Conclusion to "New here, need input.. "

[Gzus]

Ok, here is an update:

 

Holy ****, I dont know where to begin. I took off work Friday to be with her all day. We had some more intense / tearful talks and then the kids went down for a nap. We went into the computer room and had amazing sex. then talked for like an hour just laying there. Things felt so right for both of us. Then we went out to eat last night and my wife took a painkiller and we drank some at the japanese grill. Then we came home and had even better sex and were both blown away by it. My wife had her first 'penetration' orgasm (usually orgasms differently) in her life and it was amazing. We got the tattoo together later that night, around 11pm as we knew things felt perfect. Then Saturday, we spent the day together and I had to go coach games for a few hours. When I was coming home, I called her and told her I wanted her. Our kids were at my brothers and we had amazing sex again all afternoon. Then we grilled out and drank wine. We stayed up until about 3 am having the most mind blowing sex and intimate talks ever. We did things we've never done and were totally each other's fantasy.. My wife is having multiple penetration orgasms regularly and it is all due to our new bond, new level of sharing personal feelings, honesty and the fact that we never knew the extent of the 'dirty' sexual side of each other like this. Its been there all along and we just didnt know it. It is like a ****ing drug and I am totally sure (and so is she) this is right. Neither one of us can believe how intense our feelings are for each other. She says her feelings for this guy are nothing compared to what she is feeling now and she's not sad she can't talk to him anymore.

 

If nothing else, this event has made our connection so much stronger and our marriage is far more fulfilling sharing so much more with each other and finding a new closeness.

 

In the end, this event maybe saved our marriage long term.

 

Thanks everyone, we have never been happier!

[Touche]

Wow, Gzus! That's the best news!

 

Please let this be a lesson to you for the future. I mean I'm not saying your wife will do this again but other things are bound to come up during the course of your marriage.

 

Don't always be so quick to want to bail. People in long, successful marriages work things out like you both just did. But you came closing to bailing. So remember this for the future, ok?

 

I knew leaving in your particular case, was the wrong thing. Everything in me screamed that it was.

 

I love a happy ending. This is really great news. And thanks so much for updating.

[Gzus]

so, a few more weeks along and things are different, but pretty good. She and I are texting/flirting with EACH OTHER daily and I pay alot more attention to her. Alot more sex, alot better sex, etc.

 

I think this actually did us alot of good. The funny thing is, her ex and I have become friends. We email each other and have similar interests. He has told me he is very sorry and that he would never do it again. (he's married too) Just weird.

[bish]

SO .. apparently this was just the tip of the iceberg. My wife has been having a full blown emotional affair with her ex for over a month. He lives across the country so I know they have not seen each other. My space is the ****ing devil.

 

Last night, we talked, (because I went to a vasectomy consultation) and I said 'if there is any doubt in your mind about this, please tell me BEFORE I sterilize myself permanently'.. so she broke down and said the tattoo guy was just an ego boost, but that she had developed a real connection with her ex and got carried away by old feelings. So obviously I have no trust in my wife and I am trying to start the process of letting my love and feelings for her die.

 

I took my things and left last night, she was at my feet begging me not to leave.. but there is no way I can go back. She put her feelings ahead of our family, our kids and their future. Whatever this was, it must have been powerful. She says it rekindled old feelings from their unresolved relationshp which ended 10 years prior and she can't believe she let it happen.

 

I handed her my wedding band and told her it was a meaningless piece of ****. Its too bad my kids are the ones who are going to suffer. I really thought she was different and we always 'thought' we were meant to be because of the unusual and unlikely way we met and got together. But there is no way I can go back. I dont know how to go forward either, its going to be brutal leaving the life we built together.

 

Can anyone help me? I am in total agony right now..

 

I'd say you are doing exactly what you should do.

 

I fully understand the thing about leaving a life you built, but you aren't the one that pissed it away.

 

I can tell you that if you divorce her that it will be tough. And the fact that she is a woman, she WILL get custody unless she gives it to you or she is deemed unfit. Unfortunately, being unfaithful doesn't factor into it.

