Friend is going to marry the wrong guy!

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I was in a similar situation 6 years ago.

 

My best friend got engaged to her bf of 8 months when we were 18. She asked me to be the maid of honor, so I definitely felt conflicted because i did not think this guy was good for her.

 

Throughout the 10 month engagement, she would call me crying often because of a fight they got into. He was extremely possessive and jealous. She hardly ever did anything outside of school and work without him. Straight out of her parents house she moved into an apartment with him, so she had never had a chance to be on her own. This guy was manipulative and controlling. When they would fight, he would say horrible things he knew would hurt her...thats when she'd call me. He had a temper problem too...he punched a couple holes in the walls of the apartment they shared and he even shoved her against a wall ...only once that I am aware, but still!!!

 

Anyway, they got married even with my subtle protests. I never pushed my opinions on her, but she knew what i thought and how I felt about him. I was always there for her when she needed me but I also gently told her that I thought she deserved better and that I thought she was making a mistake marrying someone like him.

 

They got married when we were all 19. And today, at 23, they are happily expecting their first child! They went through some tough times. There was even an affair on her part, but they have both changed tremendously, as most people do during their early twenties. He has relaxed and is no longer the possessive, controlling, ********* he was 6 years ago. He really did grow up alot, as did she. Now that I look at their relationship, it's not anywhere near as bad as I was expecting their marriage to be. Well, not now anyway.

 

All in all, I'm glad she's happy. I still think they should have waited longer till they both grew up a lil, but its worked out so far. AND...the most important part...I still have my best friend.

 

So, from my experience...you are there to be her friend...not her mom. So be her friend and be there throughout all of her decisions, good or bad. That is what a friend is after all.

This is what I can hope for my lovely and sensitive friend! She also wants to have kids young (she says 5 years, which will make her 24), which WOULD make divorce much harder/more painful, but may also give them an excuse to have to work things out. I can only hope for the best! Thanks for the posts and stories everyone!

[Tomcat33]

Tough love and therapy are the same. .

 

 

NO it's not!!!?!? :laugh:

 

Chariots be surpportive and just be a good friend to your friend. What may seem like a bad move today could actually turn out to be a good move for her. If they love each other and they are equally as engaged in this idea that they want to be together, that's fine. It's their life journey and they need to play it out as they see fit.

 

What are you going to get her as a wedding present?

[lovesparis]

i'm currently in a similar situation... with 2 different (male) friends.

 

discussing engagement1 last year, i was talking to a friend (who is also friends with the soon-to-be groom) who was a bridesmaid for another male friend. she disagreed with the wedding from beginning to end. they ended up getting divorced. i asked my friend why she would stand up in a wedding she disagreed with so strongly.

 

she explained that she told her friend (the groom) how she felt about him getting married to this girl. after she told him how she felt, she told him regardless, she would support his decision as it is HIS decision to make. and if it is a mistake, at least she told him how she felt, but as his friend, she was going to support him in his decision.

 

i understand the cognitive dissonance that this situation can bring out.

 

after my discussion with my friend, i have told both of my soon-to-be-groom friends that i disagree with their engagement and why, but i will support them because it is not my decision to make.

 

it can be difficult to support something you disagree with. but we love our friends who support us no matter what.

[Crimzoclo]

I married that person who everyone thought was wrong for me. My parents and I stopped talking as well as a lot of friends because they didn't feel that he was right for me. I followed my heart- I knew (and still know) that he is my true love. On my end, it has caused a lot of hurt because of lack of support and lack of trust in my judgement. People are very judgemental and aren't afraid of imposing their righteous will upon others. Like I told everyone else, if it's a mistake, it is my mistake to make.

[MN randomguy]

Thanks, both of you. I know that's what I needed to hear, and what I need to do...it's just hard. I feel like I'm betraying her (and even my own values) to support something that will most likely end up hurting her more in the end (I already have one friend who was divorced by age 22!). But you're right--I don't know what the outcome will be--maybe this guy will grow up and become a good match for her--maybe marriage will propel him in that direction?

 

 

But what I've always thought is, if you're right for someone, you'll still be right in a few years, when you're done college and at a stable point in life, when a wedding isn't just stress built upon stress. I really wish she'd at least wait a little while longer, but I guess I'll just try to be supportive.

 

1. I don't think you have to suport someone's actions to be supportive of them. Can't you tell her that you can't live her life for her and you want to be her friend. Then mean it.

 

2. this business about

maybe this guy will grow up and become a good match for her--maybe marriage will propel him in that direction?

 

Don't ever think that. That's another - Thanks Hollywood moment. It doesn't happen in the real world. Don't give up your knowledge of truth because you're trying to relate to your friend. Once this blows over she's going to need a healthy model for how to choose men.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

So I haven't been to Loveshack in forever, but I had to revive this thread from almost 4 years ago, because, guess what? My young friend who was 19 years old and engaged-to-be-married when this thread started, is now 23, and divorced.

 

Most of you guys had said to support her, and I did that as best I could, but what do you know? I was right. (Who else would have guessed a guy who threatened to kill himself in response to adversity and has 0 self-esteem wouldn't be good marriage material?)

