olganom Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Well I have been with this girl for a while now. But my situation is, it seems like everytime I manage to say something stupid like being sacastic or moaning or say things out wrong. Ofc she gets hurt, I would too. But I have done it so many times now. I just dont know anymore, what can I do to not say stuff that will offend and upset her again? It dont only upset her, it makes me sad too, to think how big idiot i was, and what the hell was I thinking. Like last time she sent me a gift, a very nice one, with chocolate, dvds, nice card and a gift. And later on when we speak I ask about why the paper smelled like smoke, well i mgiht sound like i moaned. But Just made i seem like I really didnt like the gift at all. I really did applogize and said sorry and it did really ment alot to me, but it did upset her, becuase evertime i just moan and picking on something. :\ How can I change not to not do this? What can I do to make it up for her? I really badly need help on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Suiyobi Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Well, it could either be that she's an overly sensitive person, or the way you say things make it seem like you're actually serious (for example, you could have made the remark about the paper smelling like smoke in a serious way and not realize it). The only thing I can really say is start saying things in a more lighthearted fashion, you might even have to say, "I'm just kidding", definitely give her a genuine smile, and if none of these work then you can always apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Counseling or therapy, (even just a session or 2) could really help you. You could learn good communication techniques. An example is thought-stopping: basically meaning, think before your speak. She may feel that you don't think positive often enough; either about her or about the relationship. If it isn't that, maybe she has no sense of humor, or sensitive like someone said. Consider that before reacting to things, and see if something changes. If it does, keep at it. If not, there are still issues somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Just stop and think before you talk! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 sent me a gift, a very nice one, ... And later on when we speak I ask about why the paper smelled like smoke, Do your negative thoughts (and words) happen more often when you are on the receiving end of someone's kindness or generosity, or when something good and pleasant happens to you? Do others also complain of this tendency of yours? If so, one root problem might be that you do not feel that you are worthy and deserving of being loved, happy; having positive experiences, etc. Increasing your self-esteem will be easier with the help of a therapist. Or check one or both of the following links: http://www.coping.org/growth/esteem.htm http://www.coping.org/lowesteem/low.htm If the above doesn't seem to fit with your situation then, as others have already suggested, it is a matter of becoming aware of the impact of your words and actions on others, making the effort to gain control of your negative thoughts and words, and learning how to express your genuine dislikes, concerns, etc., in more effective, less harmful ways. But, NO...you are not a "big idiot". At worst, your thought patterns and communication skills are under-developed and leaning towards a negative instead of positive view. These are easily improved with effort and practice. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Being less hard on yourself is a good place to start. I do that, and it takes some skill to repress it, sometimes. You are not doing anything wrong, just learning. Link to post Share on other sites
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