Thought I knew what I want

[Ronni_W]

You man to say that she's needy and dependent on me?

 

No, I meant more you being "needy & dependent" on that idea of 'having to have a girlfriend, having to have someone who loves me' (not so much that you acted/act needy or clingy with any specific person.) Hope that helps to clarify it(?)

 

Well, I do believe that I need her in my life (doesn't someone in love need the person he's in love with?),

 

The first thing is, if you KNOW, 100% that you ARE "in love" WITH HER, then what are you doing or attempting to do by pretending (or telling yourself) otherwise? Because. I've been going on the fact that you are NOT sure about that, and that your 'Inner Voice' has been trying to dissuade you from POSSIBLY bs'ing yourself about that.

 

The second thing would depend on one's definition of "need". To me, a "need" is something I can't do without, couldn't survive without -- water, sleep, food, fresh air, shelter from harsh weather. And the rest of it is, basically, a want or a preference. (Yes, we do refer to our emotional, spiritual, physical, financial, mental and social needs...but we won't actually die if we don't get those met. Their fulfillment makes life so MUCH richer and more enjoyable, but life would not be impossible without.)

 

For me, I don't "need" my b/f as much as I really enjoy (or "love") having him in my life. He ADDS to the richness and enjoyment...but he doesn't create it for me. I CAN survive without him and, if he wasn't around, I WOULD find different ways/people that would also enrich and contribute pleasure to my experiences.

 

It could be that my heart is guiding me to find the "in love". I don't know. I mean...I'm looking for the answer . I'm still trying to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be learning out of this.

 

Well spotted! But. Why isn't that PART of what you're supposed to be learning at this particular time? According to what your own intuition told you about what you wrote, you need to learn how to find/create and recognize the "in love" that you want, that you don't have yet.

 

Put another way, howcome you're ignoring it, when you DO get some (or maybe that is ALL) of your answer? Seems as if you keep saying that you're still looking...but you're not noticing that you may have already found!

 

So...just let your heart continue to guide you exactly as it has been doing! Ask a question, trust what comes into your head (just as if you are 'guessing' at the answer.) If a thought makes you feel crappy, THAT is your heart's sign that your answer does not lie in the direction of that thought. Emotions are the 'language' of the heart. Kind of: crappy feelings means start thinking in a different direction, change your focus, grab onto a new thought.

 

*If* you HAD to guess, what would you guess would make you a little bit happier, right now?If I had a better job, if I was in school...

 

Okies. What is the first, smallest step you need to take, to get a better job? And same question, about going back to school?

 

in the past couple of months we were together, she was talking, and I just wasn't there. I just didn't feel like i was commited to the relationship

 

THAT was (those niggly feelings were) your heart communicating with you. Things felt 'off' because your heart knew things were 'off'. It is okay to trust it, when you hear it. Your own Heart and 'Inner Voice' will work towards your own long-term best interests. It is okay to trust it. Even when we can't make sense of HOW it's meant to be in our best interest, it just means that we haven't yet hit the last piece that'll help us make sense of it all.

 

Trust your feelings, really, is the best thing I can suggest. Work from the premise that if you are following your deep-down feelings, then you are on the right track. (Again, it doesn't have to do with doing things just so you DON'T feel crappy...it's about doing things that you *sense* will ultimately lead you to much greater fulfillment.)

[joemax]

1) Instead of thinking about how she feels, think about how YOU feel about the relationship? Do you want this other person in your life, and if so, why? Is it just because you are lonely and want affection, or do you truly value them as a person? Is it because you just like being with someone, or is she truly special?

 

Well, it's hard to answer. I do want her in my life, because she makes me happy. Even when my day is crappy, she makes it somehow better. She makes me smile and has always supported me in everything. She makes me feel safe. She understands me and my sometimes unconventional, politically-incorrect humor. She doesnt judge me.

 

 

 

2) Needs and wants will be with you for the rest of your life, in all likelihood, but do you want them to dictate your behavior? It's better if your behavior is based on your personally defined values and goals, not on "needs" or "cravings" (the Buddha [COLOR=#ff0000]knew[/COLOR] this, as did Jesus). Action based on perceived "needs" and "cravings" leads to short term gratification (and in some cases addiction). Action based on values leads to long term satisfaction and a rich and meaningful life.

 

Don't we all let our behavior be influenced by our needs and wants? If the tiger wants to eat and survive, he will migrate and go where there is more food, hence changing his lifestyle. (Do tigers even migrate? Bad example, sorry). And no, I don't want my life to be dictated by my needs and wants. But when it comes to the person I love, I will obviously be affected by it.

 

 

 

 

 

The first thing is, if you KNOW, 100% that you ARE "in love" WITH HER, then what are you doing or attempting to do by pretending (or telling yourself) otherwise?

 

i'm trying to find out Ronni. I really am. I dont know what love is. is it drying for the person you're in love with? Maybe. I know that when I'm with her, I have this need to hug her and cuddle with her, and when we would make love, it was more than just pleasure. Althought in the last month of the relationship, even the sex wasn't very good. I do not know 100% that I'm in love with her. I don't know that. I'm hoping I'll get some kind of sign from above or from inside that will clarify things for me.

