Author confusedinkansas Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 his reaction to your affair really makes me wonder what is going on here. has your affair allowed him to justify his drinking?is he possibly not mad because he has also done this to you?why is he not willing to face the reality of the M and do the work necessary for it to be healthy? He was somewhat pissed at the beginning when he found out about the affair & hurt. But that lasted about 2 days & it was over. A little background on his personality - If you hurt someone today & you go to sleep - tomorrow is another day. Forget about it. He doesn't think that married people should say they are sorry to each other - because we are supposed to already know that the other person is sorry. This is why he gets mad at me when I bring up stuff from the past. He says I live in the past. I believe that things that have happened to us in our past are what molds & shapes us into the people we are today. He doesn't believe that. Anytime I bring up how things were before I left...He gets very angry & says "That was in the past, get over it - I'm not like that anymore" But that's the only thing I have to go on. We don't live together. I do know that every evening he is at the bar at least until 7. (there's no one to come home to so why go home - is his reasoning) I believe that he has had an affair - but he is a wonderful liar & I have no proof. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 Well, we are going to give it a shot.......31 years is way too long to just piss our relationship away. We've both agreed to try. I suppose that the good part about being apart for 6 months (well, sort of apart off & on) is that we both know now that we can do it alone. NOW..the question is - can we come back & do it together? We shall see......... Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Fantastic news - I also like to hear hope works and hear inspirational stories... Seems like 6 months is frequently the magic number in separations... Is that how hong it takes to get over the pain, then anger, then loneliness, then friendship, then desire to try again ? Let's hope so... Take it slow, relaxed, and just enjoy the time you have together. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 1 month for every year of pain. That's what they say. How has he changed? I have reservations. I was a complete loser prior to my wife leaving. In some ways I have made major transformations. What actions and changes has your husband implemented for his own benefit? Is he just saying one thing and doing another? Consequences are important for people to understand the need for change. The harder the head, the more difficult change can be. Consequences have to last for a long time and be very difficult before someone can recognize the need for improvement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted September 2, 2008 Author Share Posted September 2, 2008 TrustInYourself.......What do you mean "One month for every year of pain?" I have moved some of my things back to the house (3 car loads) & just like when I initially moved out - I am having second thoughts. (yes a long holiday weekend - which meant spending a lot of time together) - I am really struggling with whether I have made the right decision or not. I guess I see this as........I don't know if it's right or wrong to stay gone or go back....& visa versa - If that makes any sense - SO because I'm not sure I figured a 31 year relationship deserved one more shot. Which I am 100% committed to. (I told myself that I would just give it until January 2009 to see if things would work out) I gave my notice at my apartment & I am terrified. I'm not sure he's changed much at all now that I see him on a daily basis. Part of the old issues that were there are still there - - Which I won't go into now...... Perhaps maybe intense therapy for someone like me that has such difficulties making life changing decisions...Although I thought that after 3 months of counseling I felt better about this........or maybe anti depressant drugs.... today I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest & I can't stop crying at work. THIS SUCKS!! HOW does someone make such a huge decision without having second thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 Hubby & I are working on things - but it isn't all "Peaches N Cream"..not that I thought it would be. We still have lots of issues we are working thru. I'm not convinced that after someone moves out of a relationship - it's possible to get things back...or even to attempt to 'START OVER." Owl: I'm pretty sure he does know that I have contact with this man. OR did have during our separation. My "friend" has a girlfriend. He & I visit about her, his kids, family - etc. Nothing sexual. It's a weird "friendship" like I said in the other post. We haven't seen each other for months & the contact is mostly via short emails. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 I understand that the contact is "wierd"... ...but wouldn't you agree that the continued contact allows your online OM to meet some of your emotional needs for communication, etc...? Needs that your H SHOULD be fulfilling...but isn't given the chance to if you're allowing OM to do so. Not to mention...your H would be a complete idiot to trust any continued contact between you and OM...it sets the stage for you and he to resume as an emotional affair...say his GF dumps him for some reason...next thing you know, he'll turn to you for consolation...and off to the races it goes. There's no way for you to really rebuild your H's trust in you if you continue ANY kind of contact with this guy. And...in some small fashion...you'll be holding a small fraction of yourself BACK from investing in the marriage, because you're still keeping it invested in your OM. Make sense? Something for you to think about and consider. Thanks for responding to my questions, btw. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 Owl: I didn't leave my husband in for this OM. The OM & I have been apart as far as our affair is concerned for a year. It isn't really an option for he & I to be together. When I did leave my husband & got my own place, Yes, he & I did spend some time talking, having drinks etc. But the first contact after my separation I laid the law down...from my end. I would NOT cheat on or with anyone again. He understood that & has respected it. Even though he does tell me that this relationship with his girlfriend is HORRIBLE & I will always have a soft spot in my heart for him...I'm not going to go there again unless I am totally divorced & he is rid of his current situation. (for which I don't understand...if you are single, why stay with someone that you aren't tied to for any other reason besides sex?) I honestly don't think there is any hope for us anyway - Even if the situation was a perfect one. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 An emotional affair is a secret relationship that involves intimate sharings with some one other than a spouse. If a person is no longer confiding thoughts and feelings with his/her spouse, the individual is either in an emotional affair or ready for one. Does this definition apply to your situation? Discounting the merit of a long term relationship with the OM, doesn't invalidate the fact that you are still having an EA. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 It doesn't matter if this started as an affair or not...if you're still emotionally investing in this man, you're witholding that from your work on rebuilding your marriage. Its simple math. Link to post Share on other sites
