Threesomes In His Past

[wittygirl09]

I am starting to think this is more of a moral issue for me than retroactive jealousy but maybe I am just trying to rationalize a solution that isn't there and that's the closest thing I have got thus far.

[AAlike]

I am starting to think this is more of a moral issue for me than retroactive jealousy but maybe I am just trying to rationalize a solution that isn't there and that's the closest thing I have got thus far.

 

that's pretty simple to figure out.

 

If I had asked you a year ago "do you find the concept of a threesome to be repulsive or immoral" what would you have said? If you would have said yes, then it's morals. if you would have said no, it's not. I have been going under the assumption that you would have said no.

[wittygirl09]

On an individual level: yes, I do find threesomes to be immoral and repulsive but I would be outraged if a religious institution or the government wanted to intervene and take away the right for people to choose between engaging in them or not because it's a personal choice on where they draw that "moral" line.

 

I don't believe in universal morality (just look at different time periods, religions, history and varying cultures), however, I would be lying if I said I didn't have my own personal set of them that I hold myself to.

 

So unfortunately, I am trying to figure out how this all applies in the grand scheme of things to my relationship right now.

[XNemesisX]

so you saw this before you started dating him, and then entered a relationship with him, and are now jealous over it??

 

Yep pretty much

 

I don't start feeling jealous until I start getting serious feelings for someone. So at first we were just hanging out and so it didn't bother me because I hadn't really developed feelings for him yet. I didn't really expect to become this crazy about him...and now that I definitely have major feelings for him, the jealousy has unfortunately kicked in.

[XNemesisX]

On an individual level: yes, I do find threesomes to be immoral and repulsive but I would be outraged if a religious institution or the government wanted to intervene and take away the right for people to choose between engaging in them or not because it's a personal choice on where they draw that "moral" line.

 

I don't believe in universal morality (just look at different time periods, religions, history and varying cultures), however, I would be lying if I said I didn't have my own personal set of them that I hold myself to.

 

So unfortunately, I am trying to figure out how this all applies in the grand scheme of things to my relationship right now.

 

So were you a virgin before you met him? Are you opposed to premarital sex or just threesomes? It sounds like your "moral" issue is with threesomes, not 2person casual sex which really doesn't make sense because if you are opposed for moral reasons then would you not also be opposed to casual sex that means nothing between 2 people instead of 3? What about other "taboo" sex acts like anal sex? What if he has done that too? Does the thought of him being intimate with one other person and not two also bother you...do you find yourself feeling a bit sick about that too? Or do you find yourself focusing exclusively on the threesomes? Sorry for all the questions. In the situation with my ex, I focused almost entirely on the threesomes but then I would have phases where I focused on him having sex with people that I knew he really cared about and the sick feelings may have been even worse when I dwelled on that instead.

 

I find threesomes to be gross as well but I wouldn't think any less of a person for doing it unless I was in a relationship with the person. After reading your thread, I mentioned this topic to my current SO and got a little worried because he had very little to say on this topic. I'm hoping he's got enough sense not to tell me if he has done this though.

[AAlike]

On an individual level: yes, I do find threesomes to be immoral and repulsive but I would be outraged if a religious institution or the government wanted to intervene and take away the right for people to choose between engaging in them or not because it's a personal choice on where they draw that "moral" line.

 

I don't believe in universal morality (just look at different time periods, religions, history and varying cultures), however, I would be lying if I said I didn't have my own personal set of them that I hold myself to.

 

So unfortunately, I am trying to figure out how this all applies in the grand scheme of things to my relationship right now.

 

hahaha very nice dodge. no offense, but I think you're starting to let your emotions turn you into a bit of a hypocrite. again, I know this because I did the same.

[XNemesisX]

hahaha very nice dodge. no offense, but I think you're starting to let your emotions turn you into a bit of a hypocrite. again, I know this because I did the same.

 

 

I have to agree.

[AAlike]

Yep pretty much

 

I don't start feeling jealous until I start getting serious feelings for someone. So at first we were just hanging out and so it didn't bother me because I hadn't really developed feelings for him yet. I didn't really expect to become this crazy about him...and now that I definitely have major feelings for him, the jealousy has unfortunately kicked in.

 

wow, this is like the best example of the irrationality of RJ that I've ever seen. you are the RJ poster child!

 

lol - in all seriousness though, this is a great illustration of how logic really doesn't factor in when this stuff kicks in.

[wittygirl09]

We used to talk on the phone every night over the summer since he was working fulltime and I was working part-time. We never saw each other though since I was back home for the summer. Now that I started senior year of undergrad and he started law school, we are both extremely busy so we only talk 5-10 minutes online (if that) but on the flipside we see each other once or twice a week. It is driving me crazy. The longer we go without talking, the more digusted and angry I get with him but the second I see him and he wraps his arms around me, everything just melts away and I realize how stupid I am being.

 

However, it bothers me that he has said he has no fantasies with me since they have already been done in his past, it bothers me that he said he is "past that phase" where he has a crazy sex drive (because I am jut entering it I think), and it drive me nuts that I almost always initiate sex or want sex more than he does but he turns it down because he is too tired, etc.

 

I irrationally think to myself "Let's get this straight.. I am the hottest girl and the best sex you have ever had but you're going to shoot me down because you're too tired? Yet you can pull off threesomes with two girls only a year ago, even though you claim sex has been unfulfilling in the past?"

 

I am so confused.

 

I signed up for university counseling. I don't know what to do anymore.

[AAlike]

I can really relate to the OP.

 

My ex had a MMF threesome before me and it made me feel so repulsed, sad, angry, and helpless. Unfortunately, the awful emotions never went away and eventually it played a role in the demise of the relationship.

 

In fact, I would say that retroactive jealousy issues are on my mind more often than not. It is so bad that I often question whether the benefits of a relationship outweigh the cons - which is mostly comprised of retroactive jealousy (for me anyway). I can't believe there are so many other people with this problem too.

 

so nemesis, would you say that had you NOT had the retro issues in your relationships that one or even more than one of them could have been "the one"? as bad as I know RJ can be, I can't imagine throwing an otherwise perfect relationship away for it.

 

PS - having a threesome with a first cousin is not cool with me by any stretch of the imagination...that wouldn't cause RJ with me, that would cause logical and absolute negative judgement.

[carhill]

I signed up for university counseling. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I hope it helps

 

During that process, I'd suggest a break from LS. I wish you well

[AAlike]

I hope it helps

 

During that process, I'd suggest a break from LS. I wish you well

 

yeah, I agree with this. I think that it's causing an obsessive loop.

[wittygirl09]

Actually it is. The more I check up on LS, the more it fuels my anger as weird as that sounds.

[AAlike]

Actually it is. The more I check up on LS, the more it fuels my anger as weird as that sounds.

 

right...like I said, this is affecting you emotionally. therefore it's going to need time to heal just like any other emotional gutpunch. going in circles here is only impeding that process. you've gotten advice and perspective from all angles at this point.

 

I don't know what the right decision is for you...but I do know that once your emotions stabilize and your head comes back to earth, it will become clear and you'll wonder why it wasn't so simple in the first place. in the meantime, all you can do is try and harness your thoughts away from the obsession. you seem to be able to do this when you're with him...when you're not with him, just try and occupy your mind any other way.

[XNemesisX]

so nemesis, would you say that had you NOT had the retro issues in your relationships that one or even more than one of them could have been "the one"? as bad as I know RJ can be, I can't imagine throwing an otherwise perfect relationship away for it.

 

PS - having a threesome with a first cousin is not cool with me by any stretch of the imagination...that wouldn't cause RJ with me, that would cause logical and absolute negative judgement.

 

I think that the second one could have been "the one" but RJ issues destroyed both of us. Not saying there weren't other problems...but I think even the cheating and everything else was somehow correlated to the extreme RJ. He may have actually been a little bit worse with it than I was. We fought almost constantly over it. Even got into physical altercations over it.

 

Yeah...I think the threesome with a 1st cousin is just CREEPY. He told me that he didn't see anything wrong with it because they "didn't touch each other." He said he was doing his girlfriend from behind while she was giving his cousin oral sex. I don't care if they touched each other or not, I was beyond disgusted. I definitely was never able to let it go.

[XNemesisX]

wow, this is like the best example of the irrationality of RJ that I've ever seen. you are the RJ poster child!

 

lol - in all seriousness though, this is a great illustration of how logic really doesn't factor in when this stuff kicks in.

 

 

Very true!

[AAlike]

I think that the second one could have been "the one" but RJ issues destroyed both of us. Not saying there weren't other problems...but I think even the cheating and everything else was somehow correlated to the extreme RJ. He may have actually been a little bit worse with it than I was. We fought almost constantly over it. Even got into physical altercations over it.

 

very interesting. do you think that there's any chance of revisiting the relationship if you ever WERE able to get over your RJ problems/tendencies?

 

Yeah...I think the threesome with a 1st cousin is just CREEPY. He told me that he didn't see anything wrong with it because they "didn't touch each other." He said he was doing his girlfriend from behind while she was giving his cousin oral sex. I don't care if they touched each other or not, I was beyond disgusted. I definitely was never able to let it go.

 

OHHHHHHHHHHH - I had a dyslexic moment and read it as FMF - therefore I thought that he had screwed his cousin!!! I was wondering why no one else had commented on it - hahahaha!! it's still fairly weird and would still bother me too, but not NEARLY as bad as I had thought. I was gonna say, you're not jealous, you're just sane!!

[XNemesisX]

very interesting. do you think that there's any chance of revisiting the relationship if you ever WERE able to get over your RJ problems/tendencies?

 

OHHHHHHHHHHH - I had a dyslexic moment and read it as FMF - therefore I thought that he had screwed his cousin!!! I was wondering why no one else had commented on it - hahahaha!! it's still fairly weird and would still bother me too, but not NEARLY as bad as I had thought. I was gonna say, you're not jealous, you're just sane!!

