IS THAT WHAT U REALLY WANT"? i SAID IF WE CANT FIX THIS. "HE SAID, "THATS FINE, TAKE WHAT U WANT, I JUST WANT TO KEEP THE HOUSE ANMD HE IS GOING TO CHARGE ME RENT FROM ALL THEM YEARS I WAS LIVING THERE"... LOL... I WAS SHOCKED AT HIS RESPONSE... SO I TOLD HIM "THAT'S FINE, YOU CAN DEDUCT IT FROM THE AMOUNT YOU PAY ME FOR PLAYING HOUSEKEEPER ALL THEM YEARS. WE LEFT IT AT THAT. I FIGURED TRULY IN MY HEART HE DIDNT CARE. THAT FRIDAY I WENT OUT WITH THE OM, I LEFT CUZ I HAD REGRETS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WHOLE THING...CUZ I WANTED TO GO HOME TO MY HUSABND AND TRY TO SEE WHERE WE WENT WRONG.

 

I CAME HOME MY HSUABDN APPROACHED ME AND WE STARTED TALKING AND HE TOLD ME HE WAS SORRY.... (IN MY MIND I WAS KIND OF LIKE, IT'S TOO LATE)., AND HE LOVES ME AND HE WANTS TO MAKE IT WORK AND DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE ME.

 

ON SUNDAY HE FOUND A PIC/TEXT ON MY PHONE OF THE OM. THAT IS WHEN EVERYTHING BEGAN.... HE CONFRONTED ME.... I COULD HAVE LIED AND SAID NOTHING, BUT I WANTED TO COM CLEAN WITH HIM... BESIDES, THE DAMAGE WAS DONE... TO ME AS WELL.

 

HIS REACTION WAS OF A TYPICAL BS... HOLES IN THE WALLS, NAME CALLING, CRRING AND YELLING.... IT IS THEN I REALIZED MY H DOES REALLY LOVE ME AND HOW MUCH I HURT HIM. FROM THE MOMENT HE FOUND OUT, HE DECIDED TO FORGIVE ME... ALTHOUGH AT TIMES I FELT AS IF I LOST HIM OVER AND OVER AGAIN... EACH TIME WE I WOULD FIGHT FOR HIS LOVE HARDER AND HARDER. WHEN I SAY THAT HE DOES EVERYTHING FOR ME TO MAKE ME HAPPIER... YES, THE THINGS HE DIDNT DO BEFORE HE DOES NOW. hE TALKS TO ME, HE SPENDS TIME WITH ME AND OUR DAUGHTER, HE HUGS ME AND JKISSED ME, AND TELLS ME I'M BEAUTIFUL, THIS MORNING HE CAME HOME JUMPED ON THE BED WITH ME AND HELD ME AND TOLD ME HE LOVES ME. anD YES TO ME IT FEELS SO GREAT..... IN RETURN I AM THE WIFE I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN, I STILL DO MY WIFE CHORES, AND I TAKE CARE OF MY MAN AND FAMILY, WE COMMUNICATE MORE, I TELL HIM I LOVE HIM, AND NEED HIM, AND HOW GORGEOUS HE LOOKS. i FOCUS ALL MY ATTENTION TO HIM.

 

LLOYAL GIRL ASKS ME IF HE GOES BACK TO HIS OLD WAYS WILL I STRAY???? I WOULD NEVER STRAY AGAIN. IN 14 YRS I NEVER DID.... THE OM CAUGHT ME IN A TIME OF DESPAIR AND TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY SITUATION. I WAS VULNERABLE... BUT THIS EXPERIENCE HAS MADE ME COME TO RESPECT AND UNDERSTAND MY HUSBAND MORE AND MADE ME REALIZE HOW MUCH I DO LOVE HIM AND HE LOVES ME FOR ACTUALLY WANTING TO STICK WITH ME AND MAKE THINGS WORK. HE DIDN'T GIVE UP ON ME. I NEVER WANT TO SEE MY HUSBAND GO THRU THAT PAIN EVER AGAIN.

iF HE DOES GO BACK TO HIS OLD WAYS... I WILL ONCE AGAIN TRY AND TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT AND FIX THE PROBLEMS AND IF THINGS ARE NOT GOING TO WORK, THEN I WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND FILE FOR DIVORCE. AND IT IS NOT ABOUT "DO WHAT I SAY OR IM LEAVING", IF THERE IS NO HAPPINESS, THEN YOU FIND IT. AND HONESTLY I NEED TO BE HAPPY AND SO DOES HE. SO IF HE WAKES UP ONE DAY AND DECIDES THAT HE CAN'T BE WITH ME BECAUSE OF WHAT I DID.... THEN I WILL HAVE TO RESPECT AND UNDERSTAND HIS DECISION AND I WILL HAVE TO GO AS WELL. IT GOES BOTH WAYS.

