Thought I knew what I want

[joemax]

Thanks for your replies - both of you. Push-forward, I'm really sorry for what your ex did to you. Noone should have to go through that, I wish life was easier and that there was a sure equation for happiness. Thank you for sharing, I mean that.

 

I seriously am so angry with myself right now. I have a perfectly good girl in front of me, and I'm ruining it, and for what!?

 

How do married people do it? how do they stay with one person for the rest of their lives and stay happy?

 

I know the right thing to do would be to let her go, but it hurts. I cry myself to sleep, and it\s so stupid, because this is in my hands...for now. Soon she won't be so forgiving and understanding and there for me. She'll find someone else and I'll spend the rest of my life probably having to think about the one that got away.

 

Short-term or long-term? I think the happiness will be long term, but during that happiness, I will have moments where I wont be very happy and will wana be single and wonder what it's like to be with other girls.

 

Does that make any sense to you guys? I wana be the guy who's like a bad-ass and gets many girls and stupid BS like that! It's so idiotic, yet I want it. It doesn't freakin make sense to me!

 

I've been rambling about this for 7 pages now, so I understand if you guys just wana shoot me. lol

 

Thank you again.

[Teuen101]

you're young simple as that- your feeling like a married old man set in life - it isnt her.. its you being to young- some people can be with one person while their young and everything works out find some cannot and must be single for awhile

[Ronni_W]

I wana be the guy who's like a bad-ass and gets many girls and stupid BS like that! It's so idiotic, yet I want it. It doesn't freakin make sense to me!

If there is a part of you that wants to experience that, then it is NOT idiotic right at the moment. I mean, why not explore it further and THEN decide if it is really what you want (versus some concept/self-image that just seems cool when it's dancing around in your head, but isn't actually representative of who you are or want to be -- does that make sense?)

 

What about it MIGHT BE appealing? At it's best, how will it make you feel about yourself? How will it make others see you? How many girls will you need, before you hit "bad-ass" status? Who do you know like that, and what ELSE about them do you admire?

 

On the other side, what about it makes you say that it is "idiotic"? Why is your desire for it NOT making sense to you?

 

---

Joe, married people do NOT "stay happy" 24/7 for the rest of their lives! Never have and, at the rate we're all going, chances look slim that we ever will.

 

In our grandparents' days, divorce was not seen as a real option so we got the impression that they were all just happy, all the time. It was an illusion. In any case, that model does not hold true or accurate for the current day.

 

Genuinely happy relationships/marriages require constant attention and care. Things must be consistently tweaked, nurtured, cut-back -- it's like working a really beautiful yet complex garden. You gotta plant, fertilize, water, pull out the weeds and stuff that isn't growing so well. You gotta be on top of it all the time...not just at the start, not just when you're dating/courting each other.

 

There are mutual struggles and individual self-doubts. There are financial pressures and in-law problems and, later on, concerns about kids. And usually the couple each have their own insecurities and unresolved emotional issues, which only adds to negative side of things. And yes, there is sometimes that sense of, "Is this all there is? Is this the rest of my life?"

 

So, yes definitely -- you WILL have moments where you won't be very happy, and maybe even will wanna be single...but that is going to happen no matter what you choose. The goal is to create your life so that those moments don't come around too often or last too long.

 

Happy relationships are built on a foundation of understanding, compassion, allowing of differences, patience and forgiveness, and Faith/Trust. And it needs self-awareness, and self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance, and self-respect. To be in happy relationship with others, we must know how to take care of our own physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs, AND ALSO how to encourage and support the other to do the same.

 

May I suggest a book: The Conscious Heart by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks.

You may also find some value in doing the 'emotional needs' questionnaire at marriagebuilders.com -- as well, as some of the articles there -- good for personal growth and development, not just about being in relationship/marriage.

 

PS: No worries -- I'm not polishing up my gun...just yet

[joemax]

I mean, why not explore it further and THEN decide if it is really what you want (versus some concept/self-image that just seems cool when it's dancing around in your head, but isn't actually representative of who you are or want to be -- does that make sense?)