 

So it will be an adjustment only getting to see your kids once a week and every other weekend and yes, it sucks because you weren't the one that brought this down.

 

But there is light at the end of the tunnel my man. Get out there and start dating and you'll realize there are good women out there that won't betray you like she has.

 

The agony will pass, I can tell you that with all certainty. It gets better.

[bish]

Ok, here is an update:

 

Holy ****, I dont know where to begin. I took off work Friday to be with her all day. We had some more intense / tearful talks and then the kids went down for a nap. We went into the computer room and had amazing sex. then talked for like an hour just laying there. Things felt so right for both of us. Then we went out to eat last night and my wife took a painkiller and we drank some at the japanese grill. Then we came home and had even better sex and were both blown away by it. My wife had her first 'penetration' orgasm (usually orgasms differently) in her life and it was amazing. We got the tattoo together later that night, around 11pm as we knew things felt perfect. Then Saturday, we spent the day together and I had to go coach games for a few hours. When I was coming home, I called her and told her I wanted her. Our kids were at my brothers and we had amazing sex again all afternoon. Then we grilled out and drank wine. We stayed up until about 3 am having the most mind blowing sex and intimate talks ever. We did things we've never done and were totally each other's fantasy.. My wife is having multiple penetration orgasms regularly and it is all due to our new bond, new level of sharing personal feelings, honesty and the fact that we never knew the extent of the 'dirty' sexual side of each other like this. Its been there all along and we just didnt know it. It is like a ****ing drug and I am totally sure (and so is she) this is right. Neither one of us can believe how intense our feelings are for each other. She says her feelings for this guy are nothing compared to what she is feeling now and she's not sad she can't talk to him anymore.

 

If nothing else, this event has made our connection so much stronger and our marriage is far more fulfilling sharing so much more with each other and finding a new closeness.

 

In the end, this event maybe saved our marriage long term.

 

Thanks everyone, we have never been happier!

 

Ok, I guess scratch what I said above. If you think you will be happier and won't EVER think about what she did, then more power to you.

 

Good luck with that.

[Gzus]

well of course I'll think about it from time to time. I actually use the situation to talk dirty to her when laying the wood and get her all horned up. That could go either way, but Im enjoying myself right now and well see how it goes. Im not as emotionally invested as before and we've definitely opened up to each other on a whole new level. So its good, but Im not as naiive as before. Honestly, I told her if she wanted to **** another guy, that I would set it up for her. Its kind of a turn on, but she doesnt want to do it, so go figure. She is more interested in bringing a girl home with us, which Im totally fine with

[sandrawg]

OK, let me clarify some things.

 

You did not address the poster pointing out that YOU YOURSELF have flirted with women online.

 

Can you please address this please?

 

I don't understand why what your wife did is so much WORSE than what you did.

[sandrawg]

You did not address the poster pointing out that YOU YOURSELF have flirted with women online.

 

Can you please address this please?

 

I don't understand why what your wife did is so much WORSE than what you did.

 

Oops sorry-posted too soon and didn't read your last posts!

 

I'm glad things are working out for you.

[Gzus]

Aight, well its been months now..

 

Updates --

 

Things have gone very well since all the **** went down. I have eyed the phone bill like a hawk and I used some software on her laptop to keep an eye on things for a month or two. I havent talked to any other women and to my knowledge, she has made no efforts to contact any other men, the ex in particular.

 

The only slip was that about a month an a half ago she tried to look up an old flame on facebook and went to ex bf (the one she had the little ea fling with) blog page. The software told me this. She made no contact via ms, fb, email or the phone. It was a one time thing and I busted her. She said she was just curious as to what the blog was like (Whatever) and that the other 'old flame' was married with kids and she just wanted to know if he was still around. (****ing facebook)

 

Anyway, those are the only incidents since August and I dont think they were a big deal. I checked the sw, asked her about it and she admitted it. There was no attempt to deceive.

