Thought I knew what I want

[Ronni_W]

Like I said before, I totally do not feel that I am "putting up" with you. I know how horrible it is to feel so confused, and that it can be helpful to have an unbiased yet caring person on the 'other side' of our mental machinations. That's all I'm doing...being on the 'other side', for you.

 

, then just let go of all this stuff, and ask her if she is willing to reconcile.

Oy, I was feeling okay until you said that. Lol. Wouldn't going back with her just make things worse?

 

LOL! Yeah, I thought that might mess you up . But it is true, that you have the power to choose going back...just as much as you have the power to choose something else.

Not that I wanted to mess-up your mind even further (of course), but it is also something that you may need to reflect on, from time to time.

 

Would going back just make things worse? -- I dunno. What is your Higher Mind telling you, about that?

 

what kind and compassionate words & insights would your Higher Mind give you, to tell him?

"you're not happy with where you are, the girl doesn't really deserve to be treated the way you treated her during the past 2 months you guys were together. She loves you, and I know you love her. But stuff like this can't be rushed just casue you're scared. Be scared. Are you doing the right thing? I don't know. But I know that this is part of life. We grow up, we make mistakes, we learn, and that makes everything so much sweeter"

 

Of all of that, what is the ONE thing that stands out for you most? As being the most important message about your own growth and development, about your own ability to be happy and successful in the future?

 

...looking at it from a 'higher plane'. But I'm not sure if you're into that, or up for it.

I am.

 

Okay. So listen for what you Higher Mind says after your Conscious Mind considers this theory:

The life that you will experience, from this moment until your death moment, is NOT "second best". It is actually the life you were born to live. It is any OTHER life, even the one that you had in conscious mind for yourself, that would have been "second best"...in that version, you would have been settling for something far BELOW you true life purpose.

 

Hugs,

Ronni

[wonderboy00]

Yeah, it hurts when you think about reconciling. But I'm getting a similar feeling to you, Joemax, like I have **** that I have to be strong enough to deal with on my own if I ever want to be with her or anyone else. Trust me, I want nothing more than to fill this big aching hole inside me and run over there and say "Let's get back together"... and if I could convince her ... then it seems like that would be so wonderful!

 

But a part of me keeps saying "Be Strong". It flips every once in a while and says "Go Back To Her." I don't know - it's confusion, right? And the confusion is in me, not in her, so I don't think she deserves in be in a relationship with someone unsure about themselves. Not that I'm trying to denigrate myself, just that I'm trying to acknowledge I have issues to deal with before I can really move forward, without her or maybe sometime in the future with her.

 

"Thought I knew what I wanted" is the perfect name for this thread... it's how I feel too bud... I'm just trying to hold on to myself, keep eating, keep the chin up and try to meditate. good luck man. i hope we can make the right decisions.

[joemax]

Would going back just make things worse? -- I dunno. What is your Higher Mind telling you, about that?

 

Well obviously I would be happier...I think it would be short term though. I'd be happy 'cause I'd be with her, I'd be able to sleep in her arms, she could comfort me and she does it well. But like wonderboy said, she doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with someone who's as confused as I am.

 

Of all of that, what is the ONE thing that stands out for you most? As being the most important message about your own growth and development, about your own ability to be happy and successful in the future?

We grow up, we make mistakes, we learn, and that makes everything so much sweeter.

 

 

The life that you will experience, from this moment until your death moment, is NOT "second best". It is actually the life you were born to live. It is any OTHER life, even the one that you had in conscious mind for yourself, that would have been "second best"...in that version, you would have been settling for something far BELOW you true life purpose.

 

Seriously, reading that just made me feel so much better. It makes a lot of sense. And starting now, this is the life for me. This is MY life, and noone else's.

 

 

 

 

it's confusion, right?

 

Oh yeah, that's an understatement. It's confusion beyond words. I feel like I don't know myself. Best of luck to you too wonderboy.

[Ronni_W]

Would going back just make things worse? -- I dunno. What is your Higher Mind telling you, about that?

Well obviously I would be happier...I think it would be short term though. I'd be happy 'cause I'd be with her, I'd be able to sleep in her arms, she could comfort me...

 

Okies. Say a big 'thank you' to your Conscious Mind, for giving you that answer. . Then ask your Higher Mind for its input -- you do already know the difference so maybe it's that the question wasn't too well-phrased.

Try something like, "If I go back with my ex, will my happiness be long-term?" and see what you get back.

