It's about his son...

[kivabeach]

I wasn't sure whether to post this in Family or here, but i figured someone would REAM me in the family group, so here I will post.

 

Some of you may know, but to make a long story short...

 

I was involved with a married man and he left his wife for himself, and for me. We've been happily together ever since. its been about 4 years now.

 

He has a 23 year old son whom i have a hard time spending time with. Obviously it is uncomfortable and most of you can understand why. However, we seem to be civil and manange just fine when we do have to spend time together. Usually our time is brief...maybe dinner, or a quick trip to the park or something. It never usually lasts more than a few hours.

 

WELL, my man and I had plans to spend a few days out at the lakehouse next week. Then his son requested to spend some time out there as well, with his girlfriend. My man then decided we should ALL spend time there, and I'm just not comfortable with it. It would only be one full day and night, and then we'd have to go back home. Still, the reason for going to the lakehouse is to RELAX and UNWIND, however, when his son is there, I am anything but relaxed and to me, it defeats the purpose of going. Its not that his son does anything mean to me, or treats me differently, but usually his son rambles on and on and on, usually about things/people I dont know anything about. Basicallly I feel like i'm just an observer of someone elses' conversation. Nothing is directed towards me, and he never tries to engage me and I'm feeling very left out. I also think his son is a spoiled brat, and I have no respect for him since, at 23, he has never worked a day in his life (this is another story, but I had to throw it in here)

 

I know most of this is my own insecurites, but I cannot BE myself around his son. I feel bad because I was the woman (the much younger woman) who his dad left his mom for. I know if I were him, I would not like the other woman. So i dont know what to do. my man and I got in an argument over it last night. I told him to forget it....that I didn't want to go to the lake anymore if his son was going to be there. I just feel bad, and I dont know what to do or how to balance his family with US. I feel like I'm being a brat or something, but at the same time, I would be totally miserable listening to his son ramble on and on for 24 hours. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him.

 

What should I do? Help.

[fubarred]

You should suck it up and be quiet. It's his son, and they had a long life together before you were even thought of, so of course you feel left out of some conversations that revolve around THEIR past together.

 

Is he supposed to divorce his son now?

[kivabeach]

You should suck it up and be quiet. It's his son, and they had a long life together before you were even thought of, so of course you feel left out of some conversations that revolve around THEIR past together.

 

Is he supposed to divorce his son now?

 

I can't help but feel a bit of an attitude coming from you. One that i was hoping to avoid, but usually here on this particualr forum, that is difficult. You must be the woman who's hubby is having an affair I presume.

 

Did I say anything about him having to divorce his son? No, I didn't. And I dont appreciate you copping this tude with me.

 

The conversations do not revolve around their past. They revolve around his son, his son's friends, his son's girlfriend, his son's business ideas.

 

He spends plenty of time alone with his son, and I have NEVER asked him to give that up. the thing is, WE had plans first, to go to the lakehouse...then his son all of a sudden wants to go. I also didnt mention that we were going to the lake to celebrate our anniversary together. Why should his son be there for that? Say goodbye to romantical nights and any sex we may have wanted to have had.

 

Dont give me your attitude. this forum seems to be filled with bitter haters. I'm here for advice...not to be judged. Thanks.

[kivabeach]

noticed your wifey cheated on you. Is that why you are here bashing others? I'm not sure what you get out of perusing this particular forum, but may i suggest you NOT bash on others if you are going to be here?

[hotgurl]

I think you are being a little sensitive.

 

I would say go and smile and be polite. You are with this man now and his life includes his son.

 

He probably wants you and his son to know each other better you are both important people in his life.

 

Frankly one day is not that much.

 

How often does he see his son?

 

Do you try to engage his son?

[whichwayisup]

told him to forget it....that I didn't want to go to the lake anymore if his son was going to be there

 

Not the right way to handle this situation..That is threatening and like a FINE, you go then, I'm staying home - So THERE!!

 

Look, his son is HIS SON and now you're part of the family and that includes everyone. His son may not like you but you are adult here, so you have to make the big effort first and continue to try to talk to him. He isn't going to go out of his way to make you feel nice and cozy. Bottomline, this is your step-son, and you have to do your best to be polite, courteous and basically suck it up (unless he's outright rude to you, that's different) and go. If you don't go it will make matters worse, as you well know since your H is not happy now.

[whichwayisup]

I also think his son is a spoiled brat, and I have no respect for him since, at 23, he has never worked a day in his life (this is another story, but I had to throw it in here)

If you truly feel this way, then there's a good chance your H's son knows you feel this way without saying it outloud. He may pick up on the energy around you and feel JUST as uncomfortable as you. Anyway, you're the adult here, and yes, he's 23, but the kid still deserves some respect from you because he is your H's son..

