Reconciliation on the horizon

[TrustInYourself]

I have a month before the wife moves back in. She's been gone for 5 months and 3 weeks.

 

Now I need to know what to expect when she gets back? I know quite a few people who get back together, only for the relationship to fall apart all over again.

 

I'm really scared and anxious. I feel well equipped and ready this time around, but there is still that lingering doubt. I have some thoughts that maybe this is too quick or that I pushed it. But honestly, the only pushing I did was tell her I didn't want to do this separation anymore and was going to file. Is that pushing? Am I tempting fate?

 

Any suggestions?

[ilmw]

I will tell you this.

 

Do not except pressure from friends or family to rush things or do things you feel are to soon or over board.

 

Do not get comfortable to soon...can cause complacency.

 

Do not lose focus of your goals...and keep your spouse in the loop.

 

And....drum role please....

 

Do not lose the new found communication you have developed with your spouse.

 

It was hard to reconcile... it will be easy to destroy it!

 

Keep your head up... and eyes wide open... listen to your head... not your heart.

 

ilmw

[Jonesey]

Congrats TIY.....what was the the event that led up to this?

[TrustInYourself]

It took 5 months of doing what you have been doing, Jonesey.

 

I respected her decision to separate. Whenever we saw eachother, I was positive and happy. I never pushed to get back with her. I just took every moment we were together to show her that I was making changes for myself to be a better man.

 

When we were apart, I went out with with old buddies, made new friends. I was pretty social prior to our marriage and that changed, I got complacent. I made huge efforts to just get out and remember who I was and what people valued about me. That helped me get past the loneliness and that feeling of not being loved.

 

I really think that I had to change and work hard on regaining myself while separated. Not so much for her, but for me. I had changed during the marriage. I took so much for granted. I didn't even realize I was losing my wife. That was my drive. To know that I really tried to save it.

 

However, none of that brought her back. I had to tell her it was over and I was ready to move on. That's what opened her eyes.

 

I wasn't expecting her to come back. That's why I'm like shocked and scared a bit. I had crossed the bridge and thought that she was done. She still has issues and I know that I am still in deep, but at least she's telling me she's willing to move back in and work on it. 6 months ago she wanted out. Now she's willing to give it another shot.

 

I think about what I really want. I'm not sure, there is massive confusion in my head. I accepted the end. I didn't want it, but I was losing my mind trying so hard with no effort on her part. Now that she's willing to try, I find myself questioning things. I know, I'm being ridiculous...but there's a part of me that just doesn't trust her. That will have to be rebuilt. Our love is hurting, but I have faith that it too can be rebuilt. Mature love doesn't rely on a fire or passion or romantic feeling inside. It's about choices. If you make the right choices, I firmly believe you can rebuild that passion and love. You can take, "I love you but not in love with you" and rebuild that into "I am deeply, passionately, intensely in-love with you". I really believe that. You just have to really work at it and attempt to understand your spouse.

 

So here I am. I've got a lot of understanding and patience to demonstrate before I'm out of trouble. I can't get complacent, ever. LOL! I'll keep you guys posted.

[Ronni_W]

I've got a lot of understanding and patience to demonstrate

But also remember to set your own boundaries and express your own needs, desires and preferences -- after all, taking an assertive, confident stand for yourself is what has gotten her back in the door. (Well, you exuded confidence even if it wasn't felt .)

 

Know what YOU want to receive and be clear about your own limits and expectations -- it is a partnership and not just about one person (you?) giving, and being understanding of the other's limits, and working like pack mule to live up to her/his expectations and ensure that his/her needs and wishes are satisfied.

 

IMO, no matter what happened in the past, building a healthy, positive relationship for the future does call for you to also be and express 'you', in kind, loving, honest and clear ways. It's fine to also WANT understanding, forgiveness, respect, patience...whatever it may be that you want for yourself.

 

I guess that a little "uneasiness & wariness" can be expected on both sides, once she moves back. Perhaps acknowledging such feelings might bring better results than pretending they doesn't exist?

 

Best of luck -- I hope you have a successful reconciliation.

[Simon Leon]

Well this is big news...scary news.

 

I have read a number of posts on different forums of WAW's changing their minds when it comes down to the final crunch.

On all these occasions the LBS (left behind spouse) has been busting his ass on getting their lives back and once again becoming strong independant individuals. Once you don't need them.....maybe don't want them, the tide changes and the waters start coming back to shore.

