this is gonna sound like a stupid question...

[HopeDiesLast]

art critic i know you're right- i dont want to validate his ego AT ALL. But why cant i move past this? how am i supposed to come to terms with this??? how can i stop blaming myself when i know damn well im a good, successful, pretty, fun person?

this rollercoaster needs to stop.

[lovelorcet]

art critic i know you're right- i dont want to validate his ego AT ALL. But why cant i move past this? how am i supposed to come to terms with this??? how can i stop blaming myself when i know damn well im a good, successful, pretty, fun person?

this rollercoaster needs to stop.

 

 

How long has it been since the break up?

[Billie63]

ok...so the answer is yes, hes relieved bc he wasnt happy. which means hes over it. which means that could be forever?

wow, shot right to the heart on that one.

 

My ex was relieved but I don't believe he was over it and it's all hitting him now. Despite being loved up with some new young thing, he's flirting with me and is getting all nostalgic about our past. So who knows what your ex is really thinking? You can drive yourself mad trying to work that one out and none of his answers will satisfy you. Because what you really want is him to come back to you.

 

And that won't happen until you've moved on a bit yourself.

[stillafool]

ya know, i dont even know. sometimes i just want to say the things i couldnt when it ended. i was so devestated that i feel like i couldnt say things the way i wanted. then i think about it and i guess i did say all i had to. he knows i want a commitment and he just cant give it to me. i want to ask him how he feels toward me- have your feelings disappeared? i just need to know. i just want to know im not hanging on for nothing. if i knew he didnt feel a damn thing toward me, then i could get on with my life. but somehow i know thats not true. he wont call me and talk to me and i know it means there are feelings there- but also that it means for right now, he'd not like to acknowledge them. for right now he'd like to move on. and i know i should to. but its like i fight with myself. its like i feel myself let go and then the other half of me says "no dont, u love him! what u had was wonderful and he knows it, so dont give up!"

im losing it, kids.

 

 

It seems if he broke up with you in June and is initiating no contact and has told you that he doesn't want to talk to you and give you false hope that this would be enough for you to know you are not getting back together. I don't want to hurt you but in my experience with past breakups nothing was more unattractive to me than to be pursued when i no longer had an interest. I think you ex still care about you (your feelings) and doesn't want to be put in a position (talking to you) where he will have to say things that will hurt you further. When one agrees to get together with an ex to "talk" it can give the other one false hope. I think he doesn't plan on getting back together with you from the way it sounds and he knows you will become emotional. If there are things you need to say to him write a letter and pour your heart out to him, but you can't make him communicate with you if he has no desire. If you really find yourself struggling you should seek counseling. If you can afford it maybe a mini vacation is in order.

[stillafool]

One more thing. If you write him a letter try to get it all out in that one letter. My ex kept writing me letters and after the 3rd one I started throwing them away because I didn't feel like hearing (or reading) it anymore. I didn't miss my ex that is why I broke up with him. You have to find acceptance in his decision and I know it's hard. You may never get answers to your questions and you have to accept that also.

[northstar1]

art critic i know you're right- i dont want to validate his ego AT ALL. But why cant i move past this? how am i supposed to come to terms with this??? how can i stop blaming myself when i know damn well im a good, successful, pretty, fun person?

this rollercoaster needs to stop.

 

Becuase you are holding onto hope. Which we've all done.

 

That hope (that he'll call, that he'll come back) is what is keeping you from healing. We've all been there, hoping for some sort of validation that they miss us, they made a mistake, they think of us.

 

You need to proceed with the belief that it's over and he's not coming back. Is it possible he will one day? Perhaps - but you can't live life waiting for that possibility.

 

 

Is it hard? YES! But to hang onto hope that he'll come back, or contact you, will just keep you at square one

 

You need to do things for YOU, to make you happy - new hobbies, people, trips etc. Some days will be hard, very hard, but it will get better.

 

People make choices, for their own reasons, and you can question those for eternity - BUT you can't change them. As soon as you can accept this, you'll be able to move on and live a happy life.

