Wife wants a Divorce

[hatman]

My wife of 17+ years told me Saturday that she wants a divorce, she has already contacted a mediator and wants to proceed asap. A little background is in order. The trouble started in the spring of 2005, she became very distant, and she finally said that she wanted to move out. I reacted with grief, and begged her to stay, we started counseling and worked through it, or so I thought. Since then it's been up and down, she's unhappy/wants out, then she's sorry that she felt that way and is deeply in love with me. She has been sleeping in the guest room for almost a year, with her coming upstairs to "visit". She is 50 and the hormones are really kicking in (she admits this) I'm 46, we have a 15 year old son, and a house that neither one of us can afford to keep on our own. She's an Alcoholic and didn't drink for 20 years. She started drinking again around the same time (maybe a few months before) this started. She has gotten passed out drunk quite a few times since then, with me trying to keep tabs on her, she gets verbally abusive to me when she drinks, and I'm always trying to tell her that's probably enough to drink. I'm torn between just giving up on her and letting her go, or trying my best to work through this again. I love her and I don't want to break up the family, but it may be better to bite the bullet and start over. I want custody of our son, and I'm willing to fight for it, she probably won't fight me. I don't think there is a magic bullet for my situation, I just need to keep my chin up and take care of myself.

[whichwayisup]

She needs to get back into AA and quickly! Protect your son because he doesn't need to be exposed to her drinking and how she is when drunk.

 

I have to ask, is there someone else that she's met?

[hatman]

She has talked about going back to AA, but she feels that she has her drinking under control, I tend to disagree with her, then she gets very defensive. She's a competitive drinker," You poured yourself more wine than me, you had 2 beers I only had one so I can have another drink ect...."

As far as someone else, I don't think this is the plan, she's been saying that she needs to be out on her own, living by herself, so she can "find herself ". I really feel that between the Menopause and the drinking, she's just freaking herself out. She needs to look long and hard at what she's doing and see it through eyes that aren't fogged by hormones and alcohol.

[mark982]

hatman, to try to get this marriage going she must get into aa or rehab. there is no buts about it.a alchy can not control their drinking no matter how much they profess they can.it greatly effects their thought process, yes i'm a alchy. always will be.but here's food for thought! do you want a alcholic in your son and your life?

[hatman]

I think it would be helpful if she stopped drinking, she claims that her drinking has been to hide her true feelings, and how unhappy she's been.

I just got off the phone with her, and the first thing she asked me is if I think she is wrong, I said that she has valid feelings and so do I. I'm finding it very hard to turn my feelings off.

She just called me again and she seems to be softening a bit, (hormones?) she wants us to meet with her therapist ( we've seen him together and individually before) to talk a few things over. I feel like a yo-yo on a string, up and down, yes and no, light and dark, heaven and hell.

I'm trying to be optimistic, but I have to face the reality that this might be it for us.

 

BTW she feels that I have been a wonderful father and a great husband, and when she told her friends what she was thinking of doing, they said " Why he's such a great person!" That's all well and good but it really doesn't matter what other people thing of me, if she isn't feeling it, it's meaningless.

[whichwayisup]

She has talked about going back to AA, but she feels that she has her drinking under control,

 

That's bullcrap. She is an alcoholic and she's making excuses. She needs to quit drinking completely and get her butt back into AA.

 

Atleast she's willing to go to counselling, that's a good thing. See how it goes and hopefully with more effort on her behalf, you'll want to save the marriage.

[TrustInYourself]

I think it would be helpful if she stopped drinking, she claims that her drinking has been to hide her true feelings, and how unhappy she's been.

I just got off the phone with her, and the first thing she asked me is if I think she is wrong, I said that she has valid feelings and so do I. I'm finding it very hard to turn my feelings off.

She just called me again and she seems to be softening a bit, (hormones?) she wants us to meet with her therapist ( we've seen him together and individually before) to talk a few things over. I feel like a yo-yo on a string, up and down, yes and no, light and dark, heaven and hell.

I'm trying to be optimistic, but I have to face the reality that this might be it for us.

 

BTW she feels that I have been a wonderful father and a great husband, and when she told her friends what she was thinking of doing, they said " Why he's such a great person!" That's all well and good but it really doesn't matter what other people thing of me, if she isn't feeling it, it's meaningless.

 

She didn't soften because of hormones. She softened because you agreed with her feelings and disarmed her anger. You sound like a very understanding and loving person. If she wants space, give it to her. However, your relationship will change forever afterwards. That can be positive and negative. It's a matter of how you approach change. Best wishes.

[Owl]

So what caused the CHANGE that happened in 2005 and has led up to now? What happened to make her suddenly become distant, move upstairs, and start drinking again?

 

There's a REASON in here somewhere...

[mark982]

want to lay odds on her drinking in the spare bedroom.

[hatman]

As far as the reasons for her initial departure thoughts, I have a few thoughts.

 

She felt that in the past I didn't show her enough affection, she didn't let me know about it until it seemed too late to do anything about it.