 

Because I don't wana lose her. ANd yeah, it makes sense, and I'm trying to experience that and look into it more.

 

 

 

 

 

What about it MIGHT BE appealing? At it's best, how will it make you feel about yourself? How will it make others see you? How many girls will you need, before you hit "bad-ass" status? Who do you know like that, and what ELSE about them do you admire?

 

The appealing part is I guess the fact that you would be known as someone who can get lots of girls and be independant. Be alone and single. The way others will see me...I don't really know. Not in a very good way I guess, but I don't really care about that. I have a friend like that. What I admire about him? The fact that he's completely happy and not tied down. And that he's in shape. lol

 

 

 

On the other side, what about it makes you say that it is "idiotic"? Why is your desire for it NOT making sense to you?

 

I think it's idiotic because there's this perfectly good girl in front of me, who I see myself with longterm - and I'm jeopardizing all that because of this other person I wana be. And that doesn't make sense to me.

 

 

 

I know I have to tell her, like pushforward said, but why can't I just tell her that I'm gona date for a bit, and in a year or whatever or when I feel like I'm ready for a commited relationship again, I'll let her know? But then again, she might never wana talk to me again if she finds out I wana date other people.

[Ronni_W]

<LOL> I meant first explore it in your head (or on paper)...not just rush to start acting out on it .

 

No, you won't/can't build a reputation for being "independent and single" and able to function on your own just by "proving" that you can pick up girls - who told you that?

 

Did you have any probs picking up that other girl, and getting her to have sex with you? If not, then you ALREADY know that you can pick-up lotsa girls, yes?

And you can get in shape even when you're in a long-term, committed relationship. And you were happy with your ex.

 

So that just leaves the "not tied down" part. You do not want to be tied down right now, is what your self-reflections are telling you. You want to be free to pursue and date other people. It doesn't matter why. You just want to live life as a single person for a while.

 

Yes, the risk is that you will lose your ex forever. Many major, adult decisions come with risks. It's about overcoming fears and getting comfortable with the risks that we choose to take. OR...

 

Or you CAN choose to let your fears about losing what you have stop you from exploring and experiencing all the "single stuff" that is out there. The only thing is that, if you decide to go back with your ex, you would then be postponing when you will explore and experience that vision of "single life" that is so compelling for you now.

 

What's coming through is that your lingering devotion is more to how your ex did, and might, contribute to your life and your happiness. There's a 'neediness' part and a 'self-centred' part. And those are not going to be good for your relationship even if you do get back together...it is standing a chance of being just a short-term reconciliation.

 

I think maybe you're wanting the best of BOTH worlds, and just feeling a bit...what?...frustrated(?) that life doesn't work like that. Life is asking you to make one choice, and also asking you to take 100% responsibility for all the consequences.

 

You can sit on the fence, and complain/whine for the NEXT 7 years, and it's still going to come down to you having to make one choice.

 

Like I've said, I know it's tough to trust one's self and just make that one choice. But you have explored all the angles -- whatever decision you make, it will be a well-informed one. You've done all the self-reflection and brainstorming that you possibly can. Now you just gotta jump...and trust that, whatever you choose, it will be much better than you are imagining!

 

Hugs.

[joemax]

Did you have any probs picking up that other girl, and getting her to have sex with you? If not, then you ALREADY know that you can pick-up lotsa girls, yes?

 

No, I didn't. But that was just one girl.

 

 

 

The only thing is that, if you decide to go back with your ex, you would then be postponing when you will explore and experience that vision of "single life" that is so compelling for you now.

 

See? It's out of my hands! Even if I do go back with her now, it'll be short term happy and I can't do anything about it! I'll still have the same concerns.

 

 

Once again, thank you so much Ronni.

[Ronni_W]

Your desires, beliefs, thoughts, fears, feelings and actions are NOT out of your hands. You are NOT a victim of Life or circumstance.

