PASSIONLESS MARRIAGE

[FLAMELESS]

I have been married for 10 years and have a 9 year old little boy. I married my husband because of guilt and fear of not finding anybody. I have a good relationship with him, we both enjoy the same things and I would say we are "best friends". However, I have never truly been physically attracted to him. I am jealous of friends of ours who seem to have sexually fulfilling relationships. Part of me thinks it is unfair to stay even though I feel this way because perhaps there is a woman out there for him who would be fullfilled in every way. I am so afraid of being alone I try and convince myself that a passionless marriage really isn't a big deal, it's a good life in every other way but it's hard when sex is all over the place. TV commercials are full of passion, books are full of passion, every time I turn around somebody is showing me what I'm missing. He is such a good guy - I wish I knew how to make myself attracted to him. If I was, this relationship would be incredibly perfect which is why I stay. Am I cheating him out of the perfect love?

[Tony T]

Wow, you got married for two great reasons, guilt and fear of not finding anybody. I'm sure that's heartwarming to your husband. Now you are surprised that there is no passion.

 

First, stop looking at other people. You don't know what happens behind closed doors. For most of the population, the passion that draws us together diminishes over time. The brain chemicals that cause this great passion neutralize and we begin to feel comfortable and secure but all fireworks displays come to an end.

 

If you left your husband, you could probably find some real passion for one to three years, if you're lucky. Then you might settle in to some nice sex but that's what it would be. And it could get stale in time as well.

 

I think a sexless marriage is not a good thing and there are techniques for getting the sparks back in a marriage that started off for good reasons. Yours did not. Frankly, it sounds like you never really got married...but you got "best-friended" and it's really hard to be sexually passionate with a friend.

 

You have to decide what's important to you. If you want a passionate relationship, the duration of which would be uncertain, you have to split with your husband and move on. If you want to be comfortable with your best friend forever, remain where you are. If that doesn,t help you...phone a friend!!!

[Shirley]

I have been married for 10 years and have a 9 year old little boy. I married my husband because of guilt and fear of not finding anybody. I have a good relationship with him, we both enjoy the same things and I would say we are "best friends". However, I have never truly been physically attracted to him. I am jealous of friends of ours who seem to have sexually fulfilling relationships. Part of me thinks it is unfair to stay even though I feel this way because perhaps there is a woman out there for him who would be fullfilled in every way. I am so afraid of being alone I try and convince myself that a passionless marriage really isn't a big deal, it's a good life in every other way but it's hard when sex is all over the place. TV commercials are full of passion, books are full of passion, every time I turn around somebody is showing me what I'm missing. He is such a good guy - I wish I knew how to make myself attracted to him. If I was, this relationship would be incredibly perfect which is why I stay. Am I cheating him out of the perfect love?

 

hi!

 

No, you're not cheating him. He probably feels the tingles involved with chemical attraction. But he won't tell you if he doesn't. The only thing he's missing is the excitement of watching you be turned on. Men think of sex differently. Love and sex are two totally different things to them. This is a very tough situation for you. You could act like you're turned on by him, and he wouldn't even know that you're pretending. But this makes it hard for you, because you're not receiving the same pleasure. You're the only one who is missing out on that feeling of physical closeness. But you can still be able to feel satisfaction with him. Get yourself in the mood before the two of you go to bed. It will help the way you feel about him and yourself.

[Polly]

I can relate, My husband suddenly says he just doesn't feel like that anymore and if that is what I need then I need to find someone else to fill the bill. I still love him but I still need the passion and if thats gone then so am I.

Wow, you got married for two great reasons, guilt and fear of not finding anybody. I'm sure that's heartwarming to your husband. Now you are surprised that there is no passion. First, stop looking at other people. You don't know what happens behind closed doors. For most of the population, the passion that draws us together diminishes over time. The brain chemicals that cause this great passion neutralize and we begin to feel comfortable and secure but all fireworks displays come to an end. If you left your husband, you could probably find some real passion for one to three years, if you're lucky. Then you might settle in to some nice sex but that's what it would be. And it could get stale in time as well. I think a sexless marriage is not a good thing and there are techniques for getting the sparks back in a marriage that started off for good reasons. Yours did not. Frankly, it sounds like you never really got married...but you got "best-friended" and it's really hard to be sexually passionate with a friend. You have to decide what's important to you. If you want a passionate relationship, the duration of which would be uncertain, you have to split with your husband and move on. If you want to be comfortable with your best friend forever, remain where you are. If that doesn,t help you...phone a friend!!!