cybersmurf Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 10 days ago, my girlfriend and I almost break up because of our frequents mutual disagreement. Until three months now, we were having a lot of small disgreements. They were not ''real fights'', those were just arguing on some irrelevant subjects that I brough in sometimes. I tought maybe it was normal for us to adjust after 8 months of relationship. However, I was not patient with her the last week we were together, and I admit I have pushed the limit highter. She was way tired of discussing that evening when we ot a strange fight and she asked for a long break. That, because I thought it was too fast to break up totally. I saw her the next morning and she was totally turning herself away from me, still asking me for a reflexion period. I tell her I love her and asked her to call me back as soon as she is ready. I fell it was already over this morning. I was pretty sad, because I went at her home to make things look brighter and to let her go start her 2 weeks break in a positive mood instead of the bad state of heart we were both on the evening we broke up. I let her begging her to think about us again. This was not my kind of behavior with her before ! I really love her so I think i was the right thing to do. However, I think begging her was not really the best move to get her back. We were both really much in love in spite of those little lowdowns. She was a little bit more independant than me, but I was adjusting myself recently. She was making great efforts in a way she never does to stay with me. I love her way to much to loose her love and our couple under these circumstance. After a lot of talks with my friends, and a week and a half of break, I have 4 options now : 1 - Wait until she call me back (she could already have done this, and i'm affraid she is not gonna do this... it's sad, cause it means she doesn't care a lot about loosing me). This is the worst option, acording to me and my friend. 2 - Try to see her now, before it's too late and she started her new life without me. Avoid to talk about the past and try to see if she is already moved away from me. Maybe a risky one. But i would know the truth. 3 - Wait until the 2 complete weeks before calling her back. I think it would really be catastrophic. First, she is moving fast away from me (she didn't not called me yet.. so I suppose). And next, it doesn't make a difference to call her now, since she may already have made her choice. 1 week and a half is enought to see if you miss someone. And I have to care about myself. It's getting pretty difficult for me to live in the doubt of being with her again or not. She would probably be happy to see me back if she still have feelings for me. 4 - Write a positive email to her now, wait until i get a reply. This could be a good intermediate option. She will not be pressurize to write me back. But it means bringing up the relation on the table again. It could be repelling. Fell free to ask question for helping my case Thanks for your thoughts Link to post Share on other sites
troselli80 Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 Im in somewhat of the same situation.This is what i did it might help you but i dont know. when my ex told me we "needed a break" after being in a 2 1/2 year relaionship i was devestated. He had told me that he still loved me and wanted to marry me but right now he could not be with me he needed to experiance other things. all of my friends told me to forget him and move on, but i couldnt. i called him a few days later but he would not really talk to me, would not really explain to me the what was going on. unsatisfied i drove out to his house a week later. i drove out there to get the truth, to find out what had really happened. when i went out there i had a clear head and kept telling myself were not getting back together, i just want to know why. i feel that for me driving out there was the best thing i could have done. although we are still on a break and he is now with someone else talking to him on person i found out things i would have never been able to find out over the phone. i got all the answers i needed by going out there and it brought closure to the situation. although i still have hopes of getting back togerher one day for now i have content and have closure. since driving out there he has emailed me and called me a few times to see how im doing. in the begining i would answer the phone and respond to the emails but lately i havent and therefore he hasnt called me. i thin kyou need to get closure on the situation so you can put it past you. if you want to drive out there or call her then do it. dont listen to what your friends say do what you think is right in your heart. if i didnt go see him i dont think i would have been able to move on i still would have been crying everyday asking myself why, but now i know why. although i still am heartbroken i am at ease now and you need to be also. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja Extrordinaire Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 As soon as someone says to me "We need a break", Im already looking for the door. I've never understood the reason for breaks, except for married folks (they have alot more riding on their marriage). My personal opinon is that breaks are a way of seeing how you affect another person. I mean that if I took a break from a girl, and she doesn't even really care, than I would know that it's pointless to continue with her. On the other hand, if you take a break, and they are goin through pretty much what your post is about, than you know that the person is dependant on you. For some odd reason (I guess human nature) some relationships turn into power struggles. When I broke up recently with my GF, she seems to harbouring resentment towards me because I broke up with her (she's one of those pride types). Me personally, I could care less who dumps who, because to me, I know things will move on eventually regardless of whether or not I didn't want to break up or Im thankful im out of that situation. As for your situation, wait the two weeks. I know it will suck beyond what any words I can say to you. But *IF* she has it in her head that she no longer wants a relationship with you, you don't have much of a choice in the matter. Write her a email, if you want, but don't go into any kind of begging or stuff bout the relationship, begging doesn't turn many girls cranks. I've been in your shoes before, trust me. I personally never do the break thing, I tell them it's either yes you want to be with me, or no, good luck in whatever you do, and try in time to become friends. Either way, I wish you luck and hope that things to go your way! Link to post Share on other sites
