Where to begin? Was I wrong to tell?

[Faceless Masses...]

Hi.

 

I'm 25. Been married to a man for almost 4 years. Have two beautiful children together. My children mean the world to me. I am not a strong person, but am trying to learn how to be. This is one step I can take.

 

My husband and I have been together for over five years. I have two skeletons in my closet that have needed to be aired out for the entire time that he and I have been together, and I have recently told him both. I don't know if I did the right thing, though.

 

When I was 15 years old, I was molested by a peer. I still, even after counseling, have trouble calling it "rape" because it was unwilling sexual contact on my part, but maybe I did not say "No" loudly enough. It was not intercourse, but there was penetration, and it broke my hymen, and so forth. The feelings of shame and horror and fear and everything have been something that have lurked in the back of my head for years and years. I told only one person at all (until I told my husband) and that was a practitioner at the church I attended as a teenager. She told me that yes, what had happened WAS rape, and that I needed to be able to not only realize and accept that I felt violated, but that in order to move on in my life, I would need to forgive anyone who had violated me in any way. I tried to take the advice to heart, and thought I had made a fair amount of progress.

 

I met my husband to be two years later. We fell in love quickly and tumultuosly, and fell into bed together very fast. One evening, he and I were "messing around," and were escalating at a pace that for whatever reason for that night I was not wanting. I told him "No, I don't want to do this right now." He thought I was playing and proceeded to continue. I still don't remember much of the act itself as I was lying in a kind of shell-shock, thinking to myself, "He doesn't mean this. He can't mean this, because he loves me. He isn't meaning to hurt me! But he is. He did not listen!" etc. After he was "done," he felt guilty, but instead of telling him that I felt wronged, I assured him that he had no reason to feel guilty. I lied to him then, and kept it hidden from him for years.

 

It has had a completely detremental effect on our relationship. We have had "trust issues" and I have had "intimacy issues" and many of the classic sorts of things associated with rape. And he never knew that I felt that he had done it. I married him around a year later, and our daughter came the following August. She is the most amazing little girl! I have seen her as a blessing, like I was given my incredible daughter as a gift, and that I could see that good can come from such a hurtful thing. We have another baby as well; a ten month old son.

 

We are separated currently, and I am seeking a divorce from him. He has constantly asked me why, and yesterday I finally told him the truth. That I felt that he had raped me. I told him that I did not want him to ever know because I knew he did not mean it. I told him that I felt he deserved to know the truth: that the reason we were in such a bad place stemmed from my distrust in him from that day forward, and that he had done very little to aid my trust (he has threatened suicide on two very recent occasions, one of which wound up with me calling the police...I had had enough!) But I also needed him to know so that I could begin my own healing process. I needed him to tell me that indeed, he did not mean to hurt me. Selfish? Probably. It is as I told him; sure, I have told the truth, but at what cost? The cost of another human's entire self.

 

Am I wrong for telling him? Am I wrong for believing that he had to know as well? I know I was wrong to hide it for so long, but that is done now. I guess that is what I have to look at in terms of all of this: what's done is done. What would any of you have done? My confidence at the time was horrific, obviously, and I have grown to have slightly more courage as well...I suppose it took a great deal for me to tell him?

 

Anyone who has input, good, bad or otherwise, please let me know. Thanks in advance.

[Carly]

That is the Latin tem used in court to say that in order for someone to be guilty of something, they must have meant it. If he didn't mean it, meaning that he did not at the time believe he was forcing himself on you, then how could he be guilty?

 

You seem to believe that he did not mean it. Does this mean that you can accept that he did not mean to force himelf on you at the time? Can you accept that he truly believed at that ambiguous moment that it was OK to proceed?

 

But here is the most important question: How did he respond when you finally told him that you felt violated that night five years ago (whether he meant it or not)? Did he say that he was sorry? Did he truly feel bad about what happened? Is he asking aloud, "how could I have been so wrapped up in seeking my own pleasure that I actually fooled myself into thinking that you were just playing around when you said, "No, let's not."?

 

Another important question. How has been since then? Any similar incidents?

 

You mention your husband's suicide attempts rather casually. In my mind his suicide attempts are a much larger threat to the integrity of your family unit than a quesionable rape that happened years ago under ambiguous circumstances.

