how do you know when you can be friends

[pandagirl]

So, people familiar with my love life will know I dated this guy for shortly, we broke up -- wasn't on bad terms -- we tried to do the "Friends" thing, but that didn't really work out because we were essentially fake dating and it just got pointless. There are no hard feelings, I don't feel sad or hurt or anything.

 

I've gone NC with him for the past 5 weeks. It's been good, but I do eventually want to rekindle a friendship with him. I know some people think it's not worth it, but I truly like him as a person. We get along like peas in pod and he's one of the few people who understands my sick sense of humor. Plus, I love his friends and they love me, and it was always fun time being with them.

 

I guess my question is, how do I break the NC? I don't want him to think I'm trying to start something up again. Maybe I can invite him out in a group setting or a party?

[Trialbyfire]

pandagirl, if he suddenly grew interested in you again, would you take up with him? If the answer is yes, you're not ready to be friends.

[pandagirl]

pandagirl, if he suddenly grew interested in you again, would you take up with him again? If the answer is yes, you're not ready to be friends.

 

To date again? No. I've never gotten back together with anyone I've broken up with. And there have been a few guys who have tried. Even if I wanted to, once a certain trust has been broken with me, it's pretty much over.

 

I guess the problem would be more of a physical attraction thing, and if we can keep that in check.

[Trialbyfire]

To date again? No. I've never gotten back together with anyone I've broken up with. And there have been a few guys who have tried. Even if I wanted to, once a certain trust has been broken with me, it's pretty much over.

 

I guess the problem would be more of a physical attraction thing, and if we can keep that in check.

The physical attraction is usually the last to go. I would steer clear from trying to be friends, if you still feel this way. It's too easy to fall into an FWB situation.

 

While many women say they can compartmentalize sex from love or caring, most can't.

[carhill]

IMO, check in from time to time and perhaps meet occasionally for a casual coffee or lunch. You'll know when the attraction is gone. NC works well, IME, for processing incompatibilities and assigning the appropriate emotions.

 

Pandagirl, is this the guy who had sex with you after you "broke up"? If yes, and IIRC the circumstances, you should be able to process this to a platonic friendship. IIRC, you didn't have sex other than that one time, right? IMO, if correct, that likely will have made the process easier rather than harder, as there are no ambiguities or significant unrequited feelings to process, only the realities.

 

If other, happy to entertain or be directed to the story

[pandagirl]

I already went through the FWB stage with him, which is why i went NC with him. Once I emotionally detach myself, I usually am no longer attracted to the person...

[Trialbyfire]

I already went through the FWB stage with him, which is why i went NC with him. Once I emotionally detach myself, I usually am no longer attracted to the person...

But you're still physically attracted to this guy, aren't you?

[carhill]

Can't speak for pandagirl, but, once I detach emotionally, a woman is sexually neutral to me. There is no dimension; no attraction. I don't derive any significant pleasure from the sex. I know this for a fact. I can still cognitively please someone out of empathy or caring, but there is no personal pleasure.

 

Perhaps my disconnect with the OP's dynamic is that she can still derive sexual pleasure, like from FWB, without being "attracted", like she would need for a romantic relationship. I'm not wired up to function that way so have no understanding.

 

If it's the same guy, I missed the FWB part...sorry about that. Given the dynamic, move on to other things and re-visit in six months. Bet your perspective will be different

[Trialbyfire]

All I'm doing is trying to get pandagirl to examine her own motivations for wanting to be friends with this man.

 

If she's interested in restarting an FWB relationship, sure, contact him. If she wants more from him, once again she'll be trying to reel in a guy who doesn't want to be caught. An exercise in futility and a way to take another emotional beating.

 

I'm not against breaking NC though. Sometimes people need to do so, so they understand why they invoked it in the first place, since they don't end up getting what they need from the other person. The risk is that you end up back at day one or worse. If you're willing to take the risk, do it.

[pandagirl]

Carhill -- yes, this is the guy I slept with after we broke up. We slept together one more time after that, made out several times, and every time we would hang out, there was always a lot of sexual tension and some couple-y interaction (holding hands, etc). I'm like you Carhill, if there is no emotional connection, sex isn't really that interesting to me.

