Im hooked on a married man

[interceptor]

I know most people will probably ridicule me and tell me how easy it is to let this go but its not. Two and a half years ago I was in a terrible relationship. I was financially tied to another man and couldnt really get out of the situation right away. We both knew things werent going well by any means. I end up meeting this guy, who is married and I have been seeing for two and a half years, and unwantingly we end up falling for each other. I am 22 years old and he is almost 34.

 

I have analyzed the rebound thing and looking to him for a void that I am filling in my past relaitionships but its not that. I am truely happy and in love. We took it slow in the beginning. He is unhappy and is only at home for his two little girls. We have our future very well planned down to what our kids names are. He walked out in the beginning of the year and couldnt handle the pain of not being in his kids life and I told him I would support him and let him go back and gain the closure that he said he needed. He wanted to make sure he wasnt making a mistake and I wanted that as well. I am not here to break up his family by any means.

 

So for the past 6 months we have been trying to get pregnant. He comes over everynight after work and spends time with me and does all he can to be with me. Its very frustrating at times and I try to be patient. Now the big killer is he left again last week and says he wants to be with me and wants our life but yet still cant handle the feeling of abandoning his kids and wants to seek more counseling with his wife. On top of all this he begs to keep tryn for our baby. I am really stuck on whats best. I know shame on him for going back the first time as far as I am concerned but shame on me for the second if I decide to stay. My dreams and passions are so tied in him but I dont know if he will ever leave and start our relationship. He says even if he goes back he still wants us and will continue to do what he has done. He doesnt want any intimacy with his wife just wants to be there for his kids. I know he will need to leave for him. Please help and dont tell me how stupid you think I am, I know what I am doing is not right to his family by any means but I cant help who I deeply fall in love with.

 

Thank you

[Lizzie60]

Hum... this is complicated.. he wants to remain in his M for his little girls.. which is quiet understandable... but wants a child with you...

 

I have to say that he IS strange.. does his W knows about this, about you? If not, she will eventually, once you get a child.

 

Maybe she is just there for the kids too... it can take a while... years.. are you ready to wait that long? and what if he eventually leaves you for another woman... then what? I know .. you'll have your child to look after and to move on for.

 

What is strange to me.. is the fact that, on one hand, he doesn't want to leave HIS kids.. and on the other hand wants YOU to have a child... and since he spends a lot of time with you, he is ready to 'sacrifice' your child.. this is odd..

[EnigmasMuse]

I'm going to tell you what I see with what you have posted. It might come across as harsh, and I'm sorry for that but it all sounds pretty selfish on both your parts. To me, it looks like he might be a cake eater. I'm not saying he doesn't care for you in his on way, BUT he is bascially getting the best of both worlds as he sees it. I'm sure you don't seee it like that, as you are blinded by love. But he knows exactly what he is doing,

 

I understand him not wanting to leave for the kids sake, but if he was truly that unhappy and wanted out that bad, he would find a way to work that out. You getting pregnant at this point just doesn't sound logical. He is still home with his wife and kids.

 

What are you going to do, when you do get pregnant and months/years have gone by and he is still at home, married to his wife and family, with you on the side still being his little secret? You are young, and should be out having fun, planning your future for a good job and other things, not entangled with a married man who more than likely wont leave his family.

 

My question to you is, what will you do, when down the road after time has passed, he is still feeding you the same lines about why he has not left?

[Lizzie60]

Interceptor...

 

Here's a thought.. (I know you can take or refuse any advices and do what you want to do but..)

 

why don't you wait another year or two.. you are still very young for the responsibility of a child..

 

The most important factor here is the child.. why don't wait and see what will happen.

 

I doubt very much that you have a future with this man.. this is just a 'guess' cause I don't know your story.

 

But I was an OW from age 15 to 24, it is a loooooong time for pain and frustrations... if I had to do it again.. I would definitely have moved on... without him.

 

He was/is a spineless man.. who waited for his W to kick him out... he would probably still be there... eventhough I know he loved me.

 

We spent 18 years together, once she kicked him out... then I left him .. I should have done that right away... I can't say, in my case, that it ruined my life.. and I have nooo idea what my life would have been the other way.

 

Each case is different.. but you are waaay too young for a child NOW... please wait.

[JackJack]

You're hooked on a married man...... How "hooked" is he on you?..... Enough to get divorced from a life he says he is unhappy with? Doesn't look that way.

 

You're 22 years old.... He is having fun. What are some things you both have in common together other than discussing him getting you pregnant, while he is still married with kids at home?

 

"My dreams and passions are so tied to him." This is not good, it sounds like you're pretty much dependent on him to make you happy.... It will only get worse in all aspects unless you can be the bigger person here and break things off.... I doubt he will be the one to break it off, why should he, look at what he has created for himself. He knows what is is doing.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

If the guy is 34, married, and has two little girls, leaving all of that for a 22 year old is a huge gamble. You are more or less a liability being so young.

 

Who knows what his life would be like with you. Would it be stable?

