Love of my life wants to get back together after I have moved on...

[bayouprincess]

Hi All. I am in need of some advice. My situation is alot like many of yours that I have read in the Second Chances Forum.

 

Have you ever just clicked with somneone and knew right then and there that they were your soulmate? Until I met this man (we will call him B) I never believed in any such thing. Now I am not a young girl searching for love, I am 36 and have been married and divorced for now 6 years. So you would think that I would have known love, right. Well nothing could even compare or prepare we for what existed between me and B. It was that intense and wonderful.

 

Well on the story. Me and B were together for about 1 year but forced to live in two seperate states because of the Hurricane in 2005. We continue doing the long distance thing for over a year. In November, 2006 after much debate I decide to move to NC (the state in which he is stationed) so we can be together once and for all. The plan was to move up there after the beginning of the year 2007. Plans did not quite work out like either of us expected and hurtfull things were said and done. In April, 2007 we pretty much stopped talking. Now this thing might sound like I handled this well, but I did anything but, like I said this man I knew was the love of my life. So I really was devastated and heart broken. Lucky for me my friends and my family were there for me and I learned to deal and move on with my life without B.

 

In December, 2007 I began dating a man that I have know for a while, we will call him A. My life is pretty good and I really do love A. Of course every couple has issues, but for the most part pretty good.

 

In July, 2008 I get a email from B. Can I tell you how shocked I am. It was a nice email just saying hi and catching up kind of thing. I respond after much deliberation, because after all of this I dont hate him, not sad anymore and I have meanded those wounds. We talk as friends via email and about a week later he calls me. Okay that really freaked me out. Well he gets to the real reason he initiated contact agaion and that was to say that he loves me, always has, has been in love with me from day one. get the picture, same feeling I had so long ago. He says how sorry he is and how things went so wrong, that he regrets so many things and many decisions he made and then regrets making making the ones he should have made.

 

Is it possible to trust again and believe that two people are somehow meant to be together? Or is that just my female imagination running away from me?

 

Then what about A. I do love him and we are very happy. But I am strong enough to say this, me and A will never share the love and passion that me and B have shared. But in the long run does that really matter? Should I be happy that me and A have a great life together and are happy, because really doesnt passion fade after a while anyway?

 

I know this is alot to swallow and I have left alot of things out, but I really need some advice and help.

 

Can a man a year a half later decide that he really does want and love the person he left behind more than a year ago? And if so, is this a rational decision or one in which I should weary of?

 

Confused and Lost!!!!

[Ronni_W]

Can a man a year a half later decide that he really does want and love the person he left behind more than a year ago?

It is POSSIBLE for a man...or a woman to feel like that -- but those feelings, thoughts and beliefs are also based in how things were 18 months ago. They do not take into account the inevitable changes that both parties have since undergone (in personal growth, needs, desires, etc.), or actual current conditions and realities.

 

Is your current relationship strong enough for you to level with your guy about what is going on?

When I was in the same situation, I put it (to my current b/f) as accurately as I could, along the lines of ... some old karma and krap resurfacing for me that I had to take care of, and that did NOT in any way threaten us.

 

Sure enough, it turned out that the past was the past...and that's where it belonged and that's where I ended up leaving it.

But, if I hadn't explored it when the (first) guy reappeared, I might still be carrying doubts and delusions about the utter uniqueness of our "love and passion" -- it turned out, happily, to have been totally extinguished.

[nowhereman82]

This is a really tough call. A lot of people here would tell you an ex is an ex and to move on.

 

But if you know deep in your heart this person is the one for you...how well will your current relationship go in the long run? Are you planning to marry your current man? If not then there are other fish in the sea and personally I say see if there is anything there with you and your ex. Love is a strange thing.

 

Keep us posted.

[Angel1111]

I agree that this is a tough call but you don't really say what happened in early 2007. I think a lot would depend on that and what he did - because it sounds like he's the one who hurt you.

