Thought I knew what I want

[joemax]

Well, I don't know.

 

I'll tell you what I do know.

 

I know that when I was with her, I felt like nothing else really mattered. When I saw her smile, everything was good for that one second. She is pretty much the only girl that was able to make me laugh. I wanted to make all her pain go away, from her past and her present. I loved being there for her when she needed someone to be there for her. I loved the way she made me feel and the fact that we understood each other so well.

 

Yes, I don't know if that is love. I don't know how 'love' is defined. I honestly don't. I just know that I think about her non-stop almost. What I don't know is If I could feel like that about any other personality that would have given me the same kind of attention she did. Am I really that...easy? I don't know.

 

I also know that when I think of the summer-time. Sharing my time with her, trying out new restaurants with her and watching movies with her, hanging out with our friends, playing outdoors, going swimming, driving around. That was the best.

 

Thanks so much once more Ronni.

[Ronni_W]

I know that when I was with her, I felt like nothing else really mattered.

Sorry, but that doesn't at all match up with your entire thread.

 

According to you, what else mattered was the single lifestyle and 'wild side' living and 'bad-ass' reputation that you were missing.

It is perfectly fine for those things (desires) to matter, as well -- do not BS yourself at this late stage, that nothing else mattered. That's not what you've been telling us.

 

You're welcome, Joe - I totally do get the sense of your being overwhelmed by conflicting feelings and desires. It's fine. We'll figure it out, eventually. (What date did you set, by the way, to make a decision one way or the other.)

 

Sending Angels of Clarity and Courage,

Ronni

[joemax]

Sorry, but that doesn't at all match up with your entire thread.

I know. But like, nothing else matter problem-wise. All my monetary, family, friends, school, work, problems. They all evaporated when I was with her. That's what I meant.

 

Yeha, the single lifestyle intrigued me. It still does cause I havent experience it fully. But as soon as I took a minute to think about it, I realised that my girl has the exact same body parts as the next girl.

 

It's just a really f'd up situation and it's making me with I was 10 years old again.

 

Date I set is...this summer. I know it's a bit far but I really want time to think everything through.

 

Do you think it's stupid If I still see my ex from time to time just to get a different perspective on things?

 

Thank you Ronni.

[Ronni_W]

Do you think it's stupid If I still see my ex from time to time just to get a different perspective on things?

No, I don't think it is "stupid" -- do you think it will be productive?

 

What exact date in the Summer? And, are you sure you want to stay locked in this cycle of confusion for that long? (Which is fine if you're okay with that. I'm just asking if you've taken into account the quality of life, internal and external, that you're choosing for yourself, for the future...which comprises Now until Summer?)

[joemax]

Yeah, I do think it'll be productive. I'll more or less get two experience both worlds, without all the attachment that a relationship entails. And I'll get to see her.

 

Do you mind if I ask you how long you've been with your current boyfriend Ronni?

 

Thank you.

[Ronni_W]

Tip for future decision-making: Ask if it will be productive for you, or if it will support whatever is your goal. If the answer is "yes", then do it without second...third and tenth-guessing yourself .

 

(Asking if it will be "stupid" or even "smart" doesn't get your same good decision-making 'juices' flowing.)

 

Do you mind if I ask you how long you've been with your current boyfriend Ronni?

I don't mind any question at all, Joe. I'll let you know if I'm uncomfortable answering, but for sure do feel free to ask whatever you want to know.

 

We've been together right around 10 years. (When we started dating, I thought he was just gonna be my 'rebound' after I got separated but...well, he was too good to let get away, or I was, or whatever happened there .)

 

Is he my life-long partner? I'll let you know if he's the one sitting there and I'm on my deathbed. That's the ONLY time that I'm gonna be 100% sure. It's cynical, perhaps. It's definitely not romantic. But I ain't lied to you yet, Kid, and I ain't gonna start now.

 

Do I love him? So much more than I used to think I was capable of loving a romantic partner

[joemax]

You love him, but have you ever found yourself thinking: "Man, is this it?" or have you ever eyed other men and were curious about what it'd feel like to be with them? Has he ever gotten you so annoyed that you just wanted to break up with him, but didn't want to at the same time?