 

Maybe he is trying to get you pregnant so that you stick with him and not start dating other guys.

 

That's probably his concern, that you'll dump him.

 

Seems like he is happy having more than one woman. Many men are like that, and in other countries that is perfectly normal.

 

Good luck though.

[norajane]

Now the big killer is he left again last week and says he wants to be with me and wants our life but yet still cant handle the feeling of abandoning his kids and wants to seek more counseling with his wife. On top of all this he begs to keep tryn for our baby. I am really stuck on whats best. I know shame on him for going back the first time as far as I am concerned but shame on me for the second if I decide to stay. My dreams and passions are so tied in him but I dont know if he will ever leave and start our relationship. He says even if he goes back he still wants us and will continue to do what he has done. He doesnt want any intimacy with his wife just wants to be there for his kids. I know he will need to leave for him. Please help and dont tell me how stupid you think I am, I know what I am doing is not right to his family by any means but I cant help who I deeply fall in love with.

 

I can tell you for sure that what is best for a baby is to NOT have a baby while both of your are in this mess. Babies aren't something you have out of a selfish desire to have a baby. Babies aren't about what you want. Babies are about giving them what they need.

 

Once you have a baby, your life is all about raising that child and making sure to give it the best you can. And right now, neither of you are in any place to do such a thing - you're so young you've barely begun your adult life and he's so messed up that he's not even making any sense.

 

If his big issue is not wanting to leave his children, will it not be the worst thing for him to have children with two separate mothers in two separate households? He can't be in two places at once, so all of his children will suffer as will he.

 

Stay with him or not, but do not bring another child into this mess.

[blair08]

I'm not sure how much of him wanting to stay for the kids is because he truly cares about their well being or if its more along the lines, of if he leaves he will get hit with paying child support.

 

You would think at 34 he might be a little more mature than what he is, but guess not. For him to want to try to have a child with you while married with kids of his own. I wonder what he thinks having another child with another women will solve? I hope he has lot of dough to cover child support for his other two kids and then if he has one with you. I mean, who knows, he could end up doing to you, what he is doing to his wife.

[interceptor]

I completely see all of your replys so far. I do see that maybe he wants his cake and eat it to. I am young, but far ahead of my age. I graduated college at 18, I have an awesome job as a full time nanny so I understand what responsibilites are. He has even said he wishes she would file so he doesnt have the burden of taking his daddy position out of the home. He has done much planning to get out so I really dont know what to think. He has a retainer paid for a lawyer and everything. He said he is willing to let me go so I can be happy and he doesnt want to hold me back. I have been fed plenty of lines in my life and if he is hes damn good at it. Its such a sick feeling having all of this on my plate and having so much to gain if I leave but maybe more to lose if I dont stay. I dont want him to get the picture that he can come and go and I will take him back but I love what we have. Its complete passion for one another and there is no bs. The intimacy is by far incredible but I know doesnt make a relationship. ......

[blair08]

"He has a retainer paid for a lawyer and everything."

 

Have you seen this? Or is this something he only told you?

 

"He has even said he wishes she would file."

 

I'm sure he doesn't want to be the one who looks bad for breaking up his home huh? Maybe she should file, might do herself and kids a favor.

 

"He has done much planning to get out."

 

What other things has he done besides the retainer thing?

[LucreziaBorgia]

You are setting yourself up for an unhappiness like none you have ever known. What is sad, is that you are trying to drag innocent children into that mess with you. His, and your potential own.

 

Do you think that having a baby with him is going to magically cancel out the love, affection and bonds he has already established with his existing children? That he will somehow be so overjoyed about a stranger of an infant, that he would abandon the children he has raised himself and grown to love more every day? That he would actually want to move away from his own children in favor of a young woman and an infant that he doesn't even really know outside of an affair? That getting pregnant will snap off the marital bonds in an instant? Compared to his wife and children, you and your potential children are strangers. He is no more likely to leave for you when you are pregnant than he is to leave for you now.

 

In fact, you may find that instead of being happy the reality of what you two are doing is going to hit hard and he will simply walk away and leave you and your child. He is not going to be able to face what people will think about him abandoning his family for some pregnant young girl. He simply will not want to fall from grace like that. His 'trying for a baby' with you is just part of the fantasy. You want to see his real feelings about it? Show him a positive pregnancy test, and tell him that your next call will be to his wife, and that the time has come to sit his girls down and let them know. I can guarantee you his reaction will be his real feelings on the matter.

 

What is best? Think with your head, not your heart. Your 'happiness' in the situation is entirely dependent on tearing apart the lives of you, him, his wife, their children, their extended families, and your own children.

 

Is it really worth it?

 

Sometimes love isn't enough. You are young, and completely capable of finding the love you want without having to destroy everyone around you to get it. Let the MM alone. He has his own destruction to deal with. There is no reason for you to help him with that.

 

He said he is willing to let me go so I can be happy and he doesnt want to hold me back.

 

When a man says this, believe him. Its an exit line. A weak one, but one all the same.

[Ronni_W]

norajane is spot-on!

