divorce, mediation and trial

[susanl]

Well it has been a while since my last post but this board is wonderful. To sum up things, husband is an alcoholic, went for treatment suddenly back in november for three months, left me and two kids by ourselves with no support and when he returned in february asked for a divorce and moved out. Said that I didn't support him while he was gone--let alone one child 17 had knee surgery and the other one turned 16 got a car and is a great student that wouldn't miss school.

 

Now for the point--met someone very nice as a good male friend in the mean time and he has been very supportive of me in this hard time. Found out on friday that mediation is tuesday and the court date is thursday. WEll here is my problem--first of all i am scared and worried about the unknown--my lawyer says it --the mediation could last hours and hours, and if everything isn't decided it goes to trial as a contested divorce on thursday and that is when things can get nasty. I hate this --both of us want the divorce--I hate this man for what he has done to my life and the kids--he has called them maybe 4 times since he has been back and tries to make them feel good with money but nothing else.

 

Has anyone else been through mediation or a contested divorce? I haven't been sleeping and I am just worn out--physically and menatally--please help!!!!

 

By the way the kids are fine--one is starting school on monday so will be busy next week and the other one is getting ready to go to college and is working full time next week. It is just me that needs help and is scared, worried, and just plain concerned--thanks for any help.

[2SidestoStories]

First off, know that you've come to a right place. That's what the forums are here for, and you'll find support and suggestions that you never would have anticipated from a group of completely anonymous "do-gooders." For my part, I am really sorry that you are having this going on in your life. Know you're not alone!

 

Second, you ask whether it is only you that needs help. I would venture to say that absolutely not...your children are affected by this as well. Do not be afraid to ask them if they need anything. Chances are, as they are teenagers, they will want to bear the burden themselves, and may reject offers of help. However, they may just be lingering and waiting for you to make the move to ask! They are your family, and they deserve, just as you do, to get help and support.

 

I live in New Mexico, which is a community property state, and one in which contested divorces rarely happen. I am currently in a kind of transition period where my hubby is not in the house any longer, and we're playing things somewhat by ear. We don't have a lot of assets nor debt together, so in terms of contesting the divorce, it would be almost silly on our parts.

 

It is also a completely natural thing to be afraid of the unknown; the mediation is there to help you and your husband solve things, however, and you should go into it not afraid but confident that both you and your husband will sort through properties, debts, and any custody issues that may arise. It is most difficult in times of trial to have faith in anything, and I'm not talking religion...I'm talking in yourself, in the judicial system, etc. I guess my thoughts are be cautious but not scared. Trust yourself and trust the mediator(s).

 

I wish you the best!

[Tony T]

A divorce can ruin your whole day!

 

First, your children are old enough you don't have to worry about fights over custody. They will decide for themselves who they will live with. As far as property distribution, a court of equity will distribute your properties according to the laws of your state. If you are in a community property state, assets will be divided according to all appreciation of assets and all assets acquired following the date of your marriage.

 

Mediation is a negotiation process. If you're smart you'll discuss this with your attorney ahead of time. Give you husband some things he wants...and then, in return, ask for some things you want. If you give your husband the impression he is getting things you really want, that obviously will make him happy. It's a game of faking him out. Have some fun and don't worry about it. It's only stuff and on this planet we don't really own anything. It evaporates when we go to meet our maker. Don't make such a big deal out of stuff!

 

Don't get emotional during the mediation or court hearings. Let your attorney do most of the talking...but when you open your mouth, be cool...even if everybody else is screaming. I doubt that will happen anyway.