 

I just posted in another thread: It is NOT your g/f's job or responsibility to comfort you. She is not your parent or caregiver. As an adult, it is your self-obligation to learn how to comfort yourself, and how to make yourself feel safe and cared for. (We have to bring all the basics into the relationship; our partners can ADD but they aren't responsible for the whole 100%.)

 

 

This is MY life, and noone else's.

 

Yes, exactly. It IS the life you were born to live, Joe.

(If I may suggest, copy what I wrote and use it as is, or rewrite it so that it is even more closely aligned with your new vision and decision about how you are going to view things from now on. Read it a couple of times a day. Memorize it. Make it your one and only truth, about this part of things.)

 

Love'n hugs...and have a great weekend!

 

PS: Post back on Monday and let me know about all the light-heartedness and smiles that you are now gonna start putting into the world, alright? -- the world needs you to fully embrace, live and enjoy your life...THIS life that you were born to live!!!

[Ronni_W]

I don't think she deserves in be in a relationship with someone unsure about themselves.

You know what, Wonderboy and Joe? It is NOT about what 'she' deserves at all.

 

It is about what YOU deserve. You deserve to know how to use your 'personal power' to create your own happy and successful experiences. You deserve to have the high self-confidence, -respect and -esteem that will allow you to be the best freakin' partner on the planet...the envy of every other partner.

 

THAT is what this struggle is about, for you...resolving your traumatic memories and disappointments on your own (as independent young men), so that you can become totally functional, self-reliant adults, partners, fathers, mentors, role-models, workers, supervisors and business/political leaders...if that is part of the Blueprint that you and the Universe designed.

 

For the time being, focus only on your Self. This is your time, for you to build up your own 'inner arsenal' of all things good, healthy and positive. 'She' can't help you with this, and 'she' won't be able to save you in the future, when you find your inner resources are under-developed and/or lacking.

 

Yes, it is a challenging part of your journey but you both totally do have the intellect, strength and courage to make the trip. I absolutely trust and know that you do. I have faith in you...now it's your turn to have some faith in yourself (and the Universe.) Yes?

[joemax]

Try something like, "If I go back with my ex, will my happiness be long-term?" and see what you get back.

 

I'm a lot less sure about this one. I know I'll be happy. But it's probably gona be short term. Because I'm not happy with where I am. It's gona be like "Yeah, this girl is beautiful and amazing. But I'm only 20...what now? we won't get married anytime soon, so what happens now? Do I really want to be with one girl only so young?"

 

If I may suggest, copy what I wrote and use it as is, or rewrite it so that it is even more closely aligned with your new vision and decision about how you are going to view things from now on. Read it a couple of times a day. Memorize it. Make it your one and only truth, about this part of things.)

Printed it. On my wall

[Ronni_W]

"If I go back with my ex, will my happiness be long-term?" and see what you get back.

I'm a lot less sure about this one. I know I'll be happy. But it's probably gona be short term. Because I'm not happy with where I am.

 

So then. You are being asked to choose between your long-term and your short-term happiness. *IF* you decide that you want to take the steps necessary to promote your long-term happiness and success then, WITHIN THAT DECISION, you are also promising yourself that you will stop thinking/worrying about your past relationship.

 

Cos it doesn't make sense to consciously make a decision that you also plan to keep feeling worried and anxious about.

 

So your question becomes: "Do I want long-term happiness, or short-term happiness?"

 

According to your own Inner Voice, feelings and intellectual reflections, your long-term happiness does NOT, at this time, include your ex. That fact needs to be accepted by your rational mind *if* you want some inner peace about your choice to work towards your long-term happiness.

OR

Or...if you choose short-term happiness, you go back and see if your ex wants to reconcile. (And then you stop feeling anxious about your future [long-term] happiness and success.)

 

You cannot have it both ways -- choosing one and also always worrying about the one not chosen. Because that will drive you insane with confusion and self-doubt.

Choose one. And then just decide to be 100% confident and have 100% faith in your choice. Trust it.

 

No matter which one you choose, every single time you find yourself asking, "Am I doing the right thing?" then you must also answer in a strong, confident manner, "Yes, definitely!!!"

 

Hugs.

[joemax]

So your question becomes: "Do I want long-term happiness, or short-term happiness?"

 

Long term. No doubt about it.

 

 

 

No matter which one you choose, every single time you find yourself asking, "Am I doing the right thing?" then you must also answer in a strong, confident manner, "Yes, definitely!!!"

 

This is it. This is me. This is my life.