[fubarred]

Your situation has nothing to do with mine, and I'm not carrying any baggage into this discussion. I've been on both sides of these issues, if you know what I mean, so you are wrong to assume that I am speaking solely from a BS's standpoint.

 

All it sounds like to me is that you are refusing to participate in these discussions. If you don't know the people or subjects they are talking about... then get to know them.

 

I just don't see your point in causing drama with him regarding his son. Suck it up.

[bentnotbroken]

Sounds to me like the son isn't the only spoiled person in this scenario. What did you expect to happen once you were interjected into his son's life? Didn't you know that your actions would some how color his opinions and views of you? You say he hasn't been mean, but he doesn't engage you, maybe it isn't up to him to make your feel comfortable and relaxed, it is up to you to prove you deserve to be in his life.

[Owl]

Have you discussed this with your H about how to handle the overall situation with his son?

 

Not bashing, but I don't see anyway to work this out. His son probably does resent you...and probably always will. Odds are high that you'll be in this same state for a long time to come...

 

My kids told my wife that there was NO WAY they were going to accept OM in their lives...they told her that there was no way that they'd live with her if she went to be with him. I don't know that they'd have ever given him any kind of chance with them...

 

I'm not sure how you'd overcome this, but I'd guess that it would have to start with communication between you and his father.

[bentnotbroken]

My children are older and responded much the same way. And I would resent anyone who called my kids brats. Just because they don't measure up to what your standards of a 23 year old should be like. I am sure you aren't what is ideal step parent would be either.

[me003]

As a step parent your job is to advice your H of the things that bother you, but not tell him what to do. My ex tried to tell me how to raise my child and I was furious because he was not doing a great job with his.

I am not sure if you mentioned this or not, but as a parent we don't like to be told how to raise our children. This usually causes fights. Safe your self the fight and just try to enjoy your time as best you can.

 

Good luck

[whichwayisup]

He spends plenty of time alone with his son, and I have NEVER asked him to give that up. the thing is, WE had plans first, to go to the lakehouse...then his son all of a sudden wants to go. I also didnt mention that we were going to the lake to celebrate our anniversary together. Why should his son be there for that? Say goodbye to romantical nights and any sex we may have wanted to have had.

 

Seems like you need to talk to your H about this because he went ahead and told his son it was OK to join you two on your anniversary weekend, that's not right of him to do that without discussing it with you - But, now that's a done deal, you could postpone the romantic part of this trip and plan for another weekend getaway, just the two of you.

[silktricks]

well.....

 

this is very hard on you, him and probably the son as well. You can look at it in a bad way - that you had your heart set on a romantic weekend together in relaxation...

 

but, you can also look on it in a good way. The fact that his son wants to be there when the two of you are there may mean he is beginning to accept you as a part of his Dad's life.

 

the fact that you feel some discomfort, well, from the sounds of it, you may need to own that discomfort yourself instead of blaming it on the son. It sounds like you are projecting how you think you would feel in his situation and assuming that he actually feels that way. It could be that there is no correlation. Maybe he feels that you don't want him around (which you don't) and so feels uncomfortable himself. Any young person who feels uncomfortable tends to close off the assumed source of discomfort....

 

You also mentioned that you are a LOT younger than the man you are with. What is the age difference between you and his son?

[LakesideDream]

noticed your wifey cheated on you. Is that why you are here bashing others? I'm not sure what you get out of perusing this particular forum, but may i suggest you NOT bash on others if you are going to be here?

 

 

Meow.... hiss, hiss. Kiva, you are out of line here. You are the "Johnny Come Lately" in this relationship. It is you that need to make the adjustments, not the "son".

 

You have had his father for a few years. He has been a "son" for a quarter century. Who should the young man be talking to rather than his father?

 

Another poster asked the question of the day. "Do you want him to divorce his son too"? Frankly you are lucky that the young man is civil, and accepting of you. Many people wouldn't be as understanding than he.

[GreenEyedLady]

What should I do? Help.

 

What should you do?

 

Act with dignity and grace. Your weekend is going to be different than expected. You'll have other opportunities for relaxation. You need to be a good partner here and help your H strengthen his bond with his son. There is much good to come of the weekend.

 

You have to have the right mindset though. At the very least, you'll be uncomfortable for a weekend. A small price to pay for the man you love.

 

GEL

[bentnotbroken]

It appears the op didn't care for the responses she got.

[whichwayisup]

Frankly you are lucky that the young man is civil, and accepting of you. Many people wouldn't be as understanding than he.

 

And I'll add in: Maybe this is his son's way of trying to reach out abit and spend some time around you and his father, to get to know you, to watch you two together. Look at it as a positive, not a negative.

