Should I cold-shoulder my ex?

[absolution]

So a month ago, my live-in gf dumped me and Im staying with friends. Of course, I spent about a week begging her to get back together with me, but she said she needed space. Yet she still likes talking to me.

 

Now..its been about a month, and we still talk reguarly, mostly small talk. I feel like she still sees me as a bff or something.

 

1.)Is it a mistake to chit chat about mundane **** on the phone with your ex?

 

And last weekend we decided to go out. We hung out, we had really good chemistry, even started getting touchy feely (hand holding and other stuff) while we were out, and then we kissed a few times back at her house.

 

The next day, we talk on the phone and she says she doesnt want to give me the wrong idea, and that she doesnt want to get back together, and that she doesnt want to be in a relationship and if we continue to see each other, then we would also be able to see other people.

 

She also called me again last night after 10 to just say "good night".

 

 

So. Im wondering if

 

A.)She is interested in someone else, and Im some kind of back-up plan now.

 

or

 

B.) She is torn between if she should let me go and move on or not.

 

I also dont know how to react. I want to be with her, and want her to myself,and want to fix the problems we had before. HALP!

[4dviceJunki3]

RED FLAG!!! RED FLAGG!!

 

You need to be the stronger person in this situation and back off. Completely take a step back and don't let her fool you.

 

She's just toying with you because she was the one that dumped you, and you came back begging to get back together so she knows that she can pull you around on a string. Any girl in the right state of mind and who would want a correct and normal break-up knows not to get in contact with her ex after she dumps him. The contact is just going to complicate things for you. It seems as if she has already moved on if she's able to so comfortably tell you that nothing is going to happen with you two ever.

 

You need to just let her know that since there is nothing that is going to happen, and that you need time to get over her, you're not going to speak to her..matter of a fact..just don't talk to her at all. As much as your heart wants to do it, you need to fight it and be strong. Because if you give in every time, you will end up constantly having that heartache with you.

 

Move on! Talk to others and meet new girls! For all you know, she may just be testing your waters to see how much you care and how far you will go to fight for her. Don't let her fool you around like that. Holding hands, kissing and all that stuff AFTER a break-up!? No way! Any person in the right state of mind knows that's just wrong!

[absolution]

 

 

You need to just let her know that since there is nothing that is going to happen, and that you need time to get over her, you're not going to speak to her..matter of a fact..just don't talk to her at all. As much as your heart wants to do it, you need to fight it and be strong. Because if you give in every time, you will end up constantly having that heartache with you.

 

Thats what im worried about. Im worried that if she gets what she wants, which is seemingly a bff and someone to run to when shes bored or lonely or whatnot. But im also worried that if I cut off all ties, I wont hear from her again :[

[wareagle]

You need to go NC with this chick ASAP!!! She is trying to mind **** you!!! She want's to see if the grass is greener on the other side, and if it isn't she want's you to be her backup plan! Are you comfortable with being second best?

[4dviceJunki3]

Exactly!

 

You need to not let your emotions get involved in making the decision on whether keeping her around or not. If she was worth having as a friend, she wouldn't do that to you, trust me!

 

She's not worth it brother! You can find better out there..you can find someone that will satisfy you and won't let you down like this even when times are sour between the two of you. This chick just seems to be taking advantage of you and she's keeping you around for back-up. Doesn't that make you sick to your stomach? Knowing that you want to give the world to someone who would only walk down your road when she had no other to walk on?

 

Let her go! Move on! As hard as it is because of your heart broken feelings, you have to always know that there will be a brighter side to every dark day. It's crazy that before, guys used to be the heartbreakers but recently I've been seeing a lot more of guys hearts get broken than girls; just sad.

 

When my relationship goes downhill, I actually look forward to something the girl does so that I can use that as leverage to get over her. In your case, you have this opportunity to move past the situation. She is simply d*ckin you around and you need to realize that; she's not treating you well brother! You need to convince yourself that you deserve better and you do!