[LateBloomer]

Hey,

 

I'm in the same boat. My original thread is here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1798793#post1798793

 

It's been a month, but sadly the thing got reopened. I worry now that had I initiated NC early on, it may have helped. But I wasn't able to. Like yourself, I've had this terrible bout of literally waking up in the middle of the night with things to tell her. Ways I feel I could show her what a terrible mistake this is.

 

But the thing is, sometimes people just aren't ready. They have their own underlying issues they may or may not be dealing with. Recognize also that you may have been very empty as a person ... and your partner helped fill you. So the loss is extreme. You lost something that was as important to you as life itself.

 

Right now, I can't see the future where I'll be over her. But I have to acknowledge it will come. When? I don't know. Will she come to her senses? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know how to live with hope yet also move on.

 

If you love deeply, then hope can be very hard to destroy. My current thinking is that I just need to learn to live with it. Nobody knows what the future may hold. But that means it's possible that YOU may very well improve yourself and attract someone BETTER in time.

 

That's my plan. It's not easy. It's still mortally painful and is hard to just go on sometimes. I'm also getting a large amount of professional help too.

 

Good luck. Stay strong. Hold on and have faith that time will work its magic ... if you let it. Try not to do unhealthy things like over-pining for the past (euphoric recollection). Don't look at pictures. Try not to have any reminders at all. Be around people. Make a list of things you can do to put happiness in your life ON YOUR OWN. It will take time. I'm just starting to have some of those things take effect (eg., a background check from a volunteer organization, finally getting a yoga class, reconnecting with old friends and them having some time to spend with me, etc...).

[HopeDiesLast]

thank you for all your responses. its been 2 and half months now. i hate this rollercoaster. i just wish it was more linear to grieve a loss. i wish i didnt have to reconvince myself everyday of my reality. im trying. i know it seems like im not but im trying. back to square one. back to no contact. back to making myself better. no more of this.

You're all so right. if its supposed to be, then it will be. when the time is right. and if not, then ill find someone better. either way, EITHER WAY, the only thing i can do is work on making ME happy.

am i get it?

[LateBloomer]

I've been exercising regularly for a while, but the last few days I've kicked it up a few notches. I bike to work. I work out on my weight machine every other day, and now I jog on the other days. So thats actually two workouts every day. Tonight I'm going to a yoga class.

 

Burn your sorrow and stress. I find it's helping a bit. Also fill your world with other happy things.

 

It could be that you're reaching the critical mass now. You're right it's not linear. Don't think you're all well all of the sudden. But try to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Try to let yourself say, "I'm tired of feeling like this anymore."

 

I have to say I'm really glad I found this website.

[Art_Critic]

While it may not be linear.. it is at least happening.. slowing you will heal and one day you will wonder WTF did I see in that 3 pump chump?

[northstar1]

thank you for all your responses. its been 2 and half months now. i hate this rollercoaster. i just wish it was more linear to grieve a loss. i wish i didnt have to reconvince myself everyday of my reality. im trying. i know it seems like im not but im trying. back to square one. back to no contact. back to making myself better. no more of this.

You're all so right. if its supposed to be, then it will be. when the time is right. and if not, then ill find someone better. either way, EITHER WAY, the only thing i can do is work on making ME happy.

am i get it?

 

Right, exactly. And the odds of ex's coming back and things working out again are very low I'd have to say. Maybe 5% of the time.

Do you really want to spend months and months of your time, and mental/physical energy for odds that low, when you can use that same energy to better yourself and have fun enriching your life?

 

Life is short and our time is precious, we need to spend it on thigns that WILL bring us happiness, not on long shots.

[LateBloomer]

What I try to do is envision someone with all the traits she had, and some BETTER ones! There's a great John Mayer song called "I'm Gonna Find Another you."

 

 

Not the greatest recording, but you can google the lyrics. I'd rewrite the song to say, "I'm Gonna Find A Better You!"

 

I know, it's so hard to think that way. But all you can do now is try, whenever you can. That's what I do sometimes. But yeah, not easy at all.

[HopeDiesLast]

What I try to do is envision someone with all the traits she had, and some BETTER ones! There's a great John Mayer song called "I'm Gonna Find Another you."