[Ronni_W]

Joe, what I've realized is that it is up to ME to make sure that I am always feeling excited and enthusiastic about life. That is NOT my (or your) partner's job! So...

When I feel, "Man, is this it?" I've got to tell MYSELF, "Woman, stop being a girl. Cos this is gonna be it unless you don't get your own mind working creatively, get up off your fat ass, and go and do something exciting. " And that is what YOU have to tell yourself, too, if/when you feel like that.

 

Get it? -- when we feel that our life is boring and our experiences are dull, it is OUR OWN doing...it is OUR consequence of not doing enough to keep ourselves excited in the present, and we're also not doing enough to ensure that we have anticipation of fun & exciting things that WE have in the works.

 

No, I don't really look at other guys and wonder what it will be like to have sex with them. But. I have had a few sex partners, so maybe it makes a difference that I have something against which to compare my current sex life. (Not a whole helluva lot of men, mind you; and really good and really bad.) Just that I am more than satisfied with my current. Is there a possibility that there could be "better"? Yes, of course...life is about possibilities. But the possibility doesn't bother me because I am more than satisfied right now.

 

If you just meant do I wonder what it would be like to be in relationship with other guys, no, not either. For all same reasons as above -- I am perfectly satisfied, happy and content with all aspects of my relationship exactly as it is.

But.

If I felt dissatisfied, unhappy and discontent with any aspect, then I would have to do something to change it...that would be my self-obligation.

 

And also no, I don't want to break up when I get "annoyed". There would need to be a consistent feeling of discontent about an aspect, that I have clearly, openly and honestly discussed, and that we have not been able to resolve.

 

In general, though, when I do feel that it's time to break up, I break up. It takes me a long time to get to that point. Pro'ly too long cos of my 'attachment issues'. But when I do get to that point, I am gone. Cos after that point, I don't have time to waste with people, wondering whether or not I want to be with them. I get out first, and then do my thinking after.

 

Only one time I broke up and also stayed in half-assed contact with the guy, for about 6 or 8 months. That was in 2001, and we are still doing fine, today <Touch wood!>

[joemax]

I've come to the conclusion that you're just smarter than me.

 

I understand what you said, especially about it being our own doing if we feel bored. It's just that it almost seemed like a routine, the relationship that is.

 

That's the thing though, I don't know if it is right to stay broken up. My heart ( I think) is telling me that it's more worthwhile to be in a relationship, especially with my ex.

 

But there's also the part of me that's telling me that it would be more fun to be single for a while, especially at this stage of my life.

 

I know I'm gona have to my inner self and find out the answers on my own, it;s just a lotta work and I'm trying to take it a bit at a time.

 

 

Only one time I broke up and also stayed in half-assed contact with the guy, for about 6 or 8 months. That was in 2001, and we are still doing fine, today <Touch wood!>

 

You mean that guy is the same guy you're with right now? What do you love most about him? Do you guys see each other a lot? Do you do lots of stuff together?

 

Thanks Ronni.

[Ronni_W]

Actually, I'm just OLDER than you...you are way smarter than me, when I was, er, much younger. I'm serious about that...I was totally unaware and unconscious until I hit, oh, around 38, 40. And now I'm almost 50 and just starting to learn from my own experiences. I'm 50, and there's plenty that I'm basically at the same place your are, Joe. You're way smarter than I am!

 

During our 10 years, we have also gotten stuck in a rut at different points...all bored and acting like old people. But we take individual responsibility for that: He might start playing a bit more golf, and getting together with his guy friends more often. I might start taking a few more workshops and renewing my season subscription to the ballet...which he does NOT attend every performance with me (maybe one out of every 4 or 8 of them.)

 

Where I'm seeing the difference is that you did not have, or at least you FELT that you did not have, the freedom to pursue your own "exciting stuff". In which case, your instinct that the relationship wasn't the best thing for you to participate in AT THIS TIME of your life, was 100% correct.

 

If I tried to limit his golf playing (for example), and/or he placed his own conditions on my workshop attendance...we wouldn't have made it this far. I guarantee you.

 

It just so happens that what excites you right now is easier to do when one is single. There's nothing wrong with that, and everything right with it. It is just what you want, right now...and that is perfectly fine!