 

I for one am following this approach.....

If it works..great, if it dosn't, then I'm a better man for the effort and will once again reclaim my spot as the crazy fun loving....adventure seeking guy that I once was.

 

Sorry for hijacking your thread.

[reddog63]

I have a month before the wife moves back in. She's been gone for 5 months and 3 weeks.

 

Now I need to know what to expect when she gets back? I know quite a few people who get back together, only for the relationship to fall apart all over again.

 

I'm really scared and anxious. I feel well equipped and ready this time around, but there is still that lingering doubt. I have some thoughts that maybe this is too quick or that I pushed it. But honestly, the only pushing I did was tell her I didn't want to do this separation anymore and was going to file. Is that pushing? Am I tempting fate?

 

Any suggestions?

 

 

I recently bought a book at borders but I can not recall the name. It was a positive book on separation. The reason I bring it up is because it mentions one of the key mistakes is coming back to soon. May not be case in your situation, but it made sense to me.

 

I am the walk away husband trying to figure out what path to take.......it is more geared for the dumpee but still overs good advice on how to use your time separated so that hopefully, it is not repeated if spouse comes back.

 

 

 

 

 

TI

[TrustInYourself]

I doubt that's the case. I have some serious issues already.

 

She doesn't show me affection or give me all the sex I want. That's my problem, sure. But it doesn't help when I'm angry.

 

Also we had a semi-argument yesterday. I want her to pay her share of rent. She doesn't feel like she has to. I feel pretty pissed about that.

 

I am really trying to keep a lid on my emotions. Not sure how to proceed. I can't even talk to her because I come off as selfish. I am really confused about my feelings.

 

I forced myself to not need or want her. I accepted divorce and now I have to start all over again, this time I have to accept getting back with her and all the issues that come with it.

 

I'm really feeling depressed. I don't trust her. I don't feel like I can talk to her. When I'm near her, I feel bad.

 

I think it's all self-induced. It's me. That's why I can't understand it. Why am I like this?

[badbrit]

TIY you have come a long way but the changes have not been deep enough friend, they have been surface and so they are not aligned with your internal feelings.

 

You need to be very careful that you do not ruin this chance you have.

 

I have some simple advice for you, it does involve reading some new things but I strongly suggest it. Love Tactics (website is lovetactics.com) and there is a book that you can buy through amazon for a couple bucks and also have you ever got involved in Law of Attraction (download The Secret as a good start)

 

It is not stuff you can see and then feign, it is life changing stuff and makes you such a different person, a beacon of strength and positivity for real, a lot more accepting, mentally strong and I can assure you that if you get there well enough, you will not have any of this anger or issues, none of it will bother you at all. You will be grateful for what you DO have, never focus on what you do NOT have and be such a warmer person and natural and I bet she will respond very well.

 

You have come so far but I sense that it is very much surface understanding of what you should be doing rather than living the right way because you really FEEL that way.

 

My advice is understand that you are close but in danger of screwing it and if you screw it this time, there may not be another chance.

 

DO nothing, relax, be cool and get reading, watching, changing.

 

You may or not have the capacity for change, may doubt it, I did, but I did it and have done it.

 

There is no negative, only opportunities

[TrustInYourself]

Thanks for the read suggestions. I need something to feed my brain.

 

Her decision to work on it came after I hardlined her. I resent that. I'm working on it though.

 

As far as this whole situation. It's a major change. I worked for 5 months to accept being on my own and being happy without her. I found a good measure of self-worth, happiness. Now that I am losing that independence, I find myself questioning things.

 

I am undergoing a major change in my life again. It's going to take me some time to work with this change and accept it. We have issues that can not be addressed at this time. We are still fragile. The work is there. The desire to make it work is there. The love is like a faint heartbeat that is barely audible. We are both committed to renewing and helping that beat grow stronger.

 

I just want to get away from my anger, depression so I can renew the love. For now, that means putting my anger and resentment on the backburner.

 

Questioning things doesn't help.

[badbrit]

Trust me, if you could get into Law of Attraction which you are already using without knowing, everyone is but the majority do not understand it, then it will not be fragile and you will be so serene and calm and accepting that it will restore

 

Add in lovetactics which is specific to love and you will be fine, understand it and live by it consistantly and there is no doubt you will both be very happy.

