Emotionally unstable relative

[Ersatzteile]

My mother's sister is 60 years old and has always been moody and emotionally unstable. She just can't seem to cope with life and (of course) never wants to seek psychological help or treatment, so it's up to the family members to endure her drama. She's spent most of her life unable to hold jobs, living on people's floors, and living off handouts from her mother... and when her mother died 15 years ago that set the stage for a five year long tailspin where she moved in with my mother and me and occupied two rooms barely coming out. Finally she got on her feet, got a job (realized she had to finally support herself) and got an apartment. Success I suppose. So she can do it when she puts her mind to it. It's not like she's crazy, she's just what you'd call an "emotional drunkard."

 

Over the years everyone else in our small family has pretty much given up on dealing with her. They avoid her, either subtly or overtly, leaving me to deal with her. I am always pleasant to her (even though she tends to ramble) and I go out to lunch and movies with her and stuff. So whenever my aunt is depressed about something, she picks up the phone and dials me at work, where I can't escape or really end the conversation without her going into a deeper tailspin. The conversations usually start with her apologizing to me for the last conversation, then moving on into an emotional outburst over how everyone hates her. I try to say pleasant platitudes or sympathetic noises. Then a few minutes later she will call me back and go, "I didn't like what you said to me. How dare you! Don't you ever tell me to do this or that..." (when in fact I might have just politely suggested a coping strategy for her) and hang up on me. Then a week later she will call me at work and start blubbering, "Oh, I'm sorry! You're so nice to me! Why does everyone hate me? " and keeping me on the phone for a half hour while I have work to do. And she will go on and on until she is interrupted and shut down - she rambles and repeats herself (one of the reasons nobody else wants to engage her in conversation) I don't have caller ID at work so I have to answer all my phone calls.

 

Nobody else in the family is sympathetic to my situation - they've all washed their hands of her and are quite happy to have me be her punching bag. The problem is that she is so erratic, that if I am really afraid she will do something rash if she believes I am cutting her off too. And by "rash" I guess I don't mean suicide. I guess that would be sad, but it would end things. I'm talking about crazy things she has sometimes done, like getting into car accidents or walking down the middle of highways at night, or getting drunk and driving. Stuff that wouldn't necessarily result in her death, but would kill/injure someone else or cause her to have medical or legal bills that someone else would have to pay.

 

I know this sounds awful... but she is just a burdensome human being. I try to remember she is a human being, but she really is a distinctly unhelpful person who is very hard to love. It seems horrible to say so, but I know my family will be much more at peace when she is no longer in the picture. I just don't know what to do about her going on these emotional benders and phoning me at work... I hesitate to say "Please don't phone me at work when you are emotional" because everyone else in her life has avoided contact with her, and she knows it. What can I do?

[vintagecat]

Work should be a sacrosanct and inviolable part of your life and your family should respect that, no ifs, ands, or buts, no matter how emotionally needy a person may be. No one should visit or call except very briefly, very rarely and only to convey important information. I've seen employees fail to be promoted, get written up or disciplined and once it was part of the firing "package" that the employee took too much work time dealing with home matters on the phone on a habitual basis.

 

You need at an off work time to convey to your aunt in the strongest terms that unless someone dies or some other such similar emergency, she should not call you at your work number. If you have a cell, put into automatic voicemail pick-up and check your messages on break. She should call that number to leave routine messages. Whether you return the call will be up to you but there should be no expectation on her part of anything but the briefest acknowledgement of her call even on break time which is normally limited. Set limits and set them in stone regarding her intrusions on your work.

 

And frankly I'd examine some of the assumptions about what you need to do (and endure) to help your aunt out. It's a fine line between being kind and just and flat out enabling her behaviors and it seems that you might be really close to being on the wrong side of that line. It seems you have a kind heart, but honey, you need to set some limits before she sucks you dry. How she responds to reasonable limits you set for her is really not your issue but you've chosen to take them on for some reason. Good luck to you.