 

Do you think I should go on a date or two, and see how I 'feel' after that? If I feel crappy and 'wrong', maybe that'll be my answer? My feelings for her weren't the problem, it was almost that everything got too..."routine" between us. There wasn't enough excitement for me. There wasn't enough...adventure.

 

 

Okies. What is the first, smallest step you need to take, to get a better job? And same question, about going back to school?

 

I'm already working on that. Next year I'm planning on going back to school.

 

 

thank you to you both.

 

 

 

 

By the way, I know this is completely moronic and something I really shouldn't have done, but we saw each other saturday. And she spent the night at my place, and we made love. And it was terrific. I am more confused than Paris Hilton watching Jeopardy right now.

[Ronni_W]

and we made love. And it was terrific. I am more confused than Paris Hilton watching Jeopardy right now.

Actually, I'm not getting why you decided it was "moronic"(???) But I'm going to suggest that you're only feeling confused because you think you're SUPPOSED TO feel confused because you decided it was moronic.

 

And congrats on taking the steps to become happier! It is now okay to STOP feeling unhappy about work and school...because you already know that you are already doing all you can to remedy the cause of any unhappiness that is related to those two things. Just give yourself permission to stop whining about (making yourself unhappy about) the state of your current work and education.

 

Of course you are correct that animals will do whatever they need to do in order to survive. But they will do that regardless of what their mates decide to do. They don't have human emotions to get in the way of their survival.

 

And you are correct that humans do live their entire lives in ways that will (hopefully) lead to the fulfillment of their own (individual & unique) needs, wants and goals...in accordance with their own values and beliefs. That IS human nature, whether or not we want to admit to such a self-serving existence.

The trick is to ensure that our wants and needs are realistic and reasonable, and to ensure that WE are capable of adequately fulfilling our own wants and needs.

Yes, we can ask for others' support but we ought not EXPECT it; we are not ENTITLED to it. And we definitely cannot make others solely responsible to meet our wants and needs...they ought to be busy attending to THEIR own needs and desires. They need their freedom, time and inner resources to be doing that for themselves.

 

 

Where you ARE showing neediness is in your belief (or want, or need) that she "makes" you happy. That is NOT her job, not her obligation, not her responsibility. Same as it is not YOUR job to ensure that any other adult is happy.

 

Functional adults recognize and accept self-responsibility for their own happiness and success.

At the same time, I can definitely see how your ex CONTRIBUTES and ADDS to your positive feelings about yourself. Those are the same qualities that I value and appreciate in my b/f -- total acceptance, non-judgment, etc.

 

But your job (or self-responsibility) is to totally accept your Self, not judge your Self, understand your Self. If you already had that level of self-esteem, you would not need her (or anyone else) to give it to you. Your relationships would then become just mutually supportive and encouraging -- you encouraging her to develop her own Self and fulfill her own needs & wants however way she determined was best for her, and she doing the exact same for you. To me, THAT is "love" and "in love" -- wanting for your mate what your mate wants for her- or himself. (Not "needing" your mate to make you feel happy or accepted or understood. That is 'neediness', or dysfunctional 'love'.)

 

So. How do you need to start thinking about things, so that you will stop self-judging your unique sense of humour??? -- As long as you do go about judging your own Self harshly, it will also result in corresponding 'neediness' for someone else to come along and make your style of humour "okay". But it is YOUR job to make ALL your own stuff okay. (Is this making any sense?)

 

Forget, if you will, about being willing to die for someone ELSE -- are you ready to die for YOUR SELF??? That's when you know that you love and are in love with 'you', and that is when you know that you have found "in love", and that is also when you know that you now have it to give to others.

[joemax]

I know, and I know that I have to improve on 'liking' myself more. Maybe that is the core of the problem. I don't like myself enough?

 

Not to say that the temptations of a single life aren't present, but I guess I have to figure out what I want. And I'm trying to do that.

 

It's just hard sometimes. I feel pressured a lot to NOT be in a relationship. Maybe because I'm young. I'm not sure. Maybe I feel that I'm young, so i should be 'out there' experiencing. But then I remember what I had/have with her, and I become so confused. It's a weird feeling, but I guess it's part of growing up and finding yourself.

[Ronni_W]

I have to improve on 'liking' myself more. Maybe that is the core of the problem. I don't like myself enough?

Yes. I think that your 'Inner Voice' is trying to tell you that the real problem that you're struggling with is that you don't like yourself enough.

IT IS ABOUT WHO YOU ARE, not what you want.

 

So...start asking, "Who am I?" instead of "What do I want?" And see how that changes things for you, internally.

Who am I? What about who I am is important to me? What do I like about who I am? What qualities of who I am, am I proud of? How do I add to other people's lives? What do I have to give them that can potentially make them happier and more successful? How do I give/express my support and encouragement to others? What would I like to accomplish, personally and on my own, in my lifetime?

 

It's about what you can and want to GIVE to life, not just what you can take from life. Giving, not just "wanting".

 

So. It is okay, and even preferable, to FORGET about whether you are single or whether you are hooked-up. Your 'status' makes no difference to what you are struggling with: Who is "joemax", and why should I like him? That is, what does he have to GIVE me?

[joemax]

I think I like myself. Well, I like to think that I do. But I do know that I'm still in the process of figuring out WHO I am. I'm opinionated, I'm loud, I make politically incorrect jokes which often offend people, but I don't take them seriously. I like that about myself.

