Threesomes In His Past

[wittygirl09]

So here's the deal. In April, I met this guy and we started hanging out. The first time we hung out, we ended up having lunch for 5 hours because we clicked so well and had so much to talk about. We both assumed the other wanted to "just be friends" but within a few hangouts, it was obvious we were dating. This is the first guy I am crazy about and I have had a few serious relationships and dated casually a lot. I've been dating since I was 13! I am 21 now.

 

He is everything I have ever wanted: smart, ambitious, funny, caring, down-to-earth, understanding, etc. I almost feel like he could be the one. The only problem is, when we first started hanging out, I kind of feel like he misrepresented himself. He constantly told me hadn't dated much or "hooked up" with many women. He said he wasn't experienced and didn't get many girls. He came off as very innocent and would constantly tell me how he lost his virginity and started drinking very late in life. I found this VERY attractive. I like that in a guy.

 

Well we've been dating for about 5 months now and in a serious relationship for about 3 months. Things are going well but about two months ago, he told me about his past (to be fair, I asked if he had ever been in a threesome, cheated, etc.) and it's very dark. I don't know if I can handle this.

 

He said he was in a serious relationship for 4 years in college, the girl was very emotionally abusive and controlling and cheated on him a lot. Apparently she wouldn't let him get out of the relationship so he decided it just didn't count and decided to get a second girlfriend. The second girlfriend suggested that they try out two threesomes, a MFM and a MFF and he wanted to "try something new" so he went along with both of them

 

This just sounds so out-of-character of him. I am starting to view him as immoral, a player, dirty, sleazy, anything derogatory really. This all happened about a year ago.

 

I am very sexually conservative and view threesomes as well as cheating as immoral. I am not against other people having threesomes but would personally never have one myself and in the past, I thought I could never date someone who had engaged in them either but now I feel really confused. He said he has had a total of 5 partners in the past which isn't really that high considering that he is 23, almost 24.

 

However, everytime I think about this, I want to cry, my chest tightens up, I want to puke, I can't eat, I can't sleep. It is on my mind 24/7 and I feel like I have lost so much respect for him.

 

He is also very complex. Sometimes he will jokingly say things like "I am sorry for being such a freak and being in threesomes in my past" or once he was really drunk and said "I know how much this bothers you but I hope you get over in time because I really care about you."

 

However, about a month ago, I confronted him and admitted that I was losing sleep over this and that his past really bothered me. Usually he is very understanding and listens and doesn't attack me but he got very aggressive on the phone and got mad because he said I was using his past against him and that if it bothers me that much, I should just dump him. I started asking questions about the threesome and he says he is ashamed of it in some ways because he is Catholic and it is a sin but he also says how he is proud of it because the "nerd in him" actually pulled off every male's fantasy and now he has bragging rights?! He also said that threesomes are something that some people do and some people don't and that he has no problem with them. He said he would never make me have one with him but he doesn't know why he did it in his past or if he could ever see himself doing one in the future.

 

Part of me feels like I am being unfair and judgmental and ruining an amazing relationship and part of me feels like maybe me and him just have different views on sex, relationships and monogamy and it could affect us heavily in the future, plus the fact that it is driving me absolutely insane. I am thinking about this all the time and feel like crying.

 

He says I am the best looking girl, both in looks and body, that he has ever dated and he also says that I am the "best he has ever had" in bed. He also says he likes being with me because I "actually listen", he thinks his family will like me and that he got everything he looks for in a girl (looks, intellect, personality, etc.)

 

I don't know what to do. How can someone that I am falling in love with be okay with the concept of threesomes and having sex with someone while their partner watches? I consider it glorified cheating and disgusting.

 

Help me, I am going crazy.

[allanDR]

I'm sorry, but I just want to scream at you to get over it. He made it clear that his girlfriend was abusive and cheated on him and wouldn't let him get out of the relationship so you have reason to consider him a cheater or that he would do this to you.

 

And ask yourself what you find so immoral about a threesome. Is it that it involves people having sex with each other who aren't in committed relationships and that it's just sex for the sake of sex? That is the only reason that I can understand for you being upset by it, but that's something that you can definitely talk to him about and get over.

