Thought I knew what I want

[joemax]

Hey all

This might be a bit long to read but please, if you have 5 minutes just take a look

 

I spent the first 18 years of my life longing for that feminine touch, hoping to get a girlfriend that I could LOVE and make happy. To be there for her when she cried, buy her flowers to make her smile. I was really into all that lovey dovey stuff.

 

A bit after I turned 18, I met this girl online and we met and really hit it off. We've been together for a year and a half and for the first...6 months everything was perfect. After 6 months though, I started flirting with some girls, but I have never cheated on her and never would. 2 Girls have asked me out but I have turned them both down. I thought I knew what I want. I think I love her, when I'm with her everything is great. But when we're out together, I often find myself checking out other girls and wondering how it is being single again. I do flirt a little bit with girls, but never has it gone beyond that.

 

I don't want to hurt her. 2 months ago, we went on " a break" because I felt really pressured about everything. During that week I knew that we were gona get back together but it hurt so much listening to her cry on the phone. And I guess I wasn't in as bad shape as her because I knew that I wanted to get back together with her and that it was in my hands.

 

I think I wana be with her, but I also really wana be single. I feel really confused. Sometimes, and I'm ashamed to say this, I picture other girls when we're making love. I'm still only 20 and I feel like this is my chance to really experience life. But I also wana love. I don't know what to do.

 

Any help will be appreciated. I know it's hard to help someone who doesn't know what they want, but any insight would be very helpful. Thank you.

[Faded]

All I can say is, The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

 

If what you have is perfect when you're together, Why bother looking what you might not find elsewhere? People always want what they can't have.

[saams]

it's hard to say..you may leave her and feel much much better with some one else in the future OR you leave her and you'll be crying yourself to sleep a month after becourse you find out you actually love her and now she is with someone else..

[Ronni_W]

Joe,

It is perfectly normal for your wants, needs, preferences, likes, dislikes and goals to change at different stages of your life.

 

What is important, is to be aware of when the changes happen, and get to know what your new wants and needs are. Part of being a well-functioning adult is the ability to be flexible and to adapt to these inevitable changes.

 

Your mind, heart and spirit are ready to expand your experiences so that you can learn new life lessons, skills and coping strategies. Your age is the right time to start doing that.

 

Yes, your first break-up will be tough on both of you but you (both) will survive...just like everyone else does. And you will have many, many more opportunities to love and be loved.

 

When in doubt, listen to your Heart -- it's that tiny little voice that whispers or screams until you pay attention...it won't be ignored. And then find the courage to follow what it is urging you to do.

 

Best of luck.

[CHANTRESS]

First all...it is completely NORMAL to check other people out, even if you're in a relationship. As long as that is as far as it goes.

 

I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself, considering your age.

I did not read anything in your post that mentioned your g/f's feelings. You are not the only one who counts in this relationship. Did you consider that maybe your g/f

might not be happy either? Or that she may be thinking of other guys when she is with you? You did not mention that this was not a GOOD relationship...but just that you think of other women during sex with her..and check other women out.

This is NOT a reason to break up a otherwise good relationship. Sex is important

but by no means everything.

 

You are young....and you may simply not be ready to settle down. This is very normal. Maybe it IS best for you to explore what'sout there...but just be prepared

to see that every relationship has it's issues...regardless of how great the sex is.

 

Just do the honorable thing and break uo with your g/f BEFORE you do this.

She deserves that much.

[joemax]

I really think she is happy. Anytime I even come close to things maybe not working out between us she becomes teary-eyed, and that just kills me. I don't wana break up with her and then regret it for the rest of my life. I think if I see her with someone else, it'll hurt so much.

 

But I also really miss being able to flirt, seeing other girls and just exploring what's out there. I've come to a point where I really have no clue what I want. I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but what if it is? How do I find out? I know the obvious answer is to just be single but is that a risk that's worth it? Do I stay with her for a couple of more months and maybe things will get better?

 

It's come to the point where I have trouble enjoying sex. And I don't want it to be like that. I feel horrible about this. She doesn't deserve this.

 

I'm sorry for the non-stop bitching.

