Dealing with insecurity

[Farawayfromyoutoo]

Hi all,

 

I have been in a relationship with my bf for 3 1/2 months now. I feel quite insecure at times, can't seem to trust him and question him about things too often (i.e. "oh so you surf the web for porn?", "oh you own porn on DVD?", "oh so you "jack off" when I'm not around", "oh you like to look at women as they pass us on the street (even turns his head at times)", "oh so you flirt to gain something from that person, i.e. better service, whatever", "oh and you like threesomes", etc...).

 

This is so different to last my bf where everything was sooo easy, so familiar. I like the differences but I feel insecure and I just want to know if anyone can tell/help me with how to deal with it. I was like this when I was in my twenties. I never thought I would have to deal with this again in my thirties. I never felt this way in my previous relationship of 6 years. Never! But then in the previous relationship I held more power in the relationship, not much more, but still more. Here I don't. But here, there is more passion than the last (by far ), it's exciting, beautiful but there is this nagging insecurity which is causing arguments, big ones even and he worries about how to deal with me cause we're both strong-minded people, intense, so you can imagine how we both won't let the other stomp on us too easily, we'll put up a fight first before we back down). I feel like I'm pushing him away. He says I haven't but he did say it scared him a little and worried him (i.e. that I may not stick around, and just walk away one day cause my mind is made up...I'm not like that, but that's what he perceives). He's gf left him, it devasted him, I left my last partner, he knows this...makes him a bit weary I guess.

 

Part of this insecurity is that I don't want to get hurt, who does! But I got really hurt just 10 months ago, really, really bad (sent me into a terrible depression and I almost lost my mind ...) and I still feel the anxiety from that now. My bf loves me, tells me all the time, shows me with lots of kisses and hugs, but it's like I need constant re-assurance and it's driving me mad (and him at times, he's put up with a lot in a short time already, which tells me he must love me but then my neurotic, cynical, mind would also say that because anything is possible he might be with me because he doesn't want to be alone and that I am better-than-nothing for the time being).

 

I'm a roller-coaster ride that I can't seem to get off of. He is very open with me (he is an Objectivist). I accept him for who he is and would never dream of changing him but I have an idealistic view of how a relatiohship should be and I know it's not real. But I have to find a balance. I'm struggling to do that, I think too much and because anything is possible, I can't trust. I hate it. I want to calm down, relax. I need to let go a bit and stop holding on so tight. I love him sooo much! But when will I relax? Or will I ever with him?

 

Sorry this is so long .

 

Thanks for listening

FAFYT

[frustrated]

Dear FAFYT,

 

Oh my god! I so have the same feeling that you're feeling. I'm in pretty much the same situation as you except that my boyfriend and I have been going out for over 1 year now. I am 31. And I feel very frustrated that I'm feeling this way. I love my bf very much too, and so does he. But this has been a problem although we don't talk about it much. I don't like myself reacting that way. But just like you, it bothers me a lot when I find my bf checking out other women (which he does not do often), or if I find that he's looking at porn. It really bothers me a lot. I don't know what to do about it. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one feeling that way.

 

Frustrated.

[Goatsbreath]

Well, as a guy. Ok just listen. You are having jealous thoughts over things that do not exist. It seems senseless to invest all that worrying into "what if my boyfriend is looking at porn."

What does it matter. Its like anything else in life. You buy a new car and for the first few months you drive around all excited. Then you start to see other cars come out and you say hey, thats a nice car. But then you keep driving your car because thats the one you invested money into (RElationship you invest alot more- --time, feelings, love and theres no depriciaton value unless ofcourse your girlfriend keeps nagging you about stupid stuff. Guys really don't view that stuff as cheating either. Theres no display of feelings there, nobody else except your boyfriend is sharing the moment and feels anything except for him. Now cheating is all together diffirent. Then you have reasons to be insecure. All that stuff you said are just things alot of guys do and it really dont change how they feel about you. SOrry for the guy like opinion but I am a guy......

[frustrated]

Hi Goatsbreath,

 

Thanks for your post. It's nice to hear it from a guy's point of view. I guess that's one of the fundamental difference between men and women. But you see, this is how many women feel about it...it's hard to compete with other images on media and/or porn. Obviously, a car would not mind if its owner buy another car or drive another car. But we feel like we're being compared. Does it bother you if you were to see your girlfriend masterbating to Playgirl's magazine?

 

Frustrated

[sunnie23]

love the car/relationship metaphor.

 

You buy a new car and for the first few months you drive around all excited. Then you start to see other cars come out and you say hey, thats a nice car. But then you keep driving your car because thats the one you invested money into (RElationship you invest alot more- --time, feelings, love and theres no depriciaton value unless ofcourse your girlfriend keeps nagging you about stupid stuff

[Farawayfromyoutoo]

Dear Frustrated,

 

Sorry it has taken a while to reply back. Your email address got removed so I couldn't reply directly to you. We shouldn’t be feeling this at our age, I don’t think. What we need to think about is where is this coming from? Why are we feeling this way and is it justified? What I have done since writing to this post is to let go a little bit and stop holding on so tightly. We need to remember who we were before this insecurity began. I am a strong confident woman and I remind myself of this and it helps a lot. I also need to trust him more. I don’t trust very easily, my world has been shaken too many times for me to trust easily. But he is my boyfriend and he loves me and I love him.

