"love you but not in love with you"

[vanillabeans]

I met my husband in college and we dated for about 3 years before getting married. We were pretty much each other first "real " relationship. I 've been pretty happy in the relationship for the most part, but recently my husband was acting distant and I could tell he was unhappy for some reason. I asked him about it and after some prodding he confessed that he was having doubts about our marraige.

 

I was totally taken aback by this. I've always made it a point to say "I love you" and other things so that we had a daily affrimation of love for one another....but I guess it was all one sided. I've always been happy with our relationship. I had no idea he felt this way. We had fallen in to a routine lately and I thought it was just a phase of the daily grind. Little did I know that it would balloon into something as serious as this so quickly.

 

Now we(he) are considering seperation.

 

Basically he said that maybe we married too young and for the wrong reasons. He had just moved to a new city and he missed having someone he knew around. I'll concede that him being in a new city alone probably accelerated the process of us getting married, but I never had any doubts that we would. He admits that it felt like the natural thing to do at the time...but apperently these doubts of his have been building since our first anniversary which was over a year ago. Now he tells me that all he can think about is having relationships with other people and dating other people. It's become an obsession for him that he's been trying to supress - hence the distance and unhappiness. Now the committment that he made is crushing him, not to mention the guilt of hurting me. I don't know why he thinks that dating other people would fill that hole. He has this idea of what life as a single guy would be like on a pedstal. I don't know what to do about these unrealistic expectaions of his.

 

I've done a good amount of thinking on the subject and I'm willing to admit a few things. Was it money problems - no, we both make a good living and we have no debts. Did we fight too much - no, we hardly ever fought. We have so many things in common, and he admits I'm probably as compatable as it gets. Did I become dependant on him - yes. Are we too isolated right now - yes (we live far from family and friends) But I also think a good part is his responsibility as well. If we are isolated it's because both of us made it that way. I don't see how us seperating solves that. As for becoming more independent, I'm working on that. I'm trying to be more independent - doing things on my own, activities for myself...I'm even joining an art class in the fall. Is it a lack of physical attraction - I don't know, it's not as if I've "let myself go" In fact, we both started working out together as a couple, we're in better shape now than when we were dating. It's never been an issue of jealousy or control for me. Up until now I was very trusting and I let him have his freedom, he just never chose to use it. Does he love me - yes, but I don't think that he is still "in love" with me anymore.

 

Life has been better since he told me how he was feeling, hopefully he didn't tell me to late and we can still save this marraige. He said he would try buy I don't know how much of that is out of guilt rather than genuine interest in saving our relationship. He's still affectionate, but we both know that there are issues out there.

 

I've suggested counseling and I am definitley going to go, but he seems very reluctant to go. I don't know how much of it is him being uncomfortable with the concept of counseling and how much of it is him wanting to avoid/work on the issues at hand.

 

I'm just afraid that it will be me making all the effort to save this marraige. I'm afraid that he will take the path of least resistance and just give up on us. I'm afraid that if hadn't seen how much the idea of us seperating hurt me, he would have left. I'm afraid he's not thinking about nearly as much as I am. If he's not willing to work at with me then there's nothing I can do to make him feel any differently. It kills me though, because I know it's a mistake we'll both regret. It's hard not to become obsessed with trying to resolve this. It's also hard to keep myself from smothering him, now that he told me his feelings I feel more needy than ever...

 

Just wanted to get my thoughts out there....any advice would be great. Thanks!

[niko1999]

The best thing I can tell you is that to give it time. Continue to do what youre doing, your own thing, and let him do his own thing. My mother went through something like this when she was pregnant with me 22 yrs ago. My father said almost the same exact thing to her that your husband said to you, that he thought they had married too young, ect ect. Well, my mom ended up doing her own thing, and 27 yrs later, they are still happily married. A similar thing happened to me and my bf as well, he told me that he loved me but wastn IN love with me, and I followed my mothers advice, started doing my own thing some, showing I was more indepenedent, I had made it without him before, and I could do it again, and five months later, we just celebrated our first year anniversary So right now, it seems youre doing the right thing, encrouage him to see freinds, and make freinds, and do the same thing yourself. It is possible to spend too much time together, and whatever you do, DONT force him, and dont nag him, as hard as it may be not to do, it would be THE worse thing to do. Though I dont speak as an older person, I do speak from experience. Best wishes to you, please keep us updated, everyone will be thinking of you

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Niko gave great advice. I think sometimes when people are in a committed relationship they get scared because it's alot of responsibility to continue to keep that relationship alive and responsibility scares people. It would appear easier to just go out and date other people because there isn't much responsibility in doing that. That maybe why your husband is hesitant to see a counselor because it would mean what ever advice the counselor gives you, he would have to be responsible in carrying it through. I don't know what you husband's past experience was with committing to things. Was he the type of person to give up easily on things?