 

Just take it easy, I think you're freaking out about something that maybe if you give some more thought to you'll realize isn't worth losing any sleep over.

[wittygirl09]

It's the fact that he was having sex with another girl while his own (second gf) watched and that he could allow another guy to have sex with his own gf while he watched.

 

He was already in a relationship, got a second girlfriend and then went along with the idea of both MFM and MFF threesomes with her. Why did he tell me he thought sex was a very emotional thing and it causes him to get attached if he could do things like this. And when I asked him if he could see himself doing it in the future: he said I don't know. He thinks threesomes are something you share with someone you're in a relationship. But if that's his personal view on them, why was he okay with doing it with his ex and why does he not want one from me? I'm not saying I want one, I just don't understand his reasoning.

[allanDR]

It's a really hard thing to verbalize. He may say he thinks threesomes are something you share with someone you care about, but he might not actually mean it. IMO threesomes are generally with people who you only want to have sex with, nothing more, which sounds like what the case was. Just keep in mind that he probably doesn't want to lose you and it's a touchy subject and he's probably just saying whatever will defuse the situation.

 

But it sounds like it was just experimenting with other people who were also willing. I really hope this doesn't get you down, people do all sorts of crazy **** it, but this is in the past.

 

I don't really know what I'm saying. Except, I would never ever want a threesome with a girl I was seriously in love with. I couldn't take it. So I'd believe him when he says sex is very emotional, but maybe in this one case it was not. I still think it's not something to get totally freaked out about. Maybe talk to him a little more, just don't be aggressive just try to be understanding.

[wittygirl09]

I'm afraid to bring it up now, because every time I do (which has only been twice in a two month time span) he feels like he is being attacked no matter how sensitively I bring it up. And also, I even asked him if he considered the girl, just someone he was casually dating or hooking up with or if she was an emotional girlfriend and he said she was an emotional girlfriend.

 

My biggest fear is that I am a monogamist and he is not.

 

You're right though, his past is a very touchy subject and he is always telling me that whatever happened is all in the past now and he doesn't like talking about it. I think that "his crazy ex" (what he calls her, not me) might have made him do things that were out of character for him at the time? But that being said why did he say "I don't know" when I asked him if he could see himself engaging in them in the future? Maybe he is not over that phase yet.

[SnapCracklePop]

So if he used to smoke pot, but does not anymore, is he still a druggie? I'd guess he also had a few drunk weekends in his past... is he an alcoholic because of that? No - of course not.

 

Don't hold someone's past as who they are today. Its not always the case. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

The threesome thing, for many is an exciting fantasy. He's done it, its no longer a mystery to him. Maybe that is a good thing for a future LTR.

[rstratt2]

I'm with you on this one. The MMF is pretty extreme. Even if he regrets it... eeghh

Still you can't keep beating someone up over their past. Doesn't sound like you can squash it. At 21 your best option is to move on.

[wittygirl09]

He said he doesn't regret it and that's what bothers me a lot.

[Trialbyfire]

wittygirl, you have two separate issues. The first one is that he represented himself as something different than he is. The second is that he got involved in threesomes, which bothers you since it's not part of what you feel are acceptable core values.

 

Both of the above issues would bother me greatly so don't feel alone. Honesty is important to me. This man strikes me as someone who might have some floating values.

[carhill]

OP, assuming you're not a virgin, do you regret the sexual relations you've had with men/boys in your past? If not, that's a healthy perspective. Those experiences are part of who you are. I could ask you why you didn't wait until you're married but I wouldn't feel it appropriate to ask such a question because it might reflect my value system, which has no standing in your life. You are the arbiter of your choices.

 

Thusly, so is your BF. His past choices may not be in agreement with your own code of conduct, but they were his choices and his past. Part of loving him is accepting him as who he is. He, of course, should accept you for who you are. Do you feel that his sexual philosophies in the here and now (not the past) are very different from your own? Why? Has he approached you to perform in a threesome? If so, how did he handle your response?