 

 

Not the greatest recording, but you can google the lyrics. I'd rewrite the song to say, "I'm Gonna Find A Better You!"

 

I know, it's so hard to think that way. But all you can do now is try, whenever you can. That's what I do sometimes. But yeah, not easy at all.

 

I'm Gonna Find Another You"

 

It's really over, you made your stand

You got me crying, as was your plan

But when my loneliness is through, I'm gonna find another you

 

You take your sweaters

You take your time

You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhymes

I'm gonna sing my way away from blue

I'm gonna find another you

 

When I was your lover

No one else would do

If I'm forced to find another, I hope she looks like you

Yeah and she's nicer too

 

So go on baby

Make your little get away

My pride will keep me company

And you just gave yours all away

Now I'm gonna dress myself for two

Once for me and once for someone new

I'm gonna do somethings you wouldn't let me do

Oh I'm gonna find another you

[Habibti]

Actually, he probably DOES think he's helping you by not calling. He probably answers texts because he doesn't want to seem rude and texts are a fairly impersonal, distanced communication system.He probably thinks if he calls you it's going to give you some hope you will be back together. Which is true, it will won't it? So therefore he probably thinks this is kind of a way to help you help yourself accept that you're done and over with.

[LateBloomer]

Actually, he probably DOES think he's helping you by not calling. He probably answers texts because he doesn't want to seem rude and texts are a fairly impersonal, distanced communication system.He probably thinks if he calls you it's going to give you some hope you will be back together. Which is true, it will won't it? So therefore he probably thinks this is kind of a way to help you help yourself accept that you're done and over with.

 

You know I'm starting to get pissed by people who turn their backs on folks. I've broken up with people in the past and ALWAYS made myself available to them. ALWAYS telling them how sorry I was, what great people they were, and that the issue was MINE. Many times I sat and bore the brunt of their sorrow and anger. Since I was the one who broke up, I always felt it was the least I can do.

 

But that's me ... someone who loves and feels deep compassion for people and doesn't like to see anyone in pain.

 

So ... (remember I'm going through this too, amiga)

 

I. Screw HIM. I repeat ... SCREW HIM.

 

II. Make him eat your success and ability to move on.

 

III. Don't give him the honor of your friendship afterwards ... since he turned his back on you. He has to be worthy of your friendship.

 

IV. Keep the following: (I use Google documents):

 

1. A diary of your thoughts

2. A list of things you are grateful for each day

3. A list of why you're cool, update whenever you feel.

4. A list of reasons why you CAN'T be friends

5. Mantras that help you

6. A list of things you can do now, tomorrow, next week and next month that will a) make you happy and b) help you grow

 

As always, good luck.

 

“From the pain come the dream

From the dream come the vision

From the vision come the people

From the people come the power

From this power come the change”

 

 

The keyword there, IMHO, is "the people" IE., all of us here.

[HopeDiesLast]

my anger makes me want to tell him that. to say to him "u f***ing turned ur back on me. wont call or answer any of my questions to close this for me. u may think ur helping, but ur not. ur making me think badly of someone i dont want to think that about. im worth a f***ing phone call.

[LateBloomer]

I'm not saying to hate him. I am saying, from experience, that you won't get answers to those questions. It has nothing to do with what you're worth. Obviously, you're worth more than he can give. Likely, he feels guilty and can't face it. Likely, he has some emotional limitations.

 

Don't hate him, but for now, making working on YOU a priority. Honestly, by the way he treated you, he doesn't deserve your friendship. At least not now. If he changes one day and apologizes ... for REAL ... not by you asking him ... then you can be friends, maybe.

 

Right now, you'd never be able to trust that he won't just cut and run again.

 

I'm sorry if I let some of my own anger out. It can be helpful in limited quantities. But DO NOT HATE. Eventually, you'll know you're well when you can look back at the good times and not be sad.

 

He may have a head start on moving on ... but if you try ... and work ... and believe ... you can lap him.

 

It will take time. You're stuck in that WHY? WHY? WHY? place. That's most likely because you've been texting, which is not NC.