[Faded]

It's all Valid; If you're really having soo many doubts on being with her - Maybe you do -need- to get out there and explore your options. Just don't leave her hanging if it's what you decide in the end.

 

Just.. be ready to lose her for good if you're planning on doing this. Don't go into this expecting to date around and then have her there when you're done and know/think she's the one for you.

[Ronni_W]

It's come to the point where I have trouble enjoying sex. And I don't want it to be like that. I feel horrible about this. She doesn't deserve this.

For you, it's about focusing on what you DO deserve, not on what someone else does not. It is difficult not to allow one's self to be manipulated by someone else's tears, disappointment, etc., but we have to do our best to live according to our own life's plan and purpose.

 

Self-worth is believing that YOU are worthy of having your own needs and wants fulfilled; accepting that you are not required to sacrifice your personal growth, happiness and success just because what you want is in conflict with what another person wants/hopes/expects from you.

 

Self-responsibility is having the courage and ability to take care of your own needs and desires. Sometimes that means leaving behind whatever is not supporting your own needs fulfillment, growth and happiness. (Could be a person, job/career, study program, etc., that you'll need to leave in the past...so that you can take steps to build the future that you want for yourself.)

 

You can be assertive, and take a stand for, and make wise decisions about, your own Life...OR you can wimp out and become a victim of someone else's manipulations, tears and wants, and let her/him dictate your life for you. It is a choice. And it's a matter of being aware and conscious of what you're choosing for yourself.

 

PS: I would say that you're "brain-storming" and "contemplating" your future, not "bitching" about your present .

[Narf]

You can be assertive, and take a stand for, and make wise decisions about, your own Life...OR you can wimp out and become a victim of someone else's manipulations, tears and wants, and let her/him dictate your life for you. It is a choice. And it's a matter of being aware and conscious of what you're choosing for yourself.

 

Mostly i agree with this post except for the bolded bit... Yes i agree you should do what you feel is right but thinking of your g/f actions as manipulations is harsh!! She is in love and she just wants you.. She isnt doing it to control you she is doing it cause you leaving withh hurt her...

But still at the end of the day you need to decide.. and if you decide to leave then dont give her hope... It isnt fair.. Im stuck in a place of hope and it sucks!! although i am starting to get stronger (took 6 months to disconnect from the guy that didnt want a relationship cause he is young and wants to experience life) but he kept me there cause "Im the sort of person he wants to marry" and he "didnt think he would meet someone like me this young so he is confused" ... Being on the other side hurts so much.. If you want to get out there and explore then leave her to do the same you have to let her go fully.. Otherwise you are a selfish and i hope she is strong enough to stay away from you.. You will do more damage then you can imagine and from reading your post i think you want to limit the pain...

[joemax]

Seeing her cry kills me. Seriously, it makes me die inside. I know I'm reiterating everything, but I don't know what to do. I feel almost exactly the same way as your ex Narf. I think she's the kind of girl I would ultimately marry, but right now I'm 20, and I just feel like this is when I should be experimenting and learning and ****ing up.

 

Don't they say you only have one love in life? What If I break up with her and never love again?

[0hpenelope]

Regarding better things... Here's another perspective.

 

This is a Christian teaching, but it's something appropriate for those who don't have a religious affiliation. If this can be found in other religions I won't be surprised, but I threw that out there so you know where I'm coming from.

 

Here's the thing: there's always going to be something better. There will always be upgrades to something. The key to happiness is contentment.

 

I believe this - and finding that contentment's my personal journey too, but not in a relationship sense. But in terms of a relationship... It's kind of like for women (and insert your fantasy heartthrob here ladies, whatever works for you!), we want our guy to have Einstein's intelligence, Brad Pitt's looks, Johnny Depp's appeal... and instead, we get Groucho Marx. But we love our Groucho anyway.

 

That said... You're doing her a favor by going on this break. She deserves someone who's more committed. If she moves on, you just have to let her be.

 

Meanwhile, I don't think you should do yourself a disservice either. You're more than welcome to indulge your restlessness... pretty much the majority of us are at this point anyway. You do what you have to do for yourself, too.

 

Just my $0.02.

[Ronni_W]

I just feel like this is when I should be experimenting and learning and ****ing up.