 

Trust me on that.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm out. I'm too jaded to even discuss **** here. I read this crap over and over and it's getting to me.

[Gunny376]

:mad:Once you've danced with the Devil, you don't so much change him as he changes YOU! The DW has let the Jeni out of the bottle and she may find that its not so easy to get him back in!

 

From your posts (and granted that this isn't the best method of communicating such topics) your wife seems to be of the femininst mindset that her money is hers to do as she would with it, and that your money is hers as well.

 

This goes in lock-step with "If a man cheats on his wife? Its his fault for doing so. But if a woman cheats on her husband? Its still his fault!

 

Sorry doesn't work that way.

 

I've got a friend of mine whose wife just up and quit her job! Out of the blue, and without prior dicussion and believes its perfectally within her right to now become a SAHM for her GS while her daughter lays in the road spreading her legs for any and everyone around. To say that he's seriously considering divorce would be an understatement!

 

The fact of the matter is and remains, is that for many women ~ all men are and ever will be is a step up the economic food chain, a "meal-ticket" or an early retirement plan (aka "Stay-At-Home-Mom" or "Traditional Wife") ***[Not talking about the legit SAHM or TW's, but the women that are use it as manipulative tool. Many "traditional" men don't won't their wives to work. My GF's were such men, "NO wife of mine will ever work!" A source of pride for them.)

 

The simple fact of the matter is that without contributing to the household coffers, she's part of the problem and not part of the solution. She's part of the question, not part of the answers.

 

And again, I ask you during this period of "enlightenment" you've had during this seperation, what has she learned? Apparently not freaking much! Other than that when things get rough out there in the Cold, cruel world she's got you to come running back to literally provide her shelter.

 

But during this seperation ~ you were no fool ~ you got you azz back into school and learned a thing or two. (Keep learning) But she thinks she's coming back to the same old fool. And she's not!

 

People come, and people go,

 

Women come and women go.

 

But, one less monkey? Does not stop a show!

 

What one can abuse? Another can certainly use.

 

The Power of Attraction is simple ~ as you permitt yourself to think, ~ you believe ~ as you believe ~ you become. (Note I'm not talking about just romantic attraction ~ but attraction of obtaining whatever it is you want from and in Life)

 

For it to work you have to visualize it ~ daily, You may never come to it full fruitation ~ but you will be amazed how close you will come to it.

 

"Whatever the mind of man can conceive ~ the mind of man can acheive"

 

Suggest works by:

 

Dale Carniege and Napoleon Hill

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

:mad:Once you've danced with the Devil, you don't so much change him as he changes YOU! The DW has let the Jeni out of the bottle and she may find that its not so easy to get him back in!

 

From your posts (and granted that this isn't the best method of communicating such topics) your wife seems to be of the femininst mindset that her money is hers to do as she would with it, and that your money is hers as well.

 

This goes in lock-step with "If a man cheats on his wife? Its his fault for doing so. But if a woman cheats on her husband? Its still his fault!

 

Sorry doesn't work that way.

 

I've got a friend of mine whose wife just up and quit her job! Out of the blue, and without prior dicussion and believes its perfectally within her right to now become a SAHM for her GS while her daughter lays in the road spreading her legs for any and everyone around. To say that he's seriously considering divorce would be an understatement!

 

The fact of the matter is and remains, is that for many women ~ all men are and ever will be is a step up the economic food chain, a "meal-ticket" or an early retirement plan (aka "Stay-At-Home-Mom" or "Traditional Wife") ***[Not talking about the legit SAHM or TW's, but the women that are use it as manipulative tool. Many "traditional" men don't won't their wives to work. My GF's were such men, "NO wife of mine will ever work!" A source of pride for them.)

 

The simple fact of the matter is that without contributing to the household coffers, she's part of the problem and not part of the solution. She's part of the question, not part of the answers.

 

And again, I ask you during this period of "enlightenment" you've had during this seperation, what has she learned? Apparently not freaking much! Other than that when things get rough out there in the Cold, cruel world she's got you to come running back to literally provide her shelter.

 

But during this seperation ~ you were no fool ~ you got you azz back into school and learned a thing or two. (Keep learning) But she thinks she's coming back to the same old fool. And she's not!

 

People come, and people go,

 

Women come and women go.

 

But, one less monkey? Does not stop a show!

