Long and Messy- !

[imagine]

Well. I am at a loss for words anymore.

 

After the phone conversation yesterday about her and this OM, things got a little weird in the evening. One of our mutual friends (who i have stopped talking to weeks ago because she is closer to W) text me ferociously about me thinking my W is with this guy. Said that i was an ass for thinking that and this guy is younger blah blah balh. I stated to her that I didn't think they were banging, only that they were connecting in a way that I feel is inappropriate due to the situation with our son and our recent separation. She accused me of blowing things out of proportion and kept being really nasty about it all. I stopped texting her back after a while and she stopped as well. Only to text me at 11:30 pm and thanked me for deleting her from my MySpace friends list.

 

Why would this lady be talking to you?

Why would you want to engage in discussion with her?

 

 

Apart from that....

I would love to link "The art of war" for marriage builders but don't know how.

You will find this at the general 11 section at Marriage builders website and posted by Pepperband within the last four days or so.

 

This is a concept developed by Sun Tzu originally for martial purposes and adapted for marriage protection.

 

These are some of the principles:

 

Although you are capable, display incapability.

When committed to employing your forces, feign inactivity.

When your objective is nearby, make it appear distant; when distant, create the illusion of being nearby.

Display profits to entice them.

Create disorder in their forces and take them.

If they are substantial, prepare for them.

If they are strong, avoid them.

If they are angry, perturb them.

Be deferential to foster their arrogance.

If they are rested, force them to exert themselves.

If they are united, cause them to be separated.

Attack where they are unprepared.

Go forth where they will not expect it.

 

"Never speculate about your opponent; always seek facts.

Don't listen to rumors, seek information from those who know.

Check out the truth of everything before moving.

For if you have sought lies, you have sought failure."

 

"Those who are afraid retreat.

Those who are brave grow greater.

Never fear, always grow."

 

Hope this can help.

[You'reasian]

A

However, i did message this tool on My Space, here's what i sent..

 

"I am writing because I found out through a mutual friend that you have been talking to my wife or conversing with my wife on an inappropriate level. Look, You have no right to be involved in this situation involving her, my son or me and I would appreciate it if you stay away from her and this situation until all is said and done. I am not trying to control what you she does or what goes on in her life but you being through a similar situation should key you in to the emotions that are present when people go through these sorts of things. I am asking you, man to man, to please remove yourself from the situation from here on out until things are more settled and final. "

 

Was I wrong in doing this? Is the signs I saw probably her and this guy in some sort of EA or E/PA? I was furious to talk to her and have her just act like it was no big deal. I did also find out that this guy separated from his sig other right around the same time we separated....coincidence?

 

Advice and insight is appreciated as far as guidance on how to handle things from here....

 

J

 

Sounds good. Not wrong at all if this is how you feel.

[Jonesey]

Hi everyone. This may be my last post due to me just needing to remove myself from the situation and work out things. I really am still confused about where things are going and how to deal with it all. My W is still looking at my My Space page 2-3 times a day and she is still communicating at some level with me. I guess that is a good sign. I have been making huge efforts to hit emotional home runs with her every time I get the chance and I think it does good. Last nite was the first time we actually spoke on the phone to each other since Tuesday and me asking her about someone else being in her life. She is sick and has my son. I called to see how he was doing and her voice sounded terrible. I was very light and asked if she was OK and we just talked for a few minutes. She asked me for some money to help out with things and I said "no problem, do not even ask again". At the end of the conversation she thanked me for calling...which is a first.

 

Just hearing her voice last night made me very sad but I didn't show that on the phone. I tried to go to bed but I couldn't sleep. At around 130Am I got up and wrote her an e-mail, here is what is said...

 

Hi XXXX,

 

I know you're probably thinking..."Oh no, here's another sob story email from my ex-husband". I promise, this is not that kind of e-mail, please read on....

 

I have some things I wanted you to know and to reflect on as we move on through life on our seperate ways. It is important for me to say these things to you because you have been the most important thing in my life and will always be that, next to our son.