Is it that you have a deep want and desire to explore life, or just that you think you "should" be having such a want and desire because of your age?

 

If it's a matter of "I should", then that is NOT reflecting your own heart but someone else's belief (or society's belief.)

 

Honestly, if you are happy in this relationship (except for "society's belief" that you might be missing out on something else), then you are happy and that is an ideal situation. Do not be influenced by external beliefs that don't work for you and don't support what you really, truly, deeply want and are completely content with.

 

But no, there is not just "one love" that you can look forward. The Universe has the power to deliver many, many instances for you to experience what you want, under many different conditions, with a multitude of people. You just have to be open to seeing and having those experiences when they show up. That's your part of the "co-creation process", as it's called in some circles -- to be open to receiving everything you want.

 

If it is your own want and desire to explore life then, obviously, you are going to need to build up your courage and strength enough to be able to withstand her tears. I suspect it makes you feel guilty and maybe even like a "mean" or "bad" person. But that is not the case, it is just a misguided self-perspective...which does need some work and cognitive reframing to overcome.

[SilverLining]

have also broken up with good girls to 'sow wild oats'. They did end up gaining something they hadn't before - bitterness. I may be female, but I have plenty of male friends, and there are some who have some very high numbers sexually, and they all say that the girls are all the same. Pretty, ugly, fat, thing...it doesn't matter if they don't touch your heart in some way. Flesh is flesh. It doesn't sound like you want to experience more of life - it sounds like you want to have sex with other girls. In that case, please move on, because you aren't committed or content with your girlfriend. You are more interested in the promise of a new body, which really doesn't have much to offer you beyond what your current girlfriend already does. In a way, think of it like shirts - there are so many different colors and styles of shirts, and there are some that don't fit right and are uncomfortable and some you would wear every day if you could. But when you get right down to it, they are all still shirts. You aren't going to go into your closet one day and find a Lexus. You can go out and sleep with many other girls, but at the end of the day, you won't have done much more than learned how to have sex with different people. You won't have improved emotionally, you won't have found something grand if this is your attitude. If you were unsatisfied with your relationship beyond this issue, that would be different. But you are willing to take a loving relationship and throw it away so you can sleep around. The bottom line is, you need to end this relationship because you are unable to appreciate what you have. Maybe after being with a few girls and having your heart broken a couple times, you will understand what I'm talking about.

[joemax]

I completely understand what you say, and would like to thank you all for all your replies. On the other hand, I don't think I "just wana have sex with other girls". I really don't think so. You're right, I should be appreciating what I have more and I'm not, I honestly don't know why. I have had my heart broken before which is why I'm so relutant to do this. I don't want to cause her that pain. She's too good for that.

 

I've arrived at a place where I'm really stuck. It may not seem that way but in one direction, If I break up with her and experience being single again, and then I want her back and she's not available, what am I gona do? There's nothing I'll be able to do. But in the other direction If I do stay with her, how long am I gona keep wondering what it's like to be single again?

 

And Ronni, I really have a desire to explore life more, go out, talk to people without having the guilt. Just being a bit more free. I know this relationship shouldn't make me feel "caged up", but for some reason, it does. And I don't wana feel that way. Maybe it is better if I break up with her just to realise what I have. I don't know.

[SilverLining]

Alright, it sounds like you just want to break up with her, and if that is how you are feeling, you really should. You don't need to worry about not finding love again. You will find someone that you can love. If you are not ready for a relationship such as the one you are in, do not beat yourself up. Everyone is ready at different times. Let her go to find her own way, and you can find your own way as well. Good luck.

[joemax]

I realise the sensible thing to do would be to break up. I don't know if I can do it though. I'm gona miss her a lot. She's gona be heartbroken and so will I. I wish there was a way we could take a break for like a year and see where we stand in a year. I know I have it in my hands, and I know that I'm an idiot, but maybe this is a mistake I need to make? But what if it's a mistake I can't recover from.

 

I mean, when she just talks about her date with some guy that she went on before we knew each other, it makes me feel all weird and disgusted. I don't know how I would react if I saw her with another guy.