 

What one can abuse? Another can certainly use.

 

The Power of Attraction is simple ~ as you permitt yourself to think, ~ you believe ~ as you believe ~ you become. (Note I'm not talking about just romantic attraction ~ but attraction of obtaining whatever it is you want from and in Life)

 

For it to work you have to visualize it ~ daily, You may never come to it full fruitation ~ but you will be amazed how close you will come to it.

 

"Whatever the mind of man can conceive ~ the mind of man can acheive"

 

Suggest works by:

 

Dale Carniege and Napoleon Hill

Word. Hopefully TIY will come back and read that.

[ilmw]

If we are talking about positive reading stuff... I'd also recommend 'The Secret"

 

I read that book... at it did in fact offer some good advise... on being positive.. and how to change your mind set... like, if you wake in a bad mood.. you tend to have a lousy day. It teaches you .. to wake and convince yourself that it will be a good day... and Yes.. it tends to work... Trust me on that...LOL

 

And it does go on about.. visualizing a goal.. and achieving it.. Oh yeah the Laws of Attraction......... Guess that was covered already..

 

ilmw.

 

PS... I believe for a reconciliation to work.. both parties have to believe it is for the right reasons.. and have both made some changes they themselves believe and their spouses believe... because if those changes arn't real... the old habits, behaviours... will creep back real soon... and someone is going to be living out of cardboard boxes.. and glad bags for awhile....

 

ilmw

[Maladjusted]

I am glad to hear that things are working out the way that you wanted them to. It will not be an easy road, but if you both love each other you can make it work.

[TrustInYourself]

Thanks for the support, Mal.

[TrustInYourself]

:mad:Once you've danced with the Devil, you don't so much change him as he changes YOU! The DW has let the Jeni out of the bottle and she may find that its not so easy to get him back in!

 

From your posts (and granted that this isn't the best method of communicating such topics) your wife seems to be of the femininst mindset that her money is hers to do as she would with it, and that your money is hers as well.

 

This goes in lock-step with "If a man cheats on his wife? Its his fault for doing so. But if a woman cheats on her husband? Its still his fault!

 

Sorry doesn't work that way.

 

I've got a friend of mine whose wife just up and quit her job! Out of the blue, and without prior dicussion and believes its perfectally within her right to now become a SAHM for her GS while her daughter lays in the road spreading her legs for any and everyone around. To say that he's seriously considering divorce would be an understatement!

 

The fact of the matter is and remains, is that for many women ~ all men are and ever will be is a step up the economic food chain, a "meal-ticket" or an early retirement plan (aka "Stay-At-Home-Mom" or "Traditional Wife") ***[Not talking about the legit SAHM or TW's, but the women that are use it as manipulative tool. Many "traditional" men don't won't their wives to work. My GF's were such men, "NO wife of mine will ever work!" A source of pride for them.)

 

The simple fact of the matter is that without contributing to the household coffers, she's part of the problem and not part of the solution. She's part of the question, not part of the answers.

 

And again, I ask you during this period of "enlightenment" you've had during this seperation, what has she learned? Apparently not freaking much! Other than that when things get rough out there in the Cold, cruel world she's got you to come running back to literally provide her shelter.

 

But during this seperation ~ you were no fool ~ you got you azz back into school and learned a thing or two. (Keep learning) But she thinks she's coming back to the same old fool. And she's not!

 

People come, and people go,

 

Women come and women go.

 

But, one less monkey? Does not stop a show!

 

What one can abuse? Another can certainly use.

 

The Power of Attraction is simple ~ as you permitt yourself to think, ~ you believe ~ as you believe ~ you become. (Note I'm not talking about just romantic attraction ~ but attraction of obtaining whatever it is you want from and in Life)

 

For it to work you have to visualize it ~ daily, You may never come to it full fruitation ~ but you will be amazed how close you will come to it.

 

"Whatever the mind of man can conceive ~ the mind of man can acheive"

 

Suggest works by:

 

Dale Carniege and Napoleon Hill

 

We had a discussion. This is a simple matter of perception. I perceive I am being wronged, hence I feel wronged.

 

She wants to take some time off to focus on our marriage and spend time with me. This means less working, less income, more family/husband/wife time.

 

I'll consider your advice. Do you follow your own advice?

[Billy Bob]

However, none of that brought her back. I had to tell her it was over and I was ready to move on. That's what opened her eyes.