 

If you both had been dating for 3 years before you got married, I hardly consider that a whirl wind relationship. That plenty of time to figure out if the person you're dating is someone you could spend the rest of your life with. Like Niko said, give it some time, continue to do your thing, and NEVER grow completely dependent on anyone including your marriage mate. That's a problem we women have. You still have to maintain some sense of independence. And ask him if he would like to continue on with the relationship, and if he says yes, ask him how does he suggest that things could be improved?

 

It's good not to bombarded him with questions, but to ask him how he feels this way you know that if things didn't work out, and I really hope they do, but if they don't, you can walk away knowing that you did all that you could do and you were a good wife.

[vanillabeans]

thanks for the advice!

 

I think his feelings fluctuate day to day. I had asked during one of our discussions about this whether he still had feelings for me and he said "I don't know". I also asked him if there wasn't times throughout the last year he thought to himself "I'm crazy, I do love this person..." and he said yes. I try not to talk about it with him too much, it's very draining for the both of us. Probably more so for me because it's so painful to hear and because I'm pretty much acting as a moderator on things. (he is soo lucky I'm pretty level headed about things and not prone to hysterics...for the most part:))

 

It's odd but our daily lives are pretty normal and affectionate for the most part, except I do feel that he has this urge to get out simmering beneath. Now I feel hyper anxious and intrepret his actions/words way too much.

 

I am afraid that he is the type of person that gets frustrated easily and gives up on things....which is worrisome. He is a great person over all and I think that I was made for him...I'm the yin to his yang.

 

I know the best thing is to give him some time, in the meantime I feel like I wish I could speed things up either way. I am trying to distract myself, but it's difficult to handle the feelings/fears that each day brings.

 

Thanks again, these forums definitely help. I'm comforted knowing that I'm not alone, that this has happened to other people, and I'm doing all that I really can do. I just wish that there was some sort of intervention that could give him a swift slap in the head and "snap out of it!"

[2SidestoStories]

By that I mean impatience. Life only happens a day at a time, and you should be absolutely sure to not waste any of those days wishing they were gone already; wishing that the logical end to your situation were to happen quickly. It's not going to be that way!

 

My advice is pretty simple: Enjoy what you have, don't sweat the small stuff, and above all else, believe in YOURSELF. Small stuff only matters when you let it pile up, after all. Making mountains out of molehills...that sort of thing. You're obviously an intelligent lady, and letting yourself fall into the pattern of "I wish THIS would happen NOW!" is quite dangerous.

 

I have my fingers crossed for you that it will work out for the best, whatever that may be.

 

Good Luck!

[vanillabeans]

Well this morning was our first appointment for counseling and I'm sorry to say only half of us showed up. My husband got skittish and refused to go the day before. He's pretty shy around new people and I guess telling a stranger his innermost thoughts was too much for him to handle. To be fair he did just start a new job and he is pretty stressed out about it, as well as the stress of this situation...(But c'mon, like it's not stressfull for me? I'm starting to thing men (my man) has a low tolerance for stress...)I'm hopefull that he'll eventually start going with me, but who knows. I found the session helpful. I did get him to agree to answer any questions that the therapist may have and the question for him/us today's question was:

 

What is my contribution to the marraige on a daily basis (not what did he/she do to me)? This in the context of affection, appreciation, attention, etc... And did I like how I was as a partner.

 

Other revelations from this morning were that basically he has some growing up to do and this is not an uncommen issue (relief). I just wish I didn't have to go through his growing pains with him. To be frank, he's been pretty selfish and he needs to mature and start thinking about what's best for us/me sometimes as much as himself. I also have been taking to much responsiblity of the situation. I need to stop making it too easy for him, basically. The reason he feels more relieved is that the burden of the issue has been taken from him and put on to me (thanks!)

 

Again, I need to be patient and let him think about things...I just have to make sure he doesn't put off and leave me hanging. That puts me in an awkward position, waiting for him to think things through and at the same time possibly not wanting to hear an answer. Well, like the other posts say, I can only control what I do....

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Thanks for keeping us posted. Going to counseling does take some getting use to. But continue to encourage him to go, and let him know what you're learning and how it's helpful to you. Like I said, regardless of what happens, you're proving yourself to be a very good wife, and you will be whether it's him that's your husband or someone else. But I would like to hope that both of you work things out.

[Velvet Eel]

If your relationship is happy in other respects (not much fighting, etc.), maybe your husband is simply bored. I don't mean that you are boring, just that he seems sexually restless. Imagining being with other women isn't about imagining a new marriage for himself, it's about having sex with someone else. As his wife, you are familiar and available. The chase is over. It's true that you don't have to solve all his problems, or make yourself miserable trying to re-engage him sexually, but if you could add some distance, mystery, and unpredictability to your life--not just in bed, but in general--you might be able to spark his interest again. Your main competition is his fantasy life. Try to win him away.

 

Just my two cents. Good luck!