It's about his son...

[GreenEyedLady]

Haa haa...

 

the funny thing is...he is going to inherit the business his mom and dad built. So his going to college has no real benefit to his future other than having the piece of paper. He is not about to have a better career. He is spoonfed everything, including his future.

 

This attitude of yours is what is going to destroy your R.

 

You sound jealous, plain and simple.

 

A college degree is an accomplishment and shows that he has a work ethic and a desire for knowledge.

 

College is always a benefit to a person's future.

 

I guess you can't understand that.

[herenow]

This attitude of yours is what is going to destroy your R.

 

You sound jealous, plain and simple.

 

A college degree is an accomplishment and shows that he has a work ethic and a desire for knowledge.

 

College is always a benefit to a person's future.

 

I guess you can't understand that.

 

Wow GEL, you and I are on the same page. I kinda like when that happens.

 

She can't understand that because it's not how she has lived her life.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not too concerned about whether or not he has a job...but IMO, its one of the reasons i feel he is a spoiled brat, thats all. I'm in no way any type of authority figure to him, and would never tell him what he should or shouldnt do.

 

Any person who is out of school (high school or college) should be working, maybe not because of the money (in this case obviousy money isn't an issue as it is with some kids who want their own spending cash) but because of the experience of working PERIOD. It helps mature them, makes them understand the value of money and alot of hard work! I remember my after school job as a teen, and wow, it felt amazing to get that pay cheque! Feeling of accomplishment and to know that I didn't have to go to mom and dad for $$. At age 23, (or is the son 21?) he really should be doing something, or at best, working in the family business when not in college.

 

I guess i'm uncomfortable around him because I'm uncomfortable with myself. Anytime we are around him, I get all stressed out. Maybe i am intimidated, but there is no way I am jealous. I have a killer work ethic and that would never be the case if I didnt work hard my whole life.

 

You kind of implied you were jealous, of the attention he gives his son over you. Don't let him intimidate you! Remember, you're the adult in this situation and at the end of the day it really doesn't matter what he thinks, what counts is how you feel and your boyfriend. It sounds like his son likes you in some sense because you said he has hugged you - Trust me, if someone doesn't like someone else, there isn't going to be ANY hugging.

 

I think you're overthinking this and it's worse inside your head, you're building it up into something MORE - BUT - It doesn't help that your boyfriend isn't in there, telling his son to relax and just go with the flow, get to know you and hopefully (eventually) some sort of buddy-friendship can be formed between you and his son. HIS DAD has to get involved abit and not stand back and let whatever happen, happen.

 

When i mentioned that maybe I would drive home before his son got there, my BF said, well, that could be a good idea. then we all get what we want (meaning that his son wouldn't have to spend time with me either). So i dont know if his son likes me or not, but according to my man, it seems he'd rather I not be there

.

 

Did he invite the son up, or did the son say, "I'd like to come up with my gf." Big difference here.

 

I think going home before the son gets there is a mistake. Use this opportunity to get to know him in a casual way. Play cards, or some sort of board game, as a group and have fun! Keep it light, and easy.

 

These are good points to bring up. i never thought about if I was intimidated around him. In a way i guess i am, because I feel that he has the abiulity to wreck me in the face of his mother or brother, or friends if I step outside of the line in any way. I might say/do something he doesnt agree with, and then feel like he is going to badmouth me to others. I know his feeling towards me DO effect his Dad, my man. And i'm scared that if his son finds some reason to hate me, he could wreck us.

 

You're worrying about something that hasn't happened. You say the ex is OK now and things are civil. You've said that his son has hugged you and is more or less pleasent with you, he's just not 'chatty' with you - BUT, that doesn't mean he's going to get in the way of you and his dad, try to tear you apart...Worrying about it will only manufest inside your head, making you feel worse.

 

Your boyfriend needs to get some balls and not let this get out of hand, if a situation does occur. I would hope he'd stay neutral and try to see both sides...Anyway, think more positive thoughts - Do what you can to not feel uncomfortable and just enjoy the family time together. Who knows, maybe it will turn out to be a fun weekend.