 

Yep, maybe the grass wasn't quite so green out there.. SD should follow your example instead of being a doormat.

 

After 8-12 months of waffling hell by my ex-wife (where I was a doormat), I divorced her and kicked her out. She tried to get back together with me a few times for about a year after that... But, nope wasn't going to get sucked back into a relationship with that emotional vampire.

 

Now I have a great partner, a best friend. I would never tolerate being treated the way my ex-wife treated me again. If someone wants out of the relationship, not "sure" how they feel about me.. Loves me, but not "in-love" with me anymore............ Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

 

Plenty of fish in the sea!

[GreenEyedLady]

I'm wondering out loud here...

 

But after all this "fighting" to get your W/H back, what happens when you're actually back together? Do you and/or your spouse expect everything to go back to the way it was? Do you/your spouse expect to not have hurt feelings even though one knows that the other left them?

 

I am just wondering because it seems like all the energy goes into winning them back. But who's really the prize? I think I would feel horribly betrayed and resentful and it would kill my feelings for them.

 

Just something to think about.

[Billy Bob]

I am just wondering because it seems like all the energy goes into winning them back. But who's really the prize? I think I would feel horribly betrayed and resentful and it would kill my feelings for them.

 

Just something to think about.

 

Exactly, maybe in some rare cases it works out.. But at least from my point of view once a spouse "doesn't love" the other spouse anymore, or has an affair, or wants a divorce... The trust and foundation of the committed relationship has been severely damaged.

 

I think it would be easier to build a healthy committed relationship with someone new. It would be hard for me to trust again, once the commitment has been broken. Always wonder in the back of my mind about the real reasons they left and came back. Was I the backup plan? Does she feel like she is settling? When is she going to go tilt again?

 

I also avoid buying refurbished products for the same reason.

[TrustInYourself]

Yes, I feel betrayed. I don't know if it's going to work. We are both willing to try.

 

We both accept this is not going to be a fairy tale at the start. There are issues that have to be worked out.

 

I don't know how everything will turn out. No one knows how a relationship will turn out. I just know now what steps I need to take to ensure that we are headed in the right direction.

 

I've asked her to start taking some steps as well. She's willing to do what it takes.

 

We both feel like quitting at times. I discussed this with her. We are now allies in making it work. I take strength from the fact that she's willing to work through her feelings. So I will work through my feelings.

 

Yeah it's hard. In time, who knows. We are starting to plan and think about the future together. As I said before though, anything can happen. Even in fairy tale romances, anything can happen.

 

I feel strange validating my relationship. I know what I love in her. I can only present things from my side. Maybe if she posted here, you could see things more from her perspective. I'm not perfect, so I'm not expecting perfection from her.

 

I feel better, but I'm scared of things I can't control. I'm working on that issue now. I'm working on my anger and resentment as well as the sense of betrayal. The truth is, as a married couple, we are both responsible for our current situation. We are both addressing our issues as they come up.

 

Meh...I thought I wanted this, but it's not all roses. I'll keep you updated.

[TrustInYourself]

I've been thinking about it.

 

It's not that I am trying to forget. I am trying to forgive.

 

I'm confused since there doesn't seem to be an expert where I am headed.

[Gunny376]

As a matter of fact, I do follow my own advice ~ and while I won't say that I've completly over-come my "need" to be in a relationship ~ I've come pretty damned close to it.

 

Happiness and self contentment come from within ~ not from external sources and other people. Most people are about as happy as they make themselves up to be.

 

That sometimes requires some work and effort on one's part. But if you can't learn how to happy and self-content with yourself? How can you do so with someone else?

 

Most never make the effort?

[TrustInYourself]

As a matter of fact, I do follow my own advice ~ and while I won't say that I've completly over-come my "need" to be in a relationship ~ I've come pretty damned close to it.

 

Happiness and self contentment come from within ~ not from external sources and other people. Most people are about as happy as they make themselves up to be.

 

That sometimes requires some work and effort on one's part. But if you can't learn how to happy and self-content with yourself? How can you do so with someone else?

 

Most never make the effort?

 

There is no need to be in a relationship. Only want. That's the problem. Your want doesn't outweigh your fear or reluctance.

 

When people are hurt, they sometimes prefer being alone over risking their heart and mental sanity for another.

 

I don't want to be like that. I can be content alone or with someone. Can you?