 

It's the same as if I decided to switch from ballet to auto racing, which is a guy-dominated activity. If I got involved with that, maybe my b/f would express some concerns. But then it would be UP TO ME to allay his fears, or to decide/say, "Sorry, but I need to do auto racing at this point in my life. And if it's not something that this relationship can support, then I'll need to reconsider my options."

 

Point is, *I* get to choose my life experiences for myself. I will not have a happy life if I only choose what will make my b/f (or anyone else) happy.

Only one time I broke up and also stayed in half-assed contact with the guy, for about 6 or 8 months. That was in 2001, and we are still doing fine, today <Touch wood!>

You mean that guy is the same guy you're with right now? What do you love most about him? Do you guys see each other a lot? Do you do lots of stuff together?

See? You are way smart...Yep, indeedy, the one and same guy.

What I love most about him is that he allows me to be who I am, and he supports and encourages me to have all the life experiences that *I* want. Example, I really want to live in India, for 3 or 6 months. He has no interest in doing that...but he is cool with me going, and him just visiting me for a week or so. Plus. He doesn't seem to be the slightest bit freaked out that I am an alien...but I haven't decided from which planet yet .

 

EDIT: We just started living together about 8 months ago -- it's like we're on our honeymoon! We do lots of things together, yes, and also separately. We have fun...we act goofy much more often than all "serious and mature" (which is hardly any fun at all.) And he has boys, 23 and 25, so they help to keep us young, too.

[joemax]

The thing is, she has never ever forbidded me from doing anything I want. Everytime I've wanted to go see my friends, I've been able to. Every time I've wanted to play soccer, I've been able to. It was me that felt I couldn't go out and act all...wild. And rightly so, I believe. I can't be in a relationship and flirt with other girls and whatnot.

 

I also feel that she allowed me to be myself, not judgmental at all. I could really be who I want around her, and all my (according to other people) digusting, politically incorrect, highly offensive humor was fine by her, it made her laugh!

 

It just seems like I wanted the best of both worlds, and I can't do that. I realise I have a choice to make, and I do think I'm getting a bit closer to realising what is better for me at this stage of my life. It's just...like I said before, I feel that I haven't had enough life experiences. It feels wrong to say, but it feels like I haven't been with enough girls. I feel so weird saying that, but that's the way I feel.

 

I can't expect her to wait for me while I figure everything out, but she has asked about me repeatedly. Asked if I needed naything, asked if there was anything she could do to make me my 'old happy, most positive person in the world self'.

 

Thing is, like I said before, I do think I can spend the rest of my life with her. But I'm also trying to figure out what LOVE is exactly. I don't know the definition, but I think I love her.

[Ronni_W]

There is a school of thought that says "love" isn't just one feeling...it's more like an umbrella term for when a whole bunch of feelings and qualities are present, and being exchanged: respect, admiration, acceptance, encouragement, inspiration, forgiveness, empathy, joy, wonder, fun, attractive, sexy, supported, etc. Positive "stuff" that makes each person feel really excellent.

 

For me, that kind of broader 'definition' makes much more sense. It also helps for when I get "annoyed" with him. Example, even when I'm not feeling too encouraged and supported, I've still got all that other stuff going on, so it makes the annoyance, well, less annoying and not such a HUGE deal...I can take it in stride and realize that my annoyed feelings are just temporary, anyway.

(It would only become an issue that we need to resolve if, for some reason, I felt long-term unsupported and discouraged by him. Make sense?)

 

I get that your feelings and questions are around experiences with girls, mostly. Or rather, your lack of experiences with a variety of girls.

Is it that you're wondering if you can feel sexier and/or more attractive? Is it that you're wondering if there is any more to sex than what you've thus far been able to generate in bed?

 

...and all my digusting, politically incorrect, highly offensive humor...

 

That's kind of what I meant when I said he's okay that I'm an alien -- NOT that we are "disgusting" and "offensive", just that they accept our quirks and weird stuff.

 

, but she has asked about me repeatedly. ...asked if there was anything she could do to make me my 'old happy, most positive person in the world self'.

 

Joe, you were NOT the "most positive person in the world" when you started posting. (And you're still not.) That was just her INACCURATE assessment/perspective of the 'old' you.

 

In current day, that is her still NOT accepting that the 'old' you felt some dissatisfaction (unhappiness) about one or a couple of aspects of his life! She hasn't heard you at all.

 

Not that you need her (or anyone else) to validate the unhappiness (doubts) that you felt in the 'old days', of course. But. You had misgivings and doubts about yourself, and your relationship, and the direction of your life in general. And you were carrying a grudge and huge resentment towards that guy on the soccer pitch.

 

And you STILL have those same doubts. (Not sure if you're still carrying that grudge.) Doubts and fears cannot co-exist with "totally happy, most positive" -- they can't and they don't. You were not that. That is her wrong perception of her ex-boyfriend.

 

What would happen if you gave yourself permission to STOP loving her?

And what would happen if you gave yourself permission to STOP wanting to experience other girls, in every meaning of that?

The best and the worst that could happen, in both scenarios?

[joemax]

Joe, you were NOT the "most positive person in the world" when you started posting.

 

I was talking about when we were together, like a year ago, 8 months ago etc. Not when I started posting here. When I started posting, the downward spiral had already begun.

 

 

 

What would happen if you gave yourself permission to STOP loving her?

 

Here's what I think would happen: It would take a really long time to completely get over her, and even then, I don't think I'd fully be able to do it. I'd always have her on the back of my mind, I think. But on the other hand, I'd be 'free'. In the sense that I would be able to do whatever I want with any other girl, and when I'm ready for a long-term relationship, I'd be ready and not have doubts.

 

 

 

And what would happen if you gave yourself permission to STOP wanting to experience other girls, in every meaning of that?

I would be happy with her. Because the curiosity about experiences with other girls was pretty much what stopped me from being 100% happy with her. The worst? I don't see much bad happening from that. What's the worst that could happen? I got to experience love. That is as fulfilling as anything.

 

 

 

Thing is, I have never felt unsupported or discouraged by her. And I know it must seem like I'm praising her to the roofs without any validation(is that a word?), but it's just the way I feel. I was completely happy in almost every aspect of our relationship. Except that when I saw other girls (be it on TV, outside, whatever) I found myself thinking: "So, you're with this girl and things are really good. You're only gona be able to see one girl naked again for the rest of your life. You're 20 years old. This it for you buddy!". Obviously, that's in PG terms.

 

It seems stupid when I think about it now, but I can't help it - it's just the way I feel. For example, she always supported me when I talked about my father, (haven't seen him in over 5 years), encouraged me to call him all the time, wants to meet him, etc. She also encouraged me to go to Miami, where a soccer scholarship was offered to me. I ended up turning it down, but leaving would have meant not seeing her for months at a time, and she still pushed me to do it.

 

Thank you Ronni.

[mmac]

If you think your in love then I suggest you stay and work this out. Communicate your feelings to her. If you leave her I think you are gona regret it. I have done the same thing a while ago and now I am in this cycle where every few months I dump the girl. Now im so used to doing this I never get close to these girls and im usually planning my exit quietly for a month. Then I regret it. Dont get in this cycle. sounds like ur scared to get close to her and you feel guilty about it so you want to let her go. Whatever you do if you 2 are done break up face to face no text message bullsh*t that shows you never cared at all.

[Ronni_W]

...you were NOT the "most positive person in the world" when you started posting.

I was talking about when we were together, like a year ago, 8 months ago etc. Not when I started posting here. When I started posting, the downward spiral had already begun.

 

I'd need to go back and check the previous posts, but I'm thinking it was around 7 years ago that you started holding huge resentment against that guy, and feeling disappointed and short-changed by life.

Whatever the exact time frame, you have NOT been "the most positive person in the world" since then. For you or her to believe otherwise is just not facing YOUR reality. Also known as "being in denial" about that.

 

 

I get what you're saying -- your doubts and fears are only about what else you MAY end up missing in terms of "variety of the opposite sex" -- basically, yes?

But then it freaks you out because that whole concept is rather vague and nebulous, whereas genuine love in the here and now feels more 'touchable' and permanent. Kind of, what if you'd just be following a fantasy that has no substance and offers no real reward? Something like that?

 

For myself, when it comes to sexual and opposite sex relations, I've gone for quality over quantity. But I am a huge flirt. I find the art of flirting invigorating and exciting. It makes me feel feminine and attractive and sexy. And I'm good at it (at least, I was the last time I had the opportunity...which doesn't happen all that often anymore, but I don't miss it, either.)

 

Point is, I do have a bit of insight into your thoughts and desires about that activity. Not that I have intimate knowledge of yours, but that I have something personal to relate it to.

 

Okay. Lemme ask this. When you think about 'flirting', does that include that it will end in having sex? Or is 'flirting' more about the chase, for you, without sex as its inevitable conclusion?

[joemax]

I'd need to go back and check the previous posts, but I'm thinking it was around 7 years ago that you started holding huge resentment against that guy, and feeling disappointed and short-changed by life.

 

Yeah, but even then, I learned to live with it. As hard as it has been, I've been learning to embrace my life as it is.

 

 

 

I get what you're saying -- your doubts and fears are only about what else you MAY end up missing in terms of "variety of the opposite sex" -- basically, yes?

Yup.

But basically, I KNOW love is more fulfilling. Having someone there to share everything with, growing old with them, going through highs and lows - that's more fulfilling than being single and not really having strong feelings for any one person.

 

 

 

When you think about 'flirting', does that include that it will end in having sex? Or is 'flirting' more about the chase, for you, without sex as its inevitable conclusion?

 

Well, I view flirting like you do. It makes me feel desirable, wanted, and I like it when I attract someone's interest. (I guess I'm an attention whore). But yeah, the conclusion of flirting doesn't necessarily include sex at the end, but if it does, then I'm not objecting to that.

[Ronni_W]

...it was around 7 years ago that you started holding huge resentment against that guy, and feeling disappointed and short-changed by life.

Yeah, but even then, I learned to live with it.

 

Well, yes and no. Since you started posting, you have gained a much broader insight and acceptance around it -- that is just one of the ways you have grown in these past few months. But. When you started posting, it was still a major point of struggle for you, which means that you were NOT "the most positive person in the world" during your relationship.

 

I'm harping on this one cos your own skewed self-image will bite you in your ass...every day of your life and in a million different ways in all your various relationships.

 

-- your doubts and fears are only about what elseyou MAY end up missing in terms of "variety of the opposite sex" -- basically, yes?

Yup.

But basically, I KNOW love is more fulfilling. Having someone there to share everything with, growing old with them, going through highs and lows - that's more fulfilling than being single and not really having strong feelings for any one person.

 

Nah, that's not accurate if it is generalized in the way you've done.

It's only more fulfilling for SOME people. And it's certainly not more fulfilling for the majority of people YOUR age.

 

It is fine if you want to set for yourself the same goals now that you're going to set for yourself when you're 30 and 40. But that is you choosing a life and a lifestyle that is totally out of sync with your chronological age and level of experience. Which is fine, as long as you are aware of, and okay with, doing that.

 

Well, I view flirting like you do. It makes me feel desirable, wanted, and I like it when I attract someone's interest. (I guess I'm an attention whore). But yeah, the conclusion of flirting doesn't necessarily include sex at the end, but if it does, then I'm not objecting to that.

 

Nothing wrong with being an attention whore, IMO...as long as we are not hurting others or damaging property in the process .

I think the reason that I was able to "get away with" flirting even when I was in an exclusive relationship is that my partner knew I had absolutely zero interest in having sex with anyone else -- I would have strongly objected to that!

 

At your age, if I had to choose...

Well. Obviously this is me guessing about something from 25 years ago. But it is also a well-informed guess. Personally, I preferred the freedom of being single. That's what I chose for myself (until I stopped choosing it.) I never wondered what it might be like to be in relationship because I knew, I guess, that I'd have the rest of my life for that (to figure/find that out.)

 

Plus, and to be honest. There's just not such a high chance that you will, in any case, "grow old and die with" the person with whom you first fall in love (or even the first few people.) There just isn't a lot of actual evidence to support such a desire...which isn't at all to say that it doesn't happen at all. It does sometimes happen, just less and less than in our parents' and grandparents' days, is all.