[herenow]

Any person who is out of school (high school or college) should be working, maybe not because of the money (in this case obviousy money isn't an issue as it is with some kids who want their own spending cash) but because of the experience of working PERIOD. It helps mature them, makes them understand the value of money and alot of hard work! I remember my after school job as a teen, and wow, it felt amazing to get that pay cheque! Feeling of accomplishment and to know that I didn't have to go to mom and dad for $$. At age 23, (or is the son 21?) he really should be doing something, or at best, working in the family business when not in college.

.

 

But he is going to college by choice. And the following line from kivabeach shows that he is involved in some sort of business, possibly the family business, but it's not clear.

 

"The conversations do not revolve around their past. They revolve around his son, his son's friends, his son's girlfriend, his son's business ideas."

 

Maybe kivabeach doesn't like the friends and girlfriend either. Maybe it's because they are younger than her and enjoying life and she feels older and tied down. Who knows?

[NoIDidn't]

Kiva

 

I am really not trying to jump on the bandwagon but I agree with the others that you are just jealous.

 

And there's NOTHING wrong with that, per se.

 

Let me explain. My H's family has always doted on him. When we were dating, he would get calls for people that cooked his favorite meal and wanted us to come over. US, as in me AND him. I felt put upon, initially. Didn't they know they were monopolizing MY time with him? LOL.

 

Well, I changed my attitude and decided, after he explained the situation better to me (him the youngest marrying age male at the time - the baby of the family), they were really just trying to get to know me as well.

 

Good thing I changed my tune. It taught me much about my own levels of insecurity.

 

I think this is where you should start. At 23, he can be a great friend to you. Its not worth arguing with his dad about how they raised their son. So what he's spoiled?! I HOPE I can spoil my kids in that way one day.

 

You are really young. Don't let this be the undoing of your relationship, if you really want this relationship.

[Lizzie60]

I didn't read the whole thread so maybe you answered this question before.. if so.. I'm sorry.

 

Why don't you suggest to your man that the son should go alone with his gf.. it would be more romantic for them to spend the weekend there alone..

 

You have to understand though that when the son is around, it's NOT about you.. it's about HIM.. he should feel free to talk about whatever he wants.. maybe you don't know anything about it.. but he had a life with his family before you got in the picture.. so, I can understand that you don't like him.. but you got to respect him...

 

From your first post, I felt that the son has respect for you.. (you should be thankful that he doesn't 'resent' you)..

[silktricks]

Kiva - you said in an earlier post that you feel that you and the son are vying for your guy's attention. That analysis is probably spot on. You are. It's a difficult position to be in, but you (if you want your relationship to survive) MUST be the adult here and let his son have the attention. You'll get it when the young man isn't around.

 

In regards to the comments about respect... you don't really want to be his stepmom - after all, you're less than 10 years older than him. You need to be cordial and friendly (which it sounds like you are), and that's the best you can expect from him (and it sounds like you get it that).

 

But just like you being afraid that he can ruin your relationship, he may worry that you can ruin his relationship with his dad. You're both in uncharted territory, and it's difficult territory. Know this - the more you give in this instance, the more you will get in the long run. But you MUST learn to be generous towards the son in regards to time. Otherwise things will take a long rocky road towards a very steep precipice in regards to your relationship.

 

Have some nice romantic walks with your guy - I'm sure you can find a secluded spot somewhere !!!

 

Good luck.

[kivabeach]

But he is going to college by choice. And the following line from kivabeach shows that he is involved in some sort of business, possibly the family business, but it's not clear.

 

"The conversations do not revolve around their past. They revolve around his son, his son's friends, his son's girlfriend, his son's business ideas."

 

Maybe kivabeach doesn't like the friends and girlfriend either. Maybe it's because they are younger than her and enjoying life and she feels older and tied down. Who knows?