[girlwithglasses]

I am also a much younger step mother. My stepkids are not as old as your young adult but I can totally identify with what you are feeling. Unfortunately this is one of the most difficult parts of being in a blended family especially when there was infidelity in the previous marriage.

 

I would suggest you do one of two things.

 

Either, you and your husband allow the son to take the house and the two of you plan a romantic getaway just the two of you. Explain to the son that it is your anniversary. He has a girlfriend and is old enough to understand the importance of an anniversary.

 

Or, you go and grin and bear it. It's only a short period of time and it will probably help your relationship with the son in the long run.

 

I know how hard it is. One of my stepkids has been outright rude and hostile to me but I keep trying. I don't try all the time; I'm not perfect. Sometimes my feelings get hurt, sometimes there are loyalty conflicts or issues with jealousy. When it gets to be too much I take a time out but I always come back and try again. I am their father's wife and I will always be in their life. We are family now. We have no choice but to make it work.

[crystal_lostheart]

I would look at this as an opportunity to make things better between you and the son - no matter how small the progress. Try and get into a discussion with him, instead of feeling you you cannot say anything. It may be uncomfortable.

I guess in situations like these, there is always some drama. Look at it from another point of view - at least he wants to come away with you and his dad. I'm sure in other situations, it wouldn't be as good or ever work out this way.

Good Luck....

[Trimmer]

And I'll add in: Maybe this is his son's way of trying to reach out abit and spend some time around you and his father, to get to know you, to watch you two together. Look at it as a positive, not a negative.

I agree - if he's able to be around you and be civil, then he's certainly already put aside some pretty strong feelings. Do you see that as a positive at all? It may be a slow thaw, but are you willing to consider the possibility of making this relationship (with the son) better over time, or is your attitude that you have no choice but to suffer his presence?

 

If you are willing to consider a gradual thaw, it will serve you well to approach it with a positive - or at least open - attitude.

 

Incidentally, it seems clear that the gatekeeper here is your man; he is the one who consciously decided it would be a good idea for you all to spend the time together, and who had the choice - fully knowing it was your anniversary and how important that would be to you - to decline when his son asked. I know it's easier to blame the son, and you are probably hesitant to put this on the shoulders of your man, but if you are harboring resentment over those facts, it is something that should be worked out between you and your man, not something that his son should be burdened with.

 

I would look at this as an opportunity to make things better between you and the son - no matter how small the progress. Try and get into a discussion with him, instead of feeling you you cannot say anything. It may be uncomfortable.

Put yourself in the son's place... The thing most likely to lead to his acceptance - and maybe even appreciation - of you in the long term is if you turn out to be a relaxed, positive influence on his dad's life (as well as his...) Something likely to seriously compromise that possibility is if you have a simmering resentment of him that I guarantee he will read, no matter how you think you can hide it.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't recall reading anywhere that the OP said she was married to the son's father. She just said that they have been together for four years. Am I missing something?

 

I only have a few pointers

 

1. Don't call the son a brat, they can both pick up on that and that's where your argument losses you some serious points.

 

2. Don't avoid situations where you spend time with his grown son. If you don't seem like you want to get to know him a little more, you can kiss years five, six, and so on, good-bye. Failure to blend families is the main reasons that relationships after a previous divorce of one of the partners fails.

 

3. Don't give the son the idea that not only did you help take his dad from his mom, but that you are trying to take his dad from him too. Re: #2.

 

HTH

[Tomcat33]

He may very well BE a brat and you have every right to think that, in fact you don't even have to adore the kid. Maybe he is a spoiled brat.

 

BUT if you love your man and then you should learn to try get to know the kid.

 

What's this business that he talks about things you can't relate to and feel left out? Who is the adult here, he or you? Take interest in him show him you wish to understand what he talks about, who knows maybe that will help him engage more. Otherwise you are digging your own grave, he's 21 don't expect him to take the high road, that's your job.

 

 

Have you tried?

[Trimmer]

I don't recall reading anywhere that the OP said she was married to the son's father. She just said that they have been together for four years. Am I missing something?

I think you're right, but although a couple of posters did refer to him as her "H" or "husband," those references were pretty much incidental to the content of their posts.

 

After being with him for 4 years, and planning to "celebrate our anniversary together" (her words), they are effectively functioning as a kind of a family, so it seems like most of the comments are appropriately in that context.

[Lucky_One]

Guess she isn't coming back?

 

Sorry you didn't hear what you wanted, but honestly, you are going about this weekend trip (and the R) all the wrong way.

 

And why can't you have romance and sex with his son there? Does it have to be in the living room with some bondage play going on or something? Parents have perfected the art of love-making in their bedroom quietly (or in the shower, or in the walk-in closet); how else do you think Baby #2 and #3 come along?