 

Regardless of any outcome from our previous life, I have accepted what the future will bring due to the terrible things I have done to you over the past 5 years. I also realize that my weakness and illness has taken yet another thing from my life that I will never be able to reconcile, that is your love and our marriage. I have all the blame on my shoulders for what has happened and it is very tough now that I think and see and feel things more clearly. What's really hard, is having all of the emotions that were "blocked" out of me during our marriage now suddenly become "unblocked" due to my anxiety being decreased from the medication and therapy. These feelings are extremely strong and very tough to deal with. I know it is hard for you to understand why I have been the way I have been for so long but I need you to know that 85% of the flaws and personality traits were a symptom of a much bigger problem. That problem is well on it's way to being fixed but there is still plenty to do in that department. I can say that I now have the tools to fix the problem and not constantly try to push it away. I honestly do not know how I have gotten this far but I am finding strength and guidance from inside me somewhere and it feels really good. I also find alot of strength in pur son, which has gotten me through the many nights of crying and just feeling that I have lost my world, my life, everything that has meaning to me. You ending us and leaving out on your own may have been a blessing in disguise because it forced me to get the help I needed to fix my "core" and now I can start to put the pieces of my life back together. For this, I can't thank you enough because I am now closer to bringing back the person who was lost inside me, and I am reconnecting with that person after him being gone for so long.

 

There is a song I listen to called "I hope you Dance" by LeAnne Womack. It talks of closing doors, opening new ones and not taking the easy way out in life. I think someone who wrote it may have been going through a situation such as ours and talks of the feelings they had during this process of letting go and moving on. This is how I am trying to look at our life together being over, as a door closing(our life) and a new one opening(my getting help and finding myself). I don't know if you have heard it, but you may want to check it out if you get time.

 

XXXX, I really wish that I had the strength to get help before you stopped loving me. Before I turned you cold and you emotionally pushed me out of your heart and mind. I see what I have done to you and the love you had for me and it makes me sick to my stomach. You wanted your husband to listen to you, spend time with you, talk to you, love you, cherish you. I inconsistently did those things on top of ruining your trust in me.... I cannot deny doing any of those things but I just NEED you to understand it was not you or me that caused me to act and treat you (as well as all of the other people in my life) the way I did, it was my illness. Not that I would be perfect without my mental issues, but I could of loved you and treated you the way I always wanted to and could of kept our love and marriage together for life. I honestly thought for a while there that you would be able to let go of the past and all of the s*** I have done to you.... I told you I was not well(haha) and I now see that the damage I caused is unrepairable and unforgivable. That is not your fault, it is mine and don't ever feel bad or guilty about that.

 

I am beat. I hope this makes sense to you when you read it and you see what I am trying to say. This I promise is my last letter to you about "us" and our marriage. I know you are moving on and trying to heal so I won't open any wounds that may have started to do so already. Just try to remember the good things we had in our marriage and about the best thing in both of our lives...our son.

 

Good Night, thanks for reading this.

 

XXXXX

Was this a good approach at showing her I am ok with what she is doing while still showing her I love her without saying it? I attempted to show that I realize why she is not with me and that I have taken everything in my power to see things I have done to cause all of this. She must of read it last nite because at 148am she looked at my MySpace page again(I have a tracker..lol).

 

Thoughts?

 

J

[Jonesey]

It is still early and I know she read the letter I wrote last nite. Should I expect any response from her? If not what likely does it mean? I hate to sit here and wonder about these things but I just want some sort of idea on how to look at these situations.

 

Thanks,

 

J

[TrustInYourself]

I wouldn't expect a response. That's me though.

[Jonesey]

She responded with a text message! She said that she read the mail and that song has been on her mind for about a week now. She commented how ironic it was and that she thinks of our son when she hears it. At least it's something and it was from her heart which means that she is not closed off to me completely.

 

TIY- Thoughts?

[TrustInYourself]

That's cool.

 

Oh about her? You know her better than I do, lol.

[imagine]

She responded with a text message! She said that she read the mail and that song has been on her mind for about a week now. She commented how ironic it was and that she thinks of our son when she hears it. At least it's something and it was from her heart which means that she is not closed off to me completely.

