Following up on approaches

[Kamille]

I was totally going off-topic on another thread when I realized "follow ups" is an area where I could use some help.

 

This is what I mean:

 

At an event I worked at last week, I actually had the guts to chat up a really cute guy. I asked him if he was going to the after-party (organized by my friends, general invite sent by the event organizers) to which he replied "yeah I might check it out" I smiled and said "great! hopefully I'll see you there" and left.

 

He showed up with a friend. They were both from out of town (musicians) and they were sitting alone while I was sitting at a table of friends (hard to approach right?). At one point a girl even approached his friend and I still didn't have the guts to walk up to him.

 

My question is: how should I have handled this? Should I have let him approach me (considering it was my hometown and my friend's party?). Should I have walked up to him?

 

 

Example number two: Mango. this was a while ago. At the market a cute guy and I were choosing mangoes and we had an innocent little conversation about how to choose the best ones. (I started it.) I felt like there was a vibe going on, we joked again in the check out line (he initiated) and I left. The week after we were both there again, on the same day, at the same time and I didn't have the courage to approach him again (we both smiled and blushed). Again, should I have done anything? (I opine no in this case, the move should have been up to him right?)

[Kamille]

I should have put this in the dating section... Always so many replies there.

 

So no one has any opinions on how I should have handled those situations?

[lazlow99]

Just go up to them, If they're not a**h***s they'll be happy to start chatting to you again, especially if there was a 'vibe' between you. And the fact that you spoke to them before gives you a reason to go over to them and start chatting. Don't be shy cause you'll only regret it. You got nothing to be afraid of!

[paddington bear]

I think the mango situation is tricky, who knows, the guy might have had a girlfriend and just been happy to have been chatted to by some cute girl and gone off and bragged to his friends that he's 'still got it'.

 

As to what else you are supposed to do...it's hard for you and him in that type of situation to say 'hey, here's my number' or 'I know of a great mango growers conference that's on next week, wanna come?' but also hard for him, he may have wanted to say something more, but was too nervous.

 

Depends on the type of guy you want. Are you happy to be the pursuer, the alpha woman who go gets their man or would you always be thinking 'I wish he'd initiated things'.

 

With the musician guys - why on earth did you not go and talk to them????? You initiated something and didn't follow through.

 

Cute musician guy meets girl. Girl mentions she'll be at an event and suggests he goes. Musician guy not only goes but drafts a friend to come with too and then finds girl ignores both of them all night. How would you feel?

 

Nerve-wracking as it might have seemed you could have walked over to their table and said 'I see you made it, are you enjoying yourselves?' introduced yourself to his friend and then said 'do you guys want to join us?' Two guys with the opportunity to join a table of females...I doubt they would have said no.

 

I have often been out with female friends and seen a lone guy either waiting for someone or whatever and even if I wasn't attracted to him have said 'I see you're sitting there alone, you've more than welcome to join us if you like'. More often than not they do, and you get to meet and talk to a new person for the night, sometimes they don't, waiting for a date (or just think I'm a freak!), either way it doesn't bother me.

 

Next time.....!!!

[Kamille]

Just go up to them, If they're not a**h***s they'll be happy to start chatting to you again, especially if there was a 'vibe' between you. And the fact that you spoke to them before gives you a reason to go over to them and start chatting. Don't be shy cause you'll only regret it. You got nothing to be afraid of!

 

 

I guess sometimes I worry about coming on too strong. Is that possible? I also feel like at one point guys should start pursuing - and if I approach them first, then the next move is up to them. Or am I wrong here?

 

 

With the musician guys - why on earth did you not go and talk to them????? You initiated something and didn't follow through.

 

Cute musician guy meets girl. Girl mentions she'll be at an event and suggests he goes. Musician guy not only goes but drafts a friend to come with too and then finds girl ignores both of them all night. How would you feel?

 

Nerve-wracking as it might have seemed you could have walked over to their table and said 'I see you made it, are you enjoying yourselves?' introduced yourself to his friend and then said 'do you guys want to join us?' Two guys with the opportunity to join a table of females...I doubt they would have said no.

 

I have often been out with female friends and seen a lone guy either waiting for someone or whatever and even if I wasn't attracted to him have said 'I see you're sitting there alone, you've more than welcome to join us if you like'. More often than not they do, and you get to meet and talk to a new person for the night, sometimes they don't, waiting for a date (or just think I'm a freak!), either way it doesn't bother me.

 

Next time.....!!!

 

I know, I know I know. Not going up to the musician was a really lame call on my part. Next time next time. I have to say though that I wasn't into a one night stand and I didn't really see what else could have come out of that. Friendship I guess.

 

Depends on the type of guy you want. Are you happy to be the pursuer, the alpha woman who go gets their man or would you always be thinking 'I wish he'd initiated things'.