 

When I was young (er), I had a dream to become a professional athlete. I came pretty close, scouts were gona come to see me play, but I got a pretty bad injury and could never recover. That really hurt me. I've been somewhat bitter ever since. I haven't really played on any sort of team since.

 

I am a person who brings smiles to people's faces. I help my family out as much as I can. I love to help people out.

 

I want to be involved with sports. I want to work in the field. And I'm gona work hard to make that happen.

 

PS: Saw in your location that you're from Toronto. Leafs fan?

[Ronni_W]

I think I like myself. Well, I like to think that I do. But I do know that I'm still in the process of figuring out WHO I am. I'm opinionated, I'm loud, I make politically incorrect jokes which often offend people, but I don't take them seriously. I like that about myself.

It is good that you do like those aspects of yourself!

However, that isn't WHO you are -- it describes how you act sometimes (probably depending on the situation?)

 

I am sorry that your dreams for being a professional athlete were dashed. Your bitterness makes sense, of course. To whom, or at what, would you say that your bitterness is generally, mostly directed?

 

Are you able (health/physically) to play a team sport at recreation level? Or maybe even coach 'little league'? If so, would you like to do that? If so, when are you gonna start?

(I am interpreting that you intend to make some aspect of sports your profession/career -- so my questions are more about what you plan to do, relating to sports, while you are still studying and getting whatever credentials you may need to earn a living at it.)

I help my family out as much as I can. I love to help people out.

Why is that, do you think?

 

 

I recently discovered a really good resource, and thought about you. I'm gonna suggest to "start at the very beginning"...but I realize that chapter 7 may just be too tantalizing for you to not go there, first . http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm

 

PS: Yeah <sigh> -- I am a Leafs, Jays and Raptors fan. That is, if I'm gonna root for anyone, those are "my" teams...no matter how badly they may suck <sigh>. Used to watch as many Leafs and Jays games as I could, but not so much, anymore.

When I was a kid, I used to be into soccer and cricket, which I don't even understand the first thing about cricket, anymore. My passions are Track & Field and Formula 1, though. And horse racing. Those are the things I go out of my way, to watch. The only sport I play, btw, is golf. I am MUCH more of a spectator.

[joemax]

To whom, or at what, would you say that your bitterness is generally, mostly directed?

 

Mostly towards the guy who broke my foot. But also towards the 'world'. I love life. I like to think that everything happens for a reason, but it's hard to think that way when something like what happened to me happens. I know there's stuff in life that's miles worse, but that's the way I feel. I feel so bitter. I had no plan B. That was it. Make it. That was all I had.

 

 

Are you able (health/physically) to play a team sport at recreation level? Or maybe even coach 'little league'? If so, would you like to do that? If so, when are you gonna start?

 

Yes, I would like to coach. Play, I don't think so. Coach, probably. Am I gona do it? I don't know. Soccer (it's the sport I played by the way) is only for a couple of months during the summer here. Maybe next summer...

 

 

 

 

Why is that, do you think?

 

Because. i believe there's still good in this world. i love random acts of kindness. I love letting people in my lane when I'm driving. I just like to see that there's still plenty of good in this world.

 

 

 

PS: Yeah <sigh> -- I am a Leafs, Jays and Raptors fan. That is, if I'm gonna root for anyone, those are "my" teams...no matter how badly they may suck <sigh>. Used to watch as many Leafs and Jays games as I could, but not so much, anymore.

When I was a kid, I used to be into soccer and cricket, which I don't even understand the first thing about cricket, anymore. My passions are Track & Field and Formula 1, though. And horse racing. Those are the things I go out of my way, to watch. The only sport I play, btw, is golf. I am MUCH more of a spectator.

 

Haha, I'm a Habs fan. Don't get me started on cricket, I just cannot understand that game. I'm a bit of a golf amateur myself. My friends and I love going to the local driving range and letting off some steam.

 

 

And by the way, thanks for that link. I'm gona check it out and tell you what I think.

[Ronni_W]

PS: My ex is a Habs (and Yankees) fan -- used to make for spirited conversations and rituals for putting curses upon the "enemy" team . I find that if I go to the range/course to "let off steam", my game is even worse than usual. So I have to remain very calm and meditative...and still that is so often not enough. Golf sure is a humbling experience!

 

To whom, or at what, would you say that your bitterness is generally, mostly directed?

Mostly towards the guy who broke my foot. But also towards the 'world'. I love life. ... I feel so bitter.

I totally get that it's the way you feel. The BIG question is: Are you ready and willing to transform your 'bitter' feelings into something 'sweeter'???

Because that is what you'll need to have first (the desire), and it is totally up to you as to whether you are going to want 'sweet' for yourself, instead of 'bitter'. You have the free will and power to choose what you want, about this.

 

People who stay bitter about the hardships and tough breaks that Life gives them, lose a lot of their capacity and ability to "love life". That's just a fact. If you want to stay in love with Life or, more accurately, fall back in love with Life, then you must choose to:

(a) Start working on forgiving the guy who broke your foot

(b) Start working on forgiving yourself for putting your foot in the wrong place at the wrong time

© Recommit to having a positive (loving, sweet, bitter-free) relationship with Life

(d) Develop a Plan B and, as quickly as possible, take action to make it your (new) reality

 

For you, this was an emotionally traumatic event. It doesn't matter that others are facing "miles worse". But. It is also up to you if you want this traumatic event to define WHO you are (a "bitter" person who used to love life)...cos that is the direction in which you are headed, if you don't choose a different course for yourself.

