would it be wrong?

[woulditbewrong]

I was in a long-term relationship that ended in August last year. I felt devastated when it ended and it has taken me about a year to heal and feel ready to date again.

 

A couple of months after the break-up I met a really lovely guy through a close friend. We were both really attracted to each other and liked him a lot. He was very clear that he wanted a relationship but unfortunately it was just too soon for me and I let him go but recently I have been feeling that I wish the timing had been different for us. I still have feelings for him.

 

Sadly for me though, he met someone else while I was off working myself out. They bought a house together. They both have kids from previous relationships and have blended them. Serious stuff!

 

Normally I would just let it go and move on. Too late! But what is so tempting and confusing is that he has always kept in touch and made it more than 100% clear that he is incredibly into me and wants to be with me. We have been in this permanent dance where he always wants to meet for coffees ... lunch ... drinks ... etc and I always say no and keep him at arms length. From what I can gather his girlfriend is pushing for a commitment from him but he keeps her at arms-length and says no... I suspect it is because he is in love/lust with me.

 

Finally I couldn't take it the endless requests so I relented and met him for lunch today. I felt the same feelings I have for him as always - and I know he felt it too. He was just looking at my face with a mix of love and desire and tenderness over the lunch table the whole time. It would be just so easy to steal him.

 

The thing is, no matter how I feel, I could just never do that. I could never lure him away, steal him or tempt him into cheating on this woman with me, especially since there are little children involved. I would never want a man who did that to someone either - huge burning red flag.

 

So what is the right thing for me to do? Should I just walk away and tell him not to contact me anymore? Or.. as I have been considering...would it be OK to just ask him to lay his cards down on the table? Ask him to consider whether he really loves this woman? To consider ending their relationship if he can't honestly agree that he does? And then to possibly be with me, in time, once the dust has settled and he feels clear about what he wants without anyone else in the picture?

 

Or would it be wrong of me to do that? Would that be basically stealing him away anyway?

 

Please feel free to judge, criticise etc - maybe I need a moral reality check. Or.. maybe this isn't so bad and I need to stop giving myself such a hard time. Please any advice would be gratefully accepted.

[Siphon9a]

The thing is, no matter how I feel, I could just never do that. I could never lure him away, steal him or tempt him into cheating on this woman with me, especially since there are little children involved. I would never want a man who did that to someone either - huge burning red flag.

 

You said it yourself in this paragraph. It's a huge buring red flag. Plus this guy has kids on both sides involved and a huge monetary investment. Are your feelings worth busting all that up? I mean the guy had to be happy with her at some point to go all through that. He should be focusing more on his kids and her and less with a side thing he is trying to start up. You, him, her and all the kids will end up in a big mess in the end with no one happy. Fine someone that has some kind of solid values and doesn't run around flirting with other women and going home to his girl. How would you feel if you were her?

 

Take it as a sign, he's not right if he's already having basically emotional affair by meeting up with you and having feelings even though he has someone at home. And you say you couldn't ever tempt him, well sweetie, you met up with him and looking at each other with puppy dog eyes across the table is temptation at it's best. So you've already started the ball rolling. Just stop it before it rolls off the cliff.

[Javelin]

I was in a long-term relationship that ended in August last year. I felt devastated when it ended and it has taken me about a year to heal and feel ready to date again.

 

A couple of months after the break-up I met a really lovely guy through a close friend. We were both really attracted to each other and liked him a lot. He was very clear that he wanted a relationship but unfortunately it was just too soon for me and I let him go but recently I have been feeling that I wish the timing had been different for us. I still have feelings for him.

 

Sadly for me though, he met someone else while I was off working myself out. They bought a house together. They both have kids from previous relationships and have blended them. Serious stuff!

 

Normally I would just let it go and move on. Too late! But what is so tempting and confusing is that he has always kept in touch and made it more than 100% clear that he is incredibly into me and wants to be with me. We have been in this permanent dance where he always wants to meet for coffees ... lunch ... drinks ... etc and I always say no and keep him at arms length. From what I can gather his girlfriend is pushing for a commitment from him but he keeps her at arms-length and says no... I suspect it is because he is in love/lust with me.

 

Finally I couldn't take it the endless requests so I relented and met him for lunch today. I felt the same feelings I have for him as always - and I know he felt it too. He was just looking at my face with a mix of love and desire and tenderness over the lunch table the whole time. It would be just so easy to steal him.