 

So I felt like **** about snooping and took off the software some time ago. Ive had no reason to check and she thinks I will know if she uses the computer to contact anyone. She hasnt to my knowledge, things have been really good, our sex life very good, our home life, our emotional life.

 

She says to me she is so ashamed for what she did, wishes she never took us to that place because she knows I dont fully trust her and that makes her feel like ****. She said " i hate myself for putting us in the place where you have to question me or us and I am afraid you will never be fully over it".. because I love her and want to continue to move on, I say "yes, I do trust you, but if I ever find out you have lied to me about this stuff again, I am out 100%".

 

So we are on the same page. We have taken some weekend getaways together, I quit smoking herb, we hang out every night in bed for a couple hours before going to sleep and have sex, watch tv, movies, whatever. Just our time, you know?

 

I think things are going to be fine. Of course in the dark corners of my mind I do wonder what her innermost feelings are, I know she wants to be with me and keep our marriage desperately.. and I know she loves me dearly.. because she has gone above and beyond to show me with actions how much I mean to her. But you know you can never totally forget and sometimes I wonder if it was because of me + the kids + family/etc, ie the 'whole' package versus this dude 2000 miles away in a bad marriage. I wanted to know for sure she wanted 'me' over 'him' .. but I guess you can never know for sure when so much other stuff is involved. Hard to separate 'me' from what all we have together.

 

But in the end, she is so affectionate to me and tries so hard to show me she loves me and wants to be with me I have to feel everything is working out for the best. I have monitored her activity without her knowledge to soothe my suspicions and found nothing except what I mentioned that one time, which really in my mind wasnt that big a deal. Our sex life has been great and we dont really fight much. I had told her if she wanted to f### another man I would set it up back when all this first happened, but after the dust settled we both agreed that's not what we want and it was all a weird fantasy in the wake of the summer issues. We talk a little dirty but that's it.

 

We've got a trip to Florida scheduled to take our girls to Disney soon and she and I are really excited about this.

 

So anyway, I just wanted to once again thank everyone here for your help, I really think things are going to be cool and wanted to drop an update.

 

If any of you think I should be more concerned than I am about the 'looking at ex bf's blog' and 'trying to look up old flame on facebook' things a couple months ago, let me know. I know via the software there was no contact and unless there is some other way of communicating with the ex a KL wouldnt detect, I have seen nothing incriminating.

 

I have chosen to trust her again, we'll see how it goes.

[Gzus]

A thing I forgot to say - one of her friends has gotten divorced and she's been the girl's friend during all her suffering. So she's seen up close how devastating divorce is to kids / family. And she has come to me so much saying ' I am so glad we made it thru, I will never do anything to hurt you again, I am 100% yours and love you so much, etc'.

 

One other thing I didnt mention - My wife never really goes out with her friends, if anything, she will go out with my girl cousins to the coffee shop for an hour or two to talk. Never out late, never drinking, etc. So I really have no reason to doubt her and her actions have suggested she is totally into me and our marriage and 100% remorseful. There has been a time or two where I have raised questions over a number I havent known on the phone bill and it has turned out to be a grandmother or aunt or something and i feel stupid. So I quit doing that, because it really upsets her that I question her over little things like that and she cries and says "its so my fault we are in this place and i dont blame you, I just hate that I did this to us ".. and I am like 'well I hear you, it sucks but will get better in time'. And when I found out who it was I felt stupid for bringing all that back, you know?

 

Anyway, its definitely scarred us, but not ruined us nor sucked the happiness from our marriage. We are pretty damn happy and lucky for the most part, I think.

 

Anyone have any suggestions, thoughts, etc? Anything I should be wary of? Should I forget about it?

[lamaman3]

Thanks for the update - forget about it if you can and stop snooping and worrying about who she likes better you or some guy. Those kind of behaviors will decrease her attraction to you - you want her to adore you - not like you because she has to or because its in the "contract." Focus on leading her, being her leader - keep up with the positive changes in your life. Avoid bringing up old demons. best of luck to you

[Gzus]

thanks man. I do appreciate the reply. Youre right.