It's about his son...

[climbergirl]

He has a 23 year old son whom i have a hard time spending time with. Obviously it is uncomfortable and most of you can understand why. However, we seem to be civil and manange just fine when we do have to spend time together. Usually our time is brief...maybe dinner, or a quick trip to the park or something. It never usually lasts more than a few hours.

 

WELL, my man and I had plans to spend a few days out at the lakehouse next week. Then his son requested to spend some time out there as well, with his girlfriend.

 

My first thought was that he couldn't be too uncomfortable if he requested to spend time there and it includes his father and you.

 

My man then decided we should ALL spend time there, and I'm just not comfortable with it. It would only be one full day and night, and then we'd have to go back home. Still, the reason for going to the lakehouse is to RELAX and UNWIND, however, when his son is there, I am anything but relaxed and to me, it defeats the purpose of going.

 

This blows my mind that you are unable to share one night with his son when you have the rest of your life to be with his father. My father remarried ~ 4 years ago and my stepmother doesn't get along with some of us and vice versa. However, we have spent weekends together, weeks together! We are civil to each other and make the best of it because the common denominator here is that we all love my father.

 

 

 

I also think his son is a spoiled brat, and I have no respect for him since, at 23, he has never worked a day in his life (this is another story, but I had to throw it in here)

 

Come on now. Ask yourself this: Who spoils the child? I think your loss of respect is misplaced.

 

I know most of this is my own insecurites, but I cannot BE myself around his son. I feel bad because I was the woman (the much younger woman) who his dad left his mom for. I know if I were him, I would not like the other woman.

 

You need to forgive yourself. I don't doubt that his kids were angry initially, but after 4 years he's probably over it. It's probably more important to him now that you make his dad happy.

 

my man and I got in an argument over it last night. I told him to forget it....that I didn't want to go to the lake anymore if his son was going to be there. I just feel bad, and I dont know what to do or how to balance his family with US. I feel like I'm being a brat or something, but at the same time, I would be totally miserable listening to his son ramble on and on for 24 hours. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him.

 

What balance are you trying to achieve by forcing your BF to choose between his child and you? How would your BF feel towards his son if he was the one forcing him to choose?

[silktricks]

This makes no sense. The BS has no responsibility to mend any rifts between their child and the other parent or the other parent's partner. Forcing someone to respect someone who hurt them or who engages in behavior which the child finds disrespectable, is just sick. Sometimes it is better for the rift to continue. Some parents are just toxic and to continue in a relationship with them just harms the child more.

 

I don't believe I used the word force - I believe I used the words encourage and aid. My opinion is my opinion and no one needs agree .

 

I (personally) feel quite strongly that it is a parent's responsibility to encourage their child(ren) to show respect to the other parent's new partner. Part of the responsibility (IMO) of being a parent is to help their children face some of the difficulties of being an adult. We don't always get to have the life we want. Accomodations must be made for other people and their choices. One of those accomodations (again this is MY OPINION) may be accepting a person as part of the family who we may not like. But if that person is married to someone we love, then that person should be shown respect. Otherwise, as Trimmer said, it shows disrespect to the loved one.

 

(Showing respect in my lexicon means being polite, courteous and acknowledging them as their parent's partner. It does NOT mean the son/daughter needs to think well of the person, accept them as a parental substitute, or enjoy their company.)

 

In my opinion, (back to the topic of this thread) the son IS showing his father's new partner, kiva, respect. He does NOT need to engage her in conversation, entertain her or enjoy her company to do so. But it appears that he does not have an issue with her, and has been accepting of her relationship with his dad. The very fact that he wants to be at this little cabin at the same time as his father and kiva indicates acceptance. IMO (and may I repeat again, this is MY opinion), this particular problem is not the son's problem. Kiva, I believe has issues with what she thinks his attitude is, and is feeling unsure of her relationship with the father.

[bentnotbroken]

I can understand and agree that in the anger and hurt of the original break-up that children - whether teens or adults - may refuse to deal with the parent's new love. But long term, if the two new people form a permanent bond and this resentment continues, the long term damage to the relationship between parent and child is only sad for both.

 

The parent who was left (the BS) should IMO do everything in their power to aid in mending the rift between their child(ren) and the other parent. The parent didn't divorce the children AND those children should show respect to their parent's new partner, and be encouraged to do so by the BS.

 

There is a difference between showing and having respect . No one can be forced to HAVE respect for a person. But there is no excuse IMO to not SHOW respect to the person your parent has chosen as a mate - whether you like the person or not.