 

Your husband needs help for his suicidal ideation. In fact he needs some serious help, and in a hurry. Read the recent thread about "my wife and I" and see if you can pick up anything that might help.

 

Meanwhile, I don't think it's right to go trying to clear the air on a questionable rape years ago with a guy who is suicidal. Not that you don't have legitimate issues to resolve yourself, but this is not the time or the way to do it. You are right to have your doubts about pressing the rape issue right now. It may be something that you will just have to clear up on your own and move forward with. I hope you do.

 

Bottom line: I think that ANY mother with a suicidal husband has very good reason to proceed with a divorce. Just don't make things worse right now by confronting him about the questionable rape years ago.

 

Good luck in starting a new life with your kids.

[HokeyReligions]

Carly had some good points - things I thought to myself as I read your post, so I won't repeat them.

 

Something else that jumped out (to me anyway) is that you keep saying "I was wrong"

 

I don't see in your post ANY place where you were wrong. A physical body can mend from attack, often without scars, but emotional scars can last a lifetime and color everything that you do or say. That does not make you wrong.

 

A lot of men just don't get it. They think "its over and done with - move on" and just don't understand how something traumatic that happened years ago can snowball inside a person and finally crash open years later. Men generally want to protect and take personally anything that causes unhappiness or fear or anxiety or whatever. They might say they understand, and on an intellectual level, they may. But that understanding doesn't always go as deep as we feel it should.

 

Before I get bashed for saying that - let me say that not every man is like that. I'm speaking generally and from experience with counseling for many issues - including trust.

 

You are not wrong for feeling the way you feel, and you are not wrong for waiting to tell him, or for telling him at all. We each have to deal with the trauma in our life in our own way.

 

Your husband's suicide attempts are a major concern right now and that speaks volumes for his own emotional/mental status. He needs help - but not from you. He needs professional counseling to deal with his own demons.

 

I hope that your husband gets the help he needs, and I hope that you get some counseling too - dealing with your past and present will help you be a better and stronger person, and set a good example for your kids too.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "After he was "done," he felt guilty, but instead of telling him that I felt wronged, I assured him that he had no reason to feel guilty."

 

If he told you he felt guilty, he obviously knew at the time what he did was wrong. But as HokeyReligions said, he probably did not know just how intensely you were damaged emotionally by this. Nevertheless he did something he knew was wrong yet you were the one who has been punished all these many years.

 

I think anytime somebody hurts us, it is out duty to tell them...but much sooner than you have. Let them know the minute you realize just how intensely you have been hurt or damaged. You are never wrong for doing that.

 

I'm very sure this guy loved and does now love you. I think it's really sad that one mistake can ruin a lifetime of happiness for someone, can break up friendships, relationships, marriages, etc. No matter how much you forgive, the bullet is still sitting there someplace deep in the psyche and the wound never completely heals. It's such a sad part of the human condition.

[my_mother's_daughter]

I think it's really sad that one mistake can ruin a lifetime of happiness for someone, can break up friendships, relationships, marriages, etc. No matter how much you forgive, the bullet is still sitting there someplace deep in the psyche and the wound never completely heals. It's such a sad part of the human condition

 

Bloody hell, I'm blown right out of the water. A classic quote contribution.

[steffany]

I wish I was at a point in my own healing to give you the advice I would like to give you. But saying it would only make me hypocrate.

 

I do applaud you for seeking help! I wish human nature was as cut and dry as facts. I would be over so much of my child hood and young adult issues!

 

Why can I ask are you divorcing your husband before you are through with counceling? That seems like such a detrimental thing. I don't think that leaving him is an answer to your hurt. I would think a therapist would encourage you to get your feelings of that time out and talk about it and find away past it! Forgiving is a big step in healing. And your husband loves you...who better to learn how to trust and love than with a man that loves you and a man who unkowingly hurt you. Learn to love, forgive and trust with the man that has been so important to you until now.

 

I get a lot of support and help from a place on webmd for sexual assult and abbuse.

 

Maybe you could stop in sometime.

 

I hope I haven't offended you or hurt your feelings. I just am not sure of taking such steps as divorce while in therapy.

 

Forgive me for being stubborn in my own beleifs!