 

 

Who said i wasn't enjoying my life? I'm only 31 for God's sake. They are not that much younger than me. I have traveled the world, jumped out of airplanes, lived in small towns and big cities, had jobs, got a degree, am working on my Master's degree, have a myriad of worldy friends, take voice lessons, dance, camp, swim, jetski, kayak, hike, seen 100 or more concerts, go out to dinner almost every weekend to wonderful places, speak spanish, see theatre, etc...I am most certainly NOT tied down.

 

I would never want to be in my twenties again, and am very glad they are over. There is way to much uncertainty in my twenties.

 

I like his son's girlfriend actually. Her dad is one of the professors at the school i go to. She is waaaaay more friendly to me than he is. She engages me. She also has a FT job, and goes to school. I have a lot more respect for her than i do him.

[kivabeach]

 

She can't understand that because it's not how she has lived her life.

 

 

i didn't realize you knew how i lived my life. why don't you enlighten me and tell me how it is i have lived my life.

[kivabeach]

 

Why don't you suggest to your man that the son should go alone with his gf.. it would be more romantic for them to spend the weekend there alone..

 

quote]

 

I have. I suggested that the son shows up on the day WE leave (Thurs). For some reason, the son HAS to be there on Weds though. Couldn't tell you why.

[Lizzie60]

 

Why don't you suggest to your man that the son should go alone with his gf.. it would be more romantic for them to spend the weekend there alone..

 

quote]

 

I have. I suggested that the son shows up on the day WE leave (Thurs). For some reason, the son HAS to be there on Weds though. Couldn't tell you why.

 

 

Oh OK.. I see.. then if I were you, I would just suck it up and be nice to him.. you don't have to like him.. (so does he).. but you can just be civil for the sake of your man... it's not like you live with the son too (I hope not ) it's probably once in a while.. and I just read you get along fine with his gf.. steer your attention to her.. let the son and dad shoot the bull..

[herenow]

i didn't realize you knew how i lived my life. why don't you enlighten me and tell me how it is i have lived my life.

 

You are the one that said his college degree is only a piece of paper and has no real benefit to his future. Someone who says that isn't in agreement that an education is always a benefit to a person's life even if they don't need one to make money. Just saying IMO. And again I have to say, maybe he doesn't want to be like his father.

 

In case you forgot:

 

"the funny thing is...he is going to inherit the business his mom and dad built. So his going to college has no real benefit to his future other than having the piece of paper. He is not about to have a better career. He is spoonfed everything, including his future."

[herenow]

Who said i wasn't enjoying my life? I'm only 31 for God's sake. They are not that much younger than me. I have traveled the world, jumped out of airplanes, lived in small towns and big cities, had jobs, got a degree, am working on my Master's degree, have a myriad of worldy friends, take voice lessons, dance, camp, swim, jetski, kayak, hike, seen 100 or more concerts, go out to dinner almost every weekend to wonderful places, speak spanish, see theatre, etc...I am most certainly NOT tied down.

 

I would never want to be in my twenties again, and am very glad they are over. There is way to much uncertainty in my twenties.

 

I like his son's girlfriend actually. Her dad is one of the professors at the school i go to. She is waaaaay more friendly to me than he is. She engages me. She also has a FT job, and goes to school. I have a lot more respect for her than i do him.

 

Then why are you intimidated by his son?

[kivabeach]

You are the one that said his college degree is only a piece of paper and has no real benefit to his future. Someone who says that isn't in agreement that an education is always a benefit to a person's life even if they don't need one to make money. Just saying IMO. And again I have to say, maybe he doesn't want to be like his father.

 

In case you forgot:

 

"the funny thing is...he is going to inherit the business his mom and dad built. So his going to college has no real benefit to his future other than having the piece of paper. He is not about to have a better career. He is spoonfed everything, including his future."

 

I also said the following:

 

i agree with you that education is more than a piece of paper, but in this case, that is all it is. I totally admire those who work hard in school. Been there, done that...i know how intense it can be.

[kivabeach]

Then why are you intimidated by his son?

 

Why dont you reread the posts. I have explained why I feel intimidated. Jealousy and intimidation are two different things.

