Father cheated

[Anduin]

Just to get started I am a young male (21) my parents have been married for over 30 years and this morning my mom yelled for me to come see her immediately when she had found a message my father inadvertently left open to a woman he was seeing. Upon reading the message I physically became nauseous and immediately called another sibling to come to the house as well. My mother confronted my father shortly after about the message and he admitted to seeing another woman but did not account his "cheating" to be anything physical (which I'm not sure if I truly believe it).

 

My sibling and I were comforting my mom for the better part of the day during which she cried incessantly which really broke my heart to see her in such pain to the point that I wanted to strike my father if I saw him but ultimately these were only thoughts and I would not do that to him either. He returned to the house later in the night and pleaded her to believe that he didn't have intercourse with the other woman. I didn't want to get involved but he started yelling at my mother saying that it was partly her fault that he did this because of their arguments which they do have regularly. I became a bit emotional and told him to get the hell out of the room because I could visibly see that my mother was becoming more distraught. He even brought her flowers deeming himself innocent of any real wrongdoing.

 

He tried to play a victim and say that he would leave the house even though I only asked him to leave the room and let my mother rest in peace without any sight of him. I do feel bad that he left because he looked distraught and he was saying suicidal things and I believe he was remorseful but not to the point I would find acceptable.

 

I did however vent in anger to my mother throughout the day which I feel may have been wrong now because it may push her to not accept any explanations from my father. I know I need to let THEM work it out since its their marriage but my mother is very irrational and saying the right things can sway her very easily and I don't think she should let him off easily which I felt she might do. I didn't ask her to toss him out or anything but he ended up leaving on his own accord.

 

I'm really experiencing mixed feelings and I really don't know what's right. I really can't look at my father without feeling sick right now and even my sibling won't talk to him now. Do I need space and time in order to sort things out? Do I need to leave my mother alone and let her sort things out with my father regardless of what her decision is ? I don't want to break up a marriage by that little outburst I had with him but I feel their marriage is a very rocky one that has survived by some unknown mutual force between the two. I want to believe they love each other, I know they care for each other but often their actions, like this one on the part of my father, don't show it.

 

I'm wondering if I should apologize to my father for the outburst I had because I didn't want him to feel as if he was being tossed out but on the other hand I don't know if being away from us for the night won't give him the sense to think about his actions. I love my parents because they're the only people I can trust other than my older sibling, I want to help them but not meddle or influence their decisions.

 

Any words of advice or opinions would be helpful. Thank you

[Ocean-Blue]

Anduin, you have to realize that there are two, separate issues here.

 

One is the damaged relationship that currently exists between your parents. You are not a therapist nor a peer. You are their child. Stay out of this. Do not take sides. Comfort when you feel you should, but do not allow yourself to get in the middle of it. It is their problem to fix. Let him talk to her. Let her listen. Let them handle it.

 

The other issue is the effect of your father's adultery on you and your relationship with your father. This you can deal with directly. Talk to him if you want, take time to gather your thoughts. You are allowed to get angry at him...let yourself feel whatever emotion comes to you. Don't self-edit or push down negative emotions because you fear it will harm your parents' relationship. Again, let them handle that. You can only take care of your relationships.

 

Am I making sense?

[vintagecat]

I'm sorry this has happened. You will have to let your parents work it out and if your mom can't cope right now, if you can get her mother or a sibling or good friend, a person specifically that is level headed and not easily flustered in to help her out you will have done a good thing.

 

Your issue is as Ocean said: Dealing with your own feelings and the breach of trust that your father has visited upon your family as it relates to you.

 

Best of luck to you. It might be rough seas for a while. Perhaps you can find someone level headed yourself to talk to and lean on during this family crisis.

[Green]

just stay out of it as much as possible

[bentnotbroken]

I am sure that your mother finds you comforting, but that is all that you need to do. I know your first instinct is to protect your mom against everyone including your father, she just needs you to be her son.

 

You also need to deal with your own feelings concerning your father and his betrayal(don't worry he isn't suicidal, it is a ploy to gain sympathy). You need to try to stay as calm as possible,( I know it is hard)get away and hang with friends. Do you have someone you can talk with in confidence?

 

Try as hard as you can(your sibling too)to let them figure it out and you figure out your feelings about the situation. I know it is hard, my children went into overdrive in trying to protect me, and l love them, but I wish they didn't have to deal with this mess. I am sure your Mom wishes the same for you and your sibling.