americanlady Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 been with my boyfriend well now ex... for about id say six years, im in the usa hes off in toronto, im 27 he is 29 the plan was always to eventually be together obtain and visa and move here, but we had college to finish and other plans as that, we had a rough last two years due to finances so visiting has become shortened and then also i went through some college finance issues and he was paying most things. Well the finances ended up breaking us down. We are out of college now and yes loans to pay back but added to this is all the credit he has from what i had taken. On top of that it didint help that I had got on to him a few times telling him hes not my dad so stop telling me what to do.. but really he was just trying to help get me out of finance problems. I regret saying that i not only love him i believe in us and i want to work this out, im very happy with him and i wish i didnt cause him so much financial trouble all that time. He left me saying enough is enough.. i have gotten on my feet and changed for the better i realized were i took him for granted and i do not want to be that woman for him or myself, not only that im striving so hard to visit again and make peace of this.. we are still talking daily via chat and some phone but not as a couple he is not dating anyone or me but i dont want to be a friend just either, ive been trying to be supportive to how he might feel . I have asked him how he feels about me he says he does love me and does miss me, at one point i asked him why is he taking this so far were a team we can work through the money its not that bad we have careers now its part of life. And he says i feel right now u need a lesson learned. i have asked him does he want to be with me again and he says i dont want to be with anyone right now. some questions i have asked and he doesnt respond at all... more of a ignore on them i said am i important to you.. because he was acting ever so busy on work online.. but he sorta dodges this stuff.. i asked him also if were going to get there, he did say that in time its possible. But i feel like i might be stringed along.. and then no possible togetherness again. Is he worth the wait well yes but its been 6mths now.. and we have gotten a bit better in conversation but hes still not budgeing as far as us being a partnership again, he says he is hurt by me financially and that i always tell him to not be my dad when hes only trying to help. Its confusing like i said i have asked him questions hes usually pretty honest... another thing i have told him is im not waiting around forever for this decision to come back or not and he says i realize that and i know. But it still remains I dont want to be with anyone right now. I ask him do you want to visit again and he says just not right now. Im not sure if he is really this hurt over this 6mths is a long time to figure out if u want this relationship again. He tells me not to bring up the problem anymore becuase it doesnt help the situation, i try to talk positive with him we talk daily but he always acts a bit busy with work, Im not sure what to do.... but i will say that i not only love him hes one of my best friends Link to post Share on other sites
Last_Nerve Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 Let it go. If he wanted to be with you he could be and he has not made any moves so that tells you what you need to know. Sounds like you did a lot of damage to the relationship and he probably doesn't want to be in a relationship where he is constantly made to feel like he is the father. Link to post Share on other sites
Author americanlady Posted August 20, 2008 Author Share Posted August 20, 2008 so maybe it wasnt finances... he has recently told me this..which with finances i found strange to be the main reason because a lot of times he just gave the money even without me asking or needing it. it wasn't finances, it was your inability to act on common sense and not do something you knew clearly was wrong and didnt care for. And in the end tell the person who tried to warn you that they didnt know any better. And i gave u a lot of chances. So im not total sure but I think he is talking about not listening to his advice all the time, and going with my own judgement and maybe it not going in the right path and cause more harm then good.. but they were my judgements im sure i listen to his advice just may of thought otherwise about the situation at hand whatever it was. And yes it may of gone bad some times and i made a bad choice.. so this is why he left me and is acting so hurt... is it because he wants to be boss or wants to be heard and me listen more... so this goes back to me saying at times hes not my dad and i dont have to listen in those ways that i can also make choices..and he talks about chances but he never went and really fully communicated to me about the issue i may having towards him or this situation he was just throwing out a warning like u better not do that bad choice.. i didnt think much of it but that i still had a right to make a decision based on my own judgements so for 6mths he is acting like he cant get over this..and thats just it.. wow well sure beats me because i do listen to him, just i also listen to my own judgements and make a decision on things and if it fails i mean it does.. at least i did waht i felt was right, I also felt i compromised and talked out decisions with him.. if he felt other wise i feel lack of real communication . Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 Im not sure if he is really this hurt over this 6mths is a long time to figure out if u want this relationship again. He tells me not to bring up the problem anymore becuase it doesnt help the situation, i try to talk positive with him we talk daily but he always acts a bit busy with work, Im not sure what to do.... but i will say that i not only love him hes one of my best friends americanlady, I hate to say this, but the old adage: "With friends like that, who needs enemies?" comes to mind... If I understood what you wrote correctly, you and this guy have been "dating," albeit long-distance, for six years. During that time, you've both pursued your college degrees. Along the way, you ran into some financial difficulties, he stepped in, unasked, and helped you out financially. He had opinions about how you should handle your affairs, you listened and made some compromises, but relied on your own best judgment. He thought your judgment was faulty, lacked common sense and was ill-advised. Now, he's decided "to teach you a lesson" by withholding his affection and distancing himself from you -- all because you didn't do as he said. Say what? Either there's more to this story, or this guy has some serious control issues. My guess is that it's a little of both. I understand a six-year relationship is no flash in the pan, but my question to you is why are you interested in continuing a relationship with someone who treats you like a naughty child, putting you in the corner for "time out" because you disobeyed? Quite frankly, his behavior is disturbing and the fact you're willing to overlook it and continue to pursue a relationship with him "because you love him and he's your best friend" is equally troubling. Friends don't do you a favor, then hold it over your head or make threats or ultimatums. To do so is emotional blackmail -- and any "domestic partner" who pulls this kind of crap ISN'T domestic partner material -- unless you want to live a life of a perpetual doormat -- or worse, in terms of a lifetime of psychological and possibly physical abuse. All that aside, I'm going to tell you to do EXACTLY what your bf has suggested. A lesson needs to be learned here -- BY BOTH OF YOU... He thinks you are incapable of making reasonable and sound judgments. You want to be able to make your own choices without a "father figure" questioning your every decision. So, fine. Make a decision, and stick to it. And, for once, stand up for yourself and quit letting this guy get his kicks out of treating you like an hapless fool. Cut all contact with him, immediately, and forget about trying to talk your way back in a relationship with him. True, he is still taking your calls, but he's distracted, distant and has told you repeatedly over the past six months that he's not interested in rekindling a relationship. READ HIS LIPS... and give him what he wants. And, in the process give yourself a chance to regain your self-respect. If I were you, no matter how difficult, (and unbeknowst to him), I would put aside some money here and there, so that you can repay the debt you owe him in full, even if it takes you years. True, you didn't ask for the money. Perhaps it was never discussed as a loan, but a gift. But, the sense of pride, accomplishment, satisfaction and freedom you'll achieve from getting this monkey off your back (literally and figuratively), is something you'll never regret. Not only will you prove to yourself (and him), you CAN stand on your own two feet, you do have what it takes to stand by the courage of your convictions, BUT you *are* capable and deserving of respect. We all make mistakes, americanlady. Making them is not a sin. Not learning from them, is. Take what you know and have learned and leverage it so that you're in a better position to enjoy happiness and joy with someone who truly loves and respects you as an equal. We all deserve and should settle for nothing less. Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
Author americanlady Posted August 21, 2008 Author Share Posted August 21, 2008 thanks this has helped me. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 thanks this has helped me. You're welcome, americanlady. Take care, and best of luck to you. TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
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