 

IMO, part of being young is learning about oneself. One experiments; one takes risks; one makes mistakes; one gains life experience.

 

I waited until I was 35 to have sexual relations with a woman. Does that make me good or bad (yes, weird, I know )? Interesting, isn't it. Does that color my opinion of your choices? Or even my wife's choices (which were/are much like your own)? Well, anyway, some food for thought. I wrote the book on Catholic sexual guilt

[imagine]

This guy seems awfully into what he gets out of the deal. He did not validate your concerns in the interaction that you had with him about his past. He justified his actions.

 

He also seems to have you as some cosmetic accessory. Lose him... fast.

[sandrawg]

There's something she said in her post that bothered me the most, and none of the responses have addressed it.

 

He said he was in an abusive relationship and couldn't get out, so he picked up a second girlfriend??

 

To me, that is more immoral than having a threesome.

 

OP, why couldn't he get out of the rel'ship? This is a free country. Unless the girl locked him in a basement or something, he had free will to walk at any time.

 

Does he think cheating on this girl was okay, simply because she was abusive? I'm sorry, but the other party's behavior, no matter how egregious, does not justify cheating. Cheating is always wrong, because he had the freedom to walk away from this girl at any time.

 

I'd be concerned that he'd cheat on me at some point, if I were you. Not to mention, the fact that he misrepresented himself raises a red flag. Dishonesty is something that should not be tolerated, because trust is the most important thing in any rel'ship.

[reservoirdog1]

It sounds to me like you're troubled by two aspects of his past: the cheating, and the threesomes.

 

The cheating part, IMHO, is valid. If a person has cheated in the past, this suggests that they COULD have a broken moral compass, and obviously that could end up affecting your life too. Who knows if what he told you about his GF being emotionally abusive, hence his cheating, is true. It might be, or it could be how he justifies or excuses it to himself.

 

With the threesome, however (and again, I'm treating them as separate issues)...

 

I'm afraid to bring it up now, because every time I do (which has only been twice in a two month time span) he feels like he is being attacked no matter how sensitively I bring it up.

I understand how he feels. I've just come out of a relationship in which one of the issues that led to the breakup was her perception of my sexual past (which didn't involve threesomes, but anyway). I got sick and tired of having to "explain myself" to her, and practically apologize for things that happened in MY past before she and I ever met. Those were MY life choices, and she found some very creative (and annoying) ways of trying to make them seem like they WERE relevant to the present.

 

So, just dealing with the threesomes in his past: you have two choices.

 

1) Get over it, and never mention it to him again.

 

2) Break up with him if you can't do that.

 

There is no way for you bring it up "sensitively" enough that he's not going to feel attacked. Every time you bring it up, you're judging him, whether you want to believe that or not. You think threesomes are immoral? Congratulations. He has a different point of view. Why should he have to change his point of view? His is just as valid as yours.

 

You can go on and on and on and on about how you just want to "understand" -- NO. F*** your supposed need to understand. He doesn't deserve to be cross-examined repeatedly about his pre-you past. Either accept it and shut up about it, or cut him loose.

 

Because I guarantee you... if you keep the relationship going but keep bringing up the past, he's going to dump you eventually.

 

I'm sorry if this is blunt, but you need to decide what's more important: the relationship, or your "need to understand".

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

This gets the same response as all the threads about men who can't get over their girlfriend's pasts--if you can't handle it, don't be with him. He already said he's ashamed of it; what more do you want from him? A time machine so he can go back and change it?

 

Every event in our past is part of who we are now.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Every time you bring up the threesomes, he is hearing you say that you think HE is disgusting and immoral, not simply the act itself. If you continue with this line of questioning, he will most likely end this relationship. I have participated in threesomes in the past. Most guys think it is pretty *hot* but some do not. I respect their opinions, and if they want to be with a girl who has been a little less sexually adventurous, then that is fine. However, I will not stay and continue to listen to their judgement. I also will not "explain" myself. My choices are my choices, my life. I do not need to apologize for past behavior.

 

So, like others have said, you need to accept it or let it go.