 

So now I implore you, Loveshack, knowing the outcome of this union--did I do the right thing? Or should I have done what I truly felt was right and shaken her, and told her this wasn't going to end well if she went through with it? Was PC love and good feelings the answer, or should I have been harsh and honest and let her know what I really felt so strongly about?

 

I've never had to deal with such a your friend being divorced before.

[Trimmer]

So I haven't been to Loveshack in forever, but I had to revive this thread from almost 4 years ago, because, guess what? My young friend who was 19 years old and engaged-to-be-married when this thread started, is now 23, and divorced.

 

Most of you guys had said to support her, and I did that as best I could, but what do you know? I was right. (Who else would have guessed a guy who threatened to kill himself in response to adversity and has 0 self-esteem wouldn't be good marriage material?)

 

So now I implore you, Loveshack, knowing the outcome of this union--did I do the right thing? Or should I have done what I truly felt was right and shaken her, and told her this wasn't going to end well if she went through with it? Was PC love and good feelings the answer, or should I have been harsh and honest and let her know what I really felt so strongly about?

 

I've never had to deal with such a your friend being divorced before.

You must allow her to own her choices, because that's the only way she will take responsibility for them, and that's the only way that she can learn from them.

 

You must not presume to take the weight of those consequences upon your own shoulders. She was not and is not a child, and especially not your child.

 

Don't beat yourself up, you did OK. Who's to say that she hasn't learned something - matured - through this experience, in a way that will serve her for the rest of her life. Maybe it's better that she learned things while she is young and resilient, and while she still has plenty of life and energy to bounce back and start moving forward again.

 

You played your part, and you did fine. The rest of it is all the bounce of a ball, the flip of a coin. She gets to own her life - go share it with her as her friend, but don't presume to be able to orchestrate it...

[carhill]

IMO, reviewing the thread, you voiced your opinion, then supported your friend and I hope continue to support her during this difficult time. Life is about choices. You could've chose to cease investment in her as a friend and moved on to other people who better aligned with your own perceptions and sensibilities. Yet, you apparently stayed and now offer this update.

 

IMO, this isn't about right or wrong and who was right and who was wrong. It's about living and loving and learning.

 

How does she feel now about the style of advice you offered, upon reflection? I think her opinion is far more valuable and informative than any we could offer at this point.

[pink_sugar]

This sounds exactly like me and my H. Proposed to me on my 18th birthday and he was 23, HOWEVER, the difference is that both of us have never been with anyone else. I admit I was young and I have grown a lot as a person since then. So perhaps waiting a few years longer probably would have been best. We also moved out on our own a year prior to that, my first year of college and he went back to school after working full time for 2 years. Our families disagreed only because of my age and his looks. It's been 4 years now and though we've had many, many hurdles, we're both getting our bachelors degrees next year. We're 23 and 28. We're still married. You did right by supporting her. She had to realize herself the mistake she was making to learn from it. I actually have a friend who went into the airforce...she's 23 and divorced TWICE.

[MuscleCarFan]

So I haven't been to Loveshack in forever, but I had to revive this thread from almost 4 years ago, because, guess what? My young friend who was 19 years old and engaged-to-be-married when this thread started, is now 23, and divorced.

 

Most of you guys had said to support her, and I did that as best I could, but what do you know? I was right. (Who else would have guessed a guy who threatened to kill himself in response to adversity and has 0 self-esteem wouldn't be good marriage material?)

 

So now I implore you, Loveshack, knowing the outcome of this union--did I do the right thing? Or should I have done what I truly felt was right and shaken her, and told her this wasn't going to end well if she went through with it? Was PC love and good feelings the answer, or should I have been harsh and honest and let her know what I really felt so strongly about?

 

I've never had to deal with such a your friend being divorced before.

 

Well, I think being harsher about may have been the right thing, but I don't really know. A guy who threatens to kill himself when things do not go right is a HUGE red flag!

[Radu]

So I haven't been to Loveshack in forever, but I had to revive this thread from almost 4 years ago, because, guess what? My young friend who was 19 years old and engaged-to-be-married when this thread started, is now 23, and divorced.

 

Most of you guys had said to support her, and I did that as best I could, but what do you know? I was right. (Who else would have guessed a guy who threatened to kill himself in response to adversity and has 0 self-esteem wouldn't be good marriage material?)

 

So now I implore you, Loveshack, knowing the outcome of this union--did I do the right thing? Or should I have done what I truly felt was right and shaken her, and told her this wasn't going to end well if she went through with it? Was PC love and good feelings the answer, or should I have been harsh and honest and let her know what I really felt so strongly about?

 

I've never had to deal with such a your friend being divorced before.

 

You did the right thing.

It's your friend's fault for shutting out all the negative opinions, removing even constructive criticism from her life and ending up in this situation.

Is your friend religious ?

In the Christian faith the one you married initially is married with you for eternity, no matter who else you marry later because that is seen as the first union, a union that can not be broken by man.

 

Better question is, hindsight is 20:20, but is she seeing what happened in the past for what it was, has she learned anything from this or is she still avoiding blame.

If she still hasn't accepted that it was her fault, 110%, she will repeat it [likely], as those that don't understand history are bound to repeat it.