 

Nope....he is married now. Although we did talk for a period of time and saw each other and his being married didn't seem to phase him much. I think the damage was too deeply rooted and we saw fairly quickly that it was completely irreparable, even if he was to get a divorce. His RJ problems were still there in full force and having both partners with extreme cases of RJ is probably not a very good mix! We would have probably ended up killing one another had we stayed together or decided to get back together!

 

hahaha yeah the cousin thing weirded me out completely. If it had been a female 1st cousin he had a threesome with I would have RAN not walked in the other direction. Even though I think it's bad enough he engaged in a sex act like that with a FAMILY MEMBER - it's still not quite as bad as what you thought I said at first

[You'reasian]

I think that the second one could have been "the one" but RJ issues destroyed both of us. Not saying there weren't other problems...but I think even the cheating and everything else was somehow correlated to the extreme RJ. He may have actually been a little bit worse with it than I was. We fought almost constantly over it. Even got into physical altercations over it.

 

Yeah...I think the threesome with a 1st cousin is just CREEPY. He told me that he didn't see anything wrong with it because they "didn't touch each other." He said he was doing his girlfriend from behind while she was giving his cousin oral sex. I don't care if they touched each other or not, I was beyond disgusted. I definitely was never able to let it go.

 

That's f-in disgusting.

[wittygirl09]

I started counseling today. My fingers are crossed but I can't help but keep thinking "Can't turn a ho into a housewife." Archaic, I know but I am "one of the guys" so I've perhaps been socially conditioned to have that same view.

[AAlike]

I started counseling today. My fingers are crossed but I can't help but keep thinking "Can't turn a ho into a housewife." Archaic, I know but I am "one of the guys" so I've perhaps been socially conditioned to have that same view.

 

If there's one thing that this thread has proven, it's that you are NOT "one of the guys" - lol.

 

in any event, good luck and hopefully you make the right decision.

[soconfused01]

Just a random question:

 

For anyone who has ever been in my position or currently still is: what bothered you so much specifically about your SO having participated in threesomes in their past? Did the type of threesome specifically bother you (MFM or MFF?) Was it values? Loss of respect? Disgust with the act? The mental image of them doing it?

 

Just curious.

 

SO many things haha

 

what bothers me about my very similar situation is 1) the girls that were involved (MFFF- yes that's three Fs)- They are shallow and not nice people and I KNOW them. It had always made me feel special that my boyfriend liked my personality and non-shallowness and I felt that it obviously didn't matter very much to him if he could screw girls who are so unlike me. Almost if my 'reward' for being who I am was his attraction, but these girls got the 'reward' of his attraction as well

 

2) the time period it happened was shortly before we got together. My bf is 31 years old (I am 22) and I felt that it wouldn't have bothered me as much if he had done this when he was in his 20s, and it seemed to point to a serious lack of maturity.

 

3) he has compared me to his past so that just added onto already exisiting sexual insecurities

 

4) he gave me an std that he got from the encounter (see it could be worse! haha)

 

5) one of the girls was in a relationship with one of my friends at the time. So that my boyfriend hurt my friend by sleeping with his girlfriend really made me lose respect

 

6) of course picturing it

 

7) I think some of it has to do with gender issues too. I have female friends that have had multiple partner encounters and it never crosses my mind that they are 'using' the other people involved but somehow my bf seems to be a kind of sexual predator to me now, just because he's a man that used women as sexual objects. Again it's a lack of respect for women, but of course they all used each other the same.

 

good luck with your counseling, mine has helped a lot. You can PM me if you want, since our situations/values/ages seem to be similar

[XNemesisX]

SO many things haha

 

what bothers me about my very similar situation is 1) the girls that were involved (MFFF- yes that's three Fs)- They are shallow and not nice people and I KNOW them. It had always made me feel special that my boyfriend liked my personality and non-shallowness and I felt that it obviously didn't matter very much to him if he could screw girls who are so unlike me. Almost if my 'reward' for being who I am was his attraction, but these girls got the 'reward' of his attraction as well

 

2) the time period it happened was shortly before we got together. My bf is 31 years old (I am 22) and I felt that it wouldn't have bothered me as much if he had done this when he was in his 20s, and it seemed to point to a serious lack of maturity.

 

3) he has compared me to his past so that just added onto already exisiting sexual insecurities

 

4) he gave me an std that he got from the encounter (see it could be worse! haha)

 

5) one of the girls was in a relationship with one of my friends at the time. So that my boyfriend hurt my friend by sleeping with his girlfriend really made me lose respect

 

6) of course picturing it

 

7) I think some of it has to do with gender issues too. I have female friends that have had multiple partner encounters and it never crosses my mind that they are 'using' the other people involved but somehow my bf seems to be a kind of sexual predator to me now, just because he's a man that used women as sexual objects. Again it's a lack of respect for women, but of course they all used each other the same.

 

good luck with your counseling, mine has helped a lot. You can PM me if you want, since our situations/values/ages seem to be similar

 

Ouch.

 

How did you find out about this? Did he volunteer this information?

[soconfused01]

a friend told me about a year in

[AAlike]

a friend told me about a year in

 

whoa - you didn't find out by GETTING the STD?!?!?