 

TBF: I'm not interested in a FWB relationship. I really want to be friends with him. Not best friends, but I'd like to be able to hang out with him from time to time as we really get along and like spending time with each other.

 

The biggest reason we didn't work out, is because even though we were really attracted to each other and got along amazingly, that intense romantic connection was missing. But being around each other was always comfortable, fun and great.

 

One of the reasons I went NC was to see how I really felt about him, and question my feelings for him. Was I keeping in touch with him because I was hoping to rekindle a relationship? Was I trying to hang on to something that I didn't want to let go of? During these past 5 weeks, I've realized I just really like him as a person and more than kissing and the romantic companionship, I miss our great conversations and the way we made each other laugh.

 

I feel like you don't met people you get along with this well very often. We always said to each other how lucky we felt to have met each other, even though we didn't work out as a couple. And since there are no hard feelings and I'm not pining for him, I'm hoping we can transition into being real friends.

[Art_Critic]

I'm not pining for him,

 

From my point of view and the way I've read your past threads on this I believe you have never stopped pining for him.

 

I realize you don't see it that way but you have never stopped trying to be part of his life.. you my friend are not over him.. not even close..

 

Sometimes we just have to move on and forget being friends.. I think it is time for you to leave this go for now and someday you will look back at this and realize that the guy hurt you.. and you just didn't want to be rejected by him anymore and you didn't want to feel those feelings anymore so you kept trying to be his friend so the rejection didn't hurt as bad..

[johan]

Friendships like that are generally just holding patterns. Either you're going to finally get permission to land, or you'll have to move on, or you're just going to crash.

[carhill]

Carhill -- yes, this is the guy I slept with after we broke up. We slept together one more time after that, made out several times, and every time we would hang out, there was always a lot of sexual tension and some couple-y interaction (holding hands, etc). I'm like you Carhill, if there is no emotional connection, sex isn't really that interesting to me.

 

OK, this is where you can help me out, as I don't differentiate between sexual attraction and romantic chemistry. When you think of him now, what are your base emotions? What drives your thoughts, when you have them?

 

I think Johan has a really good point, and his assertion has been borne out in my multi-decade experience. If you do have more than just mutual interests and an easygoing shared dynamic as friends, one or both of you will be forever in a holding pattern unless you let go. How you get there is unique. My friend and I both tried for years to be "friends" and it was always one of us who pushed it into a flat spin (usually non-recoverable, using Johan's terminology). We couldn't keep up the "friend" part for more than a few months of contact and, even after not seeing each other for 14 years, this last year was pretty intense, even being much older and more experienced.

 

You'll have to reconcile your dynamic for yourself. If you're in doubt, and wish to remain open to other healthy relationships, I'd personally recommend NC. It's just an instinct....

[pandagirl]

Sometimes we just have to move on and forget being friends.. I think it is time for you to leave this go for now and someday you will look back at this and realize that the guy hurt you.. and you just didn't want to be rejected by him anymore and you didn't want to feel those feelings anymore so you kept trying to be his friend so the rejection didn't hurt as bad..

 

I am fond of him. Yes. This much is true. But, I don't feel rejected by him. I know I am capable of moving on. If I never talk to him again, I know I will survive and be happy, but I would rather choose to know him.

 

OK, this is where you can help me out, as I don't differentiate between sexual attraction and romantic chemistry. When you think of him now, what are your base emotions? What drives your thoughts, when you have them?

 

Well, we do have romantic/sexual chemistry, but I know that a serious relationship with him would've never worked out because we are too different on many emotional levels. However, his reason for breaking it off with me was simply that he didn't think I was The One and he's looking for that in his life right now.

 

When I think of him now, I feel happy... like, I'm glad that I know this person and met him. I feel like he brought out the best in me, that other people haven't been able to do. He made me break out of my comfort zone, he made me laugh hysterically. I never had any problem being honest with him. What drives me? I guess it's those positive feelings. I like the way I feel when I'm around him: comfortable, confident and 100% myself.

 

EDIT: Also, I will admit, after my date tonight, it made me miss him. Like, you're not as funny as him, you don't make me laugh, etc.

