Thought I knew what I want

[joemax]

The thing is, if you REALLY REALLY WANT a queen water bed, then you are gonna stop having peaceful & restful sleep in your single bed -- your strong DESIRE for the other will eventually lead to your resentment/disgust with the single...even though that one is perfectly good, it just will stop being good enough for you. Human nature just is that way.

 

Yeah, you're right. Thing is though, when we're together, I'm truly happy. Sure, I may be 'distracted' by other things, but I'm happy. We laugh, we talk, we joke around, we play-fight, we're basically best friends. And I dont wana jeopardize that just cause I wana experience sex with other girls.

 

 

So. It's NOT about making "THE right" decision (if such even exists which, in this case, I don't think so.)

It's about making the decision that FEELS BEST for you, for NOW...for this particular phase of your growth, that will support your personal goals and desires MORE THAN any other decision that you could make.

 

For now, my goals and desires are still intertwined. Which is why I'm having so much trouble deciding, but I'm slowly getting there I think. I'm just thinking "Yeah, you wana date other people just to see how the 'field' is. But, you had/have SO MUCH fun with this girl. She's awesome, her friends are awesome, her parents are *******s but it's ok, she gets along with all your friends and they get along with her, she does anything for you, she tries to be involved in your life as much as she can while still giving you the space you need, she watches sports with you (or tries to), and yeah, she still have some faults, but the pros outweight the cons by a mile.". Which is why I'm taking my time making this decision, the decision that's as close to being right as possible.

[Ronni_W]

Okies! Now it sounds as if you are getting somewhere that isn't so totally confusing and crazy-making -- well done .

Keep working with it for as long as your mind feels necessary (while not going insane in the process, of course!) It may help to create 4 separate lists:

[1] The current and potential benefits of staying in the relationship. [2] The current and potential disadvantages/risks of same.

[3] The current and potential benefits of becoming totally single. [4] The current and potential disadvantages/risks of same.

 

There will be some overlaps, but there'll be many differences, too. And again, when you're brainstorming potential future scenarios, it is just your CURRENT best guess as to what those may, and may not, be. You're not carving anything in stone.

 

A different set of lists would be around what you currently have, receive from and give to the relationship, versus what you would ideally have, receive from, and give to your ideal relationship.

And see how those lists match-up, and be honest about how realistic it is for THIS relationship to fulfill MOST OF (not all, cos that ain't happening) your relationship desires/wants/goals. [EDIT: That is, how realistic your expectations are, that this one is going to fulfill MOST OF them, for the long-term.]

 

For now, my goals and desires are still intertwined.

Your goals must ALWAYS match-up (intertwine) with your desires, Joe. That is how we all fulfill our desires...by establishing the goals and taking the action steps that will bring us contentment/fulfillment.

I guess you could look at "desires/wants" and "goals" being the exact same thing...meaning, basically, whatever you want to be, do and have in your life.

 

"Needs" are different. In reality, we only really NEED clean air, water, food, sleep and appropriate shelter. All the other stuff that we say that we "need" are really desires/wants. (We just like to tell ourselves that we'd die without getting our desires/wants fulfilled. But that obviously ain't the case.)

 

Good luck with your continued brainstorming efforts...keep us posted how it goes!

[joemax]

[1] The current and potential benefits of staying in the relationship.

 

Hmm. Emotional stability, having someone there for me and being there for her, we have so much fun together, I think I love her.

 

 

 

[2] The current and potential disadvantages/risks of same.

 

Risk of getting back together and then breaking up for the 3RD time, which really doesn't say much of my character.

 

 

 

[3] The current and potential benefits of becoming totally single.

 

Get to experience what it's like to be single, be able to date other girls.

 

 

[4] The current and potential disadvantages/risks of same.

 

Loneliness, missing her terribly, not looking forward to much which is really bad.

 

 

 

My brain's working hard. Thank you Ronni.

[Ronni_W]

...then breaking up for the 3RD time, which really doesn't say much of my character.

 

No, it won't say anything about your character. Breaking up for a 3rd time will be telling you something about your decision-making process, and the level of your relationship skills. Those are things you can learn and/or improve upon...ZERO to do with your basic nature.

 

When you're working on your "lists", you wanna come up with 5 or 20 items...the more the better. That's part of good decision-making...you gotta EXHAUST all the pros and cons, before you can make the most well-informed decision possible.

 

Change it up a bit. Google '6 hats brainstorming' and learn the technique -- buy a book or attend a workshop. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT than you've been doing for the past six months. You won't get unstuck until you change how you're trying to get unstuck (cos how you've been doing it is NOT working.)

 

If you don't improve your decision-making skills PRONTO, you are gonna totally lose confidence in your ability to make any decision at all, and will be more stuck than not for most of the rest of your life. Always gonna be depending on others to tell you what, when and how to do -- and that will have seriously negative consequences on ALL your relationships.

 

And then, breaking up for the 8th time is still going to be pointing to your lack of effective decision-making skills.

My brain's working hard.

It's also okay to give yourself a break, but especially to use your brain in a different way than just to recycle the same material over and over and over again.

 

Read a book. Doesn't matter if it is 'Snow White & the 7 Dwarfs' or 'Ruling Your World' or 'Moby Dick' or 'Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda.' That is, get out of your own head -- clear the cobwebs -- make space for something more creative to happen.

Google "quantum physics for dummies" or "how to knit" or "build your own robot." That is, feed your brain something new and nutritious...LEARN SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

 

You ARE making decisions, Joe...every day, a hundred times a day. Only you can determine if you're doing the best job possible but, IMHO, you really aren't doing things as well as you do have the power to do. Misusing your power, is maybe a way to put it.

 

Hugs and good luck. Make a new decision -- "I'm gonna read Moby Dick" (or whatever new thing you choose to learn/do.) And see what happens...you might be very pleasantly surprised, yes?

[joemax]

I've never let anyone tell me what to do. I think my life belong to me and no one else, and when I make a decision, I tend to think of the people I Love, yes, but most of all I wana make sure I'll be happy with that decision.

 

By the way, I'm a vegetarian now. It's been a week and a bit now. It's been going good and I'm eating better, so I'm proud of myself in that sense.

 

I've been seeing my ex a bit more. We're not back together, far from it, and I made sure she understannds that. But seeing her has been good, we talk, we have fun, and we're taking things easy.

 

Maybe part of the reason we broke up was cause we saw each other too much. I'm thinking that might have been it. And we were talking about moving in together and whatnot, maybe that had something to do with it.

[Ronni_W]

Congrats on sticking to your new dietary goals!

 

Part of it could have been that you had allowed your "self" stuff to get old and stale. That is, maybe you stopped investing time and energy into pursuing your individual interests, hobbies and goals (like health, fitness, sports, educational, financial, social, etc.)

So you ended up in a rut, but it wasn't so much the relationship as that you had stopped paying attention to all your other needs.

 

In which case, yes, your relationship is going to greatly improve if you don't have it as your ONLY source of fun, inspiration, companionship and fulfillment. That way, you ensure that your life stays interesting and exciting, and won't end up putting the responsibility for ALL of that on "the relationship" or on her.

[joemax]

Update time!:

 

we've been seeing each other a bit more and more, but I've made sure she understand that we're not back together, and there are no promises. She seems very understanding, from what she's told me, and seems to be enjoying the time we're spending together.

 

In a weird way, this is good for me because I get to see her while not being in a relationship. I guess it's less pressure.

[Ronni_W]

hey Joe.

Glad to hear that things are working better for you . Definitely keep on doing what you're doing to ensure that you don't feel any unnecessary pressure, and that you're personally taking care of all your important needs and wants instead of putting it on something or someone else.

Good job!

[joemax]

Yeah, as soon as I start thinking about getting back together, I start feeling the same old feeling again. The feeling of : "you're probably not gona marry this girl, so why be with her?"

 

It's like I'm comparing her to every single half-cute girl I see. I think it's more that maybe I'm not that attracted to her anymore.

 

I do love spending time with her, I love spending time among her friends and mine, cause we all get along so well. I'm really looking forward to this summer with her, if we do get back together. All the cottage fun, kayaking fun etc etc.

 

I don't know why I'm comparing her to other girls. It's like I forgot what it's like to be single. It doesn't help that I really don't feel lik I have a best friend. You know? ONE friend that you can tell absolutely anything to. I have 5 or 6 very good friends, but we don't really talk that much. They're always busy with their girlfriends and whatnot.

 

Thanks Ronni.

[Ronni_W]

Joe,

What self-help have you completed thus far? What books have you read, what sites have you visited? What tools and techniques are you using? What have you found useful or unhelpful? Have you met with an individual therapist, or are you considering doing that?

 

That is, OTHER THAN stay in your non-productive, ineffective loop of go-nowhere thought patterns, what are you doing to get yourself out of this mental, emotional and physical rut that you've got yourself into?

 

Cos, honestly, we can do this for another 6 months...but you still won't be an inch further until you take some real responsibility for your own thoughts and how they are undermining your personal power, and your ability to enjoy your present and properly plan for your future.

 

You are the ONLY one who can turn things around for yourself, Joe.

 

Your ex right now is being perceived as some kind of "saviour" or "security provider" but that is a distorted picture. She WILL get tired of this crap, and she WILL realize that life doesn't have to be as hard as you are making it, for yourself and for her.

 

You GOTTA step-up and stand up for your Self, Joe. That's really all there is to it. I'd love to help and support you any way that I can...but I can't do FOR you, what you must do for yourself.

 

So...figure it out and tell me how I can HELP you, wouldja?

Hugs,

Ronni

[joemax]

Well, I've been doing as much as I can. The vegetarian thing, I've been going out and meeting new people as much as I can, I quit my old boring job that I hated, I've been going out with my friends as much as I can (whenever they're available).

 

I don't think I see her as a "rescue plan" or anything of the sort. It's just that I truly enjoy spending time with her. Like I said, we laugh, we understand each other, we talk, we joke around. I always wana tell her everything that's happened to me, no matter how insignificant.

 

It's just my stupid perception of how things "should" be that's screwing me up. I don't know why I do this to myself. I always wana be more outgoing. I always wana be with a prettier girl. I always wana have more friends etc etc etc. It's so stupid and like a self-inflicted wound. Completely useless.

 

But I'm trying my best. I promise. Thank you.

[Ronni_W]

Hey Joe.

Good on you for quitting a boring, hated job...and best of luck at the new one, of course!

 

Yeah, it is that some of our "shoulds" are coming from inaccurate or incomplete beliefs. It does cause self-inflicted angst and discontent, but I wouldn't really call it "stupid" -- your feelings are trying to tell you something important about the current path that you're on.

 

It's that you need to be doing more, to find out what that is. What are your most important relationship needs? What are your personal values and standards? What are you doing to increase your self-awareness and emotional intelligence?

 

How, specifically, is your life going to be, look and feel "better", if you can only score more friends, become more outgoing, and have a prettier girlfriend?

 

I'd encourage you to read the articles on 'emotional needs' and do the related questionnaire at marriagebuilders.com -- DO SOMETHING to help yourself gain a better insight into your Self (which you simply won't/can't get from meeting new people and changing your girlfriend or diet.)

 

If you want to PM me after you've done that 'emotional needs' survey, do feel free

Hugs,

Ronni

[joemax]

How, specifically, is your life going to be, look and feel "better", if you can only score more friends, become more outgoing, and have a prettier girlfriend?

 

 

I guess I'll be viewed as more outgoing, 'cooler', more of 'the man'.

 

 

 

We are taking things slow. I'm learning to not care so much about how people see me. It's a slow learning process, but it's steady and somehow I'm getting there.

 

I'm keeping myself busy and I made sure to tell her I don't wana see her everyday. Not because I don't love spending time with her, but because it's good to miss someone, right? She understands.

 

It's good. I'm happier than I was. I know I can be perfectly fine alone as well, which, in the back of my head, is always a comforting thought to have.

 

My mom and I, we're moving into a new bigger house. I'm joining a soccer team this summer. I'm about to buy a new car. Very very slowly, the sun is shining.

 

Ronni, thank you so so so so much. I will definitely keep you updated...if you don't mind that is.

[Ronni_W]

Hey Joe!

It's always good to read you -- update anytime...please and thanks

 

Sounds as if you have a busy summer ahead. Will you be playing or coaching soccer? Enjoy your new home and your new car in happiness and good health.

 

It's good. I'm happier than I was. I know I can be perfectly fine alone as well, which, in the back of my head, is always a comforting thought to have.

 

That is excellent!!! And it's so true -- the more confident we are in our own abilities and "positives", the safer and more secure we feel in general...and the better we are in our relationships with others.

 

I guess I'll be viewed as more outgoing, 'cooler', more of 'the man'.

 

I dunno. For me, it's preferable to just be your own person, and live the life that you were born to live...whatever that may be. IME, you end up feeling happier and more fulfilled/content when you stay 'true to you' instead of trying to be/do/have things that take you out of integrity.

 

The planet needs you EXACTLY the way you are -- it doesn't need some watered-down version of you, and it doesn't need you to be some fake/imitation version of someone else, either. Know what I mean?

 

Any case. I am delighted to hear that things are going so well for you. Keep up your good efforts...and keep on updating (if YOU don't mind, that is.)

 

My pleasure to have been able to assist -- thanks for allowing me to do that

Love'n hugs,

Ronni

[joemax]

I'm back...unfortunately.

 

I'm just not happy in the relationship. I was for a while, but there's way too many things about her that I don't like. But then I think about that quote: "Happiness isn't having the perfect life. It's seeing beyond all the imperfections!".

 

I'm trying to see beyond all the imperfections.

 

Doesn't help that there's another girl I like, but I realise I can't pursue that till I resolve my current relationship.

 

I'm thinking to break up with her for good, but it's hard. I know I have to think of me and me and me, but I really do care immensely about this girl. She will be heartbroken and I hope she'll recover.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, Joe.

Yes, she will recover...in her own way and time, she will definitely recover.

 

In truth, by dragging this thing out any longer you are being extremely unkind to her and only thinking about yourself. You are NOT doing her any favours...and you are not acting in your own best interest, either.

 

So, you are BOTH losing right now. You BOTH deserve better from you.

 

Love and happiness are not things to be endured. I disagree with whomever said that thing you quoted. Life is not about denying "imperfections". We are also called upon to be aware of, and honour, our desires, preferences, dislikes and goals.

 

You will both be sad, and you will both recover. The quote that I like for this situation is: Don't be sad that it's over, be glad that it happened!

 

Sending Courage, Strength and Wisdom...

and lots of hugs.

[joemax]

Yeah, she will recover. But will I? I mean, I know I'll be o.k, but I'm always gona think about her and breaking her heart and I'm always gona miss her being around.

 

Don't think we'd ever be able to become friends, it would just be too hard. We loved each other way too much, she still does.

 

I have a feeling she thinks it's going downhill, but I'm gona bring it up later on and I'll see what she says.

 

Thanks Ronni.

[Ronni_W]

Yep, you will recover too, Joe

I think maybe you just have to tell her -- there's really no point waiting to see what she'll say, is there? Not from your point of view. Just tell her.

 

Like you say, she pro'ly already KNOWS that it's coming so, right now it's just "death by a thousand cuts" that is going on for both of you -- it's more torturous than either of you need or deserve, don't you think?

 

Good luck, Joe. It will be tough but not doing it is just going to make it so much tougher in the long run.

[joemax]

Yeah, I brought up the fact that I've been feeling very distant from her, and she looked very very sad, but you could tell she kinda saw it coming.

 

I don't know why, but I have a feeling she's preparing herself for the worst. I'm gona miss her like hell if things do end up going south, I'm not looking forward to days and days of thinking about her and what she's doing and why I hurt her.

 

Thanks Ronni.

[Ronni_W]

Welcome, Joe.

I'm not sure that I'm following "IF" things go south. Aren't things pretty much as south as they go, except for your self-honesty and your being honest with her about it?

 

And, of course, YOU are in 100% charge and control of your own thoughts...there is NOBODY else gonna be able to put thoughts into your head for you. So, if you don't want to waste days and days thinking about something you don't want to think about...then DO NOT DO IT!

 

Yes, there most likely will be times when your mind will start to think about it. But it's up to you to curtail your own unwanted mental activity. You CAN learn and master how to manage all of that, yes?

[joemax]

Yeah, but it's very hard to control one's thoughts. I mean, it's easy when you're with friends not to think about sad things, but when you're alone, it's pretty damn hard. I'll do my best though.

 

It's just that all my family LOVES her, my mom thinks of her as a daughter, my little brother adores her, my dog is so attached to her.

 

But life's all about decisions.

[Ronni_W]

Thought management is not at all as difficult as we think it is -- but, yes, it does take lots of practice. In fact, you can start right now. Think about...a bowl of fruit. That is, right now, think about a bowl of fruit. (Okay so...think about the fruit for at least a few seconds before you carry on reading.)

 

 

Okay, NOW think about a herd of elephants. See how easy it really is to manage your own thoughts? It just takes practice. Keep practicing, Joe!!!

 

That other stuff about your mom, brother and dog? Those are just your BS excuses that you want to use to not do what you know you have to do but don't look forward to doing. It's fine to not do it...that is also a perfectly acceptable decision. It's just that there's no need or reason to BS yourself in the process. Know what I mean?

[joemax]

For some reason, thinking about the elephants was easier than the fruit. But then when I did, I thought of a baby elephant getting separated from his mom and that made me sad, haha. Stupid me.

 

It's not BS excuses though Ronni. I'm not lying. My mother does absolutely love her, so do my brother and my dog. I feel like I'd be letting them all down.

 

I realise it's probably the right thing to do, but if it's so right, why does it hurt so so much when I think about it?

[stace79]

All I can say is, The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

 

If what you have is perfect when you're together, Why bother looking what you might not find elsewhere? People always want what they can't have.

 

All due respect, but I totally disagree with this. I don't think this is an issue of "grass is greener". I think it's that you are still pretty young and you have not experienced life. I definitely respect that you have not cheated and that you acknowledge this girl's great qualities.

 

Still, I am a firm believer that at 20 you don't know yourself all that well yet, and you have to do a lot more living before you'll know what it is you TRULY want.

 

I think, with the feelings you're having, that you should end this relationship for the time being. It will probably be very difficult, but I think in the long run you will realize that while this girl is great and you may love her, you are not yet ready to settle down. You still have some life left to live before making a permanent commitment.

[stace79]

I realise it's probably the right thing to do, but if it's so right, why does it hurt so so much when I think about it?

 

Because you are a decent person, and you don't want to hurt anyone else. It's admirable. But you have to be true to your feelings or in the long run you will ALL get hurt.