[herenow]

I also said the following:

 

i agree with you that education is more than a piece of paper, but in this case, that is all it is. I totally admire those who work hard in school. Been there, done that...i know how intense it can be.

 

How do you know what his intentions are in getting an education? Have you asked him?

[herenow]

Why dont you reread the posts. I have explained why I feel intimidated. Jealousy and intimidation are two different things.

 

Sorry, it's still my opinion that you seem to be jealous. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

[jcrew]

I'm curious about what your feelings are for your BF's older son. You said he was 29 and also lived with his parents, correct? But you haven't said much about him other than that. Did he work while in school? Do you feel uncomfortable around him as well, or is it just this younger son?

[Citizen Erased]

You clearly resent the son. Mainly because he steers his father's attention away from you when he sees him on far more regular basis than you, but also because his life isn't as hard as yours was. Which is fine, you're only human. You can sense the tension coming from him and so any good will you have is slowly turning not so good.

 

You need to learn to recognise where this dislike is coming from. He has only taken the path his parents built for him. Many people never worked a day until they finished their degree some had a family business handed to them on a silver platter. We should all be so lucky, but those that are shouldn't be blamed for having better opportunities. Fact is you need to get along with this kid and dwelling on this stuff is not going to help that happen.

 

Never say to his father your think his son is a spoiled brat. It is not your place. Inform him of any issues, but never say anything like that to him. Do not make this an ongoing argument, your relationship will never last. If any issues comes up with his son, you want to be able to sort it out as adults and not have it boil down to him accusing you of just not liking his son. Don't make him feel the need to choose between you and his son.

 

I know that you are getting alot of advice that seems so one sided, putting it all on you, but your partner's relationship with his son cannot be broken. Yours can. On this issue, it is up to you to make it work. It may seem unfair, the son is an adult after all, but this is what you got into when you started a relationship with a man with children.

[kivabeach]

I'm curious about what your feelings are for your BF's older son. You said he was 29 and also lived with his parents, correct? But you haven't said much about him other than that. Did he work while in school? Do you feel uncomfortable around him as well, or is it just this younger son?

 

His other son and I weren't friends, but we knew each other and have shared a few drinks before my A ever began. He never went to school. He battles an alcohol and drug problem. He mainly works construction jobs, but he works VERY HARD. He's kind of an outsider...he's a cowboy in a land of hippies and trendsetters. I dont feel too uncomfortable around him, but we spend FAR less time together.

 

When the news of the A broke, my BF told this son first because he knew he would "understand," plus he had seen some nasty fighting between his dad and mom.

 

So, No things with him aren't too strange. I guess when my BF told me that the older boy would understand more than the younger boy, I felt a bit more at ease.

 

Maybe that is the problem. The whole job and brat argument in the last few posts doesnt seem to have much to do with the issue at hand. IMO, the son doesnt know how I feel about his brattiness, but I think (and especially after writing this) the main problem is my own insecurities. When I found out son 1 was understanding, i was cool. When I feared son 2 wouldnt understand, I freaked out.

 

The job/college thing only came to head because I made some mention about an education not being that important (in this case). I'd like to forget that whole thing. There is more drama on LS about that than there is in my realtionship i know that is not the problem.

 

I just dont think i know how to handle the fact that son 2 doesn't get it. He once called me a flusey. that was earlier on, but that still burns. Its hard to hang with someone you know doesnt like you. Thats why I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He already doesnt like me, but is playing civil to appease his dad. He doesnt want me there just as much as i dont want to be there. If this is the case, why should I feel bad by leaving early, or not going at all? Would you willingly hang with someone who know hates you and thinks of you as a flusey?

[kivabeach]

You clearly resent the son. Mainly because he steers his father's attention away from you when he sees him on far more regular basis than you, but also because his life isn't as hard as yours was. Which is fine, you're only human. You can sense the tension coming from him and so any good will you have is slowly turning not so good.

 

You need to learn to recognise where this dislike is coming from. He has only taken the path his parents built for him. Many people never worked a day until they finished their degree some had a family business handed to them on a silver platter. We should all be so lucky, but those that are shouldn't be blamed for having better opportunities. Fact is you need to get along with this kid and dwelling on this stuff is not going to help that happen.