[joemax]

I'm trying to fight this. I feel like I should be the guy who's a long term relationship. I feel like I should be happy, and I don't know why I'm not. I feel like cutting my dick off because I do get thoughts. When I'm with her, things are great. But I start thinking that there are prettier girls out there. And what if there's something better? Sometimes I think I wana be with her, but other times I think I wana break up with her. I'm unhappy. I know I shouldn't be, I know this is idiotic and childish almost, but I am.

[LoveHowTo]

With life expectancy approaching 80, do you really want to make a life-long commitment at age 20? You would have to be a lot surer than you are.

 

It's hard to hurt someone you care about, and obviously your need to see what else life can hold in store for you hurts your girlfriend. But you can't go against your instincts. What you are doing is called acting your age. You've had a positive relationship and liked the experience, but you think there's more. You're right, there is.

 

You're not ready for a commitment, nor should you be at 20. Go have fun, but treat your current girlfriend with kindness and respect. Not only do you not want to break her heart, but you may want to go back to her someday.

 

Laura

LoveHowTo.com

[xpaperxcutx]

Honestly, no amount of coercing from people on LS is going to get you to stay with her, because you've practically made up your mind. Seriously, I think you're selfish if you think you can date other people and get back with your ex later. You can't expect her to wait a year for you while you go out and have random sex. If you break up with her, I think you did her a favor. She would see you as the person that you are: selfish. But don't stay in the relationship just because you're afraid to see her cry, she'll get over it eventually. You have issues, and you shouldn't get her mixed up in it.

[breakupunderachiever]

the fact that you posted in this forum suggests that you already know what you want. that is, the chance to move on and experience other relationships. it sounds like you are in the relationship more out of obligation and fear than actual commitment, and that is not fair to your partner.

 

that being said, letting go of someone who brings you comfort, joy and truly cares for you is a terrible thing to do. but i think sticking with someone just cos 'the grass isn't always greener' is not enough.

 

i can't say whether your current partner is or isn't the one for you, but it sounds like that's something you need to discover on your own.

 

to a large extent you have already left the relationship emotionally (calling a break etc). being in a person who is not sure if they want to be in a relationship is actual hell. if you love your partner, you won't leave her there. or tell her how you are REALLY feeling and let her make the call. like all of us, she deserves to live in truth.

[RecordProducer]

I don't think this has to do with age or whether the grass is greener here or there. He thinks he loves her, but dreams of other girls. He has the Casanova profile. , which is not really his fault. This romantic euphoria, flirting, checking out girls, cheating in his mind, not wanting to hurt her - are totally symptoms of a young Casanova. If I am right, then he will always seek variety and never be pleased with just one woman. He basically needs more than one woman. The question for him is not whether he wants her or not - he definitely wants her, since he said he knew they'd get back together - but how to have her AND all other girls. Please don't forget that he is interested in GIRLS (plural).

 

Now he doesn't know what's going on and he feels bad about how he is feeling knowing that he will eventually hurt his girlfriend. But gradually, this boy will not be able to resist his instincts and he will start looking for ways to indulge himself. In order to do so, he will have to resort to lies in this monogamist society or he will have to be the eternal bachelor.

 

He is really a victim of his own psychological structure. Nonetheless, some day women will call him a jerk, a cheater, and a liar. Poor thing.

[Woggle]

I understand why you want to see what is out there but you seem to have found a good woman which is not a common thing to find. Take it from older men out there that most women will pale in comparison to her. Hang around with a few older men who have been through it with women and see if you still want to give up a good thing.

[Ronni_W]

I don't want to cause her that pain. She's too good for that.

, I really have a desire to explore life more, go out, talk to people without having the guilt. Just being a bit more free. I know this relationship shouldn't make me feel "caged up",

I'm unhappy. I know I shouldn't be, I know this is idiotic and childish almost, but I am.

There isn't anything like "I SHOULD BE" happy, sad, grateful, sorry, or whatever. Your feelings just are what they are...no need to apologize or feel guilty for them. Your feelings don't make you "idiotic and childish", they just make you 'you'. They are just reflecting your deeper needs, desires and goals...which, right now, you are trying really hard to ignore, deny and suppress.