 

 

Why should I or any other bs fix something the ws broke? Why should any bs clean up the mess the ws made. I don't encourage my children to disrespect their father, but I truthfully don't give a damn about how they treat him, that is his job to work out. He chose(as the posters man:rolleyes:)to leave, so there is no reason for him to be my concern ever again. I don't hate him, I just don't give a damn. And it appears the son has shown each of them(as my kids have)more respect than either of them showed him or his mother. It speaks well of who is the actual adult here.

 

I raised my children to be good people and when they will treat Mr. Messy and anybody he chooses with more respect than he has earned. But if the mindset is bs should encourage something that isn't there, that is pretty ballsy.

[silktricks]

Respect is EARNED, not given.

 

By starting the relationship by cheating with one of the parents and contributing to the dissolution of the family, the OP now turned potential new step parent is starting out in a huge, HUGE trust/respect deficit in regards to the children, ESPECIALLY if they're old enough to understand all of this.

{snip}

 

I would have never attempted to force my kids into accepting/respecting someone who actively sought an affair with my wife. Who did so KNOWING that the destruction of our family was a likely result.

 

I WOULD have insisted that they treat their mother with respect and love...but that would NOT have extended to the OM. Sorry, but this is simply how I see it.

 

Of course respect is earned not given. And again, I didn't use the word force - I said encourage and aid....

 

Let me give an example of what I mean, though. (Maybe that will make it more palatable.)

 

I have a job. I like my job a lot. It's challenging, pays well, etc. My boss is great. It's just an all around good place to work.

 

The company I work for is bought out. The boss I like so well was let go, and I now have a new boss. This boss is scum. He's a jerk in every way.

 

I do not respect this man. He is pond scum as far as I'm concerned. Out of the office I would cross town to avoid him. But, he's my boss. While at work I will show him the respect he deserves simply and solely because he is my boss. He has NOT earned that respect. He just gets it, because he was appointed to the position.

 

A stepparent or new partner to a parent is the same (IMO). They haven't done anything (necessarily) to earn the childs respect. In fact they start out in the negative range and the child may dislike them intensely. That does not mean the child should show disrespect. They should be at the very least courteous and polite.

[bentnotbroken]

That is what the op gets from the son. But what I found offensive is that the bs should encourage the child to be respectful. As it is most of us with children have had to pick up the pieces and try to explain why they were treated with so much disrespect and to try to console and help them move forward with is now their lives, why should we be handed the extra task of ushering in respect for the affair partner and the ws. They sowed, let them reap.

[Owl]

Rewriting my post after re-reading a prior comment.

[Owl]

I don't believe I used the word force - I believe I used the words encourage and aid. My opinion is my opinion and no one needs agree .

 

I (personally) feel quite strongly that it is a parent's responsibility to encourage their child(ren) to show respect to the other parent's new partner. Part of the responsibility (IMO) of being a parent is to help their children face some of the difficulties of being an adult. We don't always get to have the life we want. Accomodations must be made for other people and their choices. One of those accomodations (again this is MY OPINION) may be accepting a person as part of the family who we may not like. But if that person is married to someone we love, then that person should be shown respect. Otherwise, as Trimmer said, it shows disrespect to the loved one.

 

(Showing respect in my lexicon means being polite, courteous and acknowledging them as their parent's partner. It does NOT mean the son/daughter needs to think well of the person, accept them as a parental substitute, or enjoy their company.)

 

In my opinion, (back to the topic of this thread) the son IS showing his father's new partner, kiva, respect. He does NOT need to engage her in conversation, entertain her or enjoy her company to do so. But it appears that he does not have an issue with her, and has been accepting of her relationship with his dad. The very fact that he wants to be at this little cabin at the same time as his father and kiva indicates acceptance. IMO (and may I repeat again, this is MY opinion), this particular problem is not the son's problem. Kiva, I believe has issues with what she thinks his attitude is, and is feeling unsure of her relationship with the father.

 

Do you think it would be reasonable to ask a betrayed spouse to encourage or aid a child to develop or show respect for the affair partner that their spouse left them for?

 

Really?

 

To ask them to show respect for someone that the BS probably hates with a passion, and has no respect for at all?

 

I could see if it in a case where it was a new spouse, but not a prior affair partner. But I think it would be ludicrous to expect a BS to encourage it with the affair partner.

[silktricks]

Why should I or any other bs fix something the ws broke? Why should any bs clean up the mess the ws made. I don't encourage my children to disrespect their father, but I truthfully don't give a damn about how they treat him, that is his job to work out. He chose(as the posters man:rolleyes:)to leave, so there is no reason for him to be my concern ever again. I don't hate him, I just don't give a damn. And it appears the son has shown each of them(as my kids have)more respect than either of them showed him or his mother. It speaks well of who is the actual adult here.

