"I will never love another like I loved him/her..."

[sunshinegirl]

I imagine for at least some of us, part of our breakup pain is the fear that we will never love someone else the way we loved our ex, or that we'll never have such rich experiences again, or we'll never feel that kind of happiness, chemistry, connection, etc again.

 

I find myself falling into this mental trap. So I thought I would remind myself of my own history:

 

My First Love: I was crushed, beyond crushed, when he dumped me. Couldn't FATHOM loving anyone else, ever, in life. Remember sitting on my sister's couch, blubbering in tears, begging her to promise me that I would be happy again and I would love again. She promised me I would. I was 28, by the way.

 

Second Boyfriend: He was 4000 times better than the first boyfriend, who turned out to be a bonafide narcissist, and homosexual besides that. This one was everything I ever wanted in a partner, but he dumped me after 6 months without much explanation. Again, I was devastated and convinced I would never love again, never meet anyone as "good" as him, never have such fun again. It took me a really long time to get over him - over a year. I was 31 when we broke up.

Third Boyfriend: This ending was somewhat less traumatic than the previous two, but I did love him and he did provide things that the others couldn't - a respect and care for me that hadn't existed before. This alone made him better than the previous guys. Again, when we broke up, I worried that I wouldn't find a better match for me.

 

Fourth Boyfriend: This is Eric, my current ex. I still get stuck in loops of "I'll never have the rock climbing / cooking / traveling / socializing companionship again" and "I'll never be as physically attracted to anyone again". It's for this crummy thinking that I remind myself that I have always had this fear, and I have always met someone new who intrigued me, interested me, was attractive to me, and made me happy (at least at a certain level).

 

Edited to add: in retrospect the only ex that I think I could, maybe, have had a happy life with is #2. The others would all have eventually made me miserable in some way and thus could never have been an appropriate long-term partner.

[carhill]

Being in love and being married has taught me two important lessons.

 

Each type/kind/iteration of love is unique and important.

 

One can love someone that they're totally incompatible with and sometimes that love goes away and sometimes it lasts for a lifetime, even if the relationship/marriage doesn't.

 

I've long understood that humans have an infinite capacity for love, empathy, caring and compassion and I've never feared "never feeling that way again". IMO, that's what comes from bringing such emotions from within, rather than gathering them from outside. From within, the well never runs dry, though it can get a bit low at times

[sunshinegirl]

I've long understood that humans have an infinite capacity for love, empathy, caring and compassion and I've never feared "never feeling that way again". IMO, that's what comes from bringing such emotions from within, rather than gathering them from outside. From within, the well never runs dry, though it can get a bit low at times

 

It's funny you say this because I too believe you can't really love others unless/until you are full of self-love. In spiritual terms it's having your own cup filled, and loving others from the overflow.

 

I have some deeper 'family of origin' psychological patterns in play (that I'm still unraveling) that seem to cause my own cup to almost run dry when I am rejected by someone I love. So even if I start out in a relationship with a full cup, I seem to choose men whose own cups aren't full so they can't or don't give me much back. That has a draining effect on me - I can't give give give give love and not get it back and still be whole and full.

 

I've always loved this exchange in the film Adaptation even though I can't imagine not needing or wanting to receive as much love as I give out:

 

Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.

Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.

Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.

Donald Kaufman: I remember that.

Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.

Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.

Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?

Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.

Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.

Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.

[shadowplay]

he film Adaptation even though I can't imagine not needing or wanting to receive as much love as I give out:

 

Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.

Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.

Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.

Donald Kaufman: I remember that.

Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.

Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.

Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?

Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.

Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.

Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.

 

This reminded me of a quote from "The Ballad of the Sad Cafe" by Carson McCullers:

 

Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love a fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else—but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.

 

It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him only pain.

[carhill]

Love freely given is without regret.

 

I tried this philosophy for the past year with my old friend and, upon reaching the end, felt really good about the process, where otherwise I might have felt rejected, used, or other negative terms. I actually talked with her about this yesterday, and used many positive terms about her current R, and the offerings were sincere and heartfelt. Acceptance is part of love

[CaliGuy]

It is the foolish belief we will never love another that much that keeps us from actually finding them...

 

Call it a self fulfilling prophecy...

[Trialbyfire]

Each LTR has been an improvement for the purposes of overall compatibility. None have been perfect, as I'm not perfect either.

 

Having said that, each LTR tempers you, in that you learn not to trust blindly and also learn what drives you, especially the difference between wants and needs.

