Did I Do Something Wrong Here?

[kerosenegirl]

My guy and I have been dating since January. I care very deeply for him and I know that he feels the same.

 

Recently, a man from my past who meant a great deal to me resurfaced. We had a falling out when we tried to be in love with one another after a 6 year friendship. Needless to say, it didn't work out but I've always missed the friendship. This man is also the Godfather of my children. Anyway, he recently reached out to say basically that he missed his friend and missed the children and wanted to extend well wishes. Very polite.

 

I have not responded and don't intend to until I break it down for the boyfriend. Essentially, give him the opportunity to address any questions or concerns and really keep it all out in the open.

 

My problem? I brought it up to him this morning and he said that I was being vague and that he did have questions but that he didn't want to talk about it right then. Nearly bedtime now, and no call. VERY unusual for him to go through an entire day without calling/texting/something.

 

I've had to deal with some issues with him throughout the last 7 months regarding ex girlfriends who still had feelings for him and contact him inappropriately as well as certain other flirtations involving him that set my radar off. I've been very good up to now. I've conducted myself in a manner consistent with someone in a committed relationship and he's had an easy time of things. Nothing to worry about or get insecure about because I work very hard to make him feel respected and un-threatened. In fact, before having conversations with ex lovers, I'm coming to him to give him the floor. This hasn't been the case with him.

 

I know that we are new at this and truth be told, neither of is used to a real live grown up relationship and it's been a great learning experience.

 

I guess I'm just a little put out that he would need this much time to process something harmless. Granted, he's working. But like I said, this no contact thing is highly unusual and I know what it's about.

 

Any feedback?

[theobserver]

I can't address all your issues but I'm sure someone will give an indepth reply, at the very least my response will bump your thread.

 

Presuming all goes well and your boyfriend does not mind your new friend wanting to randomly get back in touch (I find this incredibly fishy but only you can observe the situation best) If there is a meeting make sure it is with your boyfriend. Also when you do reply to this ex bf and old friend and he is an ex boyfriend first don't class it any other way make sure you mention how happy you are in your relationship.

 

If there are any problems issues it is none of his business, he has been out of the scene years and if you did tell him any troubles believe me he will take this as you are unhappy and are unconsciously telling him you want out.

 

Be careful of what this ex-bf truely wants, it's all well for you to throw in he's the godfather of your children but really who cares it's just a nice title we give to good friends never really about the kids if he cared he'd of been sending gifts and cards every year. He hasn't. I bet you'd soon find out he's been single for some time or has just gotten out of a bad relationship, do not allow him to talk about "the good times" when you were a couple. Don't start spending more time with him over time together that could be with your boyfriend or we just might find you posting here 3 months from now saying you slept with an ex.

 

Personally I would just cut contact with this "friend" just seems so fishy. I look forward to what happens next and other users advice.

[Javelin]

You didn't do anything wrong...

 

First and foremost, this man being the godfather of your children means absolutely nothing. For him to use this to weasel his way back in, does seem a bit fishy, as stated by the first responder..

 

However,

Just like another girl in the picture, another guy is destined to lead to problems. Your husband is probably distant because he believes that you're trying to get back at him for the way he's handled his ex-encounters. It's kind of obvious that you're considering this as sort of a payback to what he's done to you! Now I know that your intentions seem innocent and you're correcting fatal mistakes, but you have to understand the consequence that could arise from this.

 

Honestly? I think it's a bad idea to reconnect your friendship with this guy. While it may seem harmless, people just don't reinitialize contact out of the blue to be, ' just friends. ' This guy's agenda is to probably see if there's a connection still between the two of you and most likely steal you away since your relationship is still young.

 

I'm talking extremes, but you can never be too cautious.

[kerosenegirl]

Let me clarify. The Godfather has been a part of the kids' lives. Sending gifts and calling and what not. Our falling out was about a year ago. Ours was a love affair. We tried for a while but the bulk of our time together was a friendship. 6 years to be exact prior to anything happening.

 

This is not the issue for me. If I were to get the impression that his intentions were more than "friendly", I would shoot it down in a heartbeat and intend to do so if that is the case. In no way, am I in any danger of "sleeping with the ex". I've never cheated on anyone.

 

Like I said, I am starting to have a real issue with my current boyfriend and his apparent double standards. He flirts and is flirted with CONSTANTLY. It is an issue that I've kept relatively silent about and written it off to his nature. He also has had a very inappropriate relationship with his ex who is very unstable and used him as a rescue from her current abusive relationship. I told my boyfriend that this was absolutely not cool (not that he asked how I felt about it) and that he needed to decide whether he had unfinished business with the ex or whether he was ready to move on with me but that it could not be both.

 

Last night, he finally called. Gave me the brush off all day long and finally called at almost 11:00pm. I'm sitting around all day wondering if he was truly upset. He said nothing about it whatsoever. In fact, he acted as though no discussion had taken place yesterday morning. Needless to say, I'm pretty pissed at him right now.

[Javelin]

Let me clarify. The Godfather has been a part of the kids' lives. Sending gifts and calling and what not. Our falling out was about a year ago. Ours was a love affair. We tried for a while but the bulk of our time together was a friendship. 6 years to be exact prior to anything happening.

 

This is not the issue for me. If I were to get the impression that his intentions were more than "friendly", I would shoot it down in a heartbeat and intend to do so if that is the case. In no way, am I in any danger of "sleeping with the ex". I've never cheated on anyone.

