WHy is this amazing girl going out with this complete loser?

[Brady_to_Moss]

This girl. Smart Beautiful and i like her alot. We always have a great time but she has a BF of 2 years that deals drugs and always makes her cry...its not even me liking her anymore...hes dragging an amazing person down with him...its not right..i just want to tell her that and i am right here and she doesnt need to look anymore for mr perfect... but i cantt.....god i like her so much but i guessi gotta let go

[carhill]

Frankly, and I'm really sorry to say this, perfection bores her. She gets the crazy highs with BF, then uses you as an emotional whore for her problems. How close am I?

 

Tell me, in as much detail as you can, about the last time she expressed any real interest in you, in the minutiae of your life. I'll bet her interest is superficial and I'll bet she "forgets".

 

How do I know this? Many years of such whoring, that's how

 

Now, after many years of such agony, if a woman starts in about stuff, I point to that little shiny bit of gold on my left hand and politely say "honey, I get that at home"

[johan]

Pheromones. And maybe blackmail.

 

You see couples like this all over the place, and it's not worth thinking about too much.

[SourKisses]

My cousin is in a similar relationship. She is pretty and intelligent, but she is bestottled with a man who is into dope, for a long time she thought he was her boyfriend but he admitted to me that he only saw her as someone he can have sex and have no ties. She doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs but I always wonder what made her take an interest in him when he treats he so poorly, one time he went off at her and made her so upset that she ate non-stop for a few days. She has gained 8 kilos since their relationship started.

 

I'm forever listening to her whinge and complain about how much she loves him but he always does so much to her. Even his father has seen how badly his son treats my cousin.

 

Maybe your friend believes she can't find anyone else and is settling on this jerk. Even though your her friend.

[Meaplus3]

This girl. Smart Beautiful and i like her alot. We always have a great time but she has a BF of 2 years that deals drugs and always makes her cry...its not even me liking her anymore...hes dragging an amazing person down with him...its not right..i just want to tell her that and i am right here and she doesnt need to look anymore for mr perfect... but i cantt.....god i like her so much but i guessi gotta let go

 

The bf here does not seem very healthy for her. Have you tried talking with her about your concearns?

 

AP:)

[Taramere]

This girl. Smart Beautiful and i like her alot. We always have a great time but she has a BF of 2 years that deals drugs and always makes her cry...its not even me liking her anymore...hes dragging an amazing person down with him...its not right..i just want to tell her that and i am right here and she doesnt need to look anymore for mr perfect... but i cantt.....god i like her so much but i guessi gotta let go

 

There are all kinds of interesting answers to these questions to be found if you start delving into psychoanalytic theory. Who knows what's really right and wrong? All I know is that the answers I've found by spending a time exploring those theories make a great deal of sense to me.

 

What you have to ask yourself is "do I really want rational sounding explanations for apparently confusing scenarios like this, or would I prefer to remain in a state of bewilderment about why some people seem set on self-sabotage?"

 

However it looks from the outside, your friend is getting a need met by this relationship. Sure, she'll be getting sexual needs met - but she could get those met elsewhere. Something about the way this guy is meets a need in her that a nice guy like you can't meet. A need for drama? Excitement? Adrenalin? All those things are probably a clue to the real need that's being met.

 

That's the very basic need to surround themselves with circumstances that permit them to survive. How do we survive? By learning that we require certain things to ensure that we survive in our present form. It's one of the reasons people resist change - even change that could make their lives better. Something in them associates change with the increased possibility of their own death.

 

You're saying that this girl is an amazing, lovely, wonderful human being. That's great, but I wonder if this girl would strike you as so amazing, lovely and wonderful if she was with a really nice bloke. Is there a chance that you'd simply think of her as a really nice woman? Or might she actually become less of a nice person in the company of a very nice man? Might the very nice person she is just now "die"?

 

If so, why would that happen? There's a theory called "splitting theory" that has a lot of answers in that respect. Think of two brothers. One achieves academic success, goes into a respected profession, has great career success, is "the perfect son" etc etc. The other is a drop out. Gets hooked on drugs, sleeps around, catches STDS and begins to accumulate a criminal record.

 

How can two such different men who received the same opportunities in life and share genetic similarities turn out so differently? Maybe Brother A can carry on being Mr Respectable, because Brother B is acting out not just his own subversive aspects but his brother's too. Perhaps your female friend has some very subversive aspects to her that she'd rather keep concealed from the world while she presents a pristine image...but that her druggie boyfriend can act out for her.