 

Never say to his father your think his son is a spoiled brat. It is not your place. Inform him of any issues, but never say anything like that to him. Do not make this an ongoing argument, your relationship will never last. If any issues comes up with his son, you want to be able to sort it out as adults and not have it boil down to him accusing you of just not liking his son. Don't make him feel the need to choose between you and his son.

 

I know that you are getting alot of advice that seems so one sided, putting it all on you, but your partner's relationship with his son cannot be broken. Yours can. On this issue, it is up to you to make it work. It may seem unfair, the son is an adult after all, but this is what you got into when you started a relationship with a man with children.

 

Thanks CE, for having some compassion and realizing its not about his job or education.

 

And while i do feel bit beat down from this thread, in the end it's for the best. i need to hear it in order to understand it.

 

My parents instilled in me a strong work ethic. i had a job at 16, and have kept going. They didnt help me with school (I will have over 100,000 in loans to pay off), and i've worked during school to survive. while it sucked going through it (life was harder) I feel like it really made me into the person i am today. If/when i have kids, my BF and I have already decided they will be working at 16-17. He told me I was the "other parent" he wished he could've raised his kids with. we feel very similar in child rearing.

But all of the hard work taught me about people, money, beauracracy, greed, organization, time management, respect, and then some. I still do not respect the child that grows up with everything handed to them on a silver platter. I guess its the parents fault then, but I think a child can turn out pretty F!#ked up when everything is handed to them. Just my opinion. I'd rather spoil my child with travel, and a nice home to grow up in with good food to eat and a realistic approach to life.

[Citizen Erased]

Thanks CE, for having some compassion and realizing its not about his job or education.

 

And while i do feel bit beat down from this thread, in the end it's for the best. i need to hear it in order to understand it.

 

My parents instilled in me a strong work ethic. i had a job at 16, and have kept going. They didnt help me with school (I will have over 100,000 in loans to pay off), and i've worked during school to survive. while it sucked going through it (life was harder) I feel like it really made me into the person i am today. If/when i have kids, my BF and I have already decided they will be working at 16-17. He told me I was the "other parent" he wished he could've raised his kids with. we feel very similar in child rearing.

But all of the hard work taught me about people, money, beauracracy, greed, organization, time management, respect, and then some. I still do not respect the child that grows up with everything handed to them on a silver platter. I guess its the parents fault then, but I think a child can turn out pretty F!#ked up when everything is handed to them. Just my opinion. I'd rather spoil my child with travel, and a nice home to grow up in with good food to eat and a realistic approach to life.

 

No problem.

 

I get what you mean about not respecting him. But give it some time. You never know, when he finishes school, he may surprise you. I hope he does. It is a shame to see how people turn out when a firm hand from their parents could have made all the difference. But I guess you have no control over it. Don't expect too much now, but as he gets older and matures, settles down and has a family etc it should get better. Mummy will have to loosen the apron strings eventually.

[awkward]

Thanks CE, for having some compassion and realizing its not about his job or education.

 

And while i do feel bit beat down from this thread, in the end it's for the best. i need to hear it in order to understand it.

 

My parents instilled in me a strong work ethic. i had a job at 16, and have kept going. They didnt help me with school (I will have over 100,000 in loans to pay off), and i've worked during school to survive. while it sucked going through it (life was harder) I feel like it really made me into the person i am today. If/when i have kids, my BF and I have already decided they will be working at 16-17. He told me I was the "other parent" he wished he could've raised his kids with. we feel very similar in child rearing.

But all of the hard work taught me about people, money, beauracracy, greed, organization, time management, respect, and then some. I still do not respect the child that grows up with everything handed to them on a silver platter. I guess its the parents fault then, but I think a child can turn out pretty F!#ked up when everything is handed to them. Just my opinion. I'd rather spoil my child with travel, and a nice home to grow up in with good food to eat and a realistic approach to life.

 

I too believe this isn't about whether his son is working or not. But you brought up the work ethic again and that your boyfriend wished he could have raised his kids with you.

