I don't know how to get over this--bf's EX

[sandrawg]

My situation is a long, sordid drama. I am trying to keep it short, though. Basically, me and my bf have been together a year, but we broke up in April for about 2 months. During that time, he hooked up with his ex (I'll call her Tammy)...this was an ex he's known for about 4 years and whom he's hooked up with multiple times, during those 4 years. This was also an ex who f'd around with our rel'ship...she started, 2 months into our rel'ship, sending him a picture of her in a sexy halloween costume. I found out at that time that she had sent him sexy pics a lot.

 

I objected...he TOLD me he called her and said hey, I'm in a rel'ship, leave me alone. But then she kept IM'ing and texting him...would NOT leave him alone. He kept telling me he was ignoring her.

 

We broke up due to an unrelated issue-he was doing drugs I didn't approve of.

 

I also hooked up with someone when we broke up, but it was just a guy I met at a bar AFTER we broke up, and it took me a month to finally sleep w/him, and said right off the bat, it was JUST a hook up., Neither of us wanted a rel'ship-he was going thru a divorce and I was still in love w/my exbf.

 

Anyway, after 2 months, my bf texted me and made overtures towards getting back together, the Friday of Memorial Day (I was out of town.) The next couple of days, I tried to call him. His phone was off.

 

I found out later that, that wknd, he hooked up with Tammy, the one who

wouldn't stop contacting him while we were together

 

Almost immediately afterwards, he decided to get back together w/me.

 

In the back of my mind, I knew this whole situation was gonna be trouble. But I love him, so I took him back under the conditions that he NOT do drugs anymore and that he get rid of Tammy. IMPORTANT POINT: HE AGREED TO DO SO. Said getting rid of her would not be a problem.

 

Things went well until 3 weeks after we got back together...I accidentally saw that Tammy sent him a text message.

 

When I confronted him, he had various reasons why he "just hadn't gotten around to getting rid of her." I broke up with him, pretty much-we fought, then he impulsively called Tammy and said "I need you to not contact me anymore."

 

I was still upset about the whole thing. I was very torn about whether to stay broken up w/him or not, though.

 

Later, on the phone, he was saying things like "how can you make me get rid of an old friend like this" and "we're not married!" I think these things he said are signs of his immaturity. Anyway, after talking to a friend who told him, hey, if your ex can't respect boundaries, CUT HER LOOSE, he told me he was sorry he didn't handle her before and that he would handle her, and he wanted to get bk together.

 

So, we did. But I felt like his stories about Tammy had been SO inconsistent throughout our rel'ship. For ex., he'd tell me how crazy she was. Why would he then sleep w/a girl who's crazy? He told me he had no interest in her and sometimes he'd make me feel bad for feeling insecure after she'd sent him a text or something. I really wanted to know what was up.

 

A month ago he left his email open on my computer. So-I know this is bad-but I took the opp to chk his emails and chats w/Tammy. I found out that they had been contacting each other a few months BEFORE WE BROKE UP. He had been dishonest w/me about it...right before we broke up, he told me she'd contacted him and he made it sound like he was repulsed by her. I had no idea that this wasn't an out of the blue thing.

 

When I confronted him on this, he admitted, he had "drunk dialed" her,back in February. I was livid. I told him I could not trust him, and we broke up YET AGAIN.

 

He begged me to take him back. I mean, begged. Groveled. I told him the only way to salvage the remnants of what we had was to go to couples counseling. He has been going.

 

Well, this wknd the issue of Tammy came up again. He saw a scene in a movie that reminded him of when he was doing drugs and he..how shall I say it? couldn't perform. He was trying to make a point complimentary to me, but it turns out, the time he couldn't perform was with Tammy, when we were broken up! I hadn't even known about this SECOND time, when we got back together. He had made it sound like "we hung out a few times, then I hooked up with her that wknd you were out of town, and it just sort of "happened"."

 

I felt like he sprung this on me, that there was another time they hooked up (or tried to, shall I say). And this other time, happened VERY SOON after we broke up.

 

I can't help feeling hurt and that, once again, he misled me.