 

By having such a relationship with him she would get it all. The illusion of being the perfect and pristine "good girl". The martyr who puts up with all kinds of things for the sake of love....together with the thrill of having these very subversive elements in her life.

 

Take the sleazy boyfriend away, and she might have to start demonstrating those subversive, rebellious aspects herself. Maybe in the context of a relationship with a nice guy like you. Then you get burned, and you go off to find a "nice girl" to treat badly....and so it goes on, and on, and on.

 

It's imperative to avoid the temptation to split other people into Mr/Ms Perfect or Mr/Ms Scum of the Earth, if you're to avoid getting sucked into those situations.

[Brady_to_Moss]

I think no matter what happened i would think of her the same. Just the in depth conversations we have about things and not just..whats up?

 

 

But i see what you guys are saying about me being an emotional shoulder to lean on. She does sometimes but not always. We love talking to each to each other. When shes in a bad mood ill ask why and she says becasue of her BF. One conversation i asked her. Why are you with him when he is always like this? She said she just cant let him go. But in my eyes she does to get anywhere and to be happy in life. I just dont understand.

[carhill]

I just dont understand

 

That's OK. You never will. You have a lot of company. I know exactly what you mean. Love is not logical nor intelligent. Accept it and do what is healthy for you

 

Try looking at it this way. She sees how messed up her life is with this other guy and puts it all on herself, like she's failed. She gets on great with you as a friend. She's afraid, if she lets the friendship become more, she'll screw it and you up the same way she's doing right now with the other guy. Doesn't make sense, right? Right

[lovestruck818]

It happens a lot though- people are blinded by love.

 

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I was 23, working a great job, making good money, went to college, took trips, just enjoyed my life. The guy I was seeing was 28, living at home (so was I at the time), didn't work, dropped out of college, barely finished high school...had no idea where his direction was in life. But he was so so so so cute and charming that it was hard for me to look deep into him and see his flaws. My friend had passed away that year (she was 23) and I needed his love & support and he couldn't it to me. I then came to my senses & dumped him and really saw what a jerk he was.

 

God, I was naive & stupid.

 

She'll come around.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe the sex is incredible and that's a big reason why she's still with him. That and obviously she does like him. Or, possibly she does some drugs too and it's free seeing as he's a dealer.

 

There isn't anything you can do (or should do) to break them up. If anything, back off abit because you DO like her and that is going to prevent you from finding someone else, let alone you'll continue to put energy into someone who has a boyfriend.

[The Collector]

Some girls like crying.

 

Some girls prefer a roller-coaster of emotions that even a 'loser' gives them rather than the predictable, safe protection and worship that other guys like yourself may offer. Don't be Captain Save-A-Ho* - he doesn't have a gun to her head and she could leave if she wanted. She probably also knows you'd be there for her if she did.

 

 

 

*I didn't come up with the term Captain Save-A-Ho, but it's funny and applicable so save the misogyny lectures, cheers.

[Taramere]

*I didn't come up with the term Captain Save-A-Ho, but it's funny and applicable so save the misogyny lectures, cheers.

 

My guess is that the Captain Save-A-Ho term started life on the Tucker Max board, filtered down to Sosuave...and now here it is, on Loveshack.

 

You can use the Captain Save-A-Ho term if I'm permitted to make "racing from runt to cunt and back again" * jokes on every nice-guys-finish-last thread.

 

* watch how everyone ignores me, but in a few weeks time a more likeable poster steals my line and gets plaudits for it. I'll earmark this page in preparation.

[The Collector]

You can use the Captain Save-A-Ho term if I'm permitted to make "racing from runt to cunt and back again" * jokes on every nice-guys-finish-last thread.

 

Ha, I'll steal that. But it may confuse the yanks for whom 'cunt' implies a different gender?

[Brady_to_Moss]

Some girls like crying.

 

Some girls prefer a roller-coaster of emotions that even a 'loser' gives them rather than the predictable, safe protection and worship that other guys like yourself may offer. Don't be Captain Save-A-Ho* - he doesn't have a gun to her head and she could leave if she wanted. She probably also knows you'd be there for her if she did.