 

YOU SEE, NOT EVERY ONE CAN BE A CHEATER, I AGREE. I DONT KNOW HOW STRONG I AM IF I WAS IN THAT SITUATION..... I KNOW IT HURT ME WHEN I CAUGHT HIM ON THE PHONE THAT ONE TIME, BUT YEARS HAVE GONE BY AND I LEARNED TO PUT IT BEHIND ME. IF MY H MADE A DECISION TO FORGIVE ME AND MAKE THINGS RIGHT ... WE BOTH ARE PUTTING EVERY EFFORT TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT WITH US, WE ARE SEEING WHERE WE WENT WRONG BEFORE AND FIXING IT. I KNOW MY H IS STILL UPSET ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AND I AM TOO.... ALL I CAN DO IS ASSURE HIM THAT I WILL NEVER DO NOTHING LIKE THAT TO HIM AGAIN. WHETHER HE BELEIVESME RIGHT NOW, OF COURSE NOT, HE DOESN'T COMPLETELY TRUST ME, AND IT WIL TAKE TIME BEFORE HE DOES, BUT ALL I CAN DO IS TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

 

YES THIS AFFAIR (n: something that concerns or involves one personally) MADE OUR MARRIAGE GREAT.... I DON'T NEED TO REPHRASE THAT... CUZ IT IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN. Well maybe I should say better than it was prior to the affair.

 

WELL, I AM JUST THANKFULL THAT HE DID FIND IT IN HIS HEART TO FORGIVE ME AND GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE. AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

[Triarge]

I feel for you because I know what it is that your trying to say but I also know how a lot of people are reading it too. The title of the post will antagonise allot of people right from the off. I mean, from their point of view why should you commit such a terrible crime and come out of it scot free with a better marriage?

 

Most people will have opinions based on what they have learned in the past, based on their own individual circumstance. Their advice is based on that and its not necessarily applicable to you and your situation with your husband.

 

You need to work out what it is that 'you' have learned and more importantly how you can apply it to your continued relationship with your husband. Your husband has learned and has changed his attitude towards your marriage. What have you learned and what have you changed? I think that's what a lot of people aren't hearing from you.

 

To the extreme it looks like your saying "I tortured my husband into making my marriage better". I know that's not the page your working from but it can be interpreted that way.

 

I have had similar feelings and thoughts to your post. Why? Because I 'know' that my 'relationship' is far, far better than it was before the A. What's not the same and may never will be is the marriage. I don't know what demons my wife fights with probably every day. I don't know for certain what she thinks when she looks at me. That cloud will hang over me for a long time.

 

My wife has not changed one bit; she never needed to. It was me that needed to change and after applying what I learned I hope that I have enough to 'offset' the damage I have done. I cant ever take it back unfortunately, its a done thing. I'm hoping though that I can make her happy enough so that she doesn't regret the day that she stayed and didn't kick me out.

 

My advice to you is to read some books. "His needs, her needs" is one of them. Seek councelling even if you do think things are good with your H. Dont assume its going to be plain sailing because in recovery time its very early days. Your husband will need a long time to recover and their maybe some nasty surprises down the line if your not carefull enough to address the issues you have.

 

Good luck!

[GreenX]

From the very beginning your relationship with him has been rocky. You said yourself a few weeks after you left with him you noticed his change in attitude but you just brushed it off as 'love'. Not sure what kind of love that is but I personally wouldn't want any part of it.

 

So, he told you that if you were going to leave that he'd kill you.. those are nice words to hear and the fact that you still stayed shows how much you love yourself. Which brings me to my next point: How can you love anyone else when you don't even love yourself? To stay with someone who treats you with such disrespect and you allowed it to continue proves you don't even care about yourself, so again, how can you even love him and not yourself?