If you need a hug ask for one, I'm a sensitive guy, but I'm no mind reader, and her disposition became one to cause me to pull back not to go nearer. My fault/her fault.

 

I'm a gregarious person, I can talk to anybody, give me a room full of strangers and I'll leave with 2 new friends. She can be very shy and quiet. She has told me that my personality is " Too big ", I'm still trying to find a way to make my personality "Smaller".

 

She loves me but isn't sure that she's " In love with me".

This seems to change on a quarterly basis.

 

When we met she had a 4 year old son, I became his dad, and I love him as any father would, biological or not. I spent countless hours and many weekends with him playing competitive soccer for 10 years, I think that there may be resentment because I can communicate better with him than she can, It's just a guy thing, and they are too much alike.

 

These are just a few things off the top of my head.

As far as her sneaking alcohol, she has had a sniff a few times after work, but generally she is a "social drinker", she lacks the shut-off valve though, and sometimes, not always, her consumption gets ahead of her metabolism.

I don't think there is any one or two things that you could pinpoint and say " That's the problem!", she has baggage from her past like we all do.

Her father ran off with her best friend's mom when she was young, she has deep seated anger with her mother and brother.

 

I just hope that she will be willing to attend counseling with me and try to work on ourselves, and the marriage.

[Owl]

Have you considered whether or not there's someone taking your place in her life?

[hatman]

She says she wants to be on her own to "find herself", maybe she thinks she's a lesbian, seriously!

This morning she called me after I left the house, she was crying and said that she misses me. Talk about your mixed messages, she wants it both ways, she wants to be on her own, but still wants to be close friends, I don't know if I'm really ready to grasp that concept yet. I intend to be nice to her, we have to be good parents to our son. But I'm having trouble really letting go of her completely, and still being her friend. I guess I need some time to process all of the things that this situation is bringing forward. Financially this is going to be a nightmare for us, I'm trying to figure out how to keep the house for my son and I, she wants her own apartment, and my son and I are going to live together as it stands now. This really sucks! I'm angry today, not sure if I'm angry at her, myself, or the whole frickin' situation.

[angryyoungman70]

Hatman, it sounds like your wife may be punishing herself for long standing issues that she might have about herself. A troubled upbringing and bad blood between family can manifest as self-destructive behavior. It can be extremely difficult to just be "good friends" with someone you shared a life with for so long. The mixed bag of emotions you are dealing with will certainly leave you confused, hurt, and frustrated.

 

Give it some time and try to focus on growing as an individual. Get out and get some excercise, keep in touch with friends, and try to focus on the present and what you can do to make your own life more rewarding.

 

Your wife will always be a part of your life, as you have children together. Although it still may be a bit fuzzy, try to envision what kind of relationship you would prefer to have with your wife and start building on it.

 

I can understand where you are at...I'm a couple of weeks away myself from moving out, and becoming officially seperated from my wife of 14 years.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[hatman]

Third phone call from her today, she was crying again, she said she's feeling very confused and scared, I told her thats to be expected, and tried to be re-assuring and supportive. She thanked me and told me how wonderful I've been to her, I said that she can call me anytime, and I'll listen to her. She thinks that she may be PMS-ing, and feeling very bad. I was careful about what I said but basically said that this is a tough time for both of us, and that we need to take it slowly, and not worry about the past, just whats in front of us, or in the present. I hope this is the right thing, I feel that is is. I asked about dinner tonight and suggested we have a simple dinner at home and watch some TV together. I also told her that I would give her a hug when I see her, I am being very cautious about physical contact. I don't want her or myself to get the wrong impression. I hope that we can work through this as we have in the past, I am just worried about a repeating pattern emerging. I'm still not ruling out the possibility that allot of her emotional ups and downs aren't due to her age (50) she is taking Lexapro in a very small dose (she is 5' tall and 108lbs) she has had trouble with meds making her too drowsy or putting on weight, so she takes as little as she can, I don't know that is really an effective way to medicate. I Could be 100% wrong about that having anything to do with her moods.

Still hanging in there, trying to do my best for myself, her, and our son.

I appreciate the replies and the support, this is taking a toll on me, but knowing that there are people out there who are, or have been in a similar situation, makes me feel less like I'm going through this all alone.

Thanks again!

[TrustInYourself]

The doctor determines dosages. Not your wife.

 

What do you want? Follow through.

[hatman]

Restless night last night, had to force myself not to go down to the spare room where she's sleeping, felt very anxious, panicky, sad. I don't think I want to let her see me like that. We are going to see the shrink today, not sure what to expect, she's seen him a bit this last year, I haven't seen him in over a year. She was the weekend off, she hinted that she might want to spend some time together, hmmmmm, not sure how to react to that, not sure where I stand, not sure of anything right now, I hope that she's feeling unsure also, especially about her moving out. I think that she thinks that if she moves out and lives on her own that she will have some kind of epiphany one way or the other. I have to face the idea that she may be gone and I have to start over, very scary, not to mention the feeling of rejection and not being loved.