 

Yikes! Now I sound like the "Grinch who stole youthful dreams and desires". <sigh>

[Ronni_W]

Hey, Joe. Hope all's well on your side.

Just wanting to wish you an excellent Holiday Season, and

Much happiness and success in the New Year.

Love'n hugs,

Ronni

 

 

Nothing wrong with being an attention whore, IMO...as long as we are not hurting others or damaging property in the process .

[mrkingcory]

It really is complicated when it comes to affairs of the heart... and found myself in the same situation. Its hard to have the best of both worlds and not many people are really "interested" in an open relationship. I want to be single / livin young too but at the same time I want to be loved.

[joemax]

Hey Ronny, I haven't been home in a while, which is the reason I haven't posted earlier.

 

 

 

I never wondered what it might be like to be in relationship because I knew, I guess, that I'd have the rest of my life for that (to figure/find that out.)

 

Yeah, I know what you mean. Thing is, I feel the same way. But there's also the fact that I feel that I KNOW I have the rest of my life to experience what it's like to be in a relationship, but I'm not sure if the girl I love will still be there. Girls like her don't come around very often.

 

For example, the other day I was on the bus and I was daydreaming. I was thinking of all the good times my ex and I spent together. I was picturing her smile, her laugh, the way she walks, talks, etc etc. I just missed her so much...

 

And then 3 girls got on the bus, they were pretty cute. And all I could think of was what it'd be like to date one of them, kiss one of them, hang out with one of them, maybe even sleep with one of them.

 

 

Anyways, I'd also like to take this opportunity to wish you a very happy holidays. Stay safe and enjoy Ronni!

[joemax]

I've been thinking, and I do apologize for bringing up an old topic...but this could just all be physical, no? Maybe it's just all about sex for me? That would be pretty f'd up, but maybe it is. I'm just trying to view this from a different angle.

 

I hung out with my ex this week, and once again, I was so annoyed that she went to sleep early and was tired early. That's what always got to me - the fact that she was never up to do anything fun late on, but is that a reason to break up?

[hotdancer2009]

EVERYONE ON THIS FORUM IS A BUNCH OF SEXIST *********S!!! When I posted a problem, "have a boyfriend and crushing on another", which was pretty much the same as this post but gender reversed, everyone was like, "break up with him" and "you are a SLUT!" I got so much crap. Everyone was so nice on this forum, saying "you should be true to your heart" and encouraging him to see the value of staying together and not leaving for greener grass on the other side. When I mentioned the grass, NOBODY thought to mention to me that perhaps I should see the value in what I already had. Everyone was like, "leave, leave, leave!" And I was stupid enough to believe them and leave my boyfriend, who I deeply loved. All it would have taken was a shift in attitude and we could have still been together today. WHY THE SEXISM????!!!! You think females are incapable of changing their attitudes? You think we are weak sluts? WRONG!!!

 

Just because someone is having thoughts about dating other people does NOT mean they should break up.

[Ronni_W]

I've been thinking, and I do apologize for bringing up an old topic...but this could just all be physical, no? Maybe it's just all about sex for me? That would be pretty f'd up,

Hey Joe!

How you doing over there? (other than with the issue at hand, of course .)

 

Even if it is all about sex for you, that is not all f'd up -- you're at the age where people do want to expand their sexual knowledge and experiences.

 

What I'm hearing now is that your and her libidos don't match quite so nicely -- is that right?

Is it a reason to break up? -- For some people, yes.

 

I think, though, that usually there is more "wrong" in a relationship than just mismatched sex drives. Sometimes that is just the easiest thing to point to, and not have to deal with the mental-emotional mismatches.

 

I think maybe you are trying to make something work for you that just doesn't work for you. Don't you think? [EDIT: At least, it more does NOT work than it does. And the parts that you perceive as working are the parts that satisfy your more "needy" stuff --that is, your fears and anxieties about being "alone".]

 

Like trying to fit a 30-inch waist into a pair of 27-inch pants -- you probably could squeeze your body into it, but it is gonna be uncomfortable as all heck, and you'll have trouble breathing and moving easily and effortlessly. And FORGET about eating .

Or, like clinging to a coffin that is already 4 feet in the ground.

 

Sometimes, Joe, we need to find the grace to let go with dignity and gratitude.