You are the only one in charge of those things. You are the only one who can choose to fulfill your desires, or to ignore them.

 

But. Try exploring it from the other angle, as well:

What are the positives that you have, right now, that you can contribute to your ex's happiness and contentment? What qualities do you possess, that can support and encourage her to fulfill HER desires and needs?

And then.

Do you still have any desire to wholeheartedly offer any of your best "stuff" to her? Without reservation, unconditionally, and just because you want HER to have the best that Life has to offer.

 

---

 

How MANY girls is your mind telling you that you'll need to have sex with, before you convince yourself that you have no problems being able to have meaningless sex with people you barely know?

 

Is it your belief that just being able to "snag & bag" women whenever the urge strikes you will somehow prove that you are genuinely adult, empowered and free?

 

Do your concerns centre around the fact that you cannot have the "freedom" to bed a bunch of different girls AND ALSO have the stability that comes with being in a committed relationship with just one girl?

 

Right now, today, which do you value more? Your freedom to experiment with different sex partners, or the emotional/mental stability that you used to have in your prior relationship?

[joemax]

What are the positives that you have, right now, that you can contribute to your ex's happiness and contentment? What qualities do you possess, that can support and encourage her to fulfill HER desires and needs?

I make her laugh. I'm good at doing that. I wana share this new restaurant that has amazing food with her. I support her when her parents get rough. I help her out with school as much as I can.

 

 

Do you still have any desire to wholeheartedly offer any of your best "stuff" to her? Without reservation, unconditionally, and just because you want HER to have the best that Life has to offer.

 

Yes, I think so. I miss her so much. I wana be able to share so much with her. I do want her to have the best life possible, she deserves it.

 

 

How MANY girls is your mind telling you that you'll need to have sex with, before you convince yourself that you have no problems being able to have meaningless sex with people you barely know?

 

It's not necessarily about having sex with them. It's about perhaps dating, seeing how other girls think, how another relationship would develop.

 

 

 

Do your concerns centre around the fact that you cannot have the "freedom" to bed a bunch of different girls AND ALSO have the stability that comes with being in a committed relationship with just one girl?

 

More or less, yes. Like I said, I looked at us and said "Now what...?". She had few flaws, if any. SO it wasn't her. It was my perception. Like I mentioned before, I believe that If I had met her a year or 2 later on in life, it would have been a LOT better.

 

 

Right now, today, which do you value more? Your freedom to experiment with different sex partners, or the emotional/mental stability that you used to have in your prior relationship?

 

Ronni, trust me, If I knew, I'd be in such a better place right now. But since I've been single, I have definitely appreciated stable relationships more. Everything about them.

 

 

Thanks again.

[Ronni_W]

Right now, today, which do you value more?

Ronni, trust me, If I knew, I'd be in such a better place right now.

Joe, trust me. There IS a part of you that does know. Maybe your conscious mind doesn't want to admit it, is all? Or maybe your conscious thoughts are all entangled in this idea about developing that "bad ass" reputation that seems to have become the 'holy grail'.

 

If your experience has already taught you about appreciating stable relationships, then likely there is more that you can learn from being single and having to learn about, and take care of, all your own needs, desires and goals.

 

Maybe ask the question this way: Do I want to learn more and experience more of life as a single person?

And maybe another question is: What is stopping me from giving myself permission to know if I want to be single?

 

BTW, missing her is not actually a good reason -- missing her just means that you want to receive what she contributes. Wanting to be with her needs to be MORE about what you want to GIVE her...HER life will be better/happier if your perspective is about giving to her instead of getting from her. When we miss people, it's that we're thinking about ourselves and the stuff we're not getting more than the stuff we're not giving.

 

Hugs.

[Ronni_W]

Hey Joe.

I just read of a different technique that might be useful for you:

Pretend that you can, and DO, have both. Imagine that you are free to pursue all the girls you want and live a totally "single lifestyle", plus your girlfriend is totally understanding and supportive and is just gonna wait for you for as long as it takes, no questions asked.