[Ronni_W]

This is it. This is me. This is my life.

YOU GOT IT!!! Now go and get it!!!

 

Joe, in a very short while you are going to be feeling so super-great on every level that you'll hardly remember any of this super-challenging 'transition' period.

 

Wishing you the very best of everything, for your Highest Good.

In Light and Love,

Ronni

[Ronni_W]

So your question becomes: "Do I want long-term happiness, or short-term happiness?"

Long term. No doubt about it.

Joe,

Remember that, okay? -- THAT is what you want -- long-term happiness.

 

From now on, every decision, choice and action that you make has to meet the test...it needs to contribute to your long-term happiness.

 

Now, you know what you want.

[joemax]

I have no idea how to thank you Ronni. I will definitely keep you updated. Thank you!

[Ronni_W]

Joe,

I'd love it if you did keep me updated -- that will be MORE than thanks enough.

It really has been my pleasure and a joy conversing with you and facilitating your own truths and insights (insofar as I may have done that)...thank YOU for gifting me with the opportunity.

Isn't it just a total 'lovefest' we got going on here??? -- like you've said, the world is FULL of good stuff...and we are doing our part

Always,

Ronni

[joemax]

This stuff is harder than I thought it'd be.

 

I've been trying to be happier, to come to terms with the fact that it is my life.

 

I don't know what's bothering me - the debts I have, the fact that I wana be more in shape, lack of money, the fact that I dont feel that I can really open up to my friends...

 

I just know that I don't have motivation to do much. I get up, go to work, go back home, sometimes go to the gym, and then I'm just like...now what? There's nothing exciting.

 

I saw my ex this week, and I was happy at that point. It was like I had a partner in life, if that makes any sense.

 

I went on a date with another girl last week and we had sex. It just felt so weird, really weird. And I don't know why I felt guilty. My ex asked me if I had gone on any dates and I told her yes, but I didn't tell her that we slept together. I felt so guilty and I still do. I don't know why.

 

I see myself with my ex long-term, like I said. But she has repeatedly said that if she finds out that I was intimate with another girl she wouldn't take me back. And I kinda understand her point.

 

It's just hard for me becasue I don't know what I want. Same ol' story, I know. I'm happy with her, that's not the point. But then I see other girls and I wonder what it would feel like to kiss them or take them out and whatnot. Crap like that.

 

Anyways, I know I've already talked about this but it just sucks.

[Ronni_W]

Actually, I don't really get how your ex can be asking you to not have sex with other people while you guys are not together -- that seems unreasonable to me. It also doesn't help you get ALL the experiences that you want before making any final decisions as related to your ex.

 

But. It is her position on this that is making you feel guilty. I agree with you not to tell her. We do NOT owe our exes fidelity. But, if you do want to continue having sex with others, then you would be wise to let your ex know that you do not plan to stay celibate.

 

You cannot play her both ways, Joe. That would just suck and be uncool.

But then I see other girls and I wonder what it would feel like to kiss them or take them out and whatnot.

Well...now you have an experience of being with another girl. Time now to explore it and get whatever information you can from it, to learn more about what you do and do not want.

 

Was it a "good weird" feeling or a "weird weird" feeling? Was it "weird" just cos it was the first girl since your ex? Is it something that you want to experience with a different girl, to see your reaction to the next one?

 

Does it feel more like you would rather not experience it with anyone else, other than your ex?

[joemax]

I did let her know that I'm not planning to stay celibate. I said something like "I'll always love you, no matter what happens. UNderstand that. And if a year from now I'm in a better place than I am now and I ask you if you wana give it another shot, and you don't agree because of something I did while we weren't together, then I'm sorry for that, but it really doesn't make sense to me. Now, If I had slept with 4 diff. girls on the same night and acted completely slutty, then that would be a different story."

 

She said that it would be hard for her to take me back because she knows she won't think of any other guys and if I see someone else that means I will have 'forgotten' about her.

 

 

And it was a weird weird. Maybe 'cause I didn't really like that girl. I think I do wana experience it with another girl. Just to see if it's weird again. Cause if I feel super weird and guilty with one more girl, then my ex is the one for me...no?

 

 

Does it feel more like you would rather not experience it with anyone else, other than your ex?

 

I don't know yet. It was the one girl, so I can't realy tell. Maybe if I experience the same thing with another girl I'll know.

 

 

Thanks for your reply Ronni.

[Ronni_W]

That was perfect what you told her! So there really is no reason for you to feel guilty, right? ("Weird" maybe, but not guilty .)