 

Through everything you posted about how horrible he was to you.. you kept going back to 'but I loved him' - You never mentioned any of the good he did for you in the past. Has he ever done anything good for you in the past or has everything been so chaotic? Again, why'd you stay?

 

So now, after the A (of which, I'm surprised you even had time for one or were able to talk to OM seeing that he controlled you so well that you couldn't even have friends) everything now is all better. He is back to how he was back when you first go together. You said you put his 'phone call' in the past so he should be able to put your A in the past.. a phone call and you going out and doing what you did are two entirely different things.

 

THE OM CAUGHT ME IN A TIME OF DESPAIR AND TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY SITUATION. I WAS VULNERABLE...

How dare he!! Oh wait.. you were there too.

[MiVatoPorVida]

I knew I was going to open up a new can of worms with that one....

 

It was very rocky a majority of the time... but like I said, I was yound and in love. I grew up with no dad.... so when this guy came into my life and said he would take care of me, heck, went for it. As I said, I do and always have loved my husband. Despite of his personal issues that he brought to the table because of the way he grew up.

 

That is the point, I never left him no matter what flaws he had, personal issues, emotional issues.... he just never wanted to discuss these issues with me. And that is what I meant before, we never communicated the way we should and he held back compassion.

 

The older my husband got the more mature he became.... he has always been a hard worker, he has never let us go without food or water or gas or light. He loves the finest things in life and anything I want I would get. I feel secure with my H. but before u all start saying im a GOLDDIGGER..... it's not even like that. I am a hard worker too.... it's funny because his mom always makes fun of the fact that when I came to live with him all I brought with me was a 'sak of clothes and a boombox radio'. I laught with her but then i say yeah, I didn't have anything, but your son didn't have anything either. What we do have, it's because we got TOGETHER. That shuts her up.... So material things dont make the way i feel about my H.

 

OK, well, "What did I learn from this experience/A? I learned that I was wrong for what I did. I learned that my H does really love me and that machismo role he was always playing was actually an act when it came to his wife. I am not proud of the affair, nor am I proud of the decision I made to have the A.... that was the most awful thing I have ever done, and especially to my H of 14 years. I learned that communication and compassion is the key to a lasting relationship. You need to be able to tell your W/H how u feel, if somthing is bothering without being scared that he/she is going to shut u out. ANd u need to keep that passion going, hug them and kiss them, tell them how georgous/beautiful they are so hat the emtions can stay at home and they don't lack that attention.

 

I don't beleive i said "he should be able to put your A in the past becaise of the"Phone call". I don't even mention the phone call.... i had forgiven him, back then and once we talked about it, then It was my decision to leave it alone. ANd no, I won't compare it to what i did. SO stop putting words in my mouth once again.

 

BOTTOM LINE and HOPEFULLY FINAL LINE: I Love my H... I love him with all of my heart. WHat I did to him, no one ever deserves. THis man loved me and trusted me with all of his heart and I just took his heart in my hand and crushed it till all the blood dripped out. ANd it hurts, it hurts me some much to know that I can never take back what I did. I don't blame him, cause i know it was my decision to have this affair. I just wish that he would have listened and told me how much he loved me when I was bringing the problems to his attention. I would have not even gave the OM and second look. But when my H wasn't there and the OM was, it made it easy for me to fall and break down. I know my marriage will never be the same for me or for my H... I honestly don't want it to go back to the way it was, because I was not happy, but I will go back in a minute if i could so that I could reverse the damage I have caused my H. I am still upset and angry for what I did.... as for my relationship with my H.... it is getting back on track. It is "BETTER", than it was before. We communicate more, we or more compassionate towrds each other, we can laugh and smile. During his phase of resentment.... he told me he couldn't live and be with me. After talking about it and not giving up, he told me, "he does love me and does want to be with me... and whatever it takes, we are going to make it work". ANd this is coming from him..... so although he is hurting inside... it was his decision to stay with me and make this marriage work. I am just doing everything I need to do, to make it work as well. I am giving him all my love and attention and giving no reason to doubt me any more. Hopefully one day, I will earn his trust again, and his complete love, until then i will fight for it.