 

How long since your last text?

 

EDIT: I actually got the chance to ask my "last questions." You know what? It didn't help. It actually hurt even more to hear the lack of love in her voice, despite all my words from the heart begging her to see how this doesn't make any sense, how we were so compatible and could have a magical future together.

 

In the end, the phone call ended and I was left with the fact that she is gone. That's what really hurts. Not the questions. The questions are your brain and heart trying to sort it out. He made what is likely an irrational decision. You can't understand irrational choices. You can only accept those that you cannot change. I know, it sucks.

 

Trust me, in time, if you try and work and focus on making yourself well and happy ... you WILL move on from this. Please, trust me. Trust all of us here who are saying the same thing.

 

I need to be reminded of it too. That's why I'm working out now and heading off to a yoga class tonight.

[miss_28]

my anger makes me want to tell him that. to say to him "u f***ing turned ur back on me. wont call or answer any of my questions to close this for me. u may think ur helping, but ur not. ur making me think badly of someone i dont want to think that about. im worth a f***ing phone call.

 

omg, i could have written this a couple of months ago... i know exactly the rage you are feeling... the shock that the one person you counted on could do this to you...

 

please believe me hope, you will feel better in time... and there are no questions that he would answer that would make you feel better, if anything, they will only hurt you more and push everything away even more.

 

its possible that he's just not happy with himself and needs to be alone... for whatever reason. This being said, he may feel some level of relief, but not because you did anything wrong, but rather because he can focus on getting his crap together. don't dwell on answers to your questions right now... take some more time to really "he-tox"... nc and self-improvement and sharing with sypathizing people really helps - it did for me even though i was fighting it. Its been 4.5 months for me... and up until a week ago i was crying myself to sleep. Then for what ever reason, things started to feel better... i'm at the point where i've exhausted myself so much with the internal dialog that now i actually can see a future with out him.

 

Don't get me wrong, i'm not 100%, but i feel like the fog is starting to lift... and my perspective is changing as the pain is distancing itself from me... please believe me that you will experience relief too from the pain in time, but if you want to make that time shorter, you have to let go of the hurt and anger and go nc.

 

as for the future... no one knows what that may hold, so don't debate it any more... he may or may not come back, you have no control over that outcome - none. Therefore, focus on what you can control - yourself. Don't contact him, don't torture yourself... its a failing approach.

 

FWIW, I don't think he didn't love you or he's 100% over it, i just think he did what he felt he had to do for what ever reason... you won't know why right now, so let it be. tell yourself one day you'll get your answer, but it won't be today... so focus on something else until then.

 

After 4 months of my own pain, i've come to the conclusion that i deserve to know and to be in a good place when that happens, so i've let go of the questions and hurt (well, most of it...) and am being mellow about it (which is a very recent development). it'll come for you too, don't worry about it. i hope this helps... ((hugs))

[HopeDiesLast]

Billie, Northstar, Latebloomer, Miss 28- THANK YOU! Seriously, i feel like my best friends were talking to me.

I know you guys are all right. I KNOW. Its so hard when you're in those lows. When you're so hurt, so angry, so damn TIRED you just wanna make this stop and you can't. Its awful.

Sometimes you just need to be reminded. Sometimes you just need to hear the same thing said differently. Sometimes looking at it when its someone elses problem makes a light switch go off in your head.

So many times i've said i can dish the advice but i can never take my own. I know whats right. Its just the pain talking alot of times.

Thank you guys for your encouragement. i hope that someone out there can skim through this thread and get some relief too.

((hugs)) to you all.