 

TIY- Thoughts?

 

I thought that your letter was one hundred percent down the line. I also wondered, as TIY did, whether she would grace it with a reply. I'm delighted that she did.

 

Possibly you could thank her for acknowledging your letter. However, keep text short.

 

You might be interested to know that you are following a form of Plan B (Read "Survivng an Affair" Dr. Harley).

 

You might want to compare notes. Go to marriage builder site. Look up the concept "Carrot and the Stick"

[Jonesey]

You guys are not going to believe this...

 

As I said earlier this AM, I spoke with the W today VIA txt and on phone. Both exchanges were nice and she spoke of the letter I wrote her. She was also sick and I felt bad for her....

 

So, I stopped over her place this afternoon to give her some soup and cheeseburgers. I pulled up and at the same time so did another car...This guy got out and I immediately recognized who he was. It was the best friends brother who I just asked about 2 days prior. I watched him go up to my wife's apartment and waltz right in the door. He was carrying 2 bags of what looked like clothes. I followed up behind him and knocked on the door. They would not answer. I called to let her know that I knew what was going on....no answer. I left and haven't looked back since.

 

This just goes to show you guys...things are not always what they seem...watch your back and if you feel something is going on....find out because it probably is!!!!!!

 

Thx,

 

J

[TrustInYourself]

Man, I hate hearing that. How are you holding up?

 

One of the major things you need to remember, all your changes and hard work have been for your own self-improvement. If your wife decides otherwise, that's her fault, not yours.

 

I do know this. Determine your own fate. It's really all about you. We all have more power than we're aware of.

 

I'd highly suggest staying on the high road and doing your very best. I'm also someone who believes there must be consequences for people to recognize their actions. It's a fine line.

 

I have not had to physically deal with another man, just the thought of another man. I think you can find some good advice in this forum regarding actions to take whether you want to move on with your life, or work it out.

 

Best wishes and take care.

[TrustInYourself]

You guys are not going to believe this...

 

As I said earlier this AM, I spoke with the W today VIA txt and on phone. Both exchanges were nice and she spoke of the letter I wrote her. She was also sick and I felt bad for her....

 

So, I stopped over her place this afternoon to give her some soup and cheeseburgers. I pulled up and at the same time so did another car...This guy got out and I immediately recognized who he was. It was the best friends brother who I just asked about 2 days prior. I watched him go up to my wife's apartment and waltz right in the door. He was carrying 2 bags of what looked like clothes. I followed up behind him and knocked on the door. They would not answer. I called to let her know that I knew what was going on....no answer. I left and haven't looked back since.

 

This just goes to show you guys...things are not always what they seem...watch your back and if you feel something is going on....find out because it probably is!!!!!!

 

Thx,

 

J

 

Is she feeling sick because she's acting irresponsibly? Is that guilt?

 

She probably loves you in some way as well. Affairs are strange in the fact that people can compartmentalize their feelings for one person and have a seperate part of themselves loving another person.

[Jonesey]

Well...I just wanted to thank everyone for the support given during my time here on LS. If you read my last update, you will see that my STBXW was with another man since our separation and I finally found out about on Friday. I have let go of her, our life together and all of the s*** that went with it. I have myself and my son to look after and that is the most important thing to keep in perspective. I am not communicating with the STBXW right now and probably won't for a while because of all her lies and me just wanting to let my anger loose on her. We'll see how that goes but.....

 

Again, just a thanks to everyone for the advice and wisdom.

 

J

[TrustInYourself]

I hope things work out for the best, brother. Let us know!

[In Like Flynn]

Hows it going??? What did your wife say when you talked to her??

[TrustInYourself]

I also was wondering about how you were doing.

 

I probably dealt you advice that was too positive or too focused on reconciliation before all the facts were known. I hope I didn't do you wrong by hoping that things could work out between you and your spouse.

 

As I said before, I hope everything works out for you in the best possible way.