Cause if I feel super weird and guilty with one more girl, then my ex is the one for me...no?

Maybe. Or...

Or maybe it would just mean that you're not being careful enough in selecting your sex partners?

Do you know, or what would be your first guess as to, why you chose a girl you didn't really like, with whom to have this new experience???

(Could there have been a bit of self-sabotaging going on? -- like maybe you didn't want to enjoy it TOO much? And, if so, what's THAT about???)

[joemax]

I guess i slept with that girl to prove to my friends perhaps, and to myself, that I can get more than one girl. As idiotic as that sounds...

 

I just looked at our relationship (my ex and I) and I just went "wow....it's been a year and a half...this is it...now what? Do I really wana experience only one girl for the rest of my life!?" I guess I got a bit scared.

 

I don't think it was self-sabotage.

[Ronni_W]

It's normal that you started to question things at that point. Especially since you were already feeling kinda down and "conned" out of the life that you used to think you were born to live. Plus. You're at the age where it just makes sense to start laying the foundation for your future...or at least, as far as we can see into our 'future' at any given time.

And it's appropriate to follow-up when you get those "is this it?" fears -- those are trying to tell you something, like I've said before.

 

The thing about having sex with women you don't really like just to prove something...yeah, that sure was a bit a LOT misguided on your part.

Are you planning to continue to do stuff like that -- stuff where your heart isn't necessarily too into it, and you're just doing it to "prove" something?

 

Most important, though, is to start learning from your new experiences -- learning, not feeling guilty about!

What, if anything, did you learn from this experience?

[joemax]

Are you planning to continue to do stuff like that -- stuff where your heart isn't necessarily too into it, and you're just doing it to "prove" something?

 

No, I don't think so. I do feel like dating a bit though, just to see what I'll feel like. I think that would be good to give me a perspective on things.

 

 

What, if anything, did you learn from this experience?

 

I learned that I'm not the kind of guy that would enjoy sleeping with a girl he only knew for a couple of hours. Maybe it's just not me.

[Ronni_W]

Perfect!

So get out there and do some more dating...and be more selective about your future sex partners. And if your friends start ragging on you about what you "should" be doing, and what is "normal" to be doing -- just tell them, thanks, but you know you better than they know you.

 

(See how nice it feels, when you start learning who you are from this new, more aware and "grown-up" perspective? -- Just keep asking your self-questions, and you will keep getting your excellent self-answers and advice!)

 

Sending hugs and good stuff,

Ronni

[joemax]

I just feel so guilty, because she asks me if I'm dating and I'm forced to lie to her...for now. I know I'll eventually tell her, but I just feel so guilty for lying to her and for the fact that she's not dating anyone while I am.

 

I just really think that If I have some time for myself, date a bit, I'll appreciate what we had so much mre. I really dont think Im the kind of guy that can stay single for a long time - in the sense that she made me so happy, and when we talk on MSN even now I get really happy .

 

When I told her this, she said "How can you say you're gona be in a relationship with someone else when you said you need time for YOU!?"

 

I told her being in a relationship with another girl will NOT be the same way as being in one with her- I don't think I'll love anyone the same way I loved her , if that makes sense.

[Ronni_W]

I just feel so guilty, because she asks me if I'm dating and I'm forced to lie to her...for now.

That's BS, Joe -- you are not being "forced" to lie to her, you are making a choice to lie to her because you don't want to deal with the possible consequences of telling her the truth.

Which is fine, but don't lie to yourself about your intentions and motives -- it's our self-lies that feed our guilt.

 

(Yeah, yeah...we tell ourselves that we have to lie because we just want to protect the other person's feelings. But that is BS. If you challenge yourself to explore this just a bit deeper, you may find out some more interesting stuff about who you are and what drives your behaviour.)

 

 

It's hard to say right now, but possibly your underlying "stuff" about relationships is more from neediness -- not yet being able to be totally happy and "complete" with your Self.

 

Obviously there is a big difference between casually dating a number of women and getting into something more serious with one of them -- you'll need to ask your own questions as to what is best for you at this point in your life.

 

Is it possible that you're forgetting to check-in with your own 'Inner Voice', which is leading you to start to feel more confused again?

[joemax]

Yeah, I didn't mean 'forced' in the sense of the word. But I dont wana lose her. She has said that if she found out I dated other people she wouldn't take me back ever. I don't want that. I don't know what I'd do.

 

 

bviously there is a big difference between casually dating a number of women and getting into something more serious with one of them -- you'll need to ask your own questions as to what is best for you at this point in your life.