 

I raised my children to be good people and when they will treat Mr. Messy and anybody he chooses with more respect than he has earned. But if the mindset is bs should encourage something that isn't there, that is pretty ballsy.

 

Well, like I said, it's My opinion. No one need share it.

 

I think as a parent we should encourage our children to show respect to other people.

 

Maybe the problem with what I'm trying to communicate is the word respect. It has some connotations that other BS here are having an issue with. Does polite and courteous work better?

[silktricks]

Do you think it would be reasonable to ask a betrayed spouse to encourage or aid a child to develop or show respect for the affair partner that their spouse left them for?

 

Really?

 

To ask them to show respect for someone that the BS probably hates with a passion, and has no respect for at all?

 

I could see if it in a case where it was a new spouse, but not a prior affair partner. But I think it would be ludicrous to expect a BS to encourage it with the affair partner.

 

I understand what you are saying. But, what if that affair partner ends up being the wife/husband of the other parent? Don't you think that the children do need to learn to show respect to the parent's mate? Regardless of how that situation originated? They could be married 10, 20, maybe even 40 years.

 

Don't you think that as a parent we the BS in the situation have a responsibility to our children? A responsibility to teach them to accept the things in life they cannot change? No one can continue to rail against a bad situation forever. That's not healthy for anyone.

 

In my original post I used the word eventually. I think that got lost in the later posts. I do not mean that we should (or even could) tell our children to accept the new guy in Mom's life (or new woman in Dad's) right off the bat. But if those two people stay together eventually we need to put on our good parent hats and encourage our kids to be the adults we want them to be. Responsible and caring. Courteous and polite. Even when it's hard.

[herenow]

 

The parent who was left (the BS) should IMO do everything in their power to aid in mending the rift between their child(ren) and the other parent. The parent didn't divorce the children AND those children should show respect to their parent's new partner, and be encouraged to do so by the BS.

.

 

 

If the OW has nothing to do with the relationships of the BW during the affair because she didn't make any promises or vows to the BW, then I would say it's only fair that the BW has nothing to do with the OW or her relationships. You can't have it both ways. If you (the collective you) say that the OW isn't responsible for what happens to the BW, then how can you say that the BW has any responsibility towards the OW?

 

If the BW has moved on and focuses on her relationship with her son, why should she care about the relationship between her son and the OW? Seems like the son's relationship with the father is just fine and that's all the BW should care about. The OW is not the BW's problem at all.

 

We are talking about a 23 year old man here. He is perfectly capable of making is own decisions. The parents in this situation are very civil to each other and that is all good parents should have to do. The OW is responsible for herself and that is how adults act.

[silktricks]

why should we be handed the extra task of ushering in respect for the affair partner and the ws.

 

Because we're the good guys!!??!!

[herenow]

Because we're the good guys!!??!!

 

and our focus should be on our kids. The OW isn't part of the BW's family.

[bentnotbroken]

My children have been taught to behave with respect, curtesy and politeness. And since they are fairly intelligent and good people, so I trust their judgment in how they chose to treat their dad and any future spouse. If they chose to treat their father like the less than honorable person he is, then that is between them and their father. To the op, sorry for the t/j, I know this isn't about me.

[bentnotbroken]

ST, would you consider making a new thread with this question, I am interested in other responses.

[silktricks]

If the OW has nothing to do with the relationships of the BW during the affair because she didn't make any promises or vows to the BW, then I would say it's only fair that the BW has nothing to do with the OW or her relationships. You can't have it both ways.

 

Well, of course, not being an OW myself (I'm a BS) I don't agree with or believe the first line. I believe that the OW has EVERYTHING to do with the situation and the assumption that they have no responsibility is simply a convenient copout of theirs.

 

I believe that all people are interconnected and have responsibilities towards others. I believe that parents have the responsibility of teaching their children to behave politely towards others - even others we don't like. I believe people should be SHOWN respect even if they don't earn it. It's not for the sake of the person being shown respect as much (IMO) as it for the sake of the person showing respect (and the continuance of society as a whole.)

 

But those are my beliefs... it's not as if I can always hold fast to them...

[herenow]

As parents our focus should be on our kids. The OW isn't part of the BW's family.

 

We aren't talking about young kids here anyway. We are talking about a 23 year old man who is perfectly capable of making his own decisions. It's not up to his mommy anymore to tell him who he should like and how he should act.