[Jonesey]

Hi guys, thanks for keeping me in your thoughts. I am doing ok, but it is very hard with all that has happened. Today it has been 2 weeks since I found the STBXW and her new "boy toy" at her apartment. Not a whole lot has happened since that day. I only communicate with her VIA e-mail about our son, nothing else. I've had to blast her twice because I have tried to be indefferent in the verbage I use in the mails but she attacks whenever she can. I have also heard that she is having trouble with the "boy toy" and has even reverted to talking to the guy she was with before me. She will continue her mistakes and think she is perfect and continue to get into her relationship troubles. I just long for the day she comes around me for sympathy or another chance so I can nuke her a**

 

This weekend is my sons birthday and that is exciting. She IS NOT invited to the party I am having because my whole family is disgusted with her at this point. I imagine she will do something for him on her own.... She can wallow in her solitude and see the mistakes she has made for all I care. My son will have a great birthday and that is what matters to me.....

 

I hope everyone is well....have a good weekend!

 

Jonesey

[In Like Flynn]

Bump for update!!

[Jonesey]

I guess an update is due...

 

Things are weird lately.

 

Me: I still feel like I do not fit anywhere. I have trouble making friends and getting a "new life". I spend alot of time thinking about the past and just regretting all of my mistakes. I honestly still feel like I am an alien on this planet...lol. Times with my son are good but sometimes hard. He has been diagnosed with a learning and developmental delay. I have been spearheading the effort to get him help, change his daycare into a better more rounded environment. I have been doing my job OK but my daily feelings of depression and anxiety constantly get in the way. I hope all gets better.......at least so I can feel like a normal person again.

 

Her: She is still very secretive about her life when it comes to me. She barely communicates to me about what is going on and how her and my son interact and live. She seems very distant to me and is not as involved with getting our son the things he needs and going after what is best for him. Just this week I have had to "put her in line" regarding her passiveness on issues regarding my son. It was hard to do but I had to do it.

 

About 2 weeks ago, I noticed she started to contact me and interact with me alot more than normal. We almost had a coffee date to talk about things but it didn't work out. Then, as quickly as it started it stopped. I think she may have had a falling out with her new BF or his sister who is her best friend since all of this. She still views my MySpace profile a minimum of 4 times per day and it gets to be as much as 10 times per day.

 

I have e-mailed her occasionally and tried to express my feelings for her and all that but it does no good...she ignores me. What bothers me the most is that I have proved in many ways I have changed and grown as a man and father...she simply will not recognize it to me......

 

Who knows what she is thinking. I don't know what I am thinking at this point. Nov 7th will be 4 months and I am simply still noit over losing my family....It still hurts like hell and I can barely function at times.

 

Hope all is well with everyone....

 

Jonesey

[Gunny376]

Oftentims in life you just have to accept the fact that what was? Was! And what is "IS", and what will be "will be" and that's just the way it is.

 

For most of us that have gone through this crap, the simple fact of the matter is that we just didn't have the prerequisite knowledge, information, education that we needed going into it, and that is so very true when it comes to personal relationships and personal finace (albiet the current "financial crisis")

 

We're simply are not taught these two subjects in a formal and in-formal education. Not in middle school, not in high school, not in college, not in the military, not in church.

 

Our own parents and grandparents are good examples, for even those that make it to their fifty year anniversary did so by hanging on by shreads of hope.

 

Half of all first time marriages end in divorce, and of the other half? Two-thirds of them aren't happy! And at one time or the other are thinking about divorce. But they don't divorce because of the children, the status quo, finances, etc.

 

That's a damn poor excuse to be and stay married!

 

Your being way too damn hard on yourself, and your fully takikng on 120% of the break-down of the marriage as being your fault.

 

NEWS FLASH for you Slick!

 

It takes two to make it, but only one to break it!

 

The break down of your marriage ~ isn't you! Its because the STBXW has another man on the side!

 

And more than not? When a woman leaves a marriage? They tend to "trade-down" and not "Up" Why? I'll be damn if I know! I've yet to figure out why a woman would leave a multi-millionarie for the "Pool-boy"