 

Why does it bother you if he looks at other women? What else is he doing? And when did you begin feeling insecure? Tell me more about where these feelings are coming from. Dig deep, because the ‘real’ issues are never on the surface. Are you confident with yourself, your appearance? You need to be honest with yourself. And is he just being more honest with you than other boyfriends have been in the past? For example, if he admits to these things and he is open with you, should it not be ultimately better? In other words, if he can be so open with you and he trusts and loves you incredibly, he can share more of himself with you and that may include sharing things that most men do (whether we females like it or not). And what do men do? Yep, they continue to masturbate even though they’re in a relationship, they like porn (I have met some really moralistic men who do look at other women, even though they’re married, surf for Porn,etc…). So we can accept them for who they are knowing that these things are not going to threaten our relationships. Talk to him about it, openly and honestly. It will make you feel better. It does take time to accept these revelations, though, so don’t except things to clear up over night. What’s the alternative, the perfect man? He isn’t out there! What does you boyfriend offer you that no else has? It’s unfortunate that we tend to forget about the things that are really important and dwell on the things are least important. Really, we do this, it is human nature to be negative but by being more aware we can get over these issues. I hope this helps.

 

FAFYT

[Farawayfromyoutoo]

Goatsbreath,

 

Thanks for your input. I have been feeling terribly naïve because my partner from my last long term relationship of 6 years didn’t discuss these things with me. I began to think in idealistic ways and now I’m having to change that train of thought as I learn more about my new partner and men in general. Hey it’s not entirely his fault either, I just didn’t have to open my eyes while I was with him and that idealistic relationship failed eventually cause the ‘ideals’ could not be sustained.

 

Frustrated, did you catch your boyfriend playing with himself to Playboy? Although this wouldn’t be pleasant to come across, I don’t think he would do this on purpose. As for a guy catching his girlfriend playing with herself while looking at Porn, most men would probably dig this (IF they are confident in themselves, that is). We need to be honest with ourselves and admit that we are human and we like variety and there’s nothing to be ashamed of or concerned unless we act on them. Cheating, well, there is no place for this in a relationship, not at all!!!! But looking at other people, surfing for porn on the odd occasion, discussing fantasies with girlfriends, it’s just fun and shouldn’t be a threat, it’s harmless! Suppressing these things is not healthy and denying that we don’t fantasise about other people from time to time (especially when you’ve been in a relationship for quite some time) is dishonest (no matter what we would like to believe and we can’t have our cake and eat it too). Frustrated, you and I need to learn to accept and not to feel threatened. I think I hit a wall when I posted this and I’ve bounced back. I’ve thought deeply about things and have had some conversations with my boyfriend about this, other male friends, girlfriends. It’s all good! Better in fact! If you can’t get over it, then maybe he isn’t the one for you. But before you even contemplate this, think about what it is you want! We can’t have everything!

 

And Goatsbreath thanks for pointing out ‘nagging’ as the cause of depreciation. I agree and we just need to learn to trust.

 

FAFTY

[Goatsbreath]

I think thats most important Faraway- what you said- realizing its not a threat. I think its probably healthy to fantisize. I dont know why we have to masturbate while were in a realationship but we do. Some girls start to feel insecure about this- like they are not enough but I assure you, this is not it. Atleast it has never been the issue with me or any guy I have talked with. Its just sometimes you want to live the next few hours of your life without your penis messing up your thinking. Plenty of times I have thought about my girlfriend during, like our last sexual encounter or something. Or one in paticualr I really enjoyed. Its like practice or something.

 

Frustrated- If I did catch her looking at porn I would ask if I could stand in and assist for a while sense Im conviently there.

[Farawayfromyoutoo]

Thank you, Goatsbreath, for all your input. I really appreciate a male’s perspective because let’s face it, men and women are different. And the more I learn, the better I feel. I find this all very interesting and as I gain awareness, I realise how good I have things. I may not like what I hear initially, but I appreciate the honesty and openness of my partner and I learn to accept based on what I believe it is right. My boyfriend and I have communicated about these things and I feel so much better for it. There are no questions and now I’m not bothered by it. I understand, which is key for me, I have to understand! Once again, as mentioned earlier, I’m letting go a bit, gaining my independence back and remembering what a strong and beautiful woman I am. I am enough for him and I have no reason to feel threatened.

 

So why did I feel so helpless two weeks ago? A lot has happened since then J The main thing is to communicate, get it out and talk about it with friends, here (Thank you all) and with your partner. And when discussing things with your partner, be strong and ask questions, don’t assume or presume anything. Let him speak and let him answer. You know, at the end of the day, if they’re going to leave us for whatever reason, well then they are! And who wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you! I don’t. It’s dishonest to live that way. I can’t live that way, nor should anyone else. We deserve more from life.

 

Frustrated, I hope all of this has helped. If there is anything unclear, be sure to ask.

[Natalie]

Hi there,

 

I live all by myself and at times do feel like watching a porn movie. My boyfriend knows that I have some of those dirty movies on the shelf and believe it or not, he sometimes feels like watching them too. I then being tired of seeing the same movies over again, just lay next to him and take a peek once in a while to see what catches his attention, since he keeps on fast forwarding those tapes. He usually ends up in my arms and making sweet love to me the same way as in the movies.

 

My advice to you is not be jealous or insecure about your boyfriend reading those books. If my boyfriend would do the same to me, I would sit on his lap and make passionate love all over those naked pictures...