 

I dated someone like this once and we broke up at one point and then got back together about 3 mos later. But nothing was the same between us and that magic we once had was gone. I didn't anticipate that. But I also knew someone else who felt like a soulmate but he was married and we never got together. But if he came back into my life now and wasn't married, I would jump at the chance to be with him. It has been almost 15 yrs since I've seen him but there are just some people you never forget. I think, for me, going back would determine how things ended with us. If they were really hurtful or bitter, I'm not sure I could go back. If they just ended because circumstances were wrong, that's different.

 

I would just caution you to be very careful with this because if you tell your current bf about it he'll know that you have some doubts about your relationship with him, no matter what you decide about your old bf. I would break up with someone who felt that way, and he may do the same. So you could end up losing in both ways.

[bayouprincess]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I initially did not want to go into everything but since it appears that each of you have been faced with this in some sort I am going to eleborate further.

 

A (the man now) and I do live together we got a house together in May of this year. Like I said we have been friends for a long time and then realized that more was between us, but proceeded very cautiously in the beginning because of past hurts. A really does know almost everything about me and loves me for all of my strenghs and weaknesses. He does know about B. He knows that B was the love of my life, he knows I was moving to NC to be with him and that we were talking about getting married in 2006. He also knows that B has contacted me and that we have spoken. He did not mind at first, but he recently saw how much B calls and texts and he is very defensive about that. For that I can not blame him, in fact I would probably have hit the roof long before he did.

 

B has recently told me that he is coming in town for our college's first game of the season. He bought me a ticket and wants me to meet him for the weekend. I must tell you that I want to go. I want to see him and make sure that it is over and be able to come back home and spend my life with A. That is where my lines get crossed because I have always been very weak in the willpower section where he is concerned.

 

B has hurt very bad and there is still a scar on my heart where he hurt me. But I actually forgave him a long time along, but I will never forget. This is what happened. In August 2006, we got back together. I actually went to NC and lived for 3 months (kind of like a test the waters situation, to make sure we could live together) before I moved halfway across the country. We came back home for Thanksgiving in 2006 and as we discussed I decided to stay here until the beginning on 2007 so I could get all of my affairs in order. The second week in December he is told by a female that he went on one date with in June, 2006 that she is pregnant with his child. He says there is no way it is mine, etc. He had a vasectomy 4 years earlier. He then goes and gets tested by the male doctor and is informed that there are "a few swimmers" so the pregnancy is possible, but really not probable. Okay this man is very respectful an officer in the military, the whole gentleman and will always do what in his gut he think is the right thing. He tells me that he wants me to wait to move up there until after the baby is born to make sure that he is not the father. That if he is the father he is going to try and give that relationship a try for the sake of the baby. (Kills me saying that still today). Okay time goes on and we talk every now and then maybe once a week for the next 3 months. It hurt to much. The baby is born at the end of March. The baby is not his. I knew that from the beginning and so should he. But anyway. He did not call me the day he found out about the baby not being his. He called me like 2 weeks later and in the discussion told me the news. I was kind of pissed he did not call me then but gave him the benefit of the doubt that he needed decompression time, etc. But then instead of saying baby lets try to pick up where we left off, he said that he is really in a funk right now and needs some time by himself. That was in April, 2007. We have not really spoken since then until recently when all of this came back into my life.

 

 

Now you each know the entire story. And let me say this again. I love A and am in love with him. I never want to do anything to hurt him or to do anything to damage the life we have together. However, that being said I know if I dont go see B, then I will regret it and always question what might have been. As I said before I know this man is the love of my life. Is there a way to get some sort of closure from him and be able to put the past where it belongs? Or if I go to see him will I fall back into what we had and really mess up my life as it is now.?