[0hpenelope]

Cold-shoulder? As in, to actually put in energy or a conscious effort on anything that involves the ex?

 

I wouldn't even go out of my way to do that for mine.

[absolution]

Im stuck right now. I like the idea of talking to her, and I like the idea of seeing her. I keep thinking that if I just play it cool, and limit how many of her calls I take (and eliminating the majority of the ones I make to her) and let her see that I dont really need her maybe that will work? Im confused as all hell....

[ellen24]

yes, this situation is very confusing. I am in a similar situation right now and have been posting crazy threads about whether or not i believe in no-contact , and doing exactly what you are doing - lmiting calls, goign out with him, when he initiates the calls,etc... then my later threads were abotu why that was too hard b/c he ws hot and cold and i had to go no-contact. well i have since broken NC, b/c i am too weak too not pick up when he calls.... but to tell you the truth, being where you are and i am, sucks.... it is so ahrd to ahve to monitor what you say and do, how many times you call someone, who hangs first, etc with someone that was once your best friend and you never had to think twice about you called you first, or if you siad the wrong thing...

tonight my ex texted and asked when i would be home. i said soon. he said call you later. that was hours ago... no call.

 

i am working my way upt to NC since as carhill has said, then the little crap they pull can no longer phase you...

 

it is very, very hard and i bet a lot of people on this site who say they are goign NC, fail, like i did, but you do have to try.... i alwasy felt my ex could never "use me" or string me along, but all is fair in love and war and that is exactly what he is doing right now. i believe my ex still cares about me, still loves me even, as i am sure your does, which is why they don't want to lose us completly. they want to know we are sill theere, while they move on... this past weekend my ex called my at 3 am on friday night, "to see what i was doing". not even to come over, but just to see that i was home.... If he really cared, i would have been with him on friday night. then on saturday night, texted mat at 1 am, saying "where are you?" , knowing that i was a party.. i called him when i got it. HE DIDN"T PICK UP.

 

like you, i though seeing him and having light conversation would make me happy, but it makes me miserable instead.... this weekend i am going out on a date, even though it was the last thing i though i would want. time to move on. we were together 5 1/2 years, but whatever he felt in the past, he no longer feels.

[absolution]

Yeah, Thanks for the post Ellen. I hear ya. She tried calling me last night, and I didnt answer. Im not trying to go completley NC on her, but im trying to gain control of the situation. I feel like if I can start making her dance to the beat of my drum than things are going to change. Either she'll wake up, or It'll at least make me feel better knowing im not acting pathetic, which imo is the first step I have to take to get over everything.

[vivrantflo]

she said she needed space.

 

It's over. Whenever a woman says this to a man, it's alllll over. AND it means she has her eyes on another man. Sucks, but it's true.

 

 

 

 

Now..its been about a month, and we still talk reguarly, mostly small talk. I feel like she still sees me as a bff or something.

 

Stop talking to her. You're not her girlfriend. She can talk to her girls if she wants conversation. Stop being a doormat.

 

 

 

1.)Is it a mistake to chit chat about mundane **** on the phone with your ex?

 

If you want her back... yes. You're making it easier for her to move on to someone else.

 

 

We hung out, we had really good chemistry, even started getting touchy feely (hand holding and other stuff) while we were out, and then we kissed a few times back at her house.

 

This means nothing. She's still attached to you, so she's taking advantage of the fact that you still love her. She's selfish, and you're being a pushover.

 

 

 

we talk on the phone and she says she doesnt want to give me the wrong idea, and that she doesnt want to get back together, and that she doesnt want to be in a relationship and if we continue to see each other, then we would also be able to see other people.

 

Wow, at least she gave you the heads up. So she IS seeing someone else, or has her eyes on someone. NC. She just told you that she doesnt want to be in a relationship, and that whether you talk to her or not, she's gonna talk to other men. You should never talk to this chick again.

 

 

 

She also called me again last night after 10 to just say "good night".

 

This chick is stupid. She wants to keep you attached, just in case her new man doesn't work out. You're option B.

