Am I being selfish??

[Dragonfly]

Is it wrong to want to be in a relationship where the person needs to be with you, as much as you need to be with them?

 

My ideal relationship would allow for each partner to have free time for themself, time with their friends, space in general.. I'm known for saying that a perfect marriage would be one where I have my house, and he has his! But when I am involved with someone, and we each have free time, I want to be with them. Is this something that doesn't settle well with men??

 

For instance, my guy now works odd hours. But he will have a Saturday evening free, and I'll want to see him, since it may have been a week since we last saw each other. Knowing that Sunday he is off, but it's his "friends" day, I want to get in time with him when I can. He often is tired, since it's the end of his work week, and he often isn't sure he wants to spend time with us (myself and his children) because of that. Other times he will have a free night, and I work early the next morning, but I am willing to sacrifice some sleep to stay up and talk with him, play video games, watch a movie.....whatever it takes to spend time together.

 

We often have problems spending time together because of his schedule, and at times I feel neglected. I try to understand his side of it, but it seems like I am more willing to spend time with him than he is with me. Even phone calls seem to be made more often by me than him.

 

I feel I am being selfish, but I want to have someone crave me, as much as I crave them! Again, I am not clingy, as I need my own space. I'm not really looking for advice on the relationship, just wondering if anyone else feels this need in their relationships, or if I am just being too idealistic??

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Is it wrong to want to be in a relationship where the person needs to be with you, as much as you need to be with them?"

 

I don't think it's wrong but I don't think it's possible in many cases. First, there's no standard of measurement for need. Secondly, there is usually one partner who seems to care just a bit more than the other.

 

I don't like the word "need." I would prefer a relationship where both people have the desire to be with each other pretty much equally.

 

Marriage and other relationships are crafted by man to meet specific needs. I think if you find the right person with the right level of open-mindedness and understanding, you can craft a method of relating that will be suitable to both of you...and you don't need to be constantly together.

 

The way you relate also has a lot to do with the partners' ages and the age of the relationship. If a couple is having children, it is probably best for the two to be together to share the process of parenthood and to raise the children to feel safe and secure with two parents. If the partners are older, whatever works for both sounds great to me.

 

It's really wonderful when both people have an equal desire for each other at any time...but I think that level is always subject to fluctuation. Mature people can make adjustments. Immature people are baffled and tend to panic.

 

I like fantasies and I hope one day to meet someone who shares my fantasy of what a relationship ought to be. Maybe that's what makes the really great ones work so well.