 

Only you have the power to transform what used to be a crushing defeat into an absolutely monumental victory. But you need to want to do that for yourself.

 

i believe there's still good in this world. i love random acts of kindness. I just like to see that there's still plenty of good in this world.

 

It's really weird but I'm exactly like that! The thing is we HAVE TO make ourselves the beneficiaries of some of our kindness, as well.

Forgiveness is an act of kindness towards the Self. Choosing 'sweet' over 'bitter' is an act of kindness towards the Self.

 

We can be kind to others until we are blue in the face, exhausted and totally depleted. That STILL won't help us be "in love" with Life if we're also carrying around old grudges, resentment and bitterness; and feeling unfulfilled and like a victim of circumstances.

 

All the random acts of kindness towards others will NEVER make up for a messed-up inner world, Joe.

 

See how your 'Inner Voice' responds to this statement: The "in love" that you are missing is that deeper feeling that you used to experience when you used to be genuinely "in love" with Life...before you broke your foot. You have TEMPORARILY MISPLACED that deep-down connection that you always felt, to Life itself.

[joemax]

If you want to stay in love with Life or, more accurately, fall back in love with Life, then you must choose to:

(a) Start working on forgiving the guy who broke your foot

 

I have tried before, I just don't think I can do it. I really have sat down before and thought about it, but it's really hard. Do you have any idea how I can forgive him? It was somewhat intentional too, which makes it that much harder.

 

And yes, I have been working towards a plan B. I've decided that I want to work in the sports field. Be it as a journalist or a reporter, I'm working towards making that happen. It still just feels so weird to have to follow a plan B, even after so long (7 years ago that it happened).

 

I'm just trying to find myself I guess is the whole thing. I'm trying hard though, but little by little I'm putting the pieces together. Now if I can just figure out this whole girl thing...

[Ruby Slippers]

Joe, are you a Sagittarius? You sound like a Sagittarius. (My recent ex is a Sagittarius.)

[Ronni_W]

Joe, I honestly don't think it's about a "girl thing" [because] your Inner Voice is being very helpful and co-operative about telling you what it's REALLY about, and it hasn't mentioned any "girl thing" (that you've mentioned here, anyway.)

The "girl thing" is, I'm guessing, just your conscious mind's way of trying to avoid/ignore what it is really about, for you. In my opinion and experience.

 

I'm just trying to find myself ... little by little I'm putting the pieces together.

 

Yep, I was going to mention that -- you are doing extremely well (but I guess you knew that, already?) You're starting to ask different questions, and you are hearing the clues/answers that you are receiving from your Higher Mind (Inner Voice.)

 

If you want to...fall back in love with Life, then you must choose to: (a) Start working on forgiving the guy who broke your foot

I have tried before ... but it's really hard. Do you have any idea how I can forgive him? It was somewhat intentional too,

 

Yes, I know how tough it can be. How are you doing on forgiving YOURSELF for your part in the incident?

What part of it was "somewhat intentional" on his part? That is, what is the evidence that you are using to support your belief?

 

 

The thing about forgiveness is that we do it FOR OURSELVES (not for the jerks who hurt us.) It doesn't mean that we are okay with what they did, or that their action didn't cause us harm. It doesn't mean that we are looking to be their "buddy" (again.) It doesn't mean that they can count on our support and/or affection.

 

It just means that we are going to fall back in love with Life, and claim back our own power to feel happy. It just means that we are fully committed to doing OUR part in helping to create kindness and "plenty of good" on our planet. It just means that we are not going to let them and their action turn us into bitter, angry, resentful individuals -- that we are going to be happy, kind and successful DESPITE their efforts to turn us otherwise.

 

As unnatural as it may sound, forgiveness is a CHOICE. We can do it, or we don't have to do it. The problem is that, if we choose to NOT do it, we are the ones who suffer the most from our decision. (WE are the ones who end up feeling lost, confused, bitter, disconnected and "out of love" with Life.)

 

Same as. Seven years later, it would be okay to just plain accept that a Plan B is necessary (without also needing/wanting that to feel "weird", if you see what I mean?)

 

HOW to do it...first you must decide whether or not you are ready and willing to let go of your angry (bitter) feelings about the entire matter. You must decide if you will prefer 'sweet' or 'bitter' in your life, your relationships and your experiences. You have free will...you get to choose.

 

If you wanted to, you could reflect on questions like:

~ Is it in MY best interest to forgive the guy who broke my foot? What benefit will *I* get from that? What has been my (subconscious) purpose for holding on to my bitterness - how has that helped me? How has my bitterness been limiting me? What do I need to know, to be able to start letting go of my anger towards that guy and/or the world?

 

~ How can I get totally cool with the fact that my life is going to end up totally different than I envisioned seven years ago? How can I ensure that the life I do end up with is going to be a thousand times better? What feelings, attitudes and beliefs will best serve me, to ensure that?

 

You Higher Mind DOES have the means to help you with all of that. And, now that you are more skilled at hearing it, such questions WILL help you gain more and more clarity, and insight into your Self and your feelings.