 

 

 

So. Im wondering if

 

A.)She is interested in someone else, and Im some kind of back-up plan now.

 

Bingo. So what you want to do, is remove yourself from this equation of being her back up plan. Ignore the hell out of her, and never respond to her contact again. She's gone, and you deserve someone much better than her.

 

 

 

I hear ya. She tried calling me last night, and I didnt answer. Im not trying to go completley NC on her, but im trying to gain control of the situation. I feel like if I can start making her dance to the beat of my drum than things are going to change.

 

Good job in not answering, but your intentions are skewed...you SHOULD go full NC on her. She's dating other guys... why do you want to be in her life? I don't understand that. Gaining control over the situation, is you getting over her, and moving on with your life... it's not attempting to have her change her mind, which she WONT do. Her mind is set on getting a new penis, and that won't change.. at least not right now, especially when she knows you're just around the corner waiting for her to come back.

 

F her..

 

Move on with your life, cause if you keep pining after her, and trying to get her back, it's gonna REALLY sting when you find out she's dating another dude... im telling you man.. NC and move on.

 

 

 

Either she'll wake up, or It'll at least make me feel better knowing im not acting pathetic, which imo is the first step I have to take to get over everything.

 

Yeah, she may wake up, but not when you think she will.. or could.. It may be months, years from now.. but hopefully by then, you'll be over her, and with someone better..

 

Go complete 100% NC.. if she ever wants you back, she knows how to find you.. so you might as well move on, live your life without her, and date other women...

[absolution]

Damn vivrantflo, A bit harsh, but I like it. And what you're saying is making sense. Its also pissing me off, which is going to be fuel for helping me ditch these feelings I have for someone who is probably happy with my suffering.

 

Thanks.

[badbrit]

Do not let the experience of others influence you.

 

Your ex is not vivrantflo's ex, they are different people and she may feel differently. Do what you think is right.

 

I will tell you one universal truth, if you meet all the emotional needs of a woman, satisfy them correctly without them feeling threatened by you wanting more then they do and show the traits that are attractive to a woman then you will not get screwed around. Simple, fulfil emotional needs perfectly and have some attraction between you and it is all sweet.

 

So all the guys who want to sit here and diss exes, wake up and realise that had you been fulfilling her needs in the correct way, she would not have left you. Make all the excuses you want, blame them as much as you want, it does not make it the truth.

 

Oh and vivrantflo, your situation was easily fixable if you had had the mental fortitude, patience, knowledge and understanding. She showed some buying signs but also that was not convinced of her purchase. That indicated that some boxes were ticked but not all of them. Rather than accept that and work on ticking some more boxes you tried to push her and that instead worked in the opposite way and unticked a previously ticked box.

[absolution]

Well, whats your advice for me then?

[badbrit]

I think that if you read my post again you will see the advice. It may not have been written as "do this....do that...try this...try that" but it was pretty clear what I feel works and what doesnt.

 

Up to you how important it is and whether it will be better for you to walk away or to patiently believe in it

[ryanrigney22]

Give her some space...Seriously. Sometimes you just need to step back and work on yourself to really get your ex to want you back.

 

As harsh as this may sound, don't sound pathetic, desperate, or anything that brings sympathy upon yourself.

 

Stay apart for a couple weeks then write her a handwritten letter explaining what you've been doing and apologizing if you have anything to apologize for.

 

Handwritten letters are so much more effective than emails, or texts, or calls because they are out of the ordinary.

[CaliGuy]

Im stuck right now. I like the idea of talking to her, and I like the idea of seeing her.

 

You're addicted to her, just like any drug and it's not allowing you to see things clearly.

 

I keep thinking that if I just play it cool, and limit how many of her calls I take (and eliminating the majority of the ones I make to her) and let her see that I dont really need her maybe that will work? Im confused as all hell....