To me, the biggest red flag is his apparent utter devotion to his kids, yet he has no compunction about "begging" for you to become pregnant -- is he planning on NOT getting (too) emotionally attached to YOUR child? Or is he using the kids he has with his wife as an excuse to not 100% commit to you?

 

Once you are the mother of his child...well, it can just be putting yourself in a position to be far too easily manipulated and controlled if/when he decides that can or will further his own needs and wants -- not necessarily that he currently has those tendencies, but who knows what might happen in the future to facilitate changes in both his (and your) desires and goals?

[interceptor]

As far as proof of getting ready to leave, I saw his lawyer paper work. I did all his photo copying of pay stubs and all legal documentation for the lawyer. I really think he cares about his kids and is a good father but is immature and selfish with what he is doing. I understand about what every says about bringing a baby in the picture. I have thought long and hard about it. It makes it more difficult since he keeps going back.... past the baby I am most concerned about my relationship as well but at the same time he is not getting younger so I wish I could have that definate answer as to what his intention is and what he is going to do not what he plans on doing.

[JackJack]

As far as proof of getting ready to leave, I saw his lawyer paper work. I did all his photo copying of pay stubs and all legal documentation for the lawyer. I really think he cares about his kids and is a good father but is immature and selfish with what he is doing. I understand about what every says about bringing a baby in the picture. I have thought long and hard about it. It makes it more difficult since he keeps going back.... past the baby I am most concerned about my relationship as well but at the same time he is not getting younger so I wish I could have that definate answer as to what his intention is and what he is going to do not what he plans on doing.

 

Don't worry about what it is he is going to do or not do. Take back control of your life. YOU decide what YOU are going to do. If you wait on him, you might be waiting awhile and you need to be out here dating someone whose not married, and can give you all their attention and focus on a realtionship, withough having to worry about if he is going to leave another family or not. Don't put your life on hold, he is not putting his life on hold for you. He is going on with his life with his family and you on the side. You will always play second fiddle to his family, do you really want that?

[norajane]

I wish I could have that definate answer as to what his intention is and what he is going to do not what he plans on doing.

 

Then you must leave him.

 

He will then have to decide whether he wants his marriage, or he wants you.

 

You will then have some space away from him to decide whether you want to wait around until he decides, or whether you want to live your life based on your own choices and desires. You should not be pinning your happiness on whether his marriage lives or dies.

 

The longer you hang around giving him what he wants, the easier it is for him to NEVER make a decision. As long as you accept him going back and forth, he can continue to do that. If things are really bad with his wife, you are probably even enabling him to stay with her for LONGER since he has you on the side to make things bearable. Family at home, sex and companionship with you...he doesn't NEED to change anything. He can have both because you let him.

[PandorasBox]

End this now before things become worse. Nothing good can come of this.

 

You're young and have plenty of time to get into a serious relationship with someone who isn't married and have a child. Right now, go date and enjoy life. You don't need to be worried with a married man and having his kid.

[beautifullove]

to help you let go. If I had discovered LS before I decided to date my separated MM, I would not have even considered it. The way I feel now, not only would I never date a separated MM ever again, I would not date a divorced man either, because there is always that chance they will go back. Now, even though I'm going through the D process, I know for sure I will never go back to my H.

[GPFan]

So for the past 6 months we have been trying to get pregnant.

It may help you to read the threads of another poster who has two children from a married man. Here is a link: mistresswchildren.

 

 

 

Please help and dont tell me how stupid you think I am, I know what I am doing is not right to his family by any means but I cant help who I deeply fall in love with.

This is a fallacy as you choose who you fall in love with, it doesn't just happen. Ever. It is more accurate to state that you have subconscious motivations for pursuing a relationship like this which you don't understand. It could be childhood trauma, for example, but you won't know until you engage in a bit of introspection.

 

 

 

He said he is willing to let me go so I can be happy and he doesnt want to hold me back.

Whenever a man says this take him at his word.

[whichwayisup]

IS this the type of man you can bring home to meet your family and friends one day? Remember, this man is a LIAR, a CHEATER and a BETRAYER. If he can lie to his wife, the woman he said vows to infront of family and friends, the woman, his wife who gave birth to HIS two daughters - Then he can lie to you, manipuate you and betray you as well.

 

Don't have a kid with him! He's married and has two kids already!

 

Are you prepared to be step-mom one day to his two daughters? To have to deal with his ex-wife forever? Because if he DOES leave her for you, SHE WILL be a part of your lives forever. Keep that in mind.

 

Also, this guy is going about this ALL wrong, if he truely loved you he would just divorce and do it quickly so his wife could heal, have a fair custody arrangement. He hasn't done that, yet he makes you promises that he more than likely won't ever keep. It's called living in affairyland...Wishful and hopeful thinking.

Whenever a man says this take him at his word.

 

This is true. If you want a normal life, with someone who can love ONLY you - Then end it and heal, so you can find that special guy who doesn't have a wife and kids already. You're settling for another woman's table scraps, alot of baggage.