[carhill]

Do you feel like he inspired you? Added dimension to your life?

 

What I'm trying to understand is the differentiation of how all these positive things interplay with the emotional incompatibility which made a LTR untenable. I've experienced this but am interested in a woman's perspective.

[pandagirl]

Do you feel like he inspired you? Added dimension to your life?

 

What I'm trying to understand is the differentiation of how all these positive things interplay with the emotional incompatibility which made a LTR untenable. I've experienced this but am interested in a woman's perspective.

 

Yes. Definitely. He did inspire me and add dimension to my life. It's almost like when I was around him, parts of me became more alive and better. Like, he let me and gave me the confidence to be a better version of myself; I was funnier, wittier, more spontaneous, motivated. Him: risk taker, passionate, lives in the moment, optimistic, doer. Me: worrier, thinks too much, plays it safe, procrastinator, lives in the past and future. He rubbed off on me, and it inspired me.

 

Ultimately though, it's these things that I like about him so much, that would've killed a serious relationship. He needs to feel Passion with a capital "P." As my friend said: "You're just not type of person to evoke that crazy passion in a person: you're a rock, you're safe." Personally, I don't need that passion. It's not safe to me. More important to me are dependability, being compatible, and no drama.

 

I guess...I view him as unsuitable/unsafe as a romantic partner, but as a friend, he'd be a great asset to my life as I know no one like him.

[Art_Critic]

I guess...I view him as unsuitable/unsafe as a romantic partner, but as a friend, he'd be a great asset to my life as I know no one like him.

 

This is an okay way to feel.. it has happened to me before..

 

How does he feel ?.. it will only work out if you both feel the same and feel that there is no romantic feelings for one another..

[carhill]

Thanks pandagirl; I appreciate your candor. I hope you and your friend can get on the same page and be there for each other as friends

[pandagirl]

This is an okay way to feel.. it has happened to me before..

 

How does he feel ?.. it will only work out if you both feel the same and feel that there is no romantic feelings for one another..

 

 

Thanks pandagirl; I appreciate your candor. I hope you and your friend can get on the same page and be there for each other as friends

 

Sigh. I hope so, too! However, I'm going to prolong NC for a little bit more. I went on a date last night, and by the end of it, I was so bored and not interested and I started to think to myself: "I miss my ex."

[carhill]

I don't know your friend, but perhaps we attack life with similar zeal and process things at a similarly high energy level. Maybe that's the "P" you speak of. You, perhaps like my wife, prefer life to progress at a more level and predictable energy level and pace. MC has taught me that this dynamic is one of the essences of incompatibility, which you apparently know, but I was clueless about. Being in love inspires me to achieve greater things, be more than who I am, to expand my possibilities. To my wife, it's a safe haven she can return to when she needs peace and quiet from a chaotic world. We're just in different places; literally, sometimes, different worlds. The MC has been working to get us to bend more; for myself, to engage less, as one example.

 

It's only been in the last year, since reconnecting with my friend, that I came to understand that the issues are within me, that I'm the one who's attracted to and has been attracting the wrong kind of female for myself and my energy level and love style. She really reinforced what I've been hearing from my wife and in MC.

 

The really cool thing for you is that you're able to work through all this outside the confines of being married. Just imagine if you had married this guy and not understood the basic dynamic that you apparently do. Welcome to my world

 

If my experience is any guide, it will be very difficult for you to be "just friends" with this man. I've been trying to do this for a very long time with my friend and one of us usually screws it up, usually myself, since I'm the more passionate one. Maybe your friend can rein in the passion better than I can and you'll have a mutually satisfying friendship down the road. I think you'll be able to transition; my worry is him.

 

Good luck!

[pandagirl]

Oh Carhill. Why are emotions so complicated??

 

The thing is, I know we wouldn't work out romantically. Maybe if we were 23 instead of both 30, we would still be dating, but we're both old enough to know what works and doesn't work for us. Plus, he is divorced, and he knows exactly what he wants after his failed marriage.

 

However, just because we don't "work," doesn't mean the feelings go away. Having chemistry with someone is powerful and rare, and I'm just not talking romantic chemistry. I know he feels the same way about me. I guess we'll just have to see what happens.