 

The only thing that keeps me with him is my love for him, and his attendance at counseling.

 

We argued about this all weekend, and we're going to the counselor Tuesday.

 

I'm just really confused. I know I am having trouble letting go of our past. But he's not helping by being misleading.

 

He feels he shouldn't have even told me he hooked up with Tammy, that because we were broken up, I had no right to know. I disagree. I think the minute he decided to get back together w/me, he had an obligation to discuss his previous sexual partners. I told him everything about the guy from the bar.

 

My guy says he loves me and wants us to work more than anything. I know I either need to let go of the past and trust him, or move on.

 

I guess I'm writing this to see if anyone has dealt with a similar situation.

[verve]

I'm sorry you're going through this and hopefully the advice I give you will be helpful, I've been in a similar situation myself so I know exactly how it feels.

 

My ex slept around some guys house, lied about then I found she'd stayed there more than once, had been speaking to him more than she'd let on and she kept sticking up for him. I said, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt but eventually it all got to me and I got rid after she refused to cut all ties. I thought of it like this: why stay with her if she won't cut them ties, surely I should be more important and this person? Why say one thing about him and act another way? Its inconsistant and shows a total lack or respect.

 

Just like your partner is showing you a total lack of respect, he seems to have kept her on the backburner throughout your relationship, maybe as a backup incase you two broke up, as she's obviously into him and he probably knows this. This would explain him jumping into bed with her after you guys broke up.

 

I think peoples actions speaker louder than their words. He might say he doesn't like the girl but its him maintaining contact and sleeping with her so she can't be that repugnant to him. Its him risking the relationship by not cutting all ties when you two got back together.

 

If you do choose to work it out with him or at least attempt to, and personally I wouldn't bother if I was you as you'll end up getting your heartbroken and just prolonging the pain, then be aware that this girl is going to be around and even if he does temporarily cut ties, I would say the first sniff of trouble he'll probably be in contact with her again.

 

Good luck with things, keep us posted.

[non4321]

Not that he hasn't done anything wrong, but I'm only touching on one thing you said here. Why do you feel you guys need to disclose all information about other people you were involved with while you were broken up? If you're broken up, you're broken up. Right?

[sandrawg]

Not that he hasn't done anything wrong, but I'm only touching on one thing you said here. Why do you feel you guys need to disclose all information about other people you were involved with while you were broken up? If you're broken up, you're broken up. Right?

 

Only reason it came out is because, while I was out of town, he texted me and said some things that indicated he might want to get back together. He told me "I'm sorry for walking away..." "I miss our relationship"...I couldn't talk on the phone cuz it was late, I was at my family's house, they were sleeping. So I said "can we talk later"? he said sure.

 

All that weekend, I tried calling him/texting him. No response. He kind of shut me out. Then when he finally responded he told me his phone had been shut off. I figured out why-cuz he always had his phone off when he was with me. I knew he was with a girl. That just confused me, so I asked questions about her. I coudn't figure out why, if he had a girl, would he be texting to maybe get bk together w/me.

 

The things he said about this girl, made me GUESS it was his ex.

[sandrawg]

I'm sorry you're going through this and hopefully the advice I give you will be helpful, I've been in a similar situation myself so I know exactly how it feels...

 

If you do choose to work it out with him or at least attempt to, and personally I wouldn't bother if I was you as you'll end up getting your heartbroken and just prolonging the pain, then be aware that this girl is going to be around and even if he does temporarily cut ties, I would say the first sniff of trouble he'll probably be in contact with her again.

 

Good luck with things, keep us posted.

 

Well, after I found out that he had been contacting her before we had broken up, I told him I couldn't trust him. He begged me not to break up with him. He had also called her and told her to stay out of his life. He also sent me an instant message chat he had with her, where he told her not to contact him anymore.

 

A week or so later, she sees his SISTER online, and starts IM'ing his sister, saying "well at least YOU still talk to me; your brother hates me" bla bla bla.

 

At least he informed me of this. But this girl has more games than Hasbro.

 

I just have such a yucky taste in my mouth over the whole thing that I am feeling like I wanna be done with this whole rel'ship.