 

Sending hugs...and Courage and Strength to make your best choices that will best serve your (new) highest vision for your own life

[joemax]

Joe, are you a Sagittarius? You sound like a Sagittarius

 

Hehe, what do you mean I sound like a Sagittarius? And no, I'm a Leo.

 

 

Yes, I know how tough it can be. How are you doing on forgiving YOURSELF for your part in the incident?

What part of it was "somewhat intentional" on his part? That is, what is the evidence that you are using to support your belief?

 

I think I've forgiven myself completely. But I wasn't that angry at myself in the first place, I was too busy being angry at him. The evidence I have and I am going on is the fact that we both really really disliked each other, and word got out that scouts were coming to take a look at me, and he was jealous. I had the ball and was in no position of danger, it was completely reckless, unnecessaryand just stupid and hateful.

 

 

HOW to do it...first you must decide whether or not you are ready and willing to let go of your angry (bitter) feelings about the entire matter. You must decide if you will prefer 'sweet' or 'bitter' in your life, your relationships and your experiences. You have free will...you get to choose.

 

I am trying. I want to forgive him, I want to move on. but it was such a huge disappointment, a huge emotional shock that it's gona take time. I dont' know how long, but it is taking a long time. I am trying to do the right thing.

 

 

~ Is it in MY best interest to forgive the guy who broke my foot? What benefit will *I* get from that? What has been my (subconscious) purpose for holding on to my bitterness - how has that helped me? How has my bitterness been limiting me? What do I need to know, to be able to start letting go of my anger towards that guy and/or the world?

 

I know it is in my best interest. The benefit I get from it is peace of mind, I'm guessing. Willingness to move on. Willingness to accept it. What I need to knwo? Probably that despite everything that happened to me, it will all still be okay.

 

 

~ How can I get totally cool with the fact that my life is going to end up totally different than I envisioned seven years ago? How can I ensure that the life I do end up with is going to be a thousand times better? What feelings, attitudes and beliefs will best serve me, to ensure that?

 

I'm starting to come to terms with it. Like I said, I'll be okay. It's just taking getting used to. I don't know what attitude will best serve me, I don't know that yet. But I'm working on finding that out. Hopefully it'll come to me soon.

 

Once again Ronni, thank you so much for everything.

[Ronni_W]

I want to forgive him, I want to move on. but it was such a huge disappointment, a huge emotional shock that it's gona take time.

 

It's not even that it is "gonna" take time...it is that it HAS ALREADY taken a lot of time...seven years is a LONG time out of your life, don't you think?

 

Given the circumstances, maybe that isn't such a realistic target, to "want to forgive him"? So...maybe you can set a more achievable goal that doesn't even include him? Something like, "I want to be free of any negative effects and consequences of my experience" -- of course, use your own words that will most closely align with what you deep-down want your ultimate outcome to be.

I had the ball and was in no position of danger, it was completely reckless, unnecessaryand just stupid and hateful.

 

Yep. It sure does sound like there was some of that going on for him, on that day. But. We can also wonder about his ultimate intent -- was it just to take you out of that game (or any games where scouts would be), or was it REALLY to cause you a career-ending injury? Was he more acting from jealousy and his knowledge that you were a better player, or was he REALLY acting 'hateful'?

(Note: This is where you can, if you want, bring in some kindness and "planetary good", if you decide to give him some benefit of the doubt. You do have power and choice about how YOU want to think of it. And again, you'd be doing that for YOU, not at all for him.)

 

What I need to knwo? Probably that despite everything that happened to me, it will all still be okay.

 

I would say that is another 'answer' from your Higher Mind. And yes, it does take time to (re)build that "Trust and Faith in the Universe" that is needed in order to feel/know that all will be okay.

 

How do you feel you are doing, with that? - with rebuilding that connection to the part of you that knows without a doubt that the Universe is STILL kind and compassionate, and STILL has good intentions for you, and STILL has many, many good things in store for you?

 

Honestly, I think you already do have an excellent attitude -- looking to give and receive kindness; seeking your own Answers and Truth; wanting to be happy and successful. In my mind, that IS the best attitude.

 

 

I'm glad if I've been able to offer you anything useful, Joe. It really has been my pleasure to do that. I totally, 100% agree with you that you are going to be okay...in fact, much more than just "okay"...you are going to be GREAT!!!

[Ruby Slippers]

Hehe, what do you mean I sound like a Sagittarius? And no, I'm a Leo.

Oh, OK. I asked because Sag is the bachelor of the zodiac. They are notoriously restless, have wandering eyes, and have a lot of trouble committing to one person.

 

But Leo is a fire sign, like Sag (and Aries). Fire signs are supposed to be the most commitment-shy of all the zodiac. They tend to have big egos, love to be the center of attention, and are suckers for attention from the opposite sex. So I expected you to be a fire sign.

 

/astrological interpretation

[wonderboy00]

How are you feeling nowadays, Joemax? I am around your age (21) and just broke up with a girl that's so important to me, is really attractive, but something just started happening to me. I want to get back with her. Did you feel that, and did you just resist it and get through it, or do you still wish you had kept going with her?

[wonderboy00]

Yes. I think that your 'Inner Voice' is trying to tell you that the real problem that you're struggling with is that you don't like yourself enough.