 

But Joe, that doesn't work! Those are maladaptive ways of coping with our genuine, heartfelt needs, desires and feelings. You can break up with her now, or you can get divorced from her in 10, 20 or 30 years. That's how your current feelings are gonna work against you, if you do not listen to them now.

 

The fact for you right now is that this relationship IS keeping you "caged up". It's not that you "should" or "shouldn't" feel that way...it's that you DO feel that way. And you owe it to yourself to set yourself free. You DESERVE to be free to follow your own life's path and purpose. You really do.

 

I would caution against breaking up just to try to find out what you have now, though. That just sets both of you up for future disappointments. When you break up, do so with the intent and knowledge that it is to close this chapter of your lives, and move forward free and unencumbered.

 

It is life's BIG challenge to take care of our own reasonable and healthy needs and desires in ways that cause others the least amount of stress and distress. That is, to do it with understanding and compassion.

That just means that you let her down easy and gently. NOT that you disappoint YOURSELF. It does NOT make you a "bad, mean or miserable" person to follow your own Heart. Yes, sometimes one does need courage to do that...and THAT is the life lesson here: to find your courage so that you can stand up for your own Heart, and do what it needs you to do.

 

This is about you and your heart's desires...not about hers. She is in charge of hers, and she has power and strength to deal with whatever life delivers to her. You do not have ANY power over her life's path and purpose...you don't have any REAL power to "protect and save" her from her own life's lessons. Honestly, you don't.

[joemax]

I know it's extremely selfish of me to want her to give us another shot in a year or two. But that's how I feel, I can't help it.

 

I know 20 is young, but how come some people find their soulmate when they're 18 and spend the rest of their lives with them? I have a feeling I'm gona break up with her and go from relationship hell to another.

 

Some people have told me that relationships aren't always a rainbow, but if I fight through it and try to work things out, eventually things will get better.

 

Maybe we are different people. We have the same humour, but I like to stay up late and she likes to go to bed early. I'm more social than she is. She enjoys clubs and dancing and I don't. Her mom doesn't like me. She never wants her to see me. She has to lie to her mom sometimes to see me and I HATE THAT! She doesn't understand why I hate it. It makes me feel like we're doing something wrong, like we're commiting a crime, and we're not. I want her to stand up for us more. I want her to stand up for herself more. She doesn't understand that.

 

I asked her the other day that if we ever broke up, would we stay friends? She said she doesn't know, and changed subjects quickly. It makes me sad just thinking about not being with her. She's hinted on wanting to spend to rest of her life with me. The week we were on a break, she said she felt physically sick and couldn't eat and could barely stop crying. I feel so wrong doing this. She loves me, what if noone else gives me that?

[Ronni_W]

, but how come some people find their soulmate when they're 18 and spend the rest of their lives with them?

Joe, how many real-life people do you know, who that happened to? Three generations ago, divorce wasn't seen as an option for the majority of the population -- so, how do we know that the generation of our great-grandparents (or even grandparents) were truly, blissfully happy with each other on their deathbeds??? How do we know they died with the thought, "Despite everything else, at least I've always been with my soul mate" ???

Some people have told me that relationships aren't always a rainbow, but if I fight through it and try to work things out, eventually things will get better.

This is a personal belief: "Fighting" for happiness is just not a goal that we ought to set for ourselves. WTF is that about, I wonder? Yes, all relationships face challenges and, yes, we ought to do our best to find mutual compromises and ways to overcome such situations when they arise.

But seriously...would you really advise anyone else to START OFF knowing that they will be struggling and fighting for their everyday happiness and even a smidgen of sustained inner peace?

 

YOU are lovable. You were born lovable and acceptable. You will, therefore, meet many others who will give you love, and will receive your love.

 

Of course you are different people. You were born unique, as was she. The differences that you mention, though, do not necessarily make or break a relationship.

Focus instead on what your FEELINGS are telling you, about having this relationship at this particular stage of your personal growth and development. It (the relationship) is stunting you according to your previous posts. You, as a person, have gone stagnant in it. Focus on that, and make your decision based on the knowledge of that.

 

Choose how much you want to grow, at the age of 20. That's all you're being called upon (by your own feelings) to do. Do you want to grow right now, or are you okay stagnating? It's as simple as that, or as complex. You get to choose that, too.