[ellen24]

Hopedies last, we've responded to one another before and i feel your pain. you just want it to wokr, ut i am slowly starting to realize it might not. i first thought our break was just gonna be for a couple of weeks. it is now 6 weeks, and we are more and more distant each day. he is like a stranger to me, you are lucky he is not calling you b/c at least he is not giving you mixed messages. i think he realy is trying to allow you to move on.... i was parying tonight that when my ex said he would call it would be to say, ' this is no longer a break, it is a break-up" b/c then i could try to move on. instead he said he would call and didn't. how messed up is that... i know it is my repsonsibility to move on, but for some reason it want it to come from him. i am approaching the anger stage though. i used to be so excited when he would text and say ' when will you be home' or "ill call you later".... the pat couple of days though, when i see a text from him, I am like, what the hell does he want and why won't he just leave me alone. now i juts have to tell him that!! lol!

you will be ok. trust me

[LateBloomer]

I know you guys are all right. I KNOW. Its so hard when you're in those lows. When you're so hurt, so angry, so damn TIRED you just wanna make this stop and you can't. Its awful.

((hugs)) to you all.

 

I'm starting to find that those lows are like thunder storms. You just have to hold on and weather them. Unfortunately, those storms also start to trigger all the questions and a desire to figure things out.

 

I was doing better today myself, then slipped back for a while. Yoga wasn't such a deep stretch or relaxation. It did dig up some pain though, you know, when the shock and enormity (and harshness and all that) starts to hit.

[Billie63]

Hi Hope, how are you doing today?

[HopeDiesLast]

ellen24- hang in there. i felt the same way. i lost track of how many weeks its been now (10 maybe?) and ive realized that hes not coming back. yeah it sucks, yeah it hurts, but not as much as week 2 or even 6. ive gotten serious about no contact and i just think this is for the better.

Latebloomer-ive joined yoga too and i love it! the first class i took i got so emotional i cried as i walked out. i had to hold it in so the people in the class didnt think id lost it. it does help relax once you get more into it. it can bring up some emotions you dont wanna deal with, but better to get it out in my opinion. ur right about the thunderstorms....hang on, let it pass, and the sunshine will come back.

Bille63-Im ok today i guess. i felt better yesterday evening after talking to one of my friends from college who went through a similar situation. i was right there with her as it happened and when she recounted the break up and downfall of her relationship, i couldnt believe the similarities. i knew it was best for her, and it gave me perspective- cus i could understand it when it happened to her, and my situation was so similar- it kinda made me understand it for me. does that make sense?

i read somewhere to cross off the days on a calendar while you're in no contact. i did that beginning july 1st. its pretty impressive minus the days you cave. but i dont let those bumps get me. whats better is ive started to write by the days how i feel when i start the day. the emotions have been different everyday. i think this will help me see how im doing. slowly...im letting go.

how are you doing today?

[Billie63]

Yes it makes sense.

 

I don't know about you, but what I hate is the rollercoaster of emotions. How, one day you're positive, then the next day you plummet, then the following day you might be up again. It's exhausting!

 

I'm OK today, despite his flirting with me on email (and it was sexually graphic flirting!) I am losing what desire or curiosity I had about him.

 

He took her to a family event 10 days ago and she made an idiot of herself apparently.

 

I shouldn't laugh but ... ha ha ha! It makes me feel so much better to know he's with an idiot. I'm getting past it all I think. But who knows how I'll feel tomorrow?

[HopeDiesLast]

i hear ya, billie. i know hes "casually seeing" someone....i dont wanna know about her, or him or how any of it is going. i still run ideas through my head today of what id say to him if i could, but i wouldnt do anything. the fact of the matter is- none of us should have to. he broke it- now hes gotta fix it. if he even wants to.

whats sad is that the whole issue is his- my ex was immature. not ready for what i wanted, unwilling to compromise his "college party boy" ways. and thats a shame. bc hes a wonderful person. he wants all these things and does absolutely nothing to get to them. i am not like that. i know what i want, and im going to have it. i want a life- and if he isnt ready to go after that life with me, i have no choice but to leave him behind.

the fact that he flirts with u is horrible. sometimes i dont know whats worse- silence or flirting with u while that other chick is around. its shi**y either way if you ask me.

Do you ever wonder what the HELL they're thinking? I do. i wonder how he can think he wants a life with me and in the end choose his partying over that.

Its weird- today i still want him to realize....but im not so concerned about getting him back. i want him to at least know he made a mistake. im sure the damn rollercoaster will have me thinking differently tomorrow. you're right thats the worst part- knowing this ok feeling i have today isnt gonna last.