Thought I knew what I want

[Ronni_W]

For some reason, thinking about the elephants was easier

Well, yeah...some things are easier/nicer to think about than others. But, that was YOU choosing to focus on babies and moms getting separated. (It wasn't "stupid", it's just how your thoughts went. But. Do you have any insight into WHY you chose to allow your thoughts to go that way?)

 

It's not BS excuses though Ronni. I'm not lying. My mother does absolutely love her, so do my brother and my dog. I feel like I'd be letting them all down.

Sorry...my fault for not making myself clear. I knew they are not lies. I meant that you are (mis)using those truths to stay stuck and not make a decision. That is, how your mom, brother and dog feel about her are NOT relevant when you are making your decision about your relationship.

 

It is a faulty belief that you have to sacrifice your own desires, goals and happiness to (try to) keep other people happy. Besides, my strong guess is that your mom, brother and dog will ultimately want you to follow your own path and do what YOU need to do to grow and develop into a well-functioning adult who is experiencing what HE wants to in life. People who truly love you will want that for you, Joe.

 

Stace offered you a very nice compliment along with some very wise words...you are gonna read those posts a few times, and really try to apply it to your current situation, yes?

 

Hugs. Again, sorry that I wasn't clear before -- I totally know that you wouldn't just make up stuff like that!

[joemax]

But, before this other girl that I kinda like showed up, everything was fine.

 

I don't wana break up with her and then things with the other girl don't work out and I'm regretting my decision. I realise it's stupid to think that way, but I do.

[joemax]

Because you are a decent person, and you don't want to hurt anyone else. It's admirable. But you have to be true to your feelings or in the long run you will ALL get hurt.

 

Yeah, you're right. But there's also the fact that if we do break up, I'm gona miss her soooo much. Like, just thinking about it and I'm close to tears. I don't wana do it, but at the same time I want to.

 

This really doesn't feel good.

[Ronni_W]

But, before this other girl that I kinda like showed up, everything was fine.

Joe, if everything was REALLY, deep-down, truly "fine", then this other girl showing up would not have had ANY impact on you.

 

I'm not sure how you've been making it fine for yourself, but you have your own evidence that it is not REALLY fine. It has not been fine since before you started posting nine months ago.

 

You are afraid to be hurt in the future. That is something we ALL would like to avoid. But most of us do realize that we have to take some risks if we want to achieve our highest potential and be the happiest that we can be.

 

It seems that you would rather settle than take any risks at all, which possibly an individual therapist may be able to help you explore that -- is that something you have or would consider?

[joemax]

We just broke up. She just left an hour ago. I told her everything, told her I'm just not ready to be in a relationship. She was crying so much, I was crying too.

 

It feels like I'm losing my best friend. I'm a mess

[stace79]

I know you are hurting but you just have to allow yourself to be sad and lonely. It WILL get better. She WILL get better. I know -- I've been through it. Just keep writing on here, talk to your family or friends, find anything to help you just get through each minute. You will be okay, and one day she will realize that you are doing the honorable thing and she will respect and appreciate you for being honest with yourself and her.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, Joe.

And congratulations for taking a stand for your own happy and successful future -- this is where you start to grow, where you learn about your inner strengths.

 

Weird, huh? How it can hurt so freakin' bad and STILL have many positive lessons buried under all the pain? That's how it is, though.

 

Use the 'coping' forum -- there is/are some excellent advice, tools and strategies for just the situation in which you currently find yourself.

 

Congrats, Joe. And big, BIG hugs.

[joemax]

Ugh, I just feel like I wana die. I miss her so much already.

 

And yeah Ronni, I opened up a topic in the coping forum.

 

Thank you again.

[Ronni_W]

I know, Joe.

It is tough. It's gonna be tough for a little while. But you've been struggling with this for more than nine months! (You coulda given birth to a baby by now! <joke>)

 

You haven't felt really fulfilled for a while. You made a decision...and that is a good thing. You decided to change something...and that is a good thing.

 

It's tough. But sometimes it just is that you have to "pay your dues" for what you really want. It's about being willing to do that, and Trusting that the Universe is also working with you.

 

Sending Love, Light, Courage and Wisdom,

Ronni

[joemax]

We met yesterday. I had to drive to her place to give her the rest of her stuff, and before I knew it, we were kissing. We had sex in the car. I feel like crap.

 

I did talk to her after though. I told her I don't want her to think that we're getting back or anything, she said she understood and and can make her own decisions.

 

I just feel like ****.

[Ronni_W]

I just feel like ****.

That's cos you have a healthy conscience, Joe.

You're using her, and you know it, and you know that is a crappy thing to do to another human being.

 

So, the good news is that you have a healthy conscience.

You will start feeling better about yourself and your actions once you allow your conscience to be your guide. Guaranteed.

[joemax]

I'm starting to think this won't get any better. The days are long, nights are even longer. I feel lonely and I miss her. I watched the Notebook a couple of days ago. But that's not really how life works. People don't wait for each other. You get one chance and you either take it or don't.

[kizik]

I watched the Notebook a couple of days ago. But that's not really how life works. People don't wait for each other. You get one chance and you either take it or don't.

 

You are 100% correct. Real life is more like Cast Away. You're married, you leave home without her, your plane crashes. You get stranded on a desert island for four years. Magically you make it home, only to find your wife assumed you were dead, and remarried to someone else.

 

She doesn't wait, she grieves, and finds another person to be happy with.

 

And we should, too.

[Ronni_W]

I'm starting to think this won't get any better. The days are long, nights are even longer. I feel lonely and I miss her.

Hey Joe.

The question you need to be able to answer is this: Are you ready, willing and able to 100% commit to her and stop jerking her around and stringing her along with your confusion and "I want you but I don't want you but I want you but I don't know what I want" crap?

 

If you don't yet know that 100%, then you will just have to endure whatever comes your way, until you can decide...and feel 100% solid and confident in your decision. It's that you refuse to decide that you are putting yourself through this hell.

 

It's only going to get better when YOU decide that you've had enough of this crap that you're putting yourself through...and putting her through if you're still trying to keep her in your life like some kinda back-up, Plan B girl.

She deserves MUCH better than that.

 

And YOU deserve much better than this. You're making choices that aren't serving you, Joe. You're letting your fears rule your life, and make you unhappy and lonely and miserable.

 

I know it's difficult and depressing. But you are the ONLY ONE who has the power to do anything to get yourself out of it. Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you learn how to assess for, and be comfortable with taking, appropriate and calculated risks? It's a life skill that you will need to master if you ever want to achieve your bigger goals and dreams. Or just 'google' it and see what you can self-learn. DO SOMETHING for yourself, Joe.

 

Big hugs. I know it's tough.

[joemax]

Check in time:

 

Well, I went on a couple of dates, nothing too special. Every girl I meet it seems that she's too boring, too nonchalant for my liking, doesn't make me laugh like my ex did.

 

Anyways, yesterday, my ex told me that she kissed another guy. As soon as I heard that, something really bad inside me really hurt. It still does. I can barely smile for some reason. I wana hold her and make her mine again. She said she didn't wana kiss him, but was caught offguard and was pretty drunk.

 

I wish she hadn't told me. All weird feelings start rushing back. I don't know what to do now. I guess I was happy being single, but I still missed her. Ronni, don't kill me please. I'm trying to make progress, I promise. I need you though.

 

She told him she still had feelings for her ex (me) but he still kissed her. It doesn't feel good at all. I guess it serves me right though, I almost did pretty much the same thing to her.

[Ronni_W]

Hey Joe, it's good to read you again!

Of course I'm not gonna "kill" you . I'm actually gonna say that I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a painful time.

 

But I'm thinking that maybe it is good that she told you because it is also something that you need to think about [cos] when she does start dating her next boyfriend, you are going to have to deal with that...this way at least you can get used to the idea little by little.

That is, it's not that it "serves you right" but that maybe it is just an experience that you can learn from? (You're right though...that is what you did to her.)

 

Or. Do you think that you could get back with her, Joe, and just be happy and content with just her...for the foreseeable future?

Or is there still a chance that you'd quickly get all, "I don't know what I want but I don't want to miss out on all the other hot babes, drunken parties," etc., etc?

 

I mean. If you consider how happy you were being single -- how does that feeling measure up to how happy you can envision yourself feeling if you were with her?

What would you say if she just is your "one" that you're supposed to be with through this stage of your life? (I don't know if she is...I'm asking if maybe you have a better idea now, if she is or isn't?)

[joemax]

Or. Do you think that you could get back with her, Joe, and just be happy and content with just her...for the foreseeable future?

 

Honest answer: I don't know. Seeing as how much I was hurt by her telling about the other guy, I'm thinking it's highly possible. The last time I was hurt this much was when I was 18 and broken up with out of the blue. I've been seeingg complete darkness for the past 2 days with the thought that I could lose her forever.

 

 

Or is there still a chance that you'd quickly get all, "I don't know what I want but I don't want to miss out on all the other hot babes, drunken parties," etc., etc?

 

Honestly, yes, there is a chance. If there wasn't, I'd ask her to try a relationship again right this instant.

 

 

I mean. If you consider how happy you were being single -- how does that feeling measure up to how happy you can envision yourself feeling if you were with her?

 

They've both got their pros and cons. Being single, I still always missed her. Things were fine when I was out and about with friends and whatnot, but at the end of the day, I was lonely without her.

 

 

What would you say if she just is your "one" that you're supposed to be with through this stage of your life? (I don't know if she is...I'm asking if maybe you have a better idea now, if she is or isn't?)

 

through this stage of life? My biggest fear is growing old and not living life to the fullest. I always hear of middle aged adults that either cheat or are unehappy in their marriages because they commited way too young and never had the chance to live life fully or experience anything. I don;t want that to be me.

 

 

Ronni, let me ask you a question. In all the time you've been helping me out on this forum, do you feel I've made any progress?

 

Thanks so much.

[Ronni_W]

Ronni, let me ask you a question. In all the time you've been helping me out on this forum, do you feel I've made any progress?

Crap, Joe! I don't actually get to pass judgment on that -- but I don't want to cop-out on you, either. I would guess that you've made a LOT of progress in areas that you're not even posting about.

 

In terms of the problem you originally posted about...I think you weighed all the facts, and you made a decision. THAT was progress, yes? And you have been living up to that decision. And THAT is progress, too. Right?

 

From the rest of your post...am I misinterpreting or have you basically reached the conclusion, albeit with a few reservations, that you did make the wisest decision for yourself, for this stage of your life? And if so, then...well, now you DO know what you want, and that is what you didn't know when you first posted!

 

The thing, I think, is that you wanted BOTH - you wanted to be single and you wanted your (ex) g/f to stay in a committed relationship with you . You've always known that you can't have both, though; this new development is just reinforcing what you've always known.

 

Your psyche is freaked out cos it doesn't like that you guys are (finally) coming to the end-end, but you knew this was going to be the next step -- that you'd eventually need to cut that last "apron string" and become a 100% independent, self-reliant adult. You're going to be fine, Joe. Seriously you are.

 

But that's just my observation-opinion. The important questions is: Do you think you've made progress, Joe?

[joemax]

Well, I'm guessing that if it bothered me this much to hear she kissed another guy, then obviously I still have feelings for her, do you not agree?

 

Your psyche is freaked out cos it doesn't like that you guys are (finally) coming to the end-end, but you knew this was going to be the next step -- that you'd eventually need to cut that last "apron string" and become a 100% independent, self-reliant adult. You're going to be fine, Joe. Seriously you are.

 

Are you saying you think we're completely done?

 

 

And yeah, I do think I've made progress. I'm not AS scared to make decisions. I still am, but slowly I'm progressing.

[Ronni_W]

Well, I'm guessing that if it bothered me this much to hear she kissed another guy, then obviously I still have feelings for her, do you not agree?

I don't necessarily agree, no. You might still have feelings about her -- like possessive, jealous, territorial-type feelings -- but that's not the same as having feelings FOR her, like respect, admiration, love-type feelings.

 

Are you saying you think we're completely done?

Nah. I think I was saying that your psyche recognizes that you're another step closer to that. It has been baby-steps...and that is what "progress" is, yes? As you say, you're not AS scared at the prospect, anymore.

 

I get that it's still difficult, and oftentimes scary and confusing.

Sending BIG hugs...and all the "good stuff" that you may need

[joemax]

She slept over last night. What I do know is that right now, for some reason, I can't get enough of her. Is it cause I don't trust her? Is it cause I don't wana lose her? Bit of both? I don't know. I don't even know if this is healthy.

 

I've been thinking about it too. We never went on any trips or anything. We rarely went out. Maybe it's my fault a bit too. Maybe I let the relationship get boring. Maybe it's both our faults. I;m just brainstorming.

 

I'm starting to entertain the idea that all girls have the same body parts, in the sense that while it's good to be able to get women, it doesn't give you the same emotional joy of having a somebody special. I guess that's progress.

 

 

Ronni, I don't know how you're still putting up with me. I would completely understand if you stopped replying, I'm just posting here to vent. Thank you!

[Ronni_W]

Joe, you guys have been broken up for how long? As your ex, she gets to do whatever she pleases and you don't get to lose "trust" in her over it. That's only a prerogative within a committed/exclusive relationship.

And you can't really "lose" her at this point, can you? Cos you already dumped her ass however long ago. So, I really don't know, either .

We never went on any trips or anything. We rarely went out. Maybe it's my fault a bit too. Maybe I let the relationship get boring.

Maybe! And truth is that you are 100% responsible for your "half" of ANY relationship...so it would be your "fault" a lot if that relationship just got boring and stale. What did YOU do, personally, to keep the relationship fresh and exciting?

 

I'm starting to entertain the idea that all girls have the same body parts, in the sense that while it's good to be able to get women, it doesn't give you the same emotional joy of having a somebody special. I guess that's progress.

Well, yes, generally speaking we do all have the same body parts (same as you guys do.) And you're right, body parts offer sexual satisfaction and physical intimacy, but some other aspect inspires emotional joy and connection.

That's DEFINITE progress

 

No worries, Joe. I'm not just "putting up" with you...I guess you're still doing your part to keep our relationship fresh and exciting

[joemax]

Joe, you guys have been broken up for how long?

 

We broke up end of May, so uhh... 5 months now.

 

 

 

As your ex, she gets to do whatever she pleases and you don't get to lose "trust" in her over it. That's only a prerogative within a committed/exclusive relationship.

And you can't really "lose" her at this point, can you?

 

I know, I know my logic is highly flawed, but I can't help how I feel. Like I said, I'm being a total hypocrite 'cause I did even worse, but I just never thought I'd lose her for some reason. Completely selfish thinking.

 

 

 

 

What did YOU do, personally, to keep the relationship fresh and exciting?

 

In the sense of taking trips and whatnot, not much. We never took any trips just the two of us in 2.5 years. We spent most of our time watching TV at my place, hanging out with my friends or hers, etc. Nothing really exciting, unfortunately. Thing is, I feel like I still wana party and go wild with my buddies. I guess I'm at that age. But more and more I'm also thinking that I can party and be wild with my buddies while being in a commited relationship.

 

 

 

Man, how I wish I was 8 years old again. Things were so much easier back then.

[Ronni_W]

Man, how I wish I was 8 years old again. Things were so much easier back then.

Ain't THAT the truth, huh? Peter Pan had it right!

I know my logic is highly flawed, but I can't help how I feel.

 

Actually, Joe. The first thing is that logic relates to thoughts, not feelings. But/and. Of course you can help how you feel...and you can help what you think. Not only that, you are IN CHARGE of how you feel and of what you think. Not only that, you are also responsible for fixing all of your "highly flawed logic". ALL of it.

 

Who told you that you cannot help how YOU feel and that you just to get sail through life with "highly flawed" logic? Whoever it was, was lying to you. You need to take 100% charge of your own feelings and your own flawed logic.

 

Seriously...who ELSE do you think is going to do it for you???

..I just never thought I'd lose her for some reason. Completely selfish thinking.

...But more and more I'm also thinking that I can party and be wild with my buddies while being in a commited relationship.

 

Joe, that last part is just MORE "selfish thinking" on your part. It doesn't sound as if you even considered that, in a committed relationship, you would need to work with your partner to create an exciting, fresh, inspiring relationship that you can BOTH benefit from.

 

Is it your kind of belief that, in grown-up relationships, the female partner's role is basically to take care of the male partner's sexual and emotional needs and desires? What is the guy's obligation to the woman, as far as emotional, social and sexual? Who's in charge of the kids' mental, emotional and social development?

Edited November 4, 2009 by Ronni_W

[joemax]

I know I'm in charge of my thoughts, but like, when I'm sad, II can't just decide to be happy instead. Maybe you can, maybe I'm not at that stage of emotional content yet, I'm working on it though, and what you say is very interesting. I wish I was this much of control of myself.

 

 

 

Is it your kind of belief that, in grown-up relationships, the female partner's role is basically to take care of the male partner's sexual and emotional needs and desires? What is the guy's obligation to the woman, as far as emotional, social and sexual? Who's in charge of the kids' mental, emotional and social development?

 

Well, no. I believe the woman in the relationship has to not only care for her man's emotional and sexual needs, but to also cook, clean, and make sure he's completely happy with her. How else would a relationship work?

 

 

 

...that was a failed attempt at humor. Not at all Ronni. I always knew that both people in a relationship have to work at making it work. I don't know, maybe somewhere along the way I forgot that. Maybe I got too comfortable. I wasn't like this in my teenage years. I didn't want many women. I wanted one woman and one woman only, I don't know what changed. I know it's normal, cause it is normal for our wants and needs to change at different stages of our lives. But still.

 

You know what? Now that I think of it, I want other girls a bit less now. I don't know. Maybe I am maturing. It's just that the lifestyle of a 'playboy' is very appealing to me. The partying, the not caring, the being happy, the girls, the herpes . I know I'm stupid though, which is why it's almost like an internal struggle with myself.

 

I'm still thinking about whether I should get back together with her or not. She said she does wana give it a try again, but would understand if I chose not to. I'm talking to friends, some are saying go for it, some are saying not to. But at the end of the day, I'm gona make the choise that's gona make me happy. I know that. I just hope I make the right choice. I could always give it another try, and if it doesnt work out, I could always go back to the single lifestyle, no? I mean, I still have time. 21 years old is not that old.