 

Now what?

 

In above scenario, what are you doing on a day-to-day and month-to-month basis? How are you feeling? What are you thinking? What new goals would you set for yourself?

Are you experiencing any inner conflicts? If so, what is the substance of the conflict(s) -- what is making things feel 'off', for you?

 

Take 30 or 60 minutes and just 'visualize' the whole thing from the angle of there being absolutely no problem or confusion...and hopefully something new will come into your awareness that will be helpful. (Wouldn't that be nice, huh? )

[joemax]

In above scenario, what are you doing on a day-to-day and month-to-month basis? How are you feeling? What are you thinking? What new goals would you set for yourself?

 

I don't understand one part - would I be in relationship with my ex at the same time? If that's the case, well, I don't wana say that that would be ideal, but for lack of a better word, yeah: ideal. I would get the emotional stability and the best friend that is my ex (along with doing all sorts of different things together and always having someone to talk to), and I would also be able to live a single life which includes: meeting new girls, partying, living more care-free. etc

 

New goals? None on the relationship side of things. Just school and work wise. that's all. And I'm thinking that I feel horrible for sleeping around while I have a commited girlfriend that loves me, which is why I would never be able to do such a thing.

 

More than anything though, I think I would just feel guilty. Because even though she is supportive and somehow understanding, I still know it's wrong. It's just me telling me that it's wrong. It's not the way I was raised and never the way I envisioned I would treat the person I loved.

 

 

 

 

Are you experiencing any inner conflicts? If so, what is the substance of the conflict(s) -- what is making things feel 'off', for you?

 

Like I said before, the fact that I'm out f'ing around and such and I have a perfectly loyal girlfriend that would do anything for me back at home. It would just be weird. It's a very interesting way of looking at things though, I'll give you that Ronni. Well thought-of.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know whether I miss my ex so much because she provided me with the warmth and compassion that I want. Do you get it? Like, I don't know if I only feel this way about her or if any other girl would have that same effect on me.

[Ronni_W]

, and I would also be able to live a single life which includes: meeting new girls, partying, living more care-free. etc.

 

Perfect. So do some more (mind) exploration about those new girls and the parties -- What qualities, attitudes and behaviours of the new girls do you find most attractive? What types of parties do you like best? What types of girls and parties do not appeal to you?

What makes care-free living so appealing?

 

(Yep, with all of this you do still have the stability and friendship with your ex. -- That's what's great about visualizing...you CAN envision your ideal world. And, of course, in your ideal world there is no guilt or other "negative" feelings. )

 

Like, I don't know if I only feel this way about her or if any other girl would have that same effect on me.

 

If you're asking if there are other people who have the ability/capacity to be warm and compassionate, then of course the answer is "yes". And yes, receiving warmth and compassion will always have the same effect on you because that is what you value.

 

Okay, here's a tough 2-parter for you: (a) In your old relationship -- exactly as it existed -- what stopped you from feeling "care-free" in it?

And. (b) Can you imagine anything that could have been tweaked a bit or changed a lot, that would have allowed you to feel care-free in it? (What needed to be changed, for it to become a totally care-free situation for you?)

 

PS: Like I mentioned, I didn't develop that technique for exploring future options...I read about it. Glad you liked it, though

[joemax]

What qualities, attitudes and behaviours of the new girls do you find most attractive? What types of parties do you like best?

 

Hm, for me, I highly doubt that I will ever love anyone as much as I love my ex. So their attitudes and behaviors? maybe they're a bit more outgoing. A bit more care-free. A bit more...wild. Parties: ones with lots of people, lots of music, lots of alcohol, lots of trying stuff and finding out stuff.

 

 

 

What types of girls and parties do not appeal to you?

Normally, I don't like girls that sleep around. But since I'm not looking for a relationship, I don't care that much about the girls ( and I hate to be saying that). Parties that don't appeal to me? Probably ones with way too many drugs for my liking.

 

 

 

What makes care-free living so appealing?

 

I guess it's the fact that I can just explore, without having to think of the consequences. People look at me differently maybe. Instead of seeing me as the faithful boyfriend they see me as the nice guy with a bit of a wild side bad-boy image to him.

 

 

 

In your old relationship -- exactly as it existed -- what stopped you from feeling "care-free" in it?

 

 

Hm, tough one indeed. I guess...I don't know. Maybe the fact that I couldn't really go out and talk to girls like I wanted to. I wouldn't even look at a girl twice. I was never able to go to clubs with my friends and just let loose. But the emotional side to it was very rewarding.

 

 

 

Can you imagine anything that could have been tweaked a bit or changed a lot, that would have allowed you to feel care-free in it?

 

Not really. I think it's just the fact that I never really got to 'date' people. I settled for the first one that came, and the first one turned out to be a really good one, one I see myself with LONG term. But just...not right now. Although I do want it right now, I can't have both...unless i'm on loveshack.

 

 

Once again Ronni, thank you.

[Gremio]

joe, I have to say this. This is the first thread on this site that I actually read every page and not just skipped ahead.

 

I'm a male in my mid 20s so I can relate somewhat. I know the feeling of being in a great relationship but something just doesn't feel right. In your situation, I get the feeling there is something that is missing with this woman. Something she isn't doing for you. Because if she really is all that, your mind would never wonder.

 

In my first LTR, my girlfriend and I were perfect in my eyes. We were happy together, emotionally and sexually. And honestly, my eyes never even wandered. I didn't even give beautiful women the time of day because I didn't care, I was happy.

 

In my last LTR, the woman seems like the perfect person. Blonde, blue eyes, 104lbs, size zero... gorgeous, great body (and that ass!), you get the point. She had a bachelors in education, had a great career, liked to cook like I did, and so on. But something was missing. Ultimately, I decided to end the relationship. I tried to rationalize with myself that she is perfect, everything I ever wanted... but she wasn't.

[Ronni_W]

I can't have both...unless i'm on loveshack.

Well...actually you CAN have both whenever you go to your imagination...even outside of LoveShack .

 

Okay, here's what your Inner Voice seems to have told you:

 

Your ex is not quite as outgoing as you need. She is either lacking the level of "wild side" that fits with your psyche, or she has it but she inhibits/suppresses it.

Because of that, though, your own "wild side" does not get enough opportunities to express itself. (Not that it is irresponsible-wild, just kind of a nice, normal-wild.) When you are in relationship with her, you feel that you must suppress/inhibit that part of you.

 

Would it be accurate to say that, for you, "care free" means being able to express ALL your "sides" from time to time?

 

It makes perfect sense that you have different expectations from your committed partner than for girls you are just casually dating -- that is just reasonable, realistic and sane, IMO. (It doesn't sound "bad" to not be too interested in your casual dating partners' sex life. Notwithstanding practicing safe sex, and it just not being who you are to screw around willy-nilly, of course. But just that it is normal to not care what other people are doing, if what they are doing does not negatively impact you.)

 

Right now, today, you ARE a nice guy with a bit of a wild side, are you not? Just cos you haven't had as many opportunities to express your wild side does not mean it is not there...it is still part of who you are, whether or not you keep it suppressed for the rest of your life.

 

FYI - my partner is a faithful boyfriend...AND he has big, crazy-ass wild side to him, too. He can totally act out his 'bad boy' when he chooses to do so.

And you are also all of that. The difference is that, in your prior relationship, you had to inhibit it. At least, you felt that you had to for whatever reason (so) you never gave yourself permission to express it.

 

I'm guessing you may have thought that your ex would have disapproved of it, or rejected you because of it? Maybe your thought was correct, or maybe it was totally inaccurate -- did you give HER the opportunity to tell you how she felt about it, or did you just decide for her how she felt about it?

 

Similarly, is it your ex who 'banned' you from talking with other girls, or did you make that decision for the both of you?

[joemax]

Would it be accurate to say that, for you, "care free" means being able to express ALL your "sides" from time to time?

 

You can say that, yeah. But care free also means going out and just having fun without thinking of what the consequeces could do to another person...not just you. Do you know what I mean?

 

 

 

Right now, today, you ARE a nice guy with a bit of a wild side, are you not? Just cos you haven't had as many opportunities to express your wild side does not mean it is not there...it is still part of who you are, whether or not you keep it suppressed for the rest of your life.

 

 

Yeah, I guess I am. It's just I never had that 'experimenting' phase. I never did any drugs, smoked, went out and got 'f'd up' or anything like that. Not that that's the lifestyle I want. It's just something that I think about sometimes.

 

 

 

 

did you give HER the opportunity to tell you how she felt about it, or did you just decide for her how she felt about it?

 

 

Well, she really disapproves of smoking. She doesn't like going out and getting drunk. Besides, she wouldn't approve of the kind of wild that goes out and just hits on girls.

 

 

 

Similarly, is it your ex who 'banned' you from talking with other girls, or did you make that decision for the both of you?

 

Well, she didn't 'ban' me. But whenever I would talk to a girl, she would start getting jealous and questioning it.

 

 

------

 

 

In my first LTR, my girlfriend and I were perfect in my eyes. We were happy together, emotionally and sexually. And honestly, my eyes never even wandered. I didn't even give beautiful women the time of day because I didn't care, I was happy.

 

 

Do you mind if I ask you what happened?

[Ronni_W]

But care free also means going out and just having fun without thinking of what the consequeces could do to another person...not just you. Do you know what I mean?

Lemme see if I do: You were starting to feel like an old married man, with nothing more to look forward to in life than just MORE obligations, responsibilities, chores and drudgery?

With no chance for self-expression of ALL your personality and no opportunities for further exploration of who you are and what you enjoy?

 

Is that getting closer?

 

It's that you haven't yet allowed yourself to explore (or 'experiment with') your "wilder side." Not that I'm condoning unhealthy habits and lifestyles, but it IS important to your psychological well-being to have the freedom to express your deepest self, and fulfill your deep-down desires.

 

Put it another way, Joe: You became a prisoner in that relationship. NOT that it was your fault or her fault, that is just how it turned out. There is no room for guilt or blame.

 

The FACT that some of the things that you want to experience will be met with disapproval is pointing to it not being so "perfect" for you as you've been telling yourself.

The FACT that she displays jealous tendencies is pointing to it not being so "perfect" for you as you've been telling yourself.

 

The relationship was good because it kept you feeling safe, warm, secure and cared for. But it is that very safety and security that became your prison walls...and YOU are your own prison guard. YOU are the only one with the keys to set yourself free.

 

And if you choose not to use those keys, you can't continue to bitch that you are in prison. We cannot choose a crappy existence PLUS expect to be able to keep complaining about it and just "dreaming/wishing/thinking" about our better set of circumstances.

 

It's not even about knowing or not knowing what you want -- it's about accepting what you're actually choosing...and just being 100% happy with what you chose...because you chose it. Your freedom of choice is where you will need to find your happiness, especially if you choose to stay imprisoned. Make sense?

 

Something else I'm gonna suggest at this point: Set a date by which you will choose one thing or another. Jan. 1 or Feb. 28 -- it doesn't matter. But you gotta promise yourself that you're going to take yourself out of this cycle at some point, and sooner than later will obviously be better for your own peace of mind -- and so that you can start living your life (whichever life you choose) instead of just staying stuck here in this unattractive and confusing place where you're currently residing.

[joemax]

You were starting to feel like an old married man, with nothing more to look forward to in life than just MORE obligations, responsibilities, chores and drudgery?

 

Well, the thing is: I looked forward to more stuff when I was with her than since I've been alone. Since I've been alone, I havent really looked forward to anything, and even the couple of dates I've been on, I wasn't really that interested in the girls, I more or less just wanted to screw around a bit, as bad as that sounds.

 

 

 

With no chance for self-expression of ALL your personality and no opportunities for further exploration of who you are and what you enjoy?

 

Is that getting closer?

A bit closer, but still...I was myself when I was with her. With our friends, I would always make everyone laugh. For example, I was never shy to sing karaoke at the bar, I was never shy to call people out and make fun of them (as a joke). I've never been known as a shy person, so I don't know where this is coming from.

 

 

 

It's that you haven't yet allowed yourself to explore (or 'experiment with') your "wilder side."

 

I guess you can say that, but like, it's not like I've been drying to try drugs or anything. I've had the opportunity, but the most I've done is a couple of puffs of marijuana and cigarettes. The part about partying with girls and whatnot: that's what I haven't experienced. Maybe that's what's missing. I just don't understand it because like I said, there's this seemingly perfectly good girl in front of me that loves me so much.

 

And it's not just how she made me feel. I loved making her happy, seeing her smile, helping her out, fulfilling some things she'd always wanted to experience. I watched the movie Evening with her! I never would have seen that with anyone else. I watched the Sisterhood of the Traveling pants. Both of them too!

 

 

 

not even about knowing or not knowing what you want -- it's about accepting what you're actually choosing...and just being 100% happy with what you chose...because you chose it. Your freedom of choice is where you will need to find your happiness, especially if you choose to stay imprisoned. Make sense?

It does make sense, it's just hard. Because I know that if I choose to get back together with her, I'll be happy more than I am now. But I'll always wonder about being single and about what being with other girls would feel like. It almost seems like a lose-lose situation...almost.

 

I am just so afraid that no matter how old I am, married or not, happy or not, I will always wonder about being single even if the woman I'm with seems perfect for me. I'm afraid that I'll never be happily married.

 

 

 

Thanks again Ronni.

[Gremio]

 

In my first LTR, my girlfriend and I were perfect in my eyes. We were happy together, emotionally and sexually. And honestly, my eyes never even wandered. I didn't even give beautiful women the time of day because I didn't care, I was happy.

 

 

Do you mind if I ask you what happened?

 

It's a lot easier if you quoted! I almost didn't see your question.

 

I would have to say in the long run, it may have been too much, too soon, too young. We worked together, saw each other every day, were together most of the time except lived apart. She was 21 and I was 19 I believe.

 

What I suspect happened was that she changed when she hit 21. She started going out with her friends A LOT more often, drinking, and (in my opinion) rekindled something with a friend in her past. The last month we were together, she started talking to some guy a lot more (which I'm not dumb... in three years she never uttered his name). She left me for him (which she denies), slept with him after five days after she broke up with me (she admitted that), then came crawling back saying she made the biggest mistake of her life. At that point, nothing she did or said would change my mind.

[Ronni_W]

...I was myself when I was with her.

Joe,

If that was 100% accurate, then you would not find yourself in this conundrum. You're right, though, that this has nothing to do with whether you are shy or not.

 

It has to do with having to deprive yourself of experiences that you just will not be able to have, as long as you are in relationship with your ex -- the part of you that you could not express when you were with her (that's how we know your quoted statement is not 100% accurate.)

 

It has nothing to do with how you do feel with her and what you can be & do with her. It has to do with what you do NOT feel with her and what you can NOT be & do with her -- it's what was MISSING, not what was there.

 

 

Try something different, if you will. Use your imagination to skip forward a number of decades. You are 80 or 120 years old. And you are on your deathbed.

 

What do you want your last statement about your 80 (or 120) years to be?

 

a) I chose to stay in the safety and security of my self-made prison. It was good, really, even though I missed out on some experiences that I would have liked to have had.

 

b) I chose to leave my self-made prison. It was scary, really. But I got to experience a lot of things that I really wanted to.

 

c) ??? (What do you want to say about your life, on your deathbed? And. What do you want people to say about you, in your eulogy?)

 

Back in the present...What made you choose the statement that you did? What was appealing/attractive about it? And. What was not attractive/appealing about the statement(s) that you did NOT choose?

 

Take your time with it. Write it out - your "final declaration" and your eulogy. Play with it. See what else your Inner Voice is willing to reveal to you.

 

Love and Light,

Ronni

[karen36]

Hi

You have got to look at the black and white, if its not going to work i think its time for you and her to go in your separate directions, although this may be painful now it will be allot worse a few months or years down the line.

[joemax]

a) I chose to stay in the safety and security of my self-made prison. It was good, really, even though I missed out on some experiences that I would have liked to have had.

 

That one. But perhaps I would add "I made some stupid mistakes when I was young which helped form who I became as a person, and made me appreciate everything I had in front of me so much more...".

 

I know loving a significant other and sharing your life with that person, growing old together and all the things associated with that is much more fulfilling than a year or two of f'n around.

 

 

 

What was not attractive/appealing about the statement(s) that you did NOT choose?

 

If I do leave that prison, I risk losing the girl that I love. At least that's the way I see it...

 

At that point, nothing she did or said would change my mind.

 

Even if you were both in love? You were ready to let that go because of something she did while you two weren't together?

[Ronni_W]

I chose to stay in the safety and security of my self-made prison. It was good, really, even though I missed out on some experiences that I would have liked to have had.

That one.

Then that is what you gotta do, Joe -- there's nothing worth doing that you are going to regret on your deathbed!

 

Acknowledge and accept that, right now, it won't be worth it to you, to pursue your other desire (for "bad boy" living.) Let go of that...it seems that it could just have been your mind throwing temptation in your way, so that you would make a conscious decision about your relationship.

 

But now you've done that. You have made a clear choice about what you want, right now, in your life. Accept your choice with dignity and grace, and say goodbye to the temptation that was throwing you way off balance and out of living your life fully and appreciating what you DO have in it.

 

There's nothing worth doing that you are going to regret on your deathbed! (And don't worry about the learning experiences {not "stupid mistakes"} that you've already had...as you say, they helped to shape who you are, and who you will be.)

 

Live happy...without regrets

[joemax]

I completely understand that.

 

But I also acknowledge the fact that I'm young. What if I'm not in love? What if this isn't it? And then I miss out on my youth and the best time of my life.

 

I know this is only something I can figure out, and I applaud and thank you for putting up with me thus far, seriously. It's just confusing sometimes, but slowly by slowly, even though it's only been 2 months that I've been single, I've learned a bit and grown a bit I feel.

 

Thank you Ronni.

[Ronni_W]

But I also acknowledge the fact that I'm young. What if I'm not in love? What if this isn't it? And then I miss out on my youth and the best time of my life.

Well...yeah.

But it just seems that your psyche is saying that you're not yet ready to take any of the risks that would be necessary for you to take, for you to totally start ENJOYING the single life (and stop looking back at the past all the time.)

At least, that was the message when you chose the "final declaration" statement that you did.

 

NOT that you won't be more able to take those risks in 6 or 12 months. Just that it doesn't seem that you're truly ready this month or next.

 

Yes, you've learned stuff in the 2 months but you've also been so filled with guilt and worry and confusion, that you haven't really enjoyed or appreciated it to the fullest, have you? Kind of wasted experiences, in that sense.

So, even if these 2 months ARE part of "the best time of your life", you've already missed a lot/most of the enjoyment -- there's just too much internal crap for it to really qualify for "best of life," isn't there?

 

 

You're right that you are the one who is going to have to figure it out...you're the only one who can, as you know...but that doesn't mean you can't brainstorm it with other people.

 

On the other hand (warning!!! fresh confusion ahead )...

 

Is it that maybe you want to learn how to NOT be afraid to take calculated risks? Is there a tiny part of you that's starting to maybe suspect that the relationship was not as "perfect" as you've been wanting it to be? (I'm guessing there's got to be a teeny bit of that starting, cos you wondered that maybe you are NOT in love.)

 

Is it that you want to learn the tools to actually break down those prison walls???