 

The thing is, no matter how I feel, I could just never do that. I could never lure him away, steal him or tempt him into cheating on this woman with me, especially since there are little children involved. I would never want a man who did that to someone either - huge burning red flag.

 

So what is the right thing for me to do? Should I just walk away and tell him not to contact me anymore? Or.. as I have been considering...would it be OK to just ask him to lay his cards down on the table? Ask him to consider whether he really loves this woman? To consider ending their relationship if he can't honestly agree that he does? And then to possibly be with me, in time, once the dust has settled and he feels clear about what he wants without anyone else in the picture?

 

Or would it be wrong of me to do that? Would that be basically stealing him away anyway?

 

Please feel free to judge, criticise etc - maybe I need a moral reality check. Or.. maybe this isn't so bad and I need to stop giving myself such a hard time. Please any advice would be gratefully accepted.

 

 

 

I think you know what you need to do. It was the first option that you had mentioned.

 

walk away and tell him not to contact me

 

You don't win in this picture, but he's with someone else. It isn't fair of you to just ask him to leave her, because you're all of a sudden ready for a relationship. I know it's hard and I know you will feel as though you're missing out on someone special, but just think about it. Do you really want to be with someone like him, now that you can see how he'd handle a situation like this? How would you feel if you were at arms length with him, because he was lusting over another girl? Pretty horrible right?

 

Again, you know what it is, that you need to do.

[bish]

I was in a long-term relationship that ended in August last year. I felt devastated when it ended and it has taken me about a year to heal and feel ready to date again.

 

A couple of months after the break-up I met a really lovely guy through a close friend. We were both really attracted to each other and liked him a lot. He was very clear that he wanted a relationship but unfortunately it was just too soon for me and I let him go but recently I have been feeling that I wish the timing had been different for us. I still have feelings for him.

 

Sadly for me though, he met someone else while I was off working myself out. They bought a house together. They both have kids from previous relationships and have blended them. Serious stuff!

 

Normally I would just let it go and move on. Too late! But what is so tempting and confusing is that he has always kept in touch and made it more than 100% clear that he is incredibly into me and wants to be with me.

 

Even after buying a house with this other woman? If so, then he is an untrustworthy jackass. Good luck with that if you decide you want this player.

 

 

Finally I couldn't take it the endless requests so I relented and met him for lunch today. I felt the same feelings I have for him as always - and I know he felt it too. He was just looking at my face with a mix of love and desire and tenderness over the lunch table the whole time. It would be just so easy to steal him.

 

The thing is, no matter how I feel, I could just never do that. I could never lure him away, steal him or tempt him into cheating on this woman with me, especially since there are little children involved. I would never want a man who did that to someone either - huge burning red flag.

 

 

Well lets hope you keep your sense about you and keep this in mind.

 

But if your revelation about him is true, why did you agree to have lunch with him?

 

 

So what is the right thing for me to do?

 

 

Ignore him and forget about him. Because if you don't you will wind up in the same situation as the woman he is living with.

 

Here is what I don't get, he must be hella full of himself to sit there knowing that you know he has a woman at home and think that you'd be ok with it. Isn't the thought going through his pea brain that maybe you see through him and see him for what he is?...untrustworthy.

 

 

Should I just walk away and tell him not to contact me anymore?

 

Yup.

 

 

Or.. as I have been considering...would it be OK to just ask him to lay his cards down on the table? Ask him to consider whether he really loves this woman? To consider ending their relationship if he can't honestly agree that he does? And then to possibly be with me, in time, once the dust has settled and he feels clear about what he wants without anyone else in the picture?

 

What would be the point of that? He met you with the hopes that something will happen with you two.

 

Guess what, again, you'll be in the same position as his live in girlfriend at some point if you hook up with him.

 

 

Or would it be wrong of me to do that? Would that be basically stealing him away anyway?

 

Well if you do "steal him away" don't complain when someone steals him away from you later.

 

 

Please feel free to judge, criticise etc - maybe I need a moral reality check. Or.. maybe this isn't so bad and I need to stop giving myself such a hard time. Please any advice would be gratefully accepted.

 

You said it well enough yourself earlier, that you wouldn't want a man that is like that and that it is a huge red flag.

 

Stick with that gut feeling and tell him you no longer want to see him since he obviously isn't to be trusted.

[imagine]

If you think it's wrong, and you still do it ....it is!

[verve]

You need to get well away from this guy, cut all ties before you get in any deeper and get hurt even more.