 

I have been the alpha woman in the past and those relationship weren't the best - so I like for the man to show some initiative in the beginning. I guess the question is: how much initiative and when. For instance, I could have walked up to the musician and let the next move up to him if he had been interested in more.

[Prodigal Princess]

Mango guy - don't sweat this one crumpet, it was definitely his move to make.

 

Musician guy - in future situations like this (where you are with a bunch of mates), leave your group and make yourself more approachable, such as walking (leisurely) to the bar or to the bathroom. Make eye contact along the way, if you think he needs encouragement. This has always worked for me.

[lazlow99]

I guess sometimes I worry about coming on too strong. Is that possible? I also feel like at one point guys should start pursuing - and if I approach them first, then the next move is up to them. Or am I wrong here?

 

I think it depends on what kind of person they are. Maybe they're just shy and think ''she's just being friendly'' and won't want to say anything unless you make it obvious that you're interested in them. Chances are they're just as nervous as you are about going over and talking to someone new. Some people need a lot of prompting. But yeah, theres a limit to what you can do because they may simply not be interested.

[CommitmentPhobe]

Try to draw the attention to your cleavage while you're chatting to them, problem solved.

 

Erm but seriously, there's no problem here, just keep doing what you're doing and at some point the guy will reciprocate

[The Collector]

Your approaches were great, they wouldn't seem too forward to me. I've had a few relationships(/ONS) start where the woman approached me, because I didn't notice her or was having fun and not looking for it. In some ways it works, because women like men that don't have to try too hard/are a challenge, so what better way to maintain this set-up than the woman doing some chasing? Seems like a lot of the time if the guy does the traditional approaching thing he's already at a disadvantage because he's expressed some interest. Does that make sense?

[Kamille]

Your approaches were great, they wouldn't seem too forward to me. I've had a few relationships(/ONS) start where the woman approached me, because I didn't notice her or was having fun and not looking for it. In some ways it works, because women like men that don't have to try too hard/are a challenge, so what better way to maintain this set-up than the woman doing some chasing? Seems like a lot of the time if the guy does the traditional approaching thing he's already at a disadvantage because he's expressed some interest. Does that make sense?

 

It does make sense. PB's question about being the alpha-woman made me realize that even when my exes did the first move, I still totally "chose" them, if that makes sense. When guys approach me first, I usually eventually bail with the excuse that it's too much pressure or... that they don't really do it for me. It could be because, in the end, everybody likes the thrill of the chase.

 

I do give pursuers a chance though (one or two dates) - but often the pursuers don't seem to quite cut it for whatever reason, and I don't think I'm too picky: one was blatantly a racist, the other called me at 8:30 one morning to find out why I hadn't returned his call the night before... Another lacked spontaneity - I suggested we go throw some hoops and he refused because he didn't want to sweat... So we watched a movie instead. And again, the date after. And when he suggested another movie for the third date I told him I didn't think we were a good match.

 

So it could be the thrill of the chase or it could be that I know what I want in a guy.

 

Musician guy - in future situations like this (where you are with a bunch of mates), leave your group and make yourself more approachable, such as walking (leisurely) to the bar or to the bathroom. Make eye contact along the way, if you think he needs encouragement. This has always worked for me.

 

 

Thanks Prodigal. I'll try it next time - sounds super easy to pull off.

 

Try to draw the attention to your cleavage while you're chatting to them, problem solved.

 

Let's just say my cleavage is not usually what attracts the guys (I'm a B cup - totally like my breasts, exes did too, but they don't, erm, stand out unless I'm naked...).

 

The way I see it, dating is a learning process... and it gets easier with repetition. I've got approaching down, now, thanks to Prodigal Princess, I can hopefully get more returns on investments.

[paddington bear]

I think I know what you mean about being approached by guys - traditionally men make the first move, but if it comes right out of the blue and you haven't had time to have a look or talk to them and work out whether you like them or not, you can sometimes pull back.

 

I read somewhere that women nearly always make the first move, whether it's a smile or a certain look, and that men who get a signal like that from a woman generally think it was their idea to approach her, when in fact she was the one who showed she was receptive to them in the first place, don't know if that's true or not, but it's interesting nonetheless.

[KravJeff]

Just go up to them, If they're not a**h***s they'll be happy to start chatting to you again, especially if there was a 'vibe' between you. And the fact that you spoke to them before gives you a reason to go over to them and start chatting. Don't be shy cause you'll only regret it. You got nothing to be afraid of!

 

I'd go a step further - He may have been there, same time a week later hopping to see you. Maybe he's shy too, and already posted the same thread in the dating section.?.?.?

[Green]

I would have got your number and slept with you that afternoon... but thats just me. Your obviously living in an area with timid men or something. If some one mentions anything to me I'll get their number at a minimum. I don't think being aggressive can hurt... you could always do that thing where you cutely hand them your number and say "call me"