maui2k4 Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 About three weeks ago my girlfriend (32) and I (31) of about a year (on and off) broke up because she said she needed "time" and was not ready for a serious commitment. So for the last few weeks I have not done the right thing and did call her on occasion and send emails about how I missed her and wished things were different. I know the result of that was probably just pushing her further away. So Friday I finally sucked it up and when she said she will call me this week on Instant Messenger, I stopped contacting her. I have wanted to call and email all weekend, but I did not. I want to try and give the time thing a chance and either she will come back (unlikely - I know) or I will adjust to her being gone and not communicating with her. I have been tempted to write her a note saying I hope she has had a fun weekend, but then I thought that would be weak and I would look like I am not giving her time. I know I need to give myself time to get over her as well. It sucks badly to not hear from her, but since I have gone two days I know I can go the rest of the week. It will not be easy at all, but I will keep my promise to myself to back away. We did not have any nasty arguments or burn any bridges over the last few weeks. I know the liklihood of it working out are probably slim, but I can still hope for now and will give no communication a chance to see if she gets in touch with me like she said she would... Any other advice??? Is this the right thing to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja Extrordinaire Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 I think your doing the right thing. Keep free of contact with her, concentrate on you and things YOU want to do. I find you have to think realisticaly. If she wants time, give her the time free of what you might think. You'd be suprised that maybe when she finally comes to her senses about what she wants, YOU might have already moved on and found someone else, or your feelings for her might of changed. Stay strong. Keep yourself busy doing things you want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
maui2k4 Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 Letting her have what she has asked for will result in one of two things. She will either realize she does want me in her life or she will not contact me and I will move on and get used to her not being in my life... It is a very hard thing to do - backing away and giving her the space I mean. I realize the outcome will only be positive one way or the other, but it does not make me miss her any less. I know I have to focus on things other than her and live my life as if she were not part of it (which at this point she is not). I will post some updates to see how things progress, but getting through the next week without calling or emailing her will be a plus for me - very difficult, but I will do it... I will never move on or get her back if I try to get in touch with her... If I caved in after two days of no contact, I would be right back to square one... Just sucks missing her... Link to post Share on other sites
maui2k4 Posted August 13, 2003 Share Posted August 13, 2003 Well, I was doing well until last night when I saw my ex driving and I ended up calling her. We spoke and it was ok, but she was distant. Of course I did the next dumb thing and send her an IM when I got home followed up with an email about how I wished things were different... I know... I know... Not a good idea. I realize that totally. It is very hard though to let someone go that you honestly felt there was a future with. I have been through this before and I know life goes on, but it still sucks. She said on a response email that she will call me this week, but I wonder why or what that will accomplish. It has been 3 weeks since we broke up and so far it is not any easier than it was when we first broke up. I do know that if I finally get myself to not contact her at all I will be in a better position. I just need to listen to my own advice and stop contact and live life as though she does not exist. If I keep telling myself that I hope I listen to it... Link to post Share on other sites
greeneyes Posted August 13, 2003 Share Posted August 13, 2003 Does she not think that being with a person for over a year is not serious? I have only used the "needing time" line to one person and I ended up hurting them even more than if I would of just broke off the relationship in the beginning. I personally would rather have the person be honest with me and to let me know that they no longer want to be in a relationship with me. I know it is easier said than done. But, it will get easier. Sitting home waiting on a phone call or e-mail is only going to make you more frustrated about things. And if she does call let your answering machine pick up! Take care and stay busy. Link to post Share on other sites
maui2k4 Posted August 13, 2003 Share Posted August 13, 2003 Can anyone give me a reason to talk to her when she calls after this email??? Should I tell her to just not call? "I know I am being distant and putting huge walls up. I need time to be on my own, and that is what I am trying to do. I do not want to hurt you any more than I already have, so the distance seems like the only solution. Please try to relax and do your own thing. I will call later this week." What is the point of calling me? If she needs time to be on her own, why even call me? Why f#$% with me like this? How should I respond to this? Link to post Share on other sites
greeneyes Posted August 13, 2003 Share Posted August 13, 2003 Exactly, what is the point? She is the one who needed the space. If she does call I would not return the call for a few days. And if she keeps calling back I would still wait a few days to return the call. Let her see how it feels to be kept waiting. Best of luck with everything. Link to post Share on other sites
maui2k4 Posted August 13, 2003 Share Posted August 13, 2003 While it would be hard to not answer the phone if she calls, talking to her will do me no good either. What will she call for? Because she feels guilty? To tell me she still needs more space and distance? I see no point in calling me if she is the one needing space. It just makes no sense and only makes it harder on me putting me in the waiting game. Soon enough I will get rid of the rose colored glasses and realize how she is treating me. Link to post Share on other sites
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