 

Like I said, I am starting to have a real issue with my current boyfriend and his apparent double standards. He flirts and is flirted with CONSTANTLY. It is an issue that I've kept relatively silent about and written it off to his nature. He also has had a very inappropriate relationship with his ex who is very unstable and used him as a rescue from her current abusive relationship. I told my boyfriend that this was absolutely not cool (not that he asked how I felt about it) and that he needed to decide whether he had unfinished business with the ex or whether he was ready to move on with me but that it could not be both.

 

Last night, he finally called. Gave me the brush off all day long and finally called at almost 11:00pm. I'm sitting around all day wondering if he was truly upset. He said nothing about it whatsoever. In fact, he acted as though no discussion had taken place yesterday morning. Needless to say, I'm pretty pissed at him right now.

 

Seems to me that this another guy is not the problem, I think your problem lies mainly with your boyfriend. That said, I don't think you and your boyfriend are very compatible and it's causing your view of what's right and wrong within a relationship to become obscured. I know you have good intentions, but you really need to think this through. Firstly, is your guy right for you? I think deep down inside that you're frustrated with him because of his relationship tendencies thus far.

 

Maybe it's time to stop playing games with him and really have a one on one conversation, about all the problems you have with him I think you both need to either evaluate where you stand and decide whether it'll work out in the future.

 

You care deeply for this man, but do you really love him? Have you been able to let your feelings go for this guy?

[kerosenegirl]

You're probably right. And no, I've not yet had an "all out" conversation with him about it because I doubt his ability to receive it well and understand it. If he truly understood appropriate boundaries in a relationship, he wouldn't engage in such flirtations and would keep the incoming ones at a distance.

 

I do love him. He's a wonderful guy. Just maybe not meant for me. He probably needs a woman who won't get fussy at all about this stuff.

 

Incidentally, he gave me his blessing about the other guy. He said his lack of contact was merely due to being busy. I ignored the fact that I think that's a blatant lie.

 

The other guy's intentions apparently were to lash out at me for all of his still-hurt feelings over our ending. Go figure.

 

Can't trust anyone.

[Javelin]

You're probably right. And no, I've not yet had an "all out" conversation with him about it because I doubt his ability to receive it well and understand it. If he truly understood appropriate boundaries in a relationship, he wouldn't engage in such flirtations and would keep the incoming ones at a distance.

 

I do love him. He's a wonderful guy. Just maybe not meant for me. He probably needs a woman who won't get fussy at all about this stuff.

 

Incidentally, he gave me his blessing about the other guy. He said his lack of contact was merely due to being busy. I ignored the fact that I think that's a blatant lie.

 

Of course he's lying, but he figures since you have been so good to him, he has no reason to feel threatened by this guy.

 

As for the duel you 2 are supposed to have!

I think you should probably do it in a few sessions, rather than all at once. My girlfriend and I usually make a list of things we want to talk about and pick 2 or 3 per talk session! At that point, we try to work out a medium between each issue and requests. I'd also like to add that going over a few at a time, really does help and while you may run into an argument, that's okay.

 

The other guy's intentions apparently were to lash out at me for all of his still-hurt feelings over our ending. Go figure.

 

Can't trust anyone.

 

That's disappointing, I'm sorry to hear that, ahh well, 1 problem off your shoulder.

[kerosenegirl]

Thanks for the advice. i think it's cool that you can be so accommodating to your girlfriend. With the lists and all.

 

I however, have a man on my hands who would like to live his life with his head in the clouds. I logged onto a common social site that he also belongs to yesterday and yet again, there's some girl messaging about how she's going to be in town for a while and really needs some ***** time. That did me in.

 

I realize it's not a used condom. But I've had it with feeling like I don't even exist with him and these women. By her words, hell I doubt she even knows about me. This man (almost 35) mind you, is not willing to let go of these things. Maybe it's an ego thing..

 

Anyway, I will see him tomorrow and I plan on breaking up. Just going to tell him that we've tried and i've had a nice time getting to know him. And that however he wants to paint it, be it my insecurities or whatever, that I just don't feel like dealing with the way he behaves in the context of a relationship. The end.

 

I can't waste anymore time on this.

[bish]

I guess I'm just a little put out that he would need this much time to process something harmless.

 

Being in contact with an X to the extent of you would be in contact with him all the time is not harmless.

 

If you were to just respond and tell him thank you, but the 2 of you have no intention of staying in frequent contact....just a one time "hi" and "bye", then it is harmless.

 

But any contact with an X isn't going to be harmless to many SO's out there. Look at it from his standpoint. A guy you use to shag is godfather to your children. Of course he may have some reservations about the nature of your relationship with this other guy.

[Javelin]

Thanks for the advice. i think it's cool that you can be so accommodating to your girlfriend. With the lists and all.

 

No problem!

 

Yeah, the accommodating thing is something I had to work on. It took a while, but if you really sit down and figure out a method, it'll work! Unfortunately the same method, does not work for everyone.

 

I however, have a man on my hands who would like to live his life with his head in the clouds. I logged onto a common social site that he also belongs to yesterday and yet again, there's some girl messaging about how she's going to be in town for a while and really needs some ***** time. That did me in.

 

I realize it's not a used condom. But I've had it with feeling like I don't even exist with him and these women. By her words, hell I doubt she even knows about me. This man (almost 35) mind you, is not willing to let go of these things. Maybe it's an ego thing..

 

Anyway, I will see him tomorrow and I plan on breaking up. Just going to tell him that we've tried and i've had a nice time getting to know him. And that however he wants to paint it, be it my insecurities or whatever, that I just don't feel like dealing with the way he behaves in the context of a relationship. The end.

 

I can't waste anymore time on this.

 

Ugh, that's horrible... Again, I'm truly sorry for the way things ended up.

 

Perhaps your (now ex-?) boyfriend has a little more growing up to do?