 

 

 

*I didn't come up with the term Captain Save-A-Ho, but it's funny and applicable so save the misogyny lectures, cheers.

 

Oh she does know that i am there and will go with me in a heartbeat if anything major happens with them. I just wish she would come to her senses and leave this ass! Shes quite the lady!

[nopainnogain]

 

 

*I didn't come up with the term Captain Save-A-Ho, but it's funny and applicable so save the misogyny lectures, cheers.

 

 

I heard that in a rap song a long time ago. Great quote

[0hpenelope]

This girl. Smart Beautiful and i like her alot. We always have a great time but she has a BF of 2 years that deals drugs and always makes her cry...its not even me liking her anymore...hes dragging an amazing person down with him...its not right..i just want to tell her that and i am right here and she doesnt need to look anymore for mr perfect... but i cantt.....god i like her so much but i guessi gotta let go

 

Perhaps she's waiting for him to change. If she's around, he'll change and she'll be there for him. His light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. Her love is his saving grace. Etc. Etc.

[The Collector]

Perhaps she's waiting for him to change. If she's around, he'll change and she'll be there for him. His light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. Her love is his saving grace. Etc. Etc.

 

And the when she changes him she'll get bored and move onto the next challenge.

[nopainnogain]

And the when she changes him she'll get bored and move onto the next challenge.

 

lol. Thats the truth

[0hpenelope]

And the when she changes him she'll get bored and move onto the next challenge.

 

I don't doubt that, either.

 

Some people just have that kind of complex, I guess. "I'll be around because if I can just fix it..." blah blah

[Lovelybird]

Pheromones. And maybe blackmail.

 

You see couples like this all over the place, and it's not worth thinking about too much.

human's heart is a mystery

[ryanrigney22]

Something about the thrill normally entices them. She needs to grow up. Just keep living your life and become a great person, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, and You'll have girls better than her knocking on your door.

[Brady_to_Moss]

Something about the thrill normally entices them. She needs to grow up. Just keep living your life and become a great person, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, and You'll have girls better than her knocking on your door.

 

 

yea. overall i think i am a great person. But all the girls seem to look right past that

[Tabatha]

Funny I should come across this thread, since everyone in my family thinks I am in the same situation.

 

"Oh youre so smart, beautiful, and can so much better!" I hear that all the time.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. I had a job, a car, a cell phone, and money when we began dating. He got hired at a new job, was not previous employed, or worked under the table, for a while before he met me. He still lives at home, and I still live at home. I am 20, and he 25. He used to be what they call a "middle man" and used to supply marijuana to the people he knew that wanted to buy. My Uncle was a customer, so that's how we met. So I knew what I was getting into. Currently we both are unemployed, still live at home, still with no vehicles of our own. My whole family thinks he has brought me down to his level. They think he's a loser.

 

He does make me cry alot but that's because I am very sensitive and take things personally easily. He doesn't mean for me to cry and doesn't like when I do. We just have our little disagreements. (Maybe that goes for your friend too).

 

We are both enlisting in the Army to do better for ourselves, so we don't be what society defines as "Loserish" for any longer.

 

There is something in a relationship, with anyone who is involved in one, that thing. You know when it is right. You feel loved, or in love. Someone that you can feel affectionate towards. Someone who can protect you.

 

People on the outside, or "Third Parties" might see it one way, but the people involved see it differently. It's behind closed doors. It's where you can feel comfortable opening up to your SO. It's just different.

 

I say, get to know someone really good before you judge. My family only met my Boyfriend ONCE and still passed judgement. I have gotten to know a side no one else sees. People don't understand why I stay with him, but they never will unless they learn to accept, that Love is powerful, Love is unjudging, and what you see or hear is only a facade, until you get to know the person. People gossip, and believe the gossip, even when it is wrong gossip.

 

my boyfriend may have been into pot, may have not had a job, but I see potential in him to become a great person, unlike my family.

 

Feel free to ask me anything if you want to know more. I can most likely relate to your friend.

[J2FT1]

Cause this loser it packing and he "makes" her do it. It's how she likes it.

[CommitmentPhobe]

This girl. Smart

Uhuh

she has a BF of 2 years that deals drugs and always makes her cry...

No, she's not smart. In fact she's a loser.

 

The more important question you should ask is why are you hanging around a loser dating a drug dealer? Oh let me guess she's so nice and beautiful and smart and blah blah blah blah blah