 

You're trying to figure out ways to make her come back to you. The only outcome of such actions is to simply push her away for good. I really hate the idea of people waiting around for their Ex's to make a decision. How about YOU make a decision and instead of hanging around hoping she'll toss some breadcrumbs of her affection your way, you decide to break off all contact and move on?

 

What's the worst that can happen? She isn't coming back now and the more you pull her to come back, the more she will pull away. If you give her space, A LOT OF IT then that will give her time to figure out what she really wants.

 

But in the meantime, the best thing you can do is act like she's never coming back. Go hang out with friends, DATE (yes, hang out with other women but don't talk about your ex), hit the gym and dive into hobbies. Your mind will stay focused on her as long as you don’t keep it occupied with something else. Heck, start playing WOW (it definitely will occupy your mind, lol).

 

The point is, you can't sit around waiting for a decision to come. Instead, YOU need to act on what is in YOUR best interest here and that's not to wait. YOU move on with your life, whether she decides to come along with you or not. Confident, secure men do not wait around for someone's heart to change. These men move on with their lives and know that they alone are responsible for their wants, needs and happiness. Not someone else.

[seminoles84]

You're addicted to her, just like any drug and it's not allowing you to see things clearly.

 

Confident, secure men do not wait around for someone's heart to change. These men move on with their lives and know that they alone are responsible for their wants, needs and happiness. Not someone else.

 

This is brilliant. Gold star for you!

[nopainnogain]

I love you in the most non homosexual way:cool:

 

Your insight on life has helped me tremendously. I used to be s/n 82knightrider here and I remember when you recommended "no more mr. nice guy" . I went and bought it the next day.

Your advice is straight to the point . No BS .

[nopainnogain]

Confident, secure men do not wait around for someone's heart to change. These men move on with their lives and know that they alone are responsible for their wants, needs and happiness. Not someone else.

 

 

This is great. :thumbsup:

[SilverLining]

Look kid, don't go through your relationships thinking that the only way to have a successful love life is to 'fulfill someone's every emotional need'. You will get burnt out that way, and besides, it's completely impossible. It isn't about 'getting all the boxes checked' because I don't know about you, but I sure as hell don't have a list when I date a guy. It's not what you can do for your girlfriend, it's not how you avoid issues by being everything she could possibly want, especially because people's desires change as they mature. It's about communication and dedication to the relationship. It's about, when she decided things weren't working out, she had a choice - to work things out, or to break things off. She decided you weren't worth it. It sucks, but you know what? It isn't true. You ARE worth it, and your heartache shows that you are a very caring person who got screwed over. And even worse, it does sound like she is interested in seeing someone else, whether or not she has picked someone out or is already seeing him is anyone's guess.

 

I know it's the last thing that you want to hear, and it's the last thing that you want to do, but going NC will have a couple benefits for you - you need to detox from the situation, same as anyone would need to get over an addiction. This girl will get a real taste of what life would be like without you - something she has yet to experience. Either she will call you and ask for your forgiveness, or you will not care about her anymore.

 

You are way too awesome to grovel for someone who didn't want to stick it out with you, right? All the time you spend waiting on her and not trying to heal, is time that you are not finding someone who can really appreciate all of your amazing qualities. Let her go if she wants to go, because you deserve better and you will find better. And your next girlfriend will be so happy that you got over your ex and were available for her. And so will you.

[CaliGuy]

I love you in the most non homosexual way:cool:

 

Your insight on life has helped me tremendously. I used to be s/n 82knightrider here and I remember when you recommended "no more mr. nice guy" . I went and bought it the next day.

Your advice is straight to the point . No BS .

 

Thanks man and you're welcome. It's tough but you gotta do what you gotta do to move on with life. If you don't move forward, life will pass you by.

 

At 39, I'm in the best shape of my life. I look hot, my attitude is great and I fully expect one day Ms Right will walk through my door. It's simply a matter of time. I'm not going to stress about it one bit.

 

Attitude is everything and mine is getting better every day. Doesn't hurt that I can go out after work and have cute waitresses flirting with me muahaha.