[Angel1111]

So he slept with someone else while the two of you were in a long-distance relationship? If I'm understanding this right, then I'd say no, I wouldn't be able to overlook that. Forgive it maybe, but not to the point that I'd be in a relationship with them again. If I'm misunderstanding something, let me know. And then the casual way that he told you about it, and didn't take any steps to be with you afterward says that he was putting you off for reasons that had nothing to do with the baby. So when you say he feels like a soulmate, do you mean that you both feel this way, or is it just one-sided? I'm not sure he's on the same page, even if he is contacting you after all this time. Just my thoughts.

 

As far as needing to know how you feel about him, I'm not sure I'd go to the game with him but maybe just meet him somewhere for a drink. You'll be able to tell a lot about things just by doing that. And sends him the message that you're not this hopeless little sap who hops whenever he makes a request.

 

I can definitely understand your bf's reaction and I hope you won't do anything to ruin what you have now. Because I don't think your former bf will be worth it.

[Ronni_W]

There were high emotions around the time he was waiting to do the paternity test...for BOTH of you. After he got the results, it is possible that there was room for you to show more understanding and compassion for what he had gone, and was going, through -- after all, becoming a parent would have forced him to redefine and redesign all of HIS life's dreams and goals...much more so than you, if one looks at it from a neutral observation point.

 

That sets things up so that you can find forgiveness and closure with or without him. But...

 

Yes, it sounds as if you do risk regretting it if you don't follow-up with B. I would recommend scheduling a couple of hours for the first meeting, rather than a weekend -- how would that go over with A, in any event?

 

Given the time lapse since you last saw B, and that you are happy in your current relationship it might be that you won't be compelled to fall into old patterns. You can somewhat protect from that possibility by deciding ahead of time what your goals and intentions are for the meeting.

But honestly, you won't know until you get there. That is just one of the risks.

 

If B really is the love of your life (and you are his), then you owe it to yourself and to him to do more work to overcome the pain that you still feel about that past incident. You recognize that he is a respectable man and, at that time, he was willing to sacrifice his Heart's Desire (you!) in order to live up to his self-image of what a "respectable" man would do. Again from a neutral viewpoint, that is worthy of admiration and respect. His thoughts about it are worthy of forgiveness, IMO.

 

NOT that I agree with what he was willing to do for the sake of "respectability" -- IMO, those were some misguided thoughts on his part -- but I absolutely do understand where he was coming from, and I cannot help but appreciate and admire his ability and willingness to do what is, in HIS mind and heart, the "right thing".

In your shoes, I would also consider it a demonstration that he would do the same thing for me -- you'd always be able to trust and count on him to live up to his values and principles, I mean.

 

Go and see him. Be open and allow your heart to feel whatever it will. If you do have a future together, IMHO, much will depend on you really working past any lingering pain, anger, resentment, unforgiveness, etc., from the unfortunate past.

 

Best of luck -- no matter how it ultimately turns out, I wish for you an incredibly loving and passionate future .

 

EDIT TO ADD: When I was in the situation, I determined that talking about it with my current b/f (your "A") would be mean and selfish of me. I asked if he needed to know anything else about it, and he said didn't. If you'll need to talk, probably best with a friend or therapist, is my thinking.

[Angel1111]

There were high emotions around the time he was waiting to do the paternity test...for BOTH of you. After he got the results, it is possible that there was room for you to show more understanding and compassion for what he had gone, and was going, through -- after all, becoming a parent would have forced him to redefine and redesign all of HIS life's dreams and goals...much more so than you, if one looks at it from a neutral observation point.

 

I would agree with all of this except that it seems he slept with someone else while they were still in a relationship. This does not reflect well on him at all.

[sienna_2008]

There were high emotions around the time he was waiting to do the paternity test...for BOTH of you. After he got the results, it is possible that there was room for you to show more understanding and compassion for what he had gone, and was going, through -- after all, becoming a parent would have forced him to redefine and redesign all of HIS life's dreams and goals...much more so than you, if one looks at it from a neutral observation point.

 

I totally agree w/ Angel1111. If anything, he should have shown more "understanding and compassion" for HER - she was the one who, after several months, had to face the facts that the "love of her life" had obviously previously cheated while in the relationship -- and that life for HER would change the minute the baby was born. He put her through a lot of drama that she didn't deserve. Can't be easy to face the face for 9 months that your boyfriend had cheated on you. It's beside the point that he was ready to "do the right thing" - he wouldn't have been in that position (or her) had he been faithful and trustworthy - so no sympathy or pats on the back to him for all that.

 

This is all a very tough situation.

 

Does B know that she is in a live-in relationship? I ask because I find it odd that he'd send her a ticket and ask her to meet him and spend a weekend with him.

 

Personally, having been in a situation like she's in -- I would not give B the time of day. What he did would forever remain in my mind and I'd never fully be able to trust him. He had his chance, he blew it way back then.

[Ronni_W]

I would agree with all of this except that it seems he slept with someone else while they were still in a relationship.

Regardless, she said that she's forgiven him. And if she doesn't want to stay stuck over his indiscretion, then that is her prerogative, IMO. More importantly, if they are the loves of each others' lives and ought to be together, then let's HELP THEM successfully reconcile...why focus on the thing that might drive them further apart? It doesn't sound as if she needs us to remind her of what happened.

 

She also said, "In August 2006, we got back together." -- he'd had sex with someone else in June 2006 -- they may have been broken up at that time.

[BackonTrack]

I must say I have just read your post and I am appauld. If I was your current BF, I would get rid of you in a heart beat. For you even to be thinking about someone else, it means your not 100% in love with your current guy. For you to be even thinking about going to meet him, for whatever purpose, I would ditch you in a heartbeat.

 

The past is a past for a reason & it should stay that way, however you are weak for your ex and more than likely he is #1 in your heart. I say go for it.

 

Worst case, you loose both of them.

Best case, you gain the love of your life.

 

Pick one.

[sunshinegirl]

It's troubling to me that B seems to be asking you to spend an entire weekend, a romantic weekend, with him. Does he not know you're in a relationship?

 

It seems to me that he should have more respect for you and your relationship than to suggest such a thing. IMO, it would have been more honorable for him to suggest a 1-hour MEETING, without romantic overtones, for you to talk things through. The big risk of spending an extended period of time together is, of course, that passion will take over and you'll start making decisions with your loins and emotions instead of your head.

[bayouprincess]

hi again all. Just just back online. Okay let me clear this part up. When B went out on the date in June, 2006 we were in contact, etc., but were keeping things very open. He was dating and so was I. It was not until August beginning of September, 2006 that we deicded to make things more exclusive.

[bayouprincess]

I have read the most recent posts to my issue and honestly everyone I do thank you for your thoughts. However, I can honestly say that I really dont need the degrading:

 

BackonTrackI must say I have just read your post and I am appauld. If I was your current BF, I would get rid of you in a heart beat. For you even to be thinking about someone else, it means your not 100% in love with your current guy. For you to be even thinking about going to meet him, for whatever purpose, I would ditch you in a heartbeat.

 

 

 

Dont you think that I have thought about that? However, if you really read my issue from the beginning you would see that I continously state how much I love A, etc and that I confused about going to meet B for the simple reason that if I dont I will regret it and then always wonder. If you are always wondering then no matter what you are leaving in the past and cant be happy in the future. Hence, trying to put the past behind me and getting closure would mean that I am free to completely 100% give my heart and my life to A. And lets face it, can anyone really say that they are not draging around baggage from their past? I am trying to actually move past that and live the life that I currently have.

 

As for the weekend issue, it is not inorder for us to spend a romantic weekend. It is because the college game is over 3 hours away from where I live and 13 hours from where he lives. He is bringing some friends with him on the drive and is staying at a friend from the military's house in the area. Me and my best friend (who I asked to come for moral support and also who I asked B to purchase a ticket for) will be staying in a hotel and will meet them for tailgating prior to the game (which honestly is the most fun anyway - cause this game is going to be a slaughter.) anyway just my opinion.

 

But once again I do truly appreciate all of the objective advice and each of you have given me issues to address for myself. Thanks.

[Eyeofthoth]

You are probably done listening to replies here, but I just have to chime in:

 

This is a very painful thread for me to read, since in the recent travesty of my life, I am "A" and my now ex-boyfriend is currently (or at least as of a month ago when we last spoke) dating "the possible love of his life," the ex-fiance, who would be "B."

 

There are some differences, i.e., the ex-boyfriend would not deny that he and I had very high passion and great love. Neverthless, "B" who he swore was over, over, over, came back in and he just had to go check it out.

 

We also had great, deep, open communication, and he pretty much told me exactly what Ronni_W told her current bf when the scenario came up for her, i.e.:

 

There was some old karma and krap resurfacing for [him] that [he] had to take care of, and that did NOT in any way threaten us.

 

I was the ultra-understanding gf. He said he just had to go up and have lunch with her . . . and I waited.

 

Well, he came back and said he had to pursue it further, wanted to switch over to being "friends" with me. He said he knew he might be making "the biggest mistake of his life," but he had to do it.

 

So one point I am making is that you cannot pretend that it doesn't threaten the current relationship. It sure as **** does.

 

Having said that, if I loved someone I would always tell them to go and see about the situation. I would never want to be with someone who had unresolved questions like this.

 

Even in my situation, I strongly suspect that the drive to resume that former relationship will burn out soon if it has not already. Based on the stories I had heard, that relationship was trashed and not meant to be. (Of course, this could just be my wishful thinking.)

 

My other point here is that going to see "B" once may not resolve anything. It may just bring old feelings further to the front. You might feel compelled (like my bf did) to pursue it further. Any maybe you have to do that. We all have to do what we have to do.

 

Just be sure to consider that you will be causing "A" extreme pain if you continue to pursue this. No matter how it works out, you will damage your relationship with "A" severely.

 

How do you feel about causing "A," who you claim to love, extreme pain? Pain that, if you decide to pursue things further with "B," will no doubt be unrelenting, all-consuming, and life-shattering for at least a couple of months? (Well, I am just speaking for myself here. It's been more than a couple of months and I am still way messed up.)

 

Maybe it can't be helped though, and maybe if you and "A" really belong together, you might survive your sojourn with "B."

 

Oh and one more thing that I relate to here: It sounds like you had a mostly long-distance relationship with "B." Same with my ex-bf and the ex-fiance. I strongly believe that sometimes long-distance relationships "feel" extra-passionate because you are always missing each other. A relationship that starts out passionate but becomes more secure feels different. To me it happens to feel better, but I don't think that is true for everyone.

 

There is a possibility that your relationship with "A" feels less passionate because the two of you are actually closer. Fleeing something like this to investigate something more distant is commonly known as "fear of intimacy" or "fear of commitment." I am just a junior shrink, but try it on and see if it fits.

 

And maybe "A" is a fool like me. I can't see myself with anyone else now, and I am still hoping this is just a detour.

 

And I know I am a complete and utter idiot.

 

I'm sure this clarifies things for you not one bit : )

[Ronni_W]

I was the ultra-understanding gf. ... if I loved someone I would always tell them to go and see about the situation. ... We all have to do what we have to do. ... and I am still hoping this is just a detour.

And I know I am a complete and utter idiot.

Actually, I'd say that your perspective is as close to "unconditional love" as I've seen in this or any forum...or in real life, too. For me, that is the complete opposite of "idiocy" -- and your 'shrinking skill's are pretty good, too .

 

I am sorry for your experience. I haven't been on your side of it, so I can only imagine. I do know that I am forever grateful for my bf's understanding and support...for his capacity to love me unconditionally, as you are loving your ex. That type of acceptance and allowing is highly attractive...magic and magnetic, in my experience. I hope it turns out the same for you -- since that is what you are hoping, too. I hope that he will realize what he will be forfeiting.

 

OP, I'd strongly urge you to not only read but feel Eye's words, as they relate to what "A" is already experiencing, and may experience in the future. She is correct that one meeting likely will not be sufficient to gain all the information and clarity that you'll need, nor get proper insight into all the feelings and (new) questions that no doubt will arise.

 

For me, everything with KarmaGuy was always weird and warped, anyway. So I actually was 100% certain that he was not a threat to my then-current life -- I knew beyond doubt that I would not allow him to become that (again.) If you are even the tiniest bit doubtful, then of course do not promise "A" that. Of course, be as honest with yourself and with him as is within your power.

[BackonTrack]

I have read the most recent posts to my issue and honestly everyone I do thank you for your thoughts. However, I can honestly say that I really dont need the degrading:

 

BackonTrackI must say I have just read your post and I am appauld. If I was your current BF, I would get rid of you in a heart beat. For you even to be thinking about someone else, it means your not 100% in love with your current guy. For you to be even thinking about going to meet him, for whatever purpose, I would ditch you in a heartbeat.

 

Dont you think that I have thought about that? However, if you really read my issue from the beginning you would see that I continously state how much I love A, etc and that I confused about going to meet B for the simple reason that if I dont I will regret it and then always wonder. If you are always wondering then no matter what you are leaving in the past and cant be happy in the future. Hence, trying to put the past behind me and getting closure would mean that I am free to completely 100% give my heart and my life to A. And lets face it, can anyone really say that they are not draging around baggage from their past? I am trying to actually move past that and live the life that I currently have.

 

I've just re-read your post. Your going to see this guy no matter what anyone tells you. Good Luck. Your justifications are not good.

 

Let me tell your situation encase you don't know what it is.

 

"I still love my EX, he broke it off a few years ago, I never forgot about him, he was the love of my life but I'm with someone now, I love him, but not in the same way I loved my EX, I am willing to hurt him, throw him away and replace him if only, if only there is still chemistry between me & my ex."

 

Your justification in this case only servers on purpose. To absolve guilt in the likely event you do fall for your EX, wow sweety, your alibi is already set up.

 

So you've covered GUILT?

But thats only the first part,

 

Be sure to keep your current guy on a string in case things don't work out with the ex.

 

Good Luck Hunny, be sure to keep us all updated.

[Eyeofthoth]

Thanks Ronni --

 

I do love him unconditionally, and I think he knows that now. Unfortunately that is not going to be enough to get him back. I just had a conversation with him tonight -- the first in about 6 weeks. I just had to call him, and I'm not sorry I did, but this is the condensed version of how it went . . .

 

He knows he did something "wrong" in breaking up with me, but he was torn and had to make a decision . . .

 

He is not re-engaged to the ex-fiance, but they are "going strong." (I know it is just a weekend thing, as she lives an hour and a half away.)

 

He thinks about me and misses me, but he pushes those feelings down because he cannot be with two people. . . He wishes he could, but he knows that would be even more wrong than what has already happened.

 

He agrees with my "psychoanalysis" of him that he is able to shut off his feelings in a scary way that results in him seeming "cold-hearted" (his words) and he thinks it has something to do with feeling abandoned in childhood (could be true -- his father died suddenly when he was 10)

 

We had a good conversation and our connection was the same as ever -- he commented that "we can tell each other everything."

 

And I am nowhere . . .

 

I do hope the OP comes back and tells us what happened.

[Ronni_W]

...able to shut off his feelings in a scary way that results in him seeming "cold-hearted" (his words) and he thinks it has something to do with feeling abandoned in childhood (could be true -- his father died suddenly when he was 10)

Yes, perhaps there is something like that going on for OP, as well -- after all, who among us does NOT have some unhealed "stuff" from childhood???

 

BUT. My dad died suddenly when I was 13. It (childhood trauma) is NOT an excuse that we get to use forever, to "explain" our adult dysfunctions. Good lawd, once we realize all the maladapted coping strategies that resulted from our childhood experiences, we owe it to OURSELVES to do the work to change our (misguided) beliefs, thoughts and behaviours. IMHO.

 

Otherwise we're just resigning ourselves to the SAME patterns and problems being repeated in every relationship -- whether that be with a "soul mate", or very good friend, or parent/sibling. It makes no sense to me.

 

Hopefully OP (and your ex) will start to do what is ultimately in their very best interests.

[shadowplay]

I only read your first post, so my opinion may change when I finish the thread, but my first inclination is to say "go for it." Even if this man isn't the love of your life, because you believe that he is, you will always wonder "what if" until you actually test that belief by seeing him again. You will be sparing yourself a lot of misery by just finding out rather than feeling regret for years. You only live once.

 

Now let me finish the thread...

 

EDIT: Just finished the thread. I still say GO FOR IT. Good luck, whatever happens.

[Eyeofthoth]

Originally posted by Ronni_W:

It (childhood trauma) is NOT an excuse that we get to use forever, to "explain" our adult dysfunctions. Good lawd, once we realize all the maladapted coping strategies that resulted from our childhood experiences, we owe it to OURSELVES to do the work to change our (misguided) beliefs, thoughts and behaviours. IMHO.

 

Otherwise we're just resigning ourselves to the SAME patterns and problems being repeated in every relationship -- whether that be with a "soul mate", or very good friend, or parent/sibling. It makes no sense to me.

 

 

This is so true. I don't want to make excuses for him, but I don't think he had any idea of what was going on with him while it was going on. I do know that he felt insecure in the relationship with me though -- for a lot of reasons, including that I was more educated than him, had more money than him, went into the relationship more slowly than he did, had to be pursued a little bit, etc. . .

 

And of course the utter irony is that I fell so hard for him over time that I feel I will never get over it. I know that is not true, but it will definitely take me a lot of work.

 

Also walking away is so hard. I have this idea about fighting for something if it is worth it. Is this worth it? He is messed up, but aren't we all?

 

Once in my younger years I was in a little bit of the reverse situation. I had a boyfriend I really loved and had been with for a long time, and we were having some problems which led to him eventually cheating on me with someone (Let's call her "C" ). After a few months of craziness, this bf ended it with "C" and chose me over her unequivocally. Even though it was a situation where I was not entirely blameless, I could not forgive him. I am not saying I should have forgiven him or shouldn't have -- who knows, but what happened is that "C" hung in there and played the understanding friend after he dumped her --- and guess what -- they have been married for years now, apparently happily.

 

I have never really fought for anyone before, and I want to fight for him.

 

Of course, I have no idea how I would do this, since I doubt he will be contacting me as he knows this would be wrong -- wrong to take support from me when he has chosen someone else.

 

I don't think I can really do anything except try to get over him and move on. Is there anything else I can do?

 

It really sucks. If I go NC, he will do that pushing me out of his memory thing until I am just a faded postcard.

 

I have really hijacked this thread . . .

[Ronni_W]

"C" hung in there and played the understanding friend -- they have been married for years now, apparently happily.

Well, "C" in your story is "A" in the OP's story. And perhaps OP has hope or evidence that A has a similar capacity, if it comes to that, to remain in the wings and be prepared to resume the relationship at a future date.

At the same time, I would caution OP that A may end up moving on and, by the time things with B stop working, A may no longer be available to pick up any pieces.

 

So...thread back on track

 

For what it's worth, though, I think your thinking is sound -- nothing else you can do at this point. (((hugs))) BUT...who knows? Perhaps the time will come around for you again, and you'll have opportunity to make choices and decisions that will serve your then-current desires best.