 

It doesn't really matter WHY your waist is too big for the pants, or WHY that person in the coffin died. It just is the way it is. Acceptance of the reality and facts of a situation is sometimes the only thing that can be done. And it eliminates the fear, guilt and resistance that causes so much agony.

 

 

PS: I missed your Dec. 24 post -- belated thanks for the good wishes...and hoping this year will bring you LOTS of clarity and many of the experiences that you want, that will fill your mind, heart, soul and, empty your...er...well, that'll make you totally happy and content

[joemax]

Hey Joe!

How you doing over there? (other than with the issue at hand, of course .)

 

I'm doing better, thanks. Working out a bit more, trying to stay as healthy as I can. How about you? Spend a good holidays?

 

 

Even if it is all about sex for you, that is not all f'd up -- you're at the age where people do want to expand their sexual knowledge and experiences.

 

Yeah, I know. But I told my friend and he said something that struck me: "I may have a queen water bed and you may have a regular single bed, but at the end of the day when you wana go to bed, no matter how much more comfortable my bed may seem, you'll only have a good night's sleep if you sleep on your bed".

 

I think he meant to say that all girls have the same body parts, and no matter how many you have experiences/sleep with, it's all pretty much the same. Love though, that isn't the same.

 

 

What I'm hearing now is that your and her libidos don't match quite so nicely -- is that right?

Is it a reason to break up? -- For some people, yes.

 

Well, no. Our sex life was great, we both wanted it the same amount pretty much.

 

 

 

Sometimes, Joe, we need to find the grace to let go with dignity and gratitude.

 

You're completely right, and I know I may sound like I'm reiterating something over and over again with no point, but I just wana make sure I make the right decision. I guess I'm okay as a single man, although I do miss her like ****! I\m just trying to figure out whether I miss her or I miss A girlfriend.

 

I know there's plenty of fish in the sea, but other than this other girl I went on a date with last month, I really had no interest romantically in anyone else. It was more, like I said, physical, with almost every other girl I meet. I wish I wasn't like that, but I guess I'm at that age.

 

Maybe I got so used to my ex? For example, she never wore any sexy PJ's when she slept over (and she slept over a lot) and I've always wanted her to wear something sexy to bed. She never bought tight pants (is it bad that I want people to be jealous when they see me with her?). She did though, buy lingerie and model it for my birthday for me.

 

Maybe that's the problem? That we got so used to each other? But then I ask, how do people that have been together for 20 years do it? How do they keep the excitement there?

 

Anyways, Thanks Ronni. Take care

[Ronni_W]

Hi Joe.

Yes, thanks -- my holidays were great. Hope yours, too.

 

The thing is, if you REALLY REALLY WANT a queen water bed, then you are gonna stop having peaceful & restful sleep in your single bed -- your strong DESIRE for the other will eventually lead to your resentment/disgust with the single...even though that one is perfectly good, it just will stop being good enough for you. Human nature just is that way.

 

Joe, you are NEVER going to be sure that you're making "THE right" decision -- it doesn't matter if the difference is as minor as the colour of your car.

 

Life just does NOT come with guarantees of how the future is going to pan out.

And you are NOT a fortune-teller, so there is no point desperately trying to be one. Sad as that may be for you to hear. .

 

There is NO WAY for you to be absolutely sure.

If that is the only feeling or knowledge or sense that you're waiting for, you are totally giving up on Life. Take a look around you right now -- that is the exact same place you are gonna be on your deathbed, too. That is, UNLESS you give up on your deep, unreasonable, unrealistic desire to 100% know the future.

 

So. It's NOT about making "THE right" decision (if such even exists which, in this case, I don't think so.)

It's about making the decision that FEELS BEST for you, for NOW...for this particular phase of your growth, that will support your personal goals and desires MORE THAN any other decision that you could make.

 

Yes, there are many other women. But that doesn't mean that your 'romantically interesting' ones are gonna show-up one right after the other.

It's not unusual for there to be gaps of many months to many years, in between our significant relationships.

 

At this point, you really do not need to worry about keeping excitement in a 20-year (or 5-year) relationship. Take that off your "worry list" cos you have enough other, more current stuff going on that needs your mental energy. Make sense?