 

ssg, you'll love again, if you allow yourself to. I currently struggle with this too. Completely skittish and gun shy! Give me a sniff of the nasty R word (relationship) and I'm out the bolt hole and clean over the mountains!

[sunshinegirl]

ssg, you'll love again, if you allow yourself to.

 

Thanks TBF. Deep down, I know I will too.

 

Maybe the real fear isn't whether I'll love again, but whether I will BE loved equally in return.

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks TBF. Deep down, I know I will too.

 

Maybe the real fear isn't whether I'll love again, but whether I will BE loved equally in return.

You are very lovable. Plse don't feel that way.

[Nevermind]

Sunshinegirl: you are a radiant beauty. Your soul shines through with every post I read of you. You will be loved, and the ones you will love back - those are truly lucky people. Don't fear.

[CaliGuy]

Thanks TBF. Deep down, I know I will too.

 

Maybe the real fear isn't whether I'll love again, but whether I will BE loved equally in return.

 

You will when you meet the right one. Sometimes it just takes a little more trial and error than we'd like.

[nopainnogain]

As long as the next woman in my life doesnt scratch my car, throw pizza at me , lie,or cheat will already be miles ahead of my ex

[BillClam]

For some reason or another, I actually like this post, so I'd like to thank you, it shows that though there will be more heartbreak (more than likely) a person can learn to mature from it and keep the ball rolling their life.

[sedgwick]

I definitely feel that way about the current ex, that I'll never love like that again. I felt like that once before, though, and I eventually did, but it took me a really long time. Between my first true love and my second it was 13 years. (The first I was 23.) So yeah, it really sucks and it's really hard, but you do eventually get over them. At least that's what I'm telling myself!

[Mending1985]

This is exactly how I feel at the moment. My ex is a perfect match for me, he's everything I ever wanted in a man, and I can't imagine meeting anyone who equals him, let alone is more suited for me!

I guess thats why I don't allow myself the time to get over him - if I still love him, then I don't have to worry about loving someone not as special.

[nopainnogain]

Basically ppl feel they will never find anyone better because they still have their ex on that darn pedastal.

[Rooster_DAR]

"I will never love another like I loved him/her..."

 

 

Yup, I know exactly how you feel. Such an empty feeling if you will.

[Peter_pan]

i am actually not worried about loving someone as much as the ex, as i no it is entirely possible since i was never sure about the ex, however being away from her makes me realise how strong my feelings really where toward her.

i wish i could have felt them sooner

 

what i do worry about is finding someone as "fit" or attractive. so i can say hah, one nil to me type scenario.

 

no i am not shallow. it makes me realize i could have had everything, the whole package with the ex. i just couldn't see it. thats what hurts alot. the regret.

[sunshinegirl]

You are very lovable. Plse don't feel that way.

 

Sunshinegirl: you are a radiant beauty. Your soul shines through with every post I read of you. You will be loved, and the ones you will love back - those are truly lucky people. Don't fear.

 

Thank you both. Those are very sweet things to say and it means a lot coming from two posters whose comments I always look forward to seeing. I appreciate it.

 

You will when you meet the right one. Sometimes it just takes a little more trial and error than we'd like.

 

Thanks CaliGuy. I love your optimism.

 

I need to work on my man-picker. I have been picking men unable to love or unavailable in some other fatal flaw kind of way. Only one of my four boyfriends ever actually told me he loved me. And that was the gay one!

[sunshinegirl]

Basically ppl feel they will never find anyone better because they still have their ex on that darn pedastal.

 

This is for darn sure.

 

And/or, consciously or not some people don't think they deserve more/better.

[motive2002]

Basically ppl feel they will never find anyone better because they still have their ex on that darn pedastal.

 

I've been giving this a lot of thought today. Is it a pedestal, or a person? The loss of my ex, and the no contact thing really feels like I've lost a member of the family. Everyone is unique. She is irreplaceable. One of a kind.

 

So I guess it's all down to me allowing myself to love someone else. It's like the love I have is a focused beam. It hits one person with full strength, and suddenly others in my life are feeling the cold, and the person within the beam is overwhelmed.

Gotta figure out how to diffuse that beam.

[D-Jam]

I think there's truth to the statement "I will never love another like I loved him/her..."

 

I look at things as every new significant other is a new person and new experience. The love will be different, but it doesn't mean it won't be as strong or stronger than the past.

 

Besides, the phrase is really more uttered when someone's coping with a breakup. Only time to worry is when he/she is saying that, but it's been years since the breakup and is dating someone new. When they basically date this person but believe their heart is still with that ex.

 

Ouch...get over it.