 

Do you think this could be about his ex-wife? Like maybe you really have a problem with the way she and your boyfriend raised their kids together. It's just a thought you might want to explore. If that is the problem it really isn't fair to judge the son because of the way he was raised.

 

I understand that the son called you an awful name. It could be that he was just angry with you at the time and no longer feels that way. I bet he called his dad a few names too but obviously he wants to have a relationship with him. He could be over it.

 

I think more than anything the problem here is time. You want to spend time with your boyfriend and as it is there really isn't much time to do that. I know they are your weekends with your boyfriend but occasionally spending some of that time with his son could help you become more accepting of him.

 

I really don't see a problem with the son. You could try and engage him in conversation and see how that goes. You could be honest and explain that you feel insecure around him and want to try to be friends. Or you could just not go to the lake.

 

I think speaking with your boyfriend about your insecurities could be the best way to solve the problem though. I wouldn't mention that you feel his son is a spoiled brat but you could say that you don't feel his son is very understanding of your relationship which makes you uncomfortable when you are around him. Or if you are insecure in your relationship with your boyfriend, you could explain why. If this is the root of the problem, perhaps he could help you feel more secure. At this point, I don't think the son will try to wreck your relationship.

 

Good luck.

[SofiaLo]

For days I've look at this post, try to be neutral and ignore it. Now i'm mad and hurting for old wounds.

My parents divorced when I was a year old. My second name is as hers and that's not coincidence.

 

She was always cold towards me.

 

Now after 40+ years she has the nerve to ask why I don't call my father on a regular basis. She never complain to me or reprimanded me..........She just made observations to my father when I was not around.

 

As a grown up woman I can safely say "the b@#ch stole my father" and still instills division among us.

 

When my kids were 16 and 15 my husband fell in love w/ OW. We divorced. Ii felt grateful and lucky my exhusband didn't insist in sharing his happiness with them right away.

 

I'm glad my children are not brats. They are polite and are respectful of their father and of me. That's why they have extended that respect to her. They act neutral toward someone they don't think is passing judgement on them. My daughter says she wants to spend time with her dad. She is now 22 my son is 21 they are now on vacation, just college, no work and my son looks like a bump (long hair, bear, WOW you will think he is not my son, except by the fact that he'll not offend or malign this woman, even when he pointed out how much his father was changing toward us before the A came to light.)

 

This year was the first time they spend time with dad and the girlfriend at the tiny litle house at the lake where they have spend every summer until life changed for us.

 

They can handle it. I now they can. I'll say no more. They don't need me to defend them. I was right, this post is not for me.

And you are not the b@#ch who stole my father.

[SofiaLo]

For days I've look at this post, try to be neutral and ignore it. Now i'm mad and hurting for old wounds.

My parents divorced when I was a year old. My second name is as hers and that's not coincidence.

 

She was always cold towards me.

 

Now after 40+ years she has the nerve to ask why I don't call my father on a regular basis. She never complain to me or reprimanded me..........She just made observations to my father when I was not around.

 

As a grown up woman I can safely say "the b@#ch stole my father" and still instills division among us.

 

When my kids were 16 and 15 my husband fell in love w/ OW. We divorced. Ii felt grateful and lucky my exhusband didn't insist in sharing his happiness with them right away.

 

I'm glad my children are not brats. They are polite and are respectful of their father and of me. That's why they have extended that respect to her. They act neutral toward someone they don't think is passing judgement on them. My daughter says she wants to spend time with her dad. She is now 22 my son is 21 they are now on vacation, just college, no work and my son looks like a bump (long hair, bear, WOW you will think he is not my son, except by the fact that he'll not offend or malign this woman, even when he pointed out how much his father was changing toward us before the A came to light.)

 

This year was the first time they spend time with dad and the girlfriend at the tiny litle house at the lake where they have spend every summer until life changed for us.

 

They can handle it. I now they can. I'll say no more. They don't need me to defend them. I was right, this post is not for me.

And you are not the b@#ch who stole my father.