Dreadful and manipulative co-worker and my awful day

[ICS]

I feel cursed.

 

Since 4 months ago I started at a new job as an internship student for 16 months. Things were going well and I was having fun meeting new people. All this was true until a month after I started working, which was when a new hire came onboard. She too, was around my age, but has a little more work experience than me. Anyway, in the beginning she was really nice and friendly as I got her up to speed on the job. As she began to make new friends in the office and learned all that she needed to learn from me, she became distant.

 

We no longer had fun conversations at work and she stopped coming over by my desk. In fact, when I talk to her now, she pretends to not hear and ignore me and/or puts up a face of disgust. To make matters worse, she has won over the hearts of many of our team members by showing her nice, conscientious side around them. When I am among that group, she treats me nicely. However, when the two of us are alone, she would hardly ever talk to me, and if she did, it would not be a conversation, but an attempt to put me down with obscure remarks that a stranger would not be able to pick up on.

 

Case in point: she talked to me very little on Friday, but when it came time to get off work, she smiled and thanked me in advance for putting away all the equipment we needed for our conference (which takes another 30 mins more after work hours) because that way she can run off and catch the bus home.

 

I don't want to tell her off because I know this will ruin team dynamics and that won't be good since I'll be seeing her face for another 12 months. I also don't believe in fighting fire with fire because she'll only find a scheme to create more psychological drama.

 

There are several theories I have as to why she plays mind games with me. I'm reserved in conversations and might appear weak/not-confident to her. I also work very hard during my daily 9 to 5 without spending much time on chatting with co-workers for (sometimes) hours a day, which is her daily routine. What does she want from me really?

 

In fact, it gets worse. Like usual, I had the above moments with her today, which got me a little more fired up than the typical day. Again though, I didn't tell her off but kept to myself. Going home with angry thoughts in my head while driving, I got a big speeding ticket (and I am not a speeder usually). My car was impounded for a week and I am looking at a minimum of several thousand dollars even if I win the case.

 

This has gotten out of hand, and I am really heated about what just happened and the stupidity I have to put up with at work that influenced this.

 

Would love to hear insights on this.

[forrest]

you can ignore her as much as possible.

[Ronni_W]

It sounds as if she is insecure about her own abilities and competency, so needs to find someone to be a "scapegoat" for all the self-criticism and self-judgment that's going on internally for her.

 

In the interest of saving your sanity - and for team cohesiveness - change your strategy: treat her as if she is fully competent...when SHE feels that way about herself, she will not have to be insecure and treat you and/or others like crap. When you see her doing something that is good for the team and/or the company, compliment her on it; once in a while (weekly?) ask for her input/expertise on something...even if you do already know the answer or how to perform the task.

 

This is not being "fake" IF you do it from a place of wanting to help someone else improve their own self-esteem, feel more competent and better about their abilities, etc. Your other intentions are also to make your own work environment more pleasant, and to facilitate collaborative team efforts.

 

You can also offer genuine compliments, if you happen to like her earrings or how a particular colour looks on her, or whatever. Maybe you admire her self-discipline that she never misses a yoga class, or that she can make sushi, or whatever you may learn about her over the course of the next 12 months. But, when it's a personal thing, only give genuine, honest feedback.

[D-Lish]

I think I would interact with her as little as possible.

Who knows why people act the way they do. It's important to keep in mind that these issues are hers- so let her own them and don't make it your problem.

 

I have a close male friend who started dating a girl over a year ago and no matter how hard I tried to befriend her and win her over- she just hated me. She's rude and angry and makes insensitive comments to my face whenever I have the misfortune of having to hang out with her. I eventually realized that my attempts to reach her were futile- we were never going to mesh. My way of dealing with her is to kill her with kindness. She says something mean, and I just pretend I don't notice- I never let her antagonize me no matter what she says or does.

 

I used to let it bother me- but once I just accepted that she was never going to change, I just stopped caring and the behaviour ceased to affect me. It's her problem afterall- not mine.

 

You've done everything in your power to be a friendly co-worker to this woman. She has the problem, not you. Let her wallow in her own misery in her cubicle. Interact with her when you have to and not when you don't. You may have to work alongside her but you don't need her friendship to do your job well.

[georgejungle]

I agree with what's been said here. I totally

feel that some people are just MEAN. They're

messed up in the head and like to bring you down

to a level that makes them comfortable, even if it

means making fun of you. It's not cool. It's

simple self-concious behavior. She has issues.

 

I'd ignore her, just like she's ignoring you. I know

you don't believe in fighting fire with fire, but if she

says something snippy to you, call her on it...

not in a "what's your problem?" kinda way, but more

ask her what her comments mean. "What does that mean

exactly?" "What are you saying?" Leave her flustered to

explain herself better. Don't let her have fun making

fun of you or putting you down. It only fuels her fire and

lets her know that she can do it again.

 

I can't stand people like that.

[mark982]

why you doing the work, so she can catch the bus? she's tring to get the upper hand on you. don't let her. i'd just politely ingore her.

[ICS]

Thanks for all the feedback guys!

 

An entire work week has passed and I had the fortune of not seeing her (due to the nature of our work right now). However, everyday has been a dramatic reminder of that dreadful day, and having my car locked up did not help to make me forget it.

 

Reflecting on the experience, it reminds me of my ex-girlfriend of 5 years. I cannot say if she had ever loved me, but I knew that her severe psychological problems (diagnosed later in our relationship) helped me rationalize the helplessness I felt and realize the destruction she caused.

 

 

I cannot pinpoint any particular reason for my co-worker's manipulativeness. At the same time, it probably really shouldn't matter because her intentions were clear and the effects were felt. There is no denying the malicious intent.

 

Most important of all though, I will try to remind myself of this experience whenever that co-worker gets on my nerves. I will simply ignore her and avoid all unneccessary communication to let her play her game alone.

 

 

It's funny, because all my life I have been the nice, easy to get along with guy always going with the flow. Although now I realize I might have been too nice; and almost tempting some people to walk all over me. From my bookshelf last night, I picked out a book that I had forgotten about, which describes how to deal with difficult people. I will not yield to twisted people again.