Jump to content

I need an outside perspective!


Recommended Posts

Ok so here is the situation. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We have always been a sexually adventurous couple, and early on in our marriage we ended up bringing casual porn into the marriage. A little later down the road I had a baby and my sex drive took a dive, but his didnt. So long story short there we sort of grew apart and he grew very....I guess unresponsive would be the word. He dosent connect with me. We only hold hands when I insist on making the connection first, i always say i love you first and often times it is not recipricated. WE NEVER KISS or make out unless it is a special ocassion like we have not seen eachother for 2 weeks. If I want sex it is on his terms never mine, and then it is always about pleasing him first, with the promise that he will please me after...yet it never happens because he his too tired or hungry, late.. etc.

 

I had been nervous that he had fallen from a every once and a while porn to a full on addiction and so i started snooping. At first i fetl awful like i wasnt trusting him but i found that he was looking at things on his own and even contacting some people online. Now the contacts online were to "escorts" where when i confronted him about it he had told me that he wanted to fulfill another fantasy that we had "played" with at the beginning of the marriage and that was a threesome. Part of me wanted to be excited but the other part of me screams no due to the fact that we are so disconnected right now that would rip us apart.

 

I have told him how i feel, that i need more from him that it cant all be about him. I have also told him that i am not comfortable with his habits and contacts, and have told him that i have looked at his accounts but it is because i needed to know what was going on. I also told him that he needed to be honest with me that if he was or had done anything that things would go better for him if he was open and honest and didnt HIDE anything but if i found it on my own then i would be angry and double hurt. BUt he doesent think he is doing anything wrong, he dosent even seem to care when i tell him out right he has hurt me. He just laughs it off and thinks i am being a stupid hormonal female.

 

I just need some outside perspective to know if i am overreacting and if i should relax on the whole intamicy part. I dont know what more i can do about anything else or if i have even taken that out of persepective too.

I am sorry about the long post but it was a long explination :sick:

Link to post
Share on other sites

He's contacting escorts online, looking for a third party to participate in a threesome with you?

 

BS

 

If that were the case, he would have talked to you about it first.

 

You're not over-reacting.

 

Don't expect him to come forward with his 'sins'.

 

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

 

As a sidebar, I have to comment: I'm not into porn but I'm definitely not a prude. I'm game for just about anything, one-on-one.

 

But the porn thing and encouraging fantasies about bringing other people into our beds...I think that for the vast majority of couples, too much or actually acting it out can lead to problems later.

 

An ex-boyfriend of mine, when we were in our 20s, brought up going to swing clubs or finding a third party off and on during our 8 year relationship. I occasionally was interested, sometimes very much so, but not enough to actually do anything about it. Deep down, it didn't feel right for me.

 

Now, years later, he and his wife participated in some of these types of activities before they got married. It led to some real problems before they got married since jealousy reared its ugly head in a really bad way. They decided to straighten up, be monogamous and get married. He is no longer sexually attracted to her. Turns out that the thrill for him was more about their sexual adventures and fantasies. They now have two children, and I'm pretty sure that they'll stay married forever, or at least for a very long time - neither of them happy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So to summarize:

 

1) Started off with a good sex life

2) You have baby and lose sex drive

3) From baby onwards, you have a bad sex life

4) You snoop and find husband looking at escorts online

 

If he hasn't cheated yet, it sure looks like he is just about to.

 

Did you put on a lot of weight and keep it after the baby? Do you think he's still sexually attracted to you?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow. I would really be hurt and depressed if I were in your situation.

 

I don't believe you're blowing anything out of proportion, I believe your H is attempting to make you seem crazy so he won't be cast as the bad guy.

 

Have you checked his emails? Also, if I were you, I'd install a keylogger and see what he really is doing on the computer. To me, it sounds as if he's having an affair.

 

And you kind of made it sound as if he jumped you for going through his stuff. Did he? I'm wondering if he got really defensive about that, or if I just read too much into what you wrote.

 

I would also set up marriage counseling. And if he isn't willing to participate fully, I'd start bringing up seperation possibilities. There's no way you can happily live like that long-term. You're going to have to stand firm on what you need from this marriage, and let him see what he has to lose by not attempting to work on it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
AmyKidders26

Arh sweetie sounds like u r banging ur head against a brick wall.

 

I have been to hell and back with the word cheating, quite frankly i think it hits the best of us at some point in lour lives but i dont actually think he has cheated! Like someone else has said, not yet. He would have asked you first before looking for someone to join u for a threesome, well u would be taking part after all. I think it would be a little weird if someone just hopped in ur bed without u knowing.

 

Every piece of advice that u get on here is crucial, take little bits of each that u want to use. I think that u should sit and talk to him if he still behaves like he doesnt care then u should infact, scare the s**t out of him and say if he doesnt pull his finger out then u will look for someone that will give u what u deserve. No one deserves to be on their own in a marrage. It is hard enough as it is.

 

Please keep trying though, if it is meant to be you WILL fidn away to be happy again, thats if he is willing to change his attitude. :D

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...