[hatman]

Heavy session with the psychologist, she cried alot, I expressed my anger and frustration. We left feeling that we are pretty much going to get a divorce. We talked on the ride home and laughed alot, she is still having doubts that she is making the right decision, I told her that I would continue to be understanding and supportive, and she said that she would try to understand that my anger is not all about her, it's just anger about the situation, I still struggle with that myself, but I need to let her know I'm mostly just projecting my anger, it's not directed at her. We sat out on our deck and talked and laughed, both of us feeling better about getting it out with the phsyc., we watched some TV and retreated to our separate rooms. About 4:30 am she came into our old bedroom I asked her if she was OK, she said she had a headache, and her stomach felt bad, I got her some Tylenol and she laid next to me and snuggled. I was still half asleep but I welcomed the contact, we talked a little, she seemed to feel better and I drifted off to sleep. I am awakened at 6:00 am by her, she is placing my hand on her breast, I retreated and said "Do you think that's a good idea?", she said she didn't know but she kept at it, I was still half asleep and I let my testosterone get in the way of my better sense and we made love. It was a little awkward and I think she may have regretted it after, I said " we may have made a mistake, but let's look ahead and not focus on it too much." When I left the house she seemed a little upset, I told her to call me if she needed to talk. I am not giving up 100% yet, but I need to be realistic about the chances that we will end up splitting up, I am willing to invest time and energy into becoming a better person myself, and doing everything we can to try to work our relationship out, wherever that may be.

Glimmers of hope, glimmers of doubt, but at least there's light somewhere.

[TrustInYourself]

Heavy session with the psychologist, she cried alot, I expressed my anger and frustration. We left feeling that we are pretty much going to get a divorce. We talked on the ride home and laughed alot, she is still having doubts that she is making the right decision, I told her that I would continue to be understanding and supportive, and she said that she would try to understand that my anger is not all about her, it's just anger about the situation, I still struggle with that myself, but I need to let her know I'm mostly just projecting my anger, it's not directed at her. We sat out on our deck and talked and laughed, both of us feeling better about getting it out with the phsyc., we watched some TV and retreated to our separate rooms. About 4:30 am she came into our old bedroom I asked her if she was OK, she said she had a headache, and her stomach felt bad, I got her some Tylenol and she laid next to me and snuggled. I was still half asleep but I welcomed the contact, we talked a little, she seemed to feel better and I drifted off to sleep. I am awakened at 6:00 am by her, she is placing my hand on her breast, I retreated and said "Do you think that's a good idea?", she said she didn't know but she kept at it, I was still half asleep and I let my testosterone get in the way of my better sense and we made love. It was a little awkward and I think she may have regretted it after, I said " we may have made a mistake, but let's look ahead and not focus on it too much." When I left the house she seemed a little upset, I told her to call me if she needed to talk. I am not giving up 100% yet, but I need to be realistic about the chances that we will end up splitting up, I am willing to invest time and energy into becoming a better person myself, and doing everything we can to try to work our relationship out, wherever that may be.

Glimmers of hope, glimmers of doubt, but at least there's light somewhere.

 

We make our fate. The strong and loving are the ones who decide what happens. Think on that. People can change, but that doesn't mean love has to end. It just has to change as well.

[hatman]

Rough night last night, slept till 2:30 then was up till 4:00, feeling anxious, and pretty angry about the situation, I guess I'm angry at her too. She wants to get her own place for a while, "6mos, a year?" and wanted to know if after a while, we could " Go out on dates together ", I told her that until we reach that point, and I know how I feel, I can't say that it would even be possible for us to " Date each other ". I am in a dark place this morning, I'm hoping my mood will improve, feel like buying a pack of cigarettes, but maybe I'll leave work early and go for a run, I've been slacking off since my father past away almost 2 years ago. Man does this suck !!!!!!!!!

[hatman]

This day is really dragging on, I'm having trouble staying focused, I can't seem to turn my mind off from the thoughts of her leaving. We have had so much fun together, we are great travel companions, love fine dinning, and we ride motorcycles together. She says that she's going to hate to lose her " Riding Buddie", I don't want to lose mine either, I really wish that there was a way I could fix this, but I know that is not possible, this is about her, and what she is feeling, (or not feeling for me) it has almost nothing to do with me, I'm just having trouble with all of the feelings of loss. No one thing is going to fix this, and to me that is the most frustrating part, I have spend most of my life fixing things, and this is something that I just can't fix. I feel like I'm drowning, and my life preserver is the thing trying to hold me under water. She has been such a big part of my life for so long, and now I feel betrayal, humiliation, sadness, loss, hopelessness, ect... My wife would be the first person I would turn to for support in a crisis, but now she's the crisis, I need some reassurance that I'm not going to go crazy, I'm really losing it today, and I'm trying to act normal at work! I need to get out of here!

[imagine]

I am skeptical of your psychologist. Is he pro-marriage?

 

I would also love to know if your wife is testing the validity of her decision. Maybe it needs a nudge from an outside source to persuade her that she is making an error.

 

While she is busy making up her mind - make yourself look damn good without coming off as a fake.