That's what I've been trying to find out, but I think my inner self is trying to confuse me even more. He tells me that I LOVE being with her, that she makes me happy, but he also tells me that I need to be dating just to see what's out there. I know it sounds stupid, but that's what I'm getting. I'm getting that for some reason, I'm only not happy being single because of 1) I wana be with her and 2) I'm not able to enjoy being single because I'm thinking about her and I know that if I date someone else, I'll lose her forever.

 

 

THanks for your reply Ronni.

[pushforward]

Yeah, I didn't mean 'forced' in the sense of the word. But I dont wana lose her. She has said that if she found out I dated other people she wouldn't take me back ever. I don't want that. I don't know what I'd do.

 

 

bviously there is a big difference between casually dating a number of women and getting into something more serious with one of them -- you'll need to ask your own questions as to what is best for you at this point in your life.

That's what I've been trying to find out, but I think my inner self is trying to confuse me even more. He tells me that I LOVE being with her, that she makes me happy, but he also tells me that I need to be dating just to see what's out there. I know it sounds stupid, but that's what I'm getting. I'm getting that for some reason, I'm only not happy being single because of 1) I wana be with her and 2) I'm not able to enjoy being single because I'm thinking about her and I know that if I date someone else, I'll lose her forever.

 

 

THanks for your reply Ronni.

 

Hi Joe,

 

Unfortunately, you sound like my ex. I'm going to tell you what I'm going through and still am.

 

Just to give you perspective and hopefully you come up with what's right for her and you.

 

My ex went from a break to a break up. From needing time alone to dating other guys. I found out through myspace because I was cyber stalking. She dumped me out of the blue. Saying that she needs time to be alone and to grow. She said down the line she knows she will want a second chance. She said she is afraid to lose me completely.

 

However, she really hurt me because she wasn't honest. A relationship needs trust. She wasn't honest because she didn't tell me she had feelings for another guy. She wasn't honest about her reason for breaking up. She wasn't honest when I asked her if she was dating anybody. You really need to take a step back and figure out what you want. Do what's best for her and you.

 

If you really love her, encourage her to move on and let her know that you are not ready for a committed relationship. Tell her that you are sorry that you hurt her. From there, go strict NC. Anytime you speak to her, it's going to give her false hope. You have to really stick to your guns and not speak to her ever again. You have to live with your choice, even if that means losing her forever.

 

My ex strung me along. My ex wasn't completely honest and she has burned any bridges for reconciliation. I would have been more understanding if she could have told me about all of this.

 

Of course my perspective is skewed now that I found out she cheated on me. But, you need to let her go and live your life how you want to. Sounds like I'm giving advice to my ex.

 

Well besides that, I got hurt really bad from getting strung along and the dishonesty. I blocked her completely, changed my # and she doesn't have my new address. I will never have to hear from her again because of what she did.

 

Your story is different, but if you don't want her to hate you. I say you be very honest about your situation and move on. Encourage her to move on because you are going to. DO NOT hesitate, any hesitation from you or confusion will give her false hope. If you want any chance at reconciliation, you both will have to move on from this event. This will have to be under the bridge and because this relationship is broken, you two will have to be two different people when you meet. You need time to grow and so does she. Maybe in the future, you will be a better fit.

 

For now, figure out what you want and stick to it. Do not be wishy washy because you might lose her forever.

[Ronni_W]

Joe,

If you go back a few posts, the question is: Will going back with your ex now be for your long-term happiness?

 

If your answer comes back 'yes', then you would be wise to have a conversation with her about a possible reconciliation.

 

And if that answer comes back 'no', then this is what you are being called upon to do:

, encourage her to move on and let her know that you are not ready for a committed relationship. Tell her that you are sorry that you hurt her. From there, go strict NC. Anytime you speak to her, it's going to give her false hope. You have to really stick to your guns and not speak to her ever again. You have to live with your choice,

Anything less would be an extremely self-centred action on your part. At the moment, you want the best of all worlds and are asking your ex to carry the burden and pay the price. As pushforward says, it is about making a decision and living with whatever are the consequences. That is, YOU must pay whatever is the price.

 

I know it is difficult, but there is also the part now where you are making it much more difficult on yourself than it actually needs to be.

Ask yourself your question, listen for your answer, and follow your instinct. Then focus all your energies on the choice made...and stop any obsessive thought patterns about the path NOT taken taken.

 

Hugs,

Ronni