 

I think the guy is not being completely honest about his last gf, though. She was abusive so he had to stay. She was abusive so....he wants to have a threesome with her? Ummm, ok.

 

If your main concern is whether or not he will remain faithful to you, then that is the conversation you need to have. Does he see himself with you long term? Does he tell you that he will be faithful to you? Do you trust him, or suspect that he's lying? What is he doing CURRENTLY that makes you not trust him? Anything, or is it all the past?

[norajane]

There's something she said in her post that bothered me the most, and none of the responses have addressed it.

 

He said he was in an abusive relationship and couldn't get out, so he picked up a second girlfriend??

 

To me, that is more immoral than having a threesome.

 

OP, why couldn't he get out of the rel'ship? This is a free country. Unless the girl locked him in a basement or something, he had free will to walk at any time.

 

Does he think cheating on this girl was okay, simply because she was abusive? I'm sorry, but the other party's behavior, no matter how egregious, does not justify cheating. Cheating is always wrong, because he had the freedom to walk away from this girl at any time.

 

I'd be concerned that he'd cheat on me at some point, if I were you. Not to mention, the fact that he misrepresented himself raises a red flag. Dishonesty is something that should not be tolerated, because trust is the most important thing in any rel'ship.

 

Bingo. This is far more worrisome, in my opinion, than experimenting with threesomes in college.

 

Dude doesn't have enough of a spine to get out of a bad relationship, so he cheats? That's a sign of a guy who has very little strength of character to make good choices for his life. Yuck. Wimpy wimpy lying cheater.

[allanDR]

Bingo. This is far more worrisome, in my opinion, than experimenting with threesomes in college.

 

Dude doesn't have enough of a spine to get out of a bad relationship, so he cheats? That's a sign of a guy who has very little strength of character to make good choices for his life. Yuck. Wimpy wimpy lying cheater.

 

very true. maybe he's changed... but who knows

[Trialbyfire]

People rarely change that much that they're able to amend core values. When it hits the fan, more often than not, people revert to historical patterns of behaviour.

[carhill]

TBF, it's possible the OP's BF has rebelled against his core moral setpoint as a test of its value to him. He's finding himself. Weak? Perhaps. Misguided? Who knows what influences he's entertained as valuable. Should he ponder all these issues and work through them on the OP's watch? That's up to her to decide. She did mention a number of positive attributes she admires in him, attributes which could conflict with his revelations. Does his past rule him? Only time will tell

[Trialbyfire]

No doubt the OP will need to weigh the good with the bad. From what she's stated, especially her own near physical response towards his flexible core values, it sounds to me like one side outweighs the other. No one can remain in a relationship where they find their SO morally revolting. It can only damage.

[Rooster_DAR]

He said he doesn't regret it and that's what bothers me a lot.

 

Well, it's going to come down to your moral dilemma. Are you going to look past it? of are you going to hold it against him now/later? You are very young, so your outlook on his behavior is naturally going to be suspect.

 

When you get older, you will learn that you lose many of the inhibitions and it's not such a big deal after all. Then again, if you come from a very religious background, you may always view this as a forbidden area.

 

I say approach with caution for now though, if he's a sex addict or something crazy like that. you might run into problems later.

 

Good luck,

[nopainnogain]

He said he doesn't regret it and that's what bothers me a lot.

 

what guy would:confused:

[AAlike]

wittygirl -

 

I have been in your exact situation to a tee. pm me if you want and I think that I can help.

[wittygirl09]

AAlike--

 

I am not an established member yet. Is there any way I can contact you via aim or email? I would greatly appreciate it and would never share your info with anyone. Unless you know any alternatives?

[wittygirl09]

So I am getting weirded out. Today he admitted that he would not consider it cheating if I was to make out or hook up with a girl. He said he would not place restrictions on that. Maybe we really do have different views on relationships, monogamy etc. I could never be intimate with anyone but him and would be crushed if I found out he hooked up with someone from either gender.

 

When I asked him why it would be okay for me to hook up with a girl and not a guy, he said "Sorry... I don't know. Maybe I am just a perv."