 

The OP should grow up and realize that people aren't going to do things just to make her happy. The son may never see her as anything more than he sees now. She is an adult and she should either deal with it or move on. Her choice to make. She is responsible for her happiness. The BW and her son have nothing to do with it.

[herenow]

Well, like I said, it's My opinion. No one need share it.

 

I think as a parent we should encourage our children to show respect to other people.

 

Maybe the problem with what I'm trying to communicate is the word respect. It has some connotations that other BS here are having an issue with. Does polite and courteous work better?

 

If a person doesn't respect others who engage in affairs, that is their own moral opinion. No one can force a 23 year old to respect someone who has stepped outside their ethical comfort zone. Seems like this 23 year old has at least been able to act respectful around the OW.

 

BTW the fact that he has chosen to even be around the OW, IMO, shows me that he is more mature than the OP.

[silktricks]

ST, would you consider making a new thread with this question, I am interested in other responses.

 

OK - started it....

 

It's a question of respect.....

[silktricks]

If a person doesn't respect others who engage in affairs, that is their own moral opinion. No one can force a 23 year old to respect someone who has stepped outside their ethical comfort zone. Seems like this 23 year old has at least been able to act respectful around the OW.

No one can force anyone of any age to respect someone else. What can be done is encourage someone to behave in a manner that is polite and courteous. THAT is what I mean by "show respect"

 

BTW the fact that he has chosen to even be around the OW, IMO, shows me that he is more mature than the OP.

:lmao: I agree :lmao:

 

BTW, bentnotbroken requested that I start a new thread on this topic to stop the threadjack here. I've done so.

[awkward]

I think respect is earned. I do however feel that both parties should be polite to each other.

 

Respect from the son is not the OP's problem.

 

In another thread she stated that she will not be working full time while in school and if she can help it she won't even work part time. This contradicts so much of what she has said in this thread.

 

I feel that she is jealous of her BF's son. He gets to go to school and not work. He has a job already waiting for him when he graduates. Heck I am jealous myself. Well not really but I can see how the OP can be a little envious of his position.

 

The OP should try to move past these feelings. She may even find that the son is open to a friend type relationship with her. Once she works on her self-esteem I think she will see things more clearly.

[angie2443]

Because we're the good guys!!??!!

 

Good guys or door mats? I think there is a fine line between the two here.

[herenow]

After some people here mentioned the OP's past posts, I had a chance to go back and read some of them. The irony here is that she expects the son to treat her in a way that she isn't even treating herself. She wants some sort of "respect" from him yet she has no respect for herself.

 

There are so many posts where she questions her choices, her intelligence, even her own self esteem. I think she is imposing thoughts on others (the son) that she thinks about herself. She seems to be a bit paranoid and I wouldn't doubt that the son is just living his life the same as if she weren't even a part of it.

 

I would expect a 23 year old to have some sort of dislike for the OW that is with his father, but this son seems just fine with being around the OP.

[pelicanpreacher]

Why dont you reread the posts. I have explained why I feel intimidated. Jealousy and intimidation are two different things.

 

Wrong. Jealousy is spawned by intimidation and intimidation is spawned by insecurity. Seems that for all your educational efforts you're the one that only ended up with a piece of paper, LOL!

[JooSee]

Some of these postings are downright rude, and attacking. I think a lot of you need to get a life off of LS.

 

OP, my advice to you is to be open, be honest, take a deep breath and go through the experience with the son. Face your fears! It'll help you overcome all of your insecurities. This is the only way for you to grow with your BF and make for a better future. It'll be hard in the beginning, but you will be so glad you did this.

 

Then never come to LS again. Your life is your life and many of these people here seem to think they KNOW you. THEY DON'T, and THEY DON'T KNOW THE REALITY OF YOUR SITUATION. I mean, is stating the quote by Pelican really necessary?

 

"Wrong. Jealousy is spawned by intimidation and intimidation is spawned by insecurity. Seems that for all your educational efforts you're the one that only ended up with a piece of paper, LOL! "

 

BTW, Pelican...The dictionary defines jealousy as: hostility toward one believed to enjoy an advantage, and intimidation as: inducing fear or a sense of inferiority onto another, so i'm thinking that you are the one who is incorrect. Maybe you should go back to school.

 

Good luck, Kiva.

[J2FT1]

You know why you're uncomfortable around his son? It's because you feel guilty. You know that he knows that you were the reason for the divorce. Now if you came into their lives say because his biological mother is deceased or something, your relationship with him would be fine.