IT IS ABOUT WHO YOU ARE, not what you want.

 

So...start asking, "Who am I?" instead of "What do I want?" And see how that changes things for you, internally.

Who am I? What about who I am is important to me? What do I like about who I am? What qualities of who I am, am I proud of? How do I add to other people's lives? What do I have to give them that can potentially make them happier and more successful? How do I give/express my support and encouragement to others? What would I like to accomplish, personally and on my own, in my lifetime?

 

It's about what you can and want to GIVE to life, not just what you can take from life. Giving, not just "wanting".

 

So. It is okay, and even preferable, to FORGET about whether you are single or whether you are hooked-up. Your 'status' makes no difference to what you are struggling with: Who is "joemax", and why should I like him? That is, what does he have to GIVE me?

 

This is a great post. I have a lot of the same sort of struggles of blaming myself, being angry at myself, and not forgiving myself for making mistakes. My ex always said that I had to learn to really love myself... she was willing to help, but how the hell do you go about doing it?

 

If no one minds (and, I guess, even if you do) I want to try to answer those questions...

 

What about who I am is important to me? My ability to be compassionate and empathetic. My sensitivity is important, as a burden and a gift. My independence and ability to be alone is something I value, and something I feel like I have lost at this particular moment. I value my ability to get good grades, scholarships, and to succeed by putting my mind to things.

 

What do I like about who I am? What qualities of who I am, am I proud of? The ones I am most proud of are compassion, empathy, a willingness to give, and a willingness to teach and learn. These are central to who I am and who I want to be. Compassion is an ideal state of mind and action for me - and though I don't live up to it, that is the nature of ideals. I think not living up to the ideal of compassion allows me to be more compassionate, in a way. But I have missed my spiritual activities - particularly meditation - because this helps me center myself to compassion. I think if I keep compassion in mind I can make a better decision.

 

How do I add to other people's lives? What do I have to give them that can potentially make them happier and more successful? I add a social flair, decent jokes, an ear to talk to. I am always looking to understand people and situations better (I believe that understanding is Love), via the compassion and empathy. I add a comfortable place for people to take refuge, interesting topics to think about, and gifts to be given and received.

 

What would I like to accomplish, personally and on my own, in my lifetime? What a difficult one. I would like to be able to show people the way I think, a way that can make people happy if they will accept their suffering. I want to be able to teach religious studies and history (my double major) in a way that gets people interested and leads to a fuller life for all involved. I want to experience different cultures, places, and people and learn to let go of fear and embrace impermanence. I want to be able to die without hating myself for making some huge mistake. Most of all, I want to change the people and the plants and the world close to me by compassion and understanding.

 

This has actually been quite enlightening for me. I feel like I have forgotten a lot of these things, and this makes me have some security in myself, come back to my center: empathy, compassion. I still hurt, I am still in pain, but that is the nature of existence... especially right now, when I feel like so much of me is falling apart. I need to ask: how can I be most compassionate, how can I show my love best, how can I express my love for the world around me the most?

 

Thanks so much for this post and the great conversation you two have going.

[joemax]

So...maybe you can set a more achievable goal that doesn't even include him? Something like, "I want to be free of any negative effects and consequences of my experience"

I think that is much more doable than forgiving him. I do want to forgive him, I really do. But it's extremely hard for me. Maybe I'm being a bit selfish.

 

 

But. We can also wonder about his ultimate intent -- was it just to take you out of that game (or any games where scouts would be), or was it REALLY to cause you a career-ending injury? Was he more acting from jealousy and his knowledge that you were a better player, or was he REALLY acting 'hateful'?

 

Either way, a tackle like the one he did...It was literally a week before people were supposed to come take a look at me. So either way, whatever his intention was, I fnid it very hard to believe that he didn't want to cause me harm. Any other situation, I would have forgiven him on the spot. But he knew the exact circumstances, so i really don't think I'm ready to forgive him. I just can't do it. At least not yet. Like I said, I have forgiven so many people before. I've forgiven my mom for promising things she couldn't do, I have forgiven my dad for doing the same, I have forgiven my friend for lying to me. I just can`t forgive him...not right now.

 

 

How do you feel you are doing, with that? - with rebuilding that connection to the part of you that knows without a doubt that the Universe is STILL kind and compassionate, and STILL has good intentions for you, and STILL has many, many good things in store for you?

 

I think I`m doing good on that front. I like people, I respect people who respect me. I enjoy living a lot. I`m excited to start the rest of my life.

 

 

 

 

How are you feeling nowadays, Joemax?

 

Not too good. I can`t stop thinking about her. I`m thinking to myself ``If I`m doing the right thing, why is my heart hurting so much when I think about her?`` But then I hold out, i wait for the truth. I wait for my heart to tell me what I need to do. I`m just so scared of losing her while I find out what I want, and I``m being so unfair to her, it sucks. She doesn`t understand why I can`t be with her if I love her. And it pains me a lot.

 

Did you feel that, and did you just resist it and get through it, or do you still wish you had kept going with her?

 

Yeah, I do wish I was with her. But I guess those are moments of weakness. I want everything to be back to normal. i wana hold her in my arms. Am I doing the right thing? I have no ***en clue. I really hope so. And I hope you`ll be allright too. What hurts the most is seeing her cry and thinking that I could potentially lose her forever. What if she`s the one, I thikn to myself. I wouldn`t be able to live with myself. But I`d like to answer to my heart, and then hopefully when I`m done doing that, she`ll still be there. I can only hope.

[Ronni_W]

either way, whatever his intention was, I fnid it very hard to believe that he didn't want to cause me harm.

 

I agree with you that his intent was to cause you harm. What you may want to determine is the DEGREE of harm that he intended to cause you. It isn't going to make any difference to the outcome from 7 years ago (the past). But it WILL make a huge difference in how you relate to the rest of the planet, on an on-going basis (your future).

 

It isn't "selfish" to not be able to forgive him. At least, not in my books. But there is obvious confusion in your DESIRE to do that versus your acknowledged INABILITY to do it (that is, right now you don't feel that you have the power to have what you want about this.) THAT inner conflict could be the fundamental cause of your confusion.

 

If you set yourself a different goal about the experience, possibly that confusion/conflict can be eliminated. (One theory might be: After 7 years of suppressing the confusion, it manifested for you as confusion about your relationship and discontent with your current job/career prospects. When you eliminate your inner turmoil over this [anger/bitterness vs. desire to forgive], you will get clear about the external stuff. How does that feel, for you? If you consider that theory, what message do you get from your Higher Mind?)

 

In any case, it is perfectly fine, and also preferable, to set a goal that you feel is more achievable. So, "want" something more along the lines of, "to be happy and successful despite any and every thing that has happened to me in the past."

 

with rebuilding that connection to the part of you that knows without a doubt that the Universe is STILL kind and compassionate,

I think I`m doing good on that front. I like people, I respect people who respect me. I enjoy living a lot. I`m excited to start the rest of my life.

 

But is the Universe going to help Joemax with planning and building the rest of his life?

 

How are you feeling nowadays, Joemax?

Not too good. I`m just so scared of losing her while I find out what I want,

 

Joe, is it okay if you go back to finding out what you can GIVE TO the planet? (instead of what you want from the Universe.)

It isn't a "weakness" to want to be back in the 'comfort zone' -- it is courage and strength to keep moving forward, even when moving forward (growing, developing) takes us away from our old limits.

 

Another theory is: If you are the one for her, and she is the one for you, then you both will be there for each other.

 

Maybe just look at it as: Right now, you are not 'the one' for anybody because you have too much internal conflict going on. And when you are done with sorting out your internal stuff, your 'one' will be revealed to you. So...the sooner you do that, the sooner you get to move forward with a whole bunch of other stuff in your life. (This part is like a "necessary evil", may be a good way to think about it???)

[Ronni_W]

how can I be most compassionate, how can I show my love best, how can I express my love for the world around me the most?

Wonderboy...I enjoyed learning about you! I don't want to hijack Joe's thread, so will keep it brief (well, as brief as I can be...as you may have noticed, it is quite a challenge for me .)

 

How I try to do things is to remember that it is the OTHER person who needs to teach me how compassion and love looks FOR THEM.

Because my idea of 'love' may not be yours, and if I want to show you that I love you, then I need to understand what will make you feel loved (or understood, or heard, or whatever.) If that makes sense?

 

Like you said, it's not that I am ALWAYS going to do it the way you need it, and sometimes I need to do it the way that works best for me but...we do need each other's input, and we do need to make a conscious note of that input, if we really want to SHARE love (or anything else.)

 

I almost want to suggest that you 'copy and paste', and start your own thread but...that is up to you, of course .

 

Joe, hope you don't mind that we are riding on your coattails, so to speak -- and also thanks for giving us the opportunity!

[joemax]

How does that feel, for you? If you consider that theory, what message do you get from your Higher Mind?)

 

I like that. I do. I want this to stop 'haunting me'. i wana get over it and live the rest of my life. I wana be able to look back at this experience and say "Yeah, that was not the way I planned things. Yeah, that was unfortunate. But you know what? **** happens. But you're gona be okay. I have to stop letting this affect me". I really want to.

 

 

So, "want" something more along the lines of, "to be happy and successful despite any and every thing that has happened to me in the past."

Yes, exactly. I'm gona be play despite anything that happened to me in the past.

 

 

But is the Universe going to help Joemax with planning and building the rest of his life?

 

Yeah, I think so. i have good friends that are there for me, and even though we don't exactly talk abotu everything and cry in each other's arms, they listen to me bitch all the time. And they help as best they can. And yes, there is still good in this world. Good that I'm gona be able to profit from.

 

Joe, is it okay if you go back to finding out what you can GIVE TO the planet?

 

Yeah, I'm not sure there's too much I can give though. Sure, I'm always there for my faimly and my friends, and anyone that needs someone to talk to. Yeah, I am a nice person. I'm kind, I'm down to earth, and I make peopel laugh. But apart from that, I don't save lives and I don't change lives.

 

 

 

Maybe just look at it as: Right now, you are not 'the one' for anybody because you have too much internal conflict going on. And when you are done with sorting out your internal stuff, your 'one' will be revealed to you. So...the sooner you do that, the sooner you get to move forward with a whole bunch of other stuff in your life. (This part is like a "necessary evil", may be a good way to think about it???)

 

I agree with you. I have to resolve my conflicts within me. I have to take care of that myself. I have to like myself more. once I do that, everythign will be clearer in my mind.

 

 

 

Joe, hope you don't mind that we are riding on your coattails, so to speak -- and also thanks for giving us the opportunity!

 

Not at all. I appreciate wonderboy sharing with us and the more I read up and the more I feel I'm not the only one in this boat, the better I feel. Thanks again.

[Ronni_W]

apart from that, I don't save lives and I don't change lives.

 

Are you SURE that kindness, empathy, compassion and forgiveness don't change lives???

And are you SURE that being able to give all of that does not count for a HELLUVA lot??? Are you SURE that those who know that you are always there for them don't feel comforted, supported and cared for???

 

When someone offers you comfort, support and caring when you need it, don't you end up feeling as if something has "changed" within you...even to the point sometimes like it was a "life saver" for you, in that moment when you needed it?

 

I want this to stop 'haunting me'. i wana get over it and live the rest of my life. I wana be able to look back at this experience and say "Yeah, that was not the way I planned things. Yeah, that was unfortunate. But you know what? **** happens. But you're gona be okay."

 

I'm not really sure what's stopping you from doing all of that right now -- can you help me gain some clarity about what, within you, is blocking it from happening for you in this very moment?

 

Maybe just look at it as: Right now, you are not 'the one' for anybody

I agree with you. I have to resolve my conflicts within me. I have to take care of that myself. I have to like myself more. once I do that, everythign will be clearer in my mind.

 

And I agree with you. But do you see how, if you keep wondering and doubting and desiring to get back with your ex anytime soon, you're actually wishing for her to get into a relationship with a b/f who is NOT yet 100% emotionally healthy? Do you really want her to end up with a b/f who is not too self-reliant and functional?

[joemax]

Are you SURE that kindness, empathy, compassion and forgiveness don't change lives???

And are you SURE that being able to give all of that does not count for a HELLUVA lot??? Are you SURE that those who know that you are always there for them don't feel comforted, supported and cared for???

 

It makes them feel good, it makes them feel cared for...yes. But does it change their lives? I'm not sure. Maybe a little bit.

 

 

can you help me gain some clarity about what, within you, is blocking it from happening for you in this very moment?

I guess it's the fact that I feel I have to settle for second best in terms of what I wana do with my life. This is plan B for me. It's not what I worked so hard for and what I was so close to. I know, I know, I have to adapt and get used to it. It's taken me long, it still is...But i'll do it eventually.

 

 

Do you really want her to end up with a b/f who is not too self-reliant and functional?

 

No. Which is why I broke we/I broke it off. It just sucks. It hasn't been any easier. I've cried myself to sleep more than once since we've broken up. I keep thinking of her smile, and trust me, I'm trying not to. Nothing is going well right now. I have no motivation to do anything. I rarely smile, and when I do, it's so heavy on me.

[Ronni_W]

it's the fact that I feel I have to settle for second best in terms of what I wana do with my life.

 

Well, I do get that...on our logical, 'physical existence' level. The only way I've been able to resolve that kind of disappointment for myself is to work towards looking at it from a 'higher plane'.

But I'm not sure if you're into that, or up for it.

 

Nothing is going well right now. I have no motivation to do anything. I rarely smile, and when I do, it's so heavy on me.

 

BIG hugs, Joe. Would it be helpful if you pretend that everything that you are feeling and experiencing is happening to your best friend -- what kind and compassionate words & insights would your Higher Mind give you, to tell him?

 

The other thing is, of course, that if your Conscious Mind is so intent upon being with your ex, then just let go of all this stuff, and ask her if she is willing to reconcile. I mean, that is a choice that is open to you, too.

[joemax]

But I'm not sure if you're into that, or up for it.

 

I am. Ihave a new goal for myself and I'm gona work towards making that happen. Hey, **** happens right? You'ev gotta fight through it. I'm gona fight trough it. This is the storm, and I'm going through it right now. You don't measure a man by how high he reaches, but by how far he goes after he's fell down right?

 

 

Would it be helpful if you pretend that everything that you are feeling and experiencing is happening to your best friend -- what kind and compassionate words & insights would your Higher Mind give you, to tell him?

 

I don't know. probably that if she really does love him, she'll be there waiting for him when he's done figuring everything out. And if he really does love her, his heart won't let him fall for anyone else, right? "you're not happy with where you are, the girl doesn't really deserve to be treated the way you treated her during the past 2 months you guys were together. She loves you, and I know you love her. But stuff like this can't be rushed just casue you're scared. Be scared. Are you doing the right thing? I don't know. But I know that this is part of life. We grow up, we make mistakes, we learn, and that makes everything so much sweeter"

 

 

 

 

The other thing is, of course, that if your Conscious Mind is so intent upon being with your ex, then just let go of all this stuff, and ask her if she is willing to reconcile. I mean, that is a choice that is open to you, too.

 

Oy, I was feeling okay until you said that.Lol. it's not your fault though. I confuse myself so much, so I have no idea how yuo're putting up with me. Wouldn't going back with her just make things worse? I just won't be as commited to the relationship as I'd like to be. I'd rather something like this happen than something worse (ie cheating, fighting, arguments etc)

 

 

Ronni, once again, thank you SO much! You really have helped.