GettingThere Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 It doesn't matter if this started as an affair or not...if you're still emotionally investing in this man, you're witholding that from your work on rebuilding your marriage. Its simple math. I have to say I agree totally. If you are investing even 1% in the OM emotionally you are witholding that from your attempts at reconciliation with your H and that is a recipe for disaster....You have to cut contact to have a real honest to God go at reconciliation Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted September 18, 2008 Author Share Posted September 18, 2008 Thank you for your advice. I know you are right. Even if it is a small amount of contact that I have with this OM. I suppose that we have fallen right back into our old patterns & attitudes. He does things that are inappropriate & then I figure - what the heck & I go ahead & so something inappropriate as well. NO I dont believe he is 100% committed to making this work - He has his own demons he's battling - I'm just not convinced there is enough love between us to get thru any of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted September 19, 2008 Author Share Posted September 19, 2008 Well - As with the title of this thread........Hope After Separation.....There isn't any. I think that IF people can manage to live under the same roof & try to work out their indifferences......they have a shot. BUT once you move out of the "family home" trying to go back- I believe - is next to impossible. I have been back home now for almost a month. I was told, don't get all caught up in this during the first month because it will be all peaches & roses because he'll try very hard at first.........NOT SO MUCH! In the last month - he has been DRUNK - probably 2 or 3 times during the course of a week. And, last night he hit my last nerve. We argued during the day,< we are both under a great deal of stress with our jobs right now & while we both try not to let it roll into our marriage, sometimes it's unavoidable.> So, anyway, we argued -- and as he has always done, after the agruement he went straight to the bar & got TRASHED! He phoned around 4 to see what he should pick up for dinner & by 5 when he phoned again to tell me he was going out later in the evening I would have swore the man had had a stroke. He couldn't form words. So, I stopped on my way home from work to see some friends & got home later in the evening. (7:00) He was home when I got there - so I asked him what time he was going out, he said, I'm too tired, I"m not going. 5 minutes later he asked me if I wanted to go with him when he went out later.......This behavior is very common with him. I believe he forgets what he has said within a matter of seconds after he says it. HOW ON EARTH do people have enough love in their hearts to love someone like this. That is SO distructive to themselves. My apartment is still available & it is looking more & more appealing by the day Link to post Share on other sites
Karma101 Posted September 19, 2008 Share Posted September 19, 2008 I am sorry you are going through this. I know how painful this situation is. I separated and reconciled with my own AH several times before finally divorcing him. This has much less to do with the difficulty of returning home after a physical separation, though that certainly poses problems of its own, and more to do with your H's alcoholism for which he is not seeking treatment. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I often wondered "How much worse can it get?" It got beyond anything I could have ever imagined, and continues to this day. Without true heartfelt recovery on his part and support in the form of Al-Anon, etc. on yours, your marriage will likely not get better. My advice is harsh and straight to the point... Get out. He is not changing his behaviors. You are compromising your happiness. You are enabling him, whether you realize it or not. "They" will tell you exactly what you want to hear, and may even alter their behaviors temporarily, to get what they want. And then the destructive behaviors begin again. You cannot change someone who does not want to change themself. PM me if you would like to talk more. There is a pretty good support forum for Friends and Family of Alcoholics which I can direct you to as well. Lots of good information and people there who are dealing with this nightmare daily. If I had to do it all over again, I would never in a million years have married my H had I known what our life together would entail. Never. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted September 19, 2008 Author Share Posted September 19, 2008 I'm sorry that you had to go thru it as well. No one should have to put up with issues such as these. I think I was just a fool to go back in the first place. He said he wouldn't change, that he was 48 years old & couldn't. To which I replied....Your drinking was a learned behavior....(he didn't have his first drink until his 30th birthday) I thought it would be OK as long as I was at home - he would realize I was serious about this & that I wanted to work on the marriage. I was wrong! Not only am I dealing with him, our son - who works in the family business & is with his dad almost every day - has also "Learned" this behavior. Thanks to good ole' dad, the 2 of them often ended up in the bars around 3:00 in the afternoon, or earlier during a work day. How they got away with I will never know. But now that my son is fighting a DUI issue & has no license - hubby has stopped these father/son field trips. Thank goodness!! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 19, 2008 Share Posted September 19, 2008 Alchohol addiction is a HUGE, HUGE deal breaker in most marriages. Clearly your H is an alchoholic...and if he's not ready to change, there isn't anything you can do but run for cover. Divorce under these circumstances is hardly surprising. I wouldn't recommend you stay...if he won't change, he won't change. All you can do is decide what you're willing to accept in your life or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted September 19, 2008 Author Share Posted September 19, 2008 All you can do is decide what you're willing to accept in your life or not. EXACTLY!!!!! doesn't mean it's easy - from the outside looking in it all makes perfect sense to leave. And, If I had a girlfriend in this situation I would tell her to run. I am thinking much clearer since I have been back there.....MUCH. And, realized how I didn't do it right the first time (being away).....We can only learn from our mistakes - so I keep telling myself. I gotta just stop beating myself up over this & get on with it. I've been waiting for him to change for way too long now. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts