Long and Messy- !

[Jonesey]

Hi everyone. I have been lurking on the board since my wife left on July 5th of this year. I have done what I feel is the best thing for me as far as how I have handled the situation. But, I am sure I did not do things the way I needed to get my wife back. But, recent news about our son has really thrown me through a loop and I am not handling all of this very well.

 

Here's my story...

 

W and I been together for 7 years, married for 4 of them. Relationship started quickly and I moved into her apartment after about one month from our first intimate encounter (2002). Things were fabulous for about a year and a half. We were very happy and all was well. I do struggle and have struggled with anxiety disorder and OCD through my whole life...more on that later. At that 1 1/2 year mark...I made a bad decision and did some coke at a party with one of our mutual friends. She found out about it and was very hurt and distraught. I do not have a drug problem, it was just an impulsive thing and it was very stupid of me to do. We eventually got over it but the trust my wife had for me was damaged. I also felt alot of guilt for hurting her and it made my anxiety problem seem worse. I at times had problems connecting, communicating and just enjoying life because of my OCD and anxiety. But, I dealt with it the best I could without meds or therapy. I did try to get help right around this time but I was scared to take meds in order to feel normal and was embarrassed at the thought of it. We did get married in July of 2004 and life was pretty normal. We didnt have much money but we got by. My wife had alot of bills and she was constantly complaining about her job. She was also financially irresponsible and was a total slob around the house. I took care of all of the finances and the house(cleaning, cooking, yard, etc..) work. She never seemed interested to be involved so me and my OCD ways actually liked having the control of things of such importance. Eventually, that view got really old and I got tired of taking all of the responsibility in our life. I would talk to her about it but she never would help out with anything unless I made her, which I hated to do. We kept moving forward in life and bought our first house (2005). Shortly after the house, I got a new job making 3x the money I was making at my old job, She also changed jobs, went from working as an RN on the L+D floor to being a case manager working from home 5 days a week. I traveled moderately, and she was always on me about it. She enjoyed the $$$ but hated me traveling. The most I was ever gone was 3-4 days but it really bothered her. Again, life went on and then we had our son (2006). Up until then, we had the big problem (mentioned above) and other things hapened but I guess its the same stuff that married couples fight over. Our biggest reoccuring problem was her lack of caring for anything financial or her not taking care of the place where we lived. Ok, back to the story... Our son was born Sept 06 and it was a very stressful time because of the pregnancy, my job was very demanding, etc . She had complications after the delivery and I actually had to take care of our son almost by myself for the first few days of his life. Once she was able to help, she basically threw me out of the way and took over. I felt like I was just tossed aside and it hurt really bad. I know the whole "mom" thing kicks in but she was a lunatic about the baby and nothing else seemed to matter. I was very distraught and I confided in a female co-worker about our problems. She was a very sweet woman and I actually thought I was starting to develop feelings for her, but I honestly didn't. I just liked the attention and she was a good friend. I was scared to tell my witfe about her because of all she was going through so I kept it hidden. Eventually, I stopped talking to her but my wife eventually found out about her by snooping through my work emails. Again, it was nothing incriminating but there was alot of relationship talk and harmless flirts here and there. She blew up and almost left me because of it. I stressed to her that I was not cheating and didn't want anyone else but her. I also expressed that there were problems in our marriage and explained to her how I felt. She didn't really take to heart how I felt and only focused on the work woman. We eventually got past it but again, there was damage done. Again, my anxiety and OCD nature really seemed to intensify, maybe because of the guilt, but it was not helping things. I really felt us starting to drift apart and I think it was mostly because of my inability to deal with things. Again, life moves on.... We have our son and things are ok but very hectic. I work alot and she is working and taking care of the baby at the same time. We rarely have time for each other and it really hurts us as a couple, not spending any time together and being "in love". Since the baby was born, my wife has really changed.... She does not take care of herself, does not take care of health issues with herself, will not engage in our marriage, dresses poorly and is just seems lost. I tell her time and time again that I see this in her and she needs to get help but never does. So, I just deal with it and try to move forward in life. Then in the summer of 2007, I decide to get into motorcycling. It seemed fun and my wife seemed to want to get into it as well. I bought my first bike, learned to ride and got my license. I then bought her a brand new bike because she wanted to learn to ride as well. Unfortunately, she did not follow through with this and the bike just sat in the garage. I continued to ride on Friday nights and it was my only hobby that I had where I could escape day to day life. However, she started seeing the bike as a threat to her and started acting jealous about me riding.. I put my foot down and told her "This is not a bar or a club, it's a motorcycle. All of my buds ride and I only go out to the starbucks to hang with a bunch of dudes on friday nights. There is nothing to be jealous of!". Again, I have giver her many opportunities to come with me when we had a sitter on Friday nite but she never wanted to go and always acted like it was ok for me to go even though she wasn't really ok with it. She actually thought I was banging one of the girls that ride with us because she would group text message us with stupid messages. Again, she was snooping and found something and jumped to a conclusion. Ok..fast forward to 2008.... We have been ok for most of the time, enjoying our son and just getting through the daily struggle and I goofed again. I went out with an out of town buddy and got s***faced out of my mind (Jan 2008). I was so wasted he took me to his hotel room and threw me on the sofa. I woke up with a crushing hangover and realized I had been out all night and never called home. Of course, she was furious and I knew she probably thought I was sleepin around, but I wasn't. I calmed her down eventually and we talked and seemed to get past it. After that, her snooping in my cell phone and CPU got worse and I started to get pissed when I noticed she was into something of mine. We had a few spats about it but nothing major...but each time she said she couldn't trust me. I felt really terrible about everything I had done in the past but again, it's like my brain and body would feel so much anxiety when I thought about what I needed to do to fix things...I just shut down and blocked those thoughts out. Her behavior started to get worse as well. She became very secretive, would talk on the phone late at night in bed and hang up when I would come to bed and other little things I noticed but I ignored them. Then, in May of this year I went to a grad party with her for a mutual friend. We had a good time and she then around 8pm wanted to leave. She told me to stay and have a good time playing beer pong with my new buds and I said OK! Her and my son went home, which looking back now I wish I would of went as well. As our friend Sarah was driving me home that night, she told me that my wife was having an emotional affair with another guy. I could not believe it but I kinda knew something was going on. I did not say anything to my wife but I started to casually snoop around...found nothing. Then about a week later....BAM! I was in a severe motorcycle accident and got pretty tore up. Wife was really upset but acted very aggressive towards me about everything. She seemed to lack compassion...i don't know exactly but it was strange. One thing that did happen as a result of the accident...I changed. I felt that I had been given a second chance at life and I wanted to start living right with my wife and my son. I started to show her that I didn't want to ride bikes anymore and that I wanted to spend more time with her and my son. She started pushing back... I started trying to plan things for all of us to do and she did not seem to want to go and do anything. I was really trying to get the ball rolling on making things better but I was getting nothing from her. Growing frustrated and upset, I vented one morning. I got pretty ugly and the next day she told me she wanted to separate. I was floored, but a little part of me felt it coming. I was freaking out inside and I tried to talk through it with her but she would not hear anything I had to say. She said that she didn't trust me because of past incidents and she didn't know how to get past them. I explained to her that since my accident I was now seeing things differently and I would get help for my anxiety so I could help her to get past the trust issues...she refused. She told me she was leaving on July 1st, she moved out into an apartment on July 5th. I decided on our anniversary, July 4th, that I would be a man and do whatever I needed to do to give her space and to show her I care for her. I gave her half of the $$ in the savings account and half of the furniture and even moved her into the apt myself. It destroyed me to do those things but I was hell bent on doing the right thing. On the last day of her being in our house, she did say that she was leaving so that we could fix our marriage and that it was only temporary. That gave me the strength to be ok with everything and to have a positive outlook. Then it happened, she was still using my CPU at the house to work until her internet was set up. I put a keylogger on the CPU to find out anything and I accessed her e-mail acct on google. I then had her mail forwarded to my Blackberry so I could see everything that came and went. About one day later I got what I was looking for. Some guy was sending her emails about divorce, love song lyrics and letters about their relationship. IT looked like a total EA but there had to be more if you read how these letters were written. I confronted her about it and she denied it at first. Then I showed her the emails and she cracked but said he was just a friend. Then it changed to he was there for her during our problems etc.... She said the EA ended with him in May but I didn't think that was the case because he forwarded these messages to her on July 7th, 2 days after she officially moved out. I accepted the situation for what it was and thought "I caused this to happen, I take responsibility for it and will get her to stop seeing him". 2 days later, I scheduled an IC session for me and a MC session for us if she would go. She was very hesitant at first but the appointment was a week and a half away so I let it sit with her to decide. The whole EA and the emails was tearing me up inside but she refused to talk about it with me. When I brought it up she would get mad. The MC day came and she did go with me and the first session was pretty straight forward. Nothing but background and history. She did lash out at a couple of things and had to be shushed by the C. I just held my composure as best as possible. The MC then suggested that the following 2 sessions should be individual sessions. She went on a Monday and I went on the Tuesday. I did not hear from my W after her session and during my session I felt pretty terrrible about the way things were going. Then, the MC told me that IC was needed for both of us from this point and that MC was useless until things could settle a bit. Hesitantly, I agreed and left. I already had my IC session lined up but I doubted her willingness to go to IC. The next 2 weeks were tough, I started to back off from her to give her space and reflect while waiting for my IC appt. She would do just enough to keep me waiting on a short leash. When I had my son and I was not calling her, she would ask to come over and get things from the house. I would let her and show her no emotion, just emotionless and she would always start crying or do something to get me emotional and it always worked. Numerous times during the 2 weeks, she would call to say hi and then in the same sentence tell me she thinks that it is truly over. Then the next day she would call and ask for the books I have read about saving a hurting marriage. Mixed signals...right? Well, I always gave in and showed that I wanted to have her back and the minute I would, she would withdrawl. Finally, the day of my IC came (2 weeks ago). I got on meds and started with a therapist for my anxiety and OCD. I felt like I was taking a huge step for myself and my marriage. The next day I called the W and told her about everything that happened with the IC and she seemed happy. I asked her if she still thought I wouldn't change and she announced...I want a legal separation. I was floored, almost breathless from the shock. I immediately started trying to convince her to look at the big picture and that I am trying to change things and she just got angry and yelled at me about how it is too late. I then got angry as well and told her fine, get the separation and divorce if you want it....then started NC. I spent alot of sleepless nights wondering if I am doing the right thing because I did not hear from her. Towards the end of the 1st NC week, she emailed me and was nagging about stupid things related to our son. She also seemed very nasty in the e-mails and took what ever shot at me she could. Then last week, the 2nd week of N/C...another huge bombshell. She had a mutual friend watch our son that Tuesday while she went into the office. This friend is a very trusted person and I respect her and her opinions on anything. On Tuesday night, this friend called me and said that our son is not doing very well. She also had concerns about his behavior (she is a child developmental major) because he is showing signs of being autistic. My son is almost 2 and I have also noticed things in him since the split that didn't seem right, so I was not that shocked to hear this. I actuallty said something to my wife 3 weeks prior about my concerns with him and she blew me off. Well, now this person was also noticing it. I asked her if she said anything to my W about it and she said no because she was acting very strange and erratic when she got home that day. I then asked the friend to send my wife an e-mail with her concerns and to bcc me on it, which she did on Wed AM. Here's where things get even weirder.... My wife responded to the friend just like she did to me, totally ingnoring the observations and suggestions about our son. I then waited for a call or e-mail from her.....nothing. She did not even find it important enough to call me and fill me in on what this person said. I waited until Friday at 3pm and then took action myself. I called the county health department and scheduled an appointment to have my son evaluated hor autism and developmental problems. I emailed my wife the next day and informed her of the appointments, but did not say anything about my knowledge of the friend's e-mail. She immediately accused me of hiding things from her and that what I did was good but not fair to her. I then told her that I kenw of the email sent to her from the friend and also saw her response and how she blew it off. I then said that I couldn't believe she would hold back things like that about our son.....I asked why? She couldn't answer and I again stated that her actions are just unforgivable and wish to remain in N/C unless about my son. She agreed but yesterday she did call me to cry about the situation and I cried as well. I think she may have been given a wake up call with all of this but maybe not.

 

To close...I am very angry with my wife and this situation. I do want her back in my life and I want to make our marriage work. It just seems that I am not doing the right things and when I do I always screw them up. Since my accident, I really do have a new perspective on life and I am taking steps to show that I am a changed man. Will she eventually see it? What should I do to help get her back? Please help? We need to be together and be a family so we can be there for our son who is going to need us.....

[Billy Bob]

Your marriage sounds like complete hell. Sometimes you have to let a bad relationship end to ever experience a healthy, loving, trustworthy relationship. No one gets married to see it disintegrate, but sometimes it's for the best.

[nowhereman82]

Biggest thing I notice is you seem to feel like everything is your fault. That you are never good enough and she is the way she is because of you.

 

She sounds like she is clinically depressed.

 

Unfortunately this will never work unless she gets her head straight. She lies to you, hides things from you, has trust issues, communication issues.

 

Do what's good for your mental and physical health and for your son.

 

You can't help her. She can only help herself.

 

Sorry bro.

[carhill]

Continue IC and find a way to get legal advice, even if you have to melt a credit card. Focus on yourself and your child. Document everything.

 

You've been through a lot. Things seem pretty bad now. Try taking it one day at a time. Focus on each day for itself. You have my sympathies....

[Jonesey]

I am really so freakin lost and am confused about how to interact with her. When we spoke about our sons condition on Monday we both shared feelings and actually talked to each other. Then, I let her go to compose myself. I didn't call back that night and she didn't call me. The next day(yesterday) she went back to her cold self when I asked her how she was doing and how my son was doing. I really thought with these recent events with our son she would see the light, get some help with herself and at least entertain the fact of trying to save us and make a new life together. Am I just fooling myself to thin she will eventually have a breakthrough?

 

Thanks for the insight everyone......

[carhill]

IC will help you understand that you can't change or help her. You can only work on yourself.

 

Women are that way (can switch on you like a light), but so are men. I see it in myself. It comes from not caring (or believing that I don't). Accept that. You can't make her care.

 

Hope for the best but plan for the worst and act based on the reality of the day.

[TrustInYourself]

I just see desperation and miscommunication. I'd work on trying to understand the way my wife communicates, her emotional needs, and how to adjust my actions/reactions and how that influences her behavior in a negative fashion.

 

If you can't communicate in a positive fashion, relax, regroup and then try again. Emotional conversations are not rational conversations. Rule your emotions, don't allow your emotions to rule you.

 

Your mindset should be clear and concise. Hence, the suggestions to continue IC and work on your problems. How can you address other issues in a relationship, when you have your own issues that remain unresolved.

[Jonesey]

I have very carefully re-opened up the door to communication today with the W. I mailed her and said that I was there for her if she needed to talk about our son's situation and that I would LISTEN to her thoughts and feelings since she did the same for me. She replied about an hour later and was very nice but said she was maintaining and she appreciated the offer. She also extended the same offer to me.... She then started talking about our son and my upcoming weekend with him. She asked questions and also seemed supportive. I replied back and answered her questions and was very positive....

 

Is what I am doing OK? Should I not communicate anymore unless she initiates it? I wanted sooo bad to just start talking about our marriage but I didn't because she did not mention it at all. I feel that I took an opportunity to show her that I can be strong and not beg or push her for information or for her to talk about us.

 

I don't know guys.....I am so terrified inside but I also know I am doing everything I can for myself to heal and get better emotionally. I just want that to show so that she may see the truth in all of this mess. I do however get the next 4 days with my son.....it is great but I do at times feel really sad when he is here at the house because she is n ot with us. I especially feel bad because I know he may be having trouble himself and our situation I feel is effecting him...even though he is so young.

 

Thanks for the input so far everyone. I will keep you guys posted if that is OK....

 

J

[TrustInYourself]

It's perfectly fine. In fact, you are doing what's right by contacting her and being supportive and remaining positive. That's a positive change on your part and you are reaping the benefits. Run with it.

 

There's no reason to go NC if you can handle communicating with your wife and loving her without constraint. If it bothers you, or if you are creating tension or problems, then perhaps I could see the reason for NC/LC.

 

It's a good thing that you didn't mention the marriage. Who's decision was it to move out? Hers. Let her do the work on getting the marriage back together, which she will eventually do if she considers your contact and support positive to her life. Don't stress the small stuff.

 

Number one priority. Live life for yourself and be a good father to your son. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy life. You'll be happier and your family will be happier. Use this pain for positive gain.

 

Take care and best wishes.

[imagine]

Snoop around.

 

Find out who she is leaning on.

 

Sabotage it by exposing!

[Jonesey]

I am through pretty much done with the snooping....I just get hurt or read into something I see way too much. The other day I looked at her private myspace profile, she edited it that day and took out all mention of me in the "about me" section. She deleted most of the photos of me and her together in her personal photo album...most but not all. She did not change her status from married though..... I sat at the desk and cried like a baby when I saw that. Who knows what it means but I guess it can't be good for her to change that stuff knowing I can't see it. Who knows...but it hurts like hell.

[Jonesey]

It seems these past two days have been extremely rough for me. I can't get my act together and feel ok about anything. I have cried in my own home alone for the first times since our separation.....what is happening to me? Am I realizing that it is over or just falling deeper into depression? Whatever it is it really sucks and I am trying to keep hope alive but it is hard, the hardest thing I have ever done.

[Jonesey]

Well, I think I am making some sort of progress..... I got up this am, went to gym at 630 and then came back to get ready for W to drop off my son at 9. 9 came and went and she then calls at 920. She said my son did not feel well. I told her that if she wanted to keep him this weekend that it was fine and I would take him next weekend instead. She didn't know what to say so I asked her to just bring him by the house so I could see him and we'll talk about it. She stayed for over an hour and we talked very well to eachother the whole time. I could see her looking for the pictures that I recently strewn around the house of us that I took down earlier this morning and I could tell it bothered her. She also was hesitant to come in at all but once she saw that I was in good spirits she let the guard down.

 

Again, this is the "new" me in front of her today. The guy she fell in love with but the guy that also LISTENS to her and cares about her opinion. I am also the guy that is no longer needy in front of her and is doing OK.

 

I am walking the walk, talking the talk and I hope she sees it and will start to realize the relationship is not hopeless because people CAn change for ther bettter....

 

It was hard today but I felt like a million bucks when she left because I controlled my emotions and didn't let them control me.

[imagine]

Slow and steady.

 

Consistency is the key!

 

Maybe strewing the house full of photos is a bit obsessive. I can see one well placed photo as healthy. You could also do well to have the pics pinned to a family board.

 

Tricky changing the photos now though!

[TrustInYourself]

Well, I think I am making some sort of progress..... I got up this am, went to gym at 630 and then came back to get ready for W to drop off my son at 9. 9 came and went and she then calls at 920. She said my son did not feel well. I told her that if she wanted to keep him this weekend that it was fine and I would take him next weekend instead. She didn't know what to say so I asked her to just bring him by the house so I could see him and we'll talk about it. She stayed for over an hour and we talked very well to eachother the whole time. I could see her looking for the pictures that I recently strewn around the house of us that I took down earlier this morning and I could tell it bothered her. She also was hesitant to come in at all but once she saw that I was in good spirits she let the guard down.

 

Again, this is the "new" me in front of her today. The guy she fell in love with but the guy that also LISTENS to her and cares about her opinion. I am also the guy that is no longer needy in front of her and is doing OK.

 

I am walking the walk, talking the talk and I hope she sees it and will start to realize the relationship is not hopeless because people CAn change for ther bettter....

 

It was hard today but I felt like a million bucks when she left because I controlled my emotions and didn't let them control me.

 

Well done, you are doing exactly what you need to do. Taking those pictures down says I am ready to move on. I am strong and confident. I can be happy without you. You reinforce your love for her by accepting what she wants. You stop arguing and you start agreeing. Now they start to doubt. Now they start to worry. Now they start to think, maybe this can work.

 

Keep doing what makes you happy. Keep growing. Be your best for yourself. Life is short. Take care.

[Jonesey]

Well...I think I see more progress, but I am not 100% sure. I watched my son for a few hours yesterday while she went to a baby shower. We didn't interact much when she dropped him off but when she came to "drop off" his meds since I wanted to keep him, she stayed for about an hour or so. She took off her shoes, seemed to relax and I caught her "looking" at me if you will throughout the time there. We talked more about our son but it was very nice. She hesitated to leave 4-5 times and when she finally did, she sobbed and cried. This started while we were talking about my son's cold and right before she walked out of the door. Keep in mind, she stayed for over an hour on Saturday as well and this was the first interaction in over 3 weeks.

 

During the time on Sunday, I again felt really good and put my best foot forward. I at times just wanted to embrace her and tell her I am changing and love her, but I didn't. Funny thing is, it is not an act I am putting on, I am really changing and I think she sees it. The meds for my anxiety are really helping me be be a person instead of the un-emotional robot I have been for 15 years.

 

Hopefully I am not reading into the weekends events too much but I really feel there may be hope to burying what was bad and starting over with my W.

[Jonesey]

Another update....I hope you guys aren't overwhelmed by my story, I don't get many responses...LOL

 

OK I got up this am and felt really good about the weekend. I knew today was the W's first scheduled appointment with an attorney. But, because of the weekend events I was curious to know if she was still going to go or going to sit on it a while....

 

I called her at 9am, very light and friendly. I asked her if she was going to the attorney today and she relied "yes". I said "OK, but is this definetly what you want to do....divorce and all?" she replied "yes". I then told her that I was OK with her decision and would not fight back on it. I did say that I did not want it, that I was making huge life changing progress within myself and that I thought we still had hope. She was silent while I was saying all of this. I then asked if she had any thoughts and she replied that "I just don't know what to think". She did say that this weekend she was shocked to see the progress I have made and how calming I was to be around. She wanted to say something last night but didn't. I ended the call by saying that I hope you do what is best for you because I want you to be happy....regardless of the way you decide to go. She thanked me and the call ended.

 

Can anyone interpret what is possibly going on here and what I should do next?

 

Thanks!

 

J

[TrustInYourself]

Another update....I hope you guys aren't overwhelmed by my story, I don't get many responses...LOL

 

OK I got up this am and felt really good about the weekend. I knew today was the W's first scheduled appointment with an attorney. But, because of the weekend events I was curious to know if she was still going to go or going to sit on it a while....

 

I called her at 9am, very light and friendly. I asked her if she was going to the attorney today and she relied "yes". I said "OK, but is this definetly what you want to do....divorce and all?" she replied "yes". I then told her that I was OK with her decision and would not fight back on it. I did say that I did not want it, that I was making huge life changing progress within myself and that I thought we still had hope. She was silent while I was saying all of this. I then asked if she had any thoughts and she replied that "I just don't know what to think". She did say that this weekend she was shocked to see the progress I have made and how calming I was to be around. She wanted to say something last night but didn't. I ended the call by saying that I hope you do what is best for you because I want you to be happy....regardless of the way you decide to go. She thanked me and the call ended.

 

Can anyone interpret what is possibly going on here and what I should do next?

 

Thanks!

 

J

 

Yep, I can tell you exactly what is going on. She's thinking. She's testing. She's confused.

 

The real issue here is interpreting what is going on with you. You're analyzing everything she does. You're analyzing what you're doing. This leads to actions and reactions that you can shape. You're playing to human nature. The question is, are you going to be happy with the results?

 

Maybe, maybe not. Acceptance is a double edged sword. She may just push forward with the divorce. She may reconsider. After you've played this game long enough, you're not going to care one way or the other.

 

She knows what you want. You've cracked the surface. Now ignore her. Completely. Follow through with your changes. Play the game the way you want to play it. Live life.

 

I'm concerned for you. Make sure you're emotionally at a point where your actions make sense. Don't rush things.

[Jonesey]

TIY...thanks for the kind words.

 

I guess the only thing left is to wait it out. I will not contact her unless necessary about our son. Problem is, she may do the same. I think I may have taken the situation and not realized how "concerned" she was with me being so unavailable. I feel that I may have given her ego another "feeding" and she will be ok now since she knows where I stand about our marriage. I took a gamble that I thought was right, only to feel hours later that I may have been counter productive.....

 

I just don't get this sometimes.....

[TrustInYourself]

You can't read too much into it.

 

Sometimes just being honest with yourself and saying what you need to say, no matter the damage, has to be done.

 

If it makes you feel better, I think you may have helped your cause. Keep hope.

[Jonesey]

Another update everyone, not so much anything good.

 

I was on myspace last night and I started looking at profiles of people I knew and just browsing. I ran across one of my wife's friends ("best friends" since the separation) and decided to check out her brother's page. On there, my wife has posted a few comments that seemed a little inappropriate to his page, all within the last week. One was a teddybear holding a flower that said "HI" and the other one had a sexual reference to it..... I was pretty shocked but did not overreact right away. I just shrugged it off and chalked it up to being friendly. Then, I remembered a few months ago this guy was at my house to give us estimates on some work we needed done. My wife at the time was really rooting for this guy to get the job and for us to pay him but I decided to hold off and I remember she got upset. Well, this morning we were together at a meeting for our son and I decided to drop a very vague hint of this guy to see her response. She immediately answered the question very nervously and stuttered while answering....she was caught off guard and was not being honest in my opinion. This afternoon, I just decided to come out and ask her about this guy. I told her that I heard through a mutual friend that she and this guy were involved, she immediately said "NO". I then asked her if she has any interaction with him and she said she and him talk on the phone often. I asked why...and she did not answer. I told her that I think it is not right and she responds " you talked to others while in our marriage"....thats when I knew there was something more she was not telling me and I told her I had to go. I did not yell, scream, cry or anything of that nature, I was pretty calm and collected.

 

However, i did message this tool on My Space, here's what i sent..

 

"I am writing because I found out through a mutual friend that you have been talking to my wife or conversing with my wife on an inappropriate level. Look, You have no right to be involved in this situation involving her, my son or me and I would appreciate it if you stay away from her and this situation until all is said and done. I am not trying to control what you she does or what goes on in her life but you being through a similar situation should key you in to the emotions that are present when people go through these sorts of things. I am asking you, man to man, to please remove yourself from the situation from here on out until things are more settled and final. "

 

Was I wrong in doing this? Is the signs I saw probably her and this guy in some sort of EA or E/PA? I was furious to talk to her and have her just act like it was no big deal. I did also find out that this guy separated from his sig other right around the same time we separated....coincidence?

 

Advice and insight is appreciated as far as guidance on how to handle things from here....

 

J

[imagine]

Snoop. Expose the hell out of the situation. Embarrass them for the sake of your marriage.

 

Regarding her inquiry about the divorce: I would have indicated more firmly that you did not want divorce. She may interpret this as that you do not care.

 

Consider rectifying this.

[TrustInYourself]

You should let your wife know you want to work on the marriage. That should always be clear, if that's what you truly want. Let her know, but don't bash it or push it or sell it. Just be concise in the way you feel.

 

As far as the other man? Personally, to me, they are non-factors. I don't chase a woman who has run away from the problems in our relationship. She chases me.

 

These guys that want to expose and air their wife's dirty laundry? What does that achieve? Guilt and remorse? How does that serve a loving relationship? That shows insecurity and weakness to me.

 

I am not the alternative, plan-b, go to guy, the lesser choice. I am the prize, not the other man. If she wants him, go for it. I have better options. That's me though.

 

It really comes down to what you want and what you are willing to sacrifice for your wife and your marriage. What are you comfortable with? How secure are you in your own happiness? Can you forgive her? Do you want to forgive her?

[Jonesey]

Well. I am at a loss for words anymore.

 

After the phone conversation yesterday about her and this OM, things got a little weird in the evening. One of our mutual friends (who i have stopped talking to weeks ago because she is closer to W) text me ferociously about me thinking my W is with this guy. Said that i was an ass for thinking that and this guy is younger blah blah balh. I stated to her that I didn't think they were banging, only that they were connecting in a way that I feel is inappropriate due to the situation with our son and our recent separation. She accused me of blowing things out of proportion and kept being really nasty about it all. I stopped texting her back after a while and she stopped as well. Only to text me at 11:30 pm and thanked me for deleting her from my MySpace friends list.

 

I did look at my page logger last night and from the conversation with my W at 130PM and 11:30PM, the W looked at my profile at least 7 times.

 

Any idea on what all of this means? Was the friend trying to convince me otherwise about the OM? Why would she get involved after we have not spoken in weeks? What about the W looking at my page so much....

 

I am trying to seek outside advice on all of this and not read into things, this is why I posted all of this today. I hope I am not getting to be an annoyance to you guys here...

 

J

[TrustInYourself]

Well. I am at a loss for words anymore.

 

After the phone conversation yesterday about her and this OM, things got a little weird in the evening. One of our mutual friends (who i have stopped talking to weeks ago because she is closer to W) text me ferociously about me thinking my W is with this guy. Said that i was an ass for thinking that and this guy is younger blah blah balh. I stated to her that I didn't think they were banging, only that they were connecting in a way that I feel is inappropriate due to the situation with our son and our recent separation. She accused me of blowing things out of proportion and kept being really nasty about it all. I stopped texting her back after a while and she stopped as well. Only to text me at 11:30 pm and thanked me for deleting her from my MySpace friends list.

 

I did look at my page logger last night and from the conversation with my W at 130PM and 11:30PM, the W looked at my profile at least 7 times.

 

Any idea on what all of this means? Was the friend trying to convince me otherwise about the OM? Why would she get involved after we have not spoken in weeks? What about the W looking at my page so much....

 

I am trying to seek outside advice on all of this and not read into things, this is why I posted all of this today. I hope I am not getting to be an annoyance to you guys here...

 

J

 

She's probably wondering why and how you are taking this so well. She'll assume you have a friend, like she has. Some people can't move on without an emotional affair or relationship to move to. As a monkey swinging from one branch to another, she probably assumes you are doing the same thing.

 

Your best bet is to remain cool and let things run their course. Avoid drama if possible. Remain positive. Be open to communication. Any contact should be your best foot forward. Remain mysterious. Allow her to figure out what she really wants.

 

